Category Archives: Parodies

These are parodies that I wrote

Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce Pregnant– Fans React (Funny Spoof)

Boardlane TV: Hello viewers! This is Boardlane TV at Longville Plaza in Clarendon getting fan reactions to the recent announcement of Jamaican sprinter Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce’s pregnancy. The young sprinter expressed how excited she was about embarking on this new chapter in her life. Let’s see just how excited track fans are about this. Come over here young lady and speak to our viewers on this matter. What do you have to say?

Rachel: (Smiling) Shelly mi noh wrong yuh, my girl! Noh do like Merlene Ottey an buss 50 an noh have wan pickney fi tek care a har inna har ole age. Di medal can tan fi anedda time. God neva gi yuh womb fi tun souvenir! Yuh is a woman an yuh mek fi breed an multiply …soh breed up mi sistren. BREED UP!! Mi dis glad fi know seh yuh husband tool a fix yuh right!

Boardlane TV: Very candid and interesting remarks. Young man you are nodding your head in disagreement. Do you have a problem with her pregnancy announcement?

Peter: (face wrenched): EEDIAT BIZNESS DAT! Mi lose affa Shelly! Bad decision dat star! Shi ago tek belly mash up har career! Shi fi concentrate pan defending di tikle an puddung baby bizness til gold a drip fram all bout har. Di only weight shi fi put aan a di weight a gold roun har neck. Some a dem athletes need dem head check to blurtneet!

The nearby folks in earshot of this comment, responded with vitriol …

Jenine: Yuh fava fawt! Bout bad decision! Di woman beg yuh anyting? Shi did beg yuh mi buy har baby nappy an provide har wid baby formula? Likkle bway, goh chuck off a flat bridge! Dyam mout set like when gas tek up maaga daag!

Lilian (Chimes in): Fi real, my girl. Im a gallang like di girl barrow im hood fi wan night. Di ooman mek har own money an shi deserve a life outside a di whole heapa running. Weh yuh want har fi do?… Wait til har Bio clock run outta battery fi start have pickney? It look like yuh lick yuh head pan concrete noh bway. Coo yuh to! Fayva dem blastid retail fowl.

Boardlane TV (Trying to gain control):  Ok, Ok! It is getting a bit heated here. I think he has heard enough. Let me get another viewpoint for our viewers. What do you have to say, miss?

Blossom (Vexed): Lady, before mi seh anyting mek a dun dah bway yah. (Pointing)  Hey dutty, stinking bway, yuh  mumma shoulda get fi har head check before shi breed an bring a monkey like yuh inna di world! Leave the lady alone and go find wok fi do. An noh Shelly mek yuh hungry!

Boardlane TV: Alright, Alright! Let him be. Go ahead and tell us what you think.

Blossom: Ok mam. All I have to say to Shelly Ann is to memba wi waan di baby fi have a royalty name like dem people ova Henglan’. If is a girl call har, ‘Grace Hie Pryce’ If a wan bway pickney im can name, ‘Guinness Hover Pryce’. An memba fi invite mi to di baby shower since a mi name di pickney! Love yuh shugga!

Boardlane TV: I am sure Shelly will appreciate your clever input. Well done. Sir, what can you add to this discussion?

Jeffery: Congratulations Shelly, baby! Mek a seh someting to di man of di hour. Respect due Mista Pryce! Di whole worl know seh yuh a good bowler cause yuh finally hit di middle stump. Shelly baby! Enjoy motherhood baby doll. An mek sure yuh siddung an mek dat buck toe heal in peace. Nobadda mek it swell up pan yuh. Only ting fi swell up a yuh belly.

Deloris (Adds): Yes! Congratulations Shelly. Madda Hood is a blessing, mi dear. Yuh fi do like Beyoncé an knock out two wan time soh – BRAPS! When dem si two pocket rocket weh look like dem wan anneda a come fuss an second, it ago mad dem pan di track!  Dem head ago spin like gig! Memba mi tell yuh! Two a dem wi waan!

Boardlane TV: Indeed! Indeed! I am going to take one more comment. Go ahead.

Lanette: THANKS BE TO GOD! Shelly mi know dat deh pickney ago grow good cause yuh madda grow yuh good! Jamaica well happy fi get wan Shelly Waterhouse grand baby. All wi a wait pan now a fi VCB husband fi leggo im soljah pan har. Wi need whole heapa grand babies dat can run faas! VCB! A weh yuh a wait pan?! A Breed up time now! Raaeee!!

Boardlane TV: With that said, Boardlane TV is proud to have brought you remarks from the streets her in Clarendon. We certainly had a mix bag but overall, the fans are just as excited as the Pryce family. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 10th, 2017

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Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

 

Hurricane Matthew – Jamaicans react the Day After (Funny Spoof)

Hurricane Matthew was a category 4 threat to the Island of Jamaica causing widespread worry in the nation and those in the diaspora. However, by the time Matthew made landfall in the island, it was downgraded to a Tropical Storm, dropping heavy rains and causing major flooding in some areas. Jamaicans feeling relief that the dodged the worst, took to the streets to make their feelings known about the Hurricane. Boardlane TV was there to capture the comments.

Boardlane TV: Hello viewers! After much talk of a devastating storm to hit Jamaica since Gilbert, Jamaicans on the streets of Kingston had a lot to say about Matthew. First we have a young lady here ready to speak to us. Are you  relieved that the storm did not make the impact it did?

Polly: (Eye brows raised) As if Macchew was any portion a storm. (Kiss teet) From mi hear di weada man a chat bout im a stall a sea mi did know seh im did out deh a cansida if im really waan come tess Jamdung. Bugga ketch im fraid an decide seh im ago galang bout im bizness an lowe wi. Im noh waan none a dis! Jamaica noh back down to no lickle bway!

Boardlane TV: So you were never once afraid that it could have hit the island as predicted?

Polly:  No sah! Mi can spot a fraud a mile away… all when a storm mi know fakers. From mi seet a dilly dally mi know a smaddy Macchew a look fi ramp wid. Im nave a ting a badda im.

Boardlane TV: Ok Miss… thanks to speaking with us. How about you…what is your take on the hurricane not living up to predictions?

Audrey:  Well as a Christian woman I have to give tanks to di Lawd Gad Almighty fi spare wi wance again. An as a God fearing woman who know my Bible, mi was very bex dat dis storm wid a holy name of wan of Jesas disciples decide seh im was gwine bi a masta of destructian. But di Bible did tell wi seh Matthew betray Jesas soh mi noh surprise im did a try come yah wid im ignorance.

Boardlane TV: Not sure I understand you. Matthew betrayed Jesus? It was Judas who did that Ma’am.

Audrey : (Frowns) Well, Judas – Matthew- dem a di same wikid serpent to mi! Storm weh have Bible name mussen behave dem kina way unless dem a traitor to Jehovah! But Maasa Gad show im who more powaful an run im backside fram yah! I SEH GLORY!! GLORY!! GLORY!

Boardlane TV: Ok Madam. It was a pleasure speaking to you. Sir, same question to you.

Jeff: (Angry) Jah know mi fi give tanks seh it neva soh bad but Jesas Gad man, yuh know how much wok mi put in fi tie dung di house pan di foundation? Mi nail up zinc soh til a weak. Mi board up window, door an di outside tielet an nutten but hard rain come yah! Blastid waste a time dis enoh dawta! Mek dem eva tell wi bout noh more starm. I gwine tear out mi b@tty gi dem an tell dem fi suck pan a straw!

Lloydie: (Chiming in) Well mi a give tanks to di Moas High cause Monday mi did fi deh a court fi possession of tings weh noh belang to mi an mi escape judgement.

Boardlane TV: Things like what sir? Elaborate.

Franky: Nutten too tough. Dem hold mi fi wan Suzuki van weh mi have park up a yaad deh. Mi fine it pan Hope Road laas mont. Sayka Matthew dem call aff di court case an mi have anneda mont fi run robot wi ie soh til di lawya dem tell mi come a court. Selassie know mi noh mine how Matthew come stir up tings. (Grinning) A mi bredrin dat. Fi real.

Delcy: (Snaps ) But si yah Gad. Lissen to dis blastid goat mout teef! A same soh if Macchew did come yah an blow dung wi house, yuh woulda teef every blastid ting unda people nose-ole. Macchew shoulda really huff an puff an blow weh di parasite dem like unu outta di country. Blow unu straight a Cuba mek jancrow nyam unu dung deh! Nutten mi hate dan a bare face teef!

Boardlane TV: Wow! That’s harsh! Moving on to another person here who wants to get in on the conversation. Go ahead Miss.

Petra: All mi know is Hurricane Matthew galang same way like mi baby faada. Im always a tell mi im a come fi look bout im pickney dem an when mi get di pickney dem bade up an ready fi dem puppa come fi dem, all now im noh reach. Look fram when disyah hurricane fi come an when yuh tek a stock… im zoops paas wi an gaan a smaddy else yaad. Same way di pickney dem wuklis puppa behave. Dem yah liyad man!! Mi noh inna nutten wid neida Matthew, Mark, John nor Luke!

Boardlane TV: That is an interesting twist on this matter. I don’t think I expected that. Anyway, this lady seems to be upset. What is on your mind, Miss?

Suzette: (Vexed) Mi feel di govament an business people dem scam wi. Goh look dung a MegaMart an si how di whole a di shelve dem wipe clean! Gas station have line long like  Jesas did out deh a serve fish an bread. Di mount a wata weh mi ketch mi nat even waan dem send mi noh wata bill next mont or else an gwine cuss bare klaat! Dem did well an know seh Matthew a saps an neva did a goh  gwaan wid a ting!

Boardlane TV: But you still can use those essentials – can’t you. They should not go to waste.

Suzette: Lady doan mek mi rude to yuh. Mi tek every shilling mi have fi buy soap powda, shuga, milk, hegg, bread, butta an action DVD caah mi tink mi did ago have movie night. Di govament fi tap scam people fi spen money weh dem noh have! Mi noh have a blinking dime to mi name now an nat a breeze blow fi show feet. If di hurricane did come an jus bore wan hole inna mi house tap, at least mi coulda get lickle insurance money fi dat. But nat a blastid ting mi get outta all mi preparation. Mi not too please wid dis a tall. Dem fi tap ramp wid big people. Oh!

Boardlane TV: Well, you heard it heard first on Boardlane TV folk. Certainly some mixed reviews on  Hurricane Matthew’s journey to the island but the country is blessed to be spared the wrath of another hurricane. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 4th , 2016

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Election 2016 – Interview with Jamaicans & Portia Simpson (Funny Spoof

The Jamaica Labour Party was declared the winner of the 2016 general election, after claiming 33 of the 63 constituency seats. With the JLP handing the PNP a stunning defeat, the green party supporters took to the streets to celebrate its massive victory. Boardlane TV was there to capture some candid movements

Boardlane TV: Hello viewers! I am here in the midst of a jubilant crowd of JLP supporters who took to the streets in a sea of green to celebrate their party’s victory. Let me get some reactions from some of the folks here. Miss, please tell our viewers how you feel about the election outcome.

Tracy: (grinning ear to ear) I feel euphoratic today. VERY, VERY EUPHORATIC! I cyaan tell yuh how it feel fi know seh wi get rid a di bad weed dem inna di country and mi naah chat bout Cali-weed eida. It is going to be a very PRESPEROUS road wid Andrew at di control. I am so very, very EUPHORATIC and EXTASTIC!

Boardlane TV: My, my such big words. Thank you so much for your comment. Young man tell us how you are feeling right about now.

Fabian : (Cheering) Up up up SHOWAAAAA to di worl!!! Yes iyah! Di dinosaur era ova yah now. A fi wi time now. Bare young people a tek ova fram di old cruff dem! A prosperity time now and di labourite team tun up LOUD LOUD!! Mi soon can buy oxtail an cow foot again! Di national dish ago mek a come back like di “Badda Badda” Riddim! No more bread an butta! Brap Brap!

Julia: (Cheering along ) Raaaaaay Andrew Holness  gaan clear! Wi sink PNP ship an run Poorsha outta Gordon House to rahtid! It sweet mi!! Wah day mi si how much tousands a people inna orange outta half way tree square dat mi tink PNP did ago run weh wid di election. Weh dem deh now? Matta fact di only orange mi si tideh a wan man a sell some sour orange inna wan wheel barrow. Nat a nedda orange mi si whole day. Weh dem gaan hide?

Delroy: (Chiming in) Mi know a few a dem weh did dress up inna orange ganzi an orange boot goh polling station. Mi waan wan a dem come beg mi money when JLP start mek money run like riva wata!

Boardlane TV: So it sounds like you believe in the promises of the JLP to get rid of personal income tax for everyone who earns $1.5 million or less?

Delroy: How yuh mean? Yah man! I believe dem! Di man pramise wi seh minimum wage fi move from $6000 to $8000 come April 1st. And so help GAD ALMIGHTY – if mi noh get dat deh money weh him promise wi, mi mek sure call a next election an vote out im Blurtnaught! Mi dead serious!

Boardlane TV: I hear you sir. Although you don’t have the power to call an election but I get your point. (Smiles) Moving along…young man, what do you attribute this win by the JLP to most?

Gregory: Simple put- Portia arrogance and haggish behavior like shi market ooman. Imagine Andrew waan debate an shi come a chat bout shi naah debate nohbaddy! Mi haffi seh to miself, what a lickle renkas bright and outta orda. Portia did a gwaan like shi Jesus Christ but shi naah feed di poor people like weh Him woulda do. Shi noh fit fi bi noh PM caah shi mek wan bag a foo-fool decisions an mek poor people pay feet! An di only new industry weh develop unda fi har government was scamming. Scamma mek more money dan business man to brown daag!

Boardlane TV: With that said, what are you looking forward to from your new government?

Gregory: Good question caah I have a list of demands. (Looking into the camera)) Andrew, mek sure yuh buy back Air Jamaica. Wi lang fi di si wi own iron bird a fly inna di sky. If dem waan hole wi airline hostage, sen fi some man fram dung a Garrison Lane. Mek wi deal wid di case fi yuh. Straight! Nex orda fi yuh bredren… mi waan all a di school pickney dem school fee fi FREE soh dat mi baby modda can hop affa mi fenda bout money a mont time. Every blastid minute book an fee fi pay an mi noh have it a r@@s! Blastid ooman soh flipping igging. Deal wid dat fi mi boss.

Roach: (Adds) Mi have a few demands fi mek to lady.

Boardlane TV: Go ahead. What are your demands?

Roach: Pan day wan mi waan Andrew fi investigate Poorsha an fine out how shi value US$20 million an Obama only value 11 million. A wah goh soh? A mussi Peter Phillips maths shi a use fi count up har money! An mi waan Andrew fi deal wid weh a gwaan ova Goat Island. Wi still noh sure if “Lizzard” dead or alive. Investigate dat to. Free up Buju and Kartel! Run weh di Chinese dem an gi wi back wi land! An mek sure di dollar noh slide wan more penny or else a war!

Boardlane TV: On that note, we would like to let our viewers know that we had an opportunity to speak briefly with the ousted Prime Minister just after her concession speech. Here is the footage:

*******************************************************************

Boardlane TV: Prime Minister Simpson, what do you have to say about the resounding defeat your party took in the elections? What went wrong in your opinion?

Portia Simpson: Well, hall I hoff to say that the people hoff Jamaica hoff spoken. I just hope and pray dott the JLP does not wreck the economy I work so hord to build up.

Boardlane TV: But Mrs. Simpson, the people of Jamaica would not agree with you that the economy was on good footing given the every day struggles they faced.

Portia Simpson: Look hear noh Miss, doan draw mi tongue! We have done our best. The foct is, we are not quarrelling with anyone. The people voted for a party that promise them all sorts of things that the JLP cannot deliver and I will be watching to see whot hoppens in a few years because the people will be begging bock for me.

Boardlane TV: So you will be monitoring Andrew Holness carefully? Is that what you are saying?

Portia Simpson: I am not watching any of them over that party. As a woman, I doan watch man. What I am saying is that I am going to see if Andrew can find where money hiding to talk bout him going to reduce taxes and increase wages. I am also going to see if him build a bigger mansion than mines. Yes, I will be watching.

Boardlane TV: Would you like to offer any words of advise to the new PM, Mrs. Simpson?

Portia Simpson: No, not really. It is fi dem cross to bear now. Not mine. But I will reach out to Andrew to borrow back the plane because I still plan to go to Rio for the Olympics. I not paying big plane fare to reach dere. That is all. Have a good day.

Boardlane TV: That is all we have for you today folks. The people have spoken. As Jamaica looks towards a new future, let’s hope the country gets stronger than yesterday. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Feb 25th , 2016

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

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Portia Calls for an Election – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

In front of thousands of a jubilant crowd of supporters, Prime Minister Portia Simpson announced that Thursday, February 25 is to be the next Election Day. As Jamaicans prepare to head to the polls, passions are rising on both sides of the political spectrum and Boardlane TV is on the streets of Kingston to get reactions from the people.

Boardlane TV: Hello out there! Jamaicans now know when they will go to the polls and I am here in the Half Way Tree Mall getting reactions from a group of people who are already chattering about the election. Let me start with you sir. What are your views of Portia’s chances to be re-elected?

Robert: To tell yuh di troot mi pray seh shi neva return. Is time now wi get a party in powa dat care about Jamaicans. If yuh eva get sick and goh a hospital yuh si weh mi a talk bout. It get soh bad dat nat even fly waan pitch pan dee-dee caah dem noh waan get sick inna dis country. I-man not even sure if di JLP can do any betta. All a dem jus dunce an love dem party ova di people. Mi dun talk!

Melanie: (Rebuts in anger) Maasa tap chat rubbish!!  Look pan all di tings dem weh happen unda PNP watch! Wi have boasy Highways.. everybady own a cyar soh til yuh cyaan fine place fi walk.. Nuff people own mansions pan tap a di hill. Technology a blow up all ova di place! Dung to di lickle baby dem a walk wid cell phone! And look how much gold medal wi win inna Olympics unda Portia watch?  Yuh tink dat jus come soh widout a strong leada?

Robert: (Brushes her off) As mi hear people like yuh open up unu ignorant mout mi dead sure dis a roll call fi di  retarded. Yes ..unu goh ansa to unu masta Mama P  caah unu a fret seh unu naah goh get noh  more oxtail and goat fi unu  blastid  bang gut! Ooman walk off yaah!

Boardlane TV: Ok , Ok! No need for the back and forth arguing. Let me move on. How do you see this election shaping up Miss in the purple blouse?

Dalia: (Looking in the camera) Sit comfortable Portia! Siddung steady gyal because you are going nowhere!

Miriam: (Butts in) But coo yah! Yuh did si how Portia did look tiyad an pap dung laast night? Fi har time EXPIRE! Pooorrsha is time fi step down and goh get a facial scrub. Yuh tiyad!

Boardlane TV: So Miss, are you predicting that the JLP will take over the reign of the government?

Miriam: (Nodding) Yes! I am VERY confident of a victory for the JLP. Mi all hear seh people a farrin a book flight fi come dung fi cast dem vote.  Dem want to mek sure Poorsha an har government get di stepping! The change is coming Jamaica. Unu watch an si!

Boardlane TV: I guess in a few weeks the airports won’t be able to keep up with those flights coming in. Oh dear. Sir, do you agree with her prediction sir? Who will win this election in your opinion?

Collin: (Kiss teet) Lady, a promise is nutten but a comfat to a blastid fool!  Only when election time yuh hear dem a mek all kina pramise weh dem neva gi wi yet. Dis yah govament noh care bout poor people. People muss vote pan di issues an puddung party loyalty. Some a dem PNP  people a sufffa soh til dem noh have strent fi git up outta dem bed. Some a dem maaga dung to nutten ova starvation and yet still dem waan believe dis garbage mi hear Portia a chat pan TV. Right now mi cyaan even kip mi yam an cocoa pan mi farm sayka di dyam teef dem.  When mi a vote mi a vote pan prosperity. Mi naah lissen to noh pramise.  Action speak louder dan words.

Nova: (Agrees) Talk di tings Bredda D! All a dem a tek wi fi puppet. Dem a tell yuh fi vote but yet still yuh noh have noh road.  Mi tiyad fi a buy new slippas caah di bad road dem a tear dem up! Imagine if mi did have a cyar!  Wi noh have noh prapa drainage system. Look how much dutty black wata dout di place. Jamaica tun di land of wood and dutty black wata.  Slackniss dis man! Wi need new leadaship!

Dalia: (Rebuts) Den if yuh a buy hundred dalla slippas weh yuh expect?! Di way how some a unu a talk is like a Portia mek Jamaica poor! Unu neva did poor before shi come inna powa? Well, di JLP did a bawl fi election call soh now di date set. Hope unu ready fi di landslide buss assin dat unu ago get.

Dean: (Laughing jubilantly)  Mek dem tan deh chat bout Portia ago lose sistren! Shi mek a good move caah dem cyaan prepare fi wi inna tree weeks! Nat even T-shut dem can get print inna tree weeks.  Daag ago nyam daag ova Belmont road di mawning  of Feb 26th. Stay tuned!

Boardlane TV: So am I hearing that most people believe Andrew Hollness will have a difficult haul in this election?

Marie: I want to know if Portia can stay in powa fi soh long an shi nuh have noh brains, why Andrew who is a “ROADS” scholar  cyaan run di country?

Dean: (Mocks) Andrew a really “road” scholar fi troot.” Fi im road  slippery an im party  dry up like grass inna hot sun. Wooiii mi belly! Yuh deh yah a try diss di prime minister an a show up how yuh daff an illiterate!

Marie: (Angrily responds) STINK AFF MONGREL! Unu a jump pan di man back like unu know anyting bout im. Di whole a unu friten ova big speech pan podium. Gi di man a chance!

Melanie: (Disagrees) Nat even di Labourites ago gi Andrew noh  chance. Mark mi word.. if im win by di 26th dem kick im out an put in Audley. Andrew a star inna im own duppy show!

Boardlane TV: This is getting really heated on both sides. It seems there is no trust in either party. How do you as voters decide on who is best to lead?

Rohan: Lady, wi coulda complain til wi black and blue nutten naah change. Wi jus haffi tek di lesser of two evils. Trust me it betta wi tap waste time wid dem yah politician an goh vote fi God caah  a only im wan can help wi.  Whole a dem a some parasite! All di teefing Peter Philips behine Portia look like im blastid raw mout a drip sewage wata. Look like im want a blurtnaught bib round him powk neck! A cyaan tek di whole a dem!

Boardlane TV: Oh Dear. Well, we are going to wrap this up now and get a final word in. Anyone wants to close out on this topic?

Princess: (Steps up to the Mike) Unno look here noh! It is in di best interest of the PNP party to win because foreigners are waiting patiently to come here an buy up di land weh poorsha pramise dem. Jamaica a noh fi wi again.  Dem a sell wi out to di highest bidda. Soh all di warring dem people a gwaan wid noh matta. Portia ago win sed way.

Boardlane TV: So there you have it folks. The last word has been spoken. Portia has stated in her speech: “If you want to keep Jamaica moving up, stay with the People’s National Party.” Only time will tell how this will turn out for either party and for Jamaica. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Feb 2 , 2016

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

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United Kingdom David Cameron offers a Prison to Jamaica – Jamaicans React (Hilarious Spoof)

Prime Minister of United Kingdom (UK) David Cameron official visit to Jamaica has yielded promises of a £25million fund aimed at building a new prison for the island. The news struck a nerve in Jamaicans all across the globe. Boardlane TV is on site at King’s Plaza in Constant Spring to obtain reactions from every day Jamaicans.

Boardlane TV: Sir, please come over here and tell our viewers how you feel about Prime Minister Cameron’s proposition for Jamaica.

Sophia: (Vexed face) Cameron waan smaddy slap im wid a big stone! I swear to Almighty Gad seh Manley, Bustamante, Marcus Garvey, Sam Sharpe a tun inna dem grave yah now and bawl bloody murda! Dung to Nanny mussi a seh shi ketch bullet inna har b@tty fi nutten if a dis wi come aff to. Portia Simpson naah do nutten but sell out Jamaica to di highest bidda!

Rufus: (Interrupts and chimes in) Talk di tings dawta! Mi waan fi know if di Governa General or smaddy cyaan lick some sense inna Portia lagga head?! Betta yet, why dem noh fling har r@ss inna di prison when it dun buil? Shi an di ress a sell out dem a blastid TEEF an criminal! I neva si siting hat mi soh since mi baby madda lef mi an goh deh wid mi uncle. Trus mi.

Boardlane TV: I appreciate your candid comment young man. Ok, I see someone dying to get on camera. What do you have to say to our viewers?

Cockpipe: All Rasta waan fi seh is …Cameron a di real Wasteman! God si an know! Weh Chronixx deh fi talk pan dis? Weh yuh haffi seh now Chronixx or yuh naah goh seh nuuten caah yuh fraid dem tek weh yuh Visa? All di wan Sista P always a chat bout shi noh fraida noh bwoy an noh gyal but when whi fi stan up firm an talk up fi wi, shi lose har big chat an tek dis loada hog sh!t dis man come gi wi. Shi noh have noh bloody use fi di big mout shi have. Cockpipe dun talk!

Boardlane TV: OK sir… I hear you and God knows we don’t want any more Twitter controversy over this visit. Moving right along. Let me your view on the matter. What do you have to say about this, young man?

Jeff: (Shaking head) Afta how much years a slavery – a ongle prison wi get?? Kiss mi neck Jah! Di man cudden come build some museum fi store Portia old-bruck frack and wig dem? Im cudden build more stadiums? Fix up wi bridge, road, school, police station an park?? Im cudden gi wid some fighter plane, marine tank, submarine, night goggles an dem tings deh?

Boardlane TV🙁Confused) Sir, are you expecting Jamaica to get into a war?

Jeff: (Shaking head) Lady, at di rate at which wi a go wi already inna war. When dem sen dem bad man deh dung yah fi put pan tap a di set weh dung yah …wi ago waan all scud missile to blurtneet! A more serious times wi get ready fi goh inna. Memba mi tell yuh!

Gloria: (Chimes in) TV lady, all I want to ask is …what is di education requirements to run for Prime Minister? Becausen seh as a Christian woman, dem someting here ago mek two dutty badwud come out a mi mout and Maasa Gad not going to be please wid mi. Di pickney dem nat even have prapa working teilet inna di school dem and dis stinking government a tek money fi build prison! An who di backside ago feed dem when dem come yah? Mi only hope di govament mek sure Cameron feed dem to caah enough food noh dung here fi share fi soh much people. Portia, yuh si all yuh… as election come a hope opposition light up yuh blood fire!!!

Celia: (Sigh) How soh much a unu unintelligent and dumb people love push up unu self pan TV soh? Unu soun downright trupid , rude and foolish. Why di whole a unu soh nasty gainst Portha Shrimson….a woman dat give soh much service to di country. Di whole a unu a some dutty crow an unu attitude come een like a flat tire going nowhere until unu change it! Unu gwey an hop offa mi PM back and fix unu self!

Devon: (Starts arguing) Dat is why wi country cyaan betta. Yuh cyaan even pronounce di PM name good an deh yah a chat bout people noh intelligent. MOVE and GWEY an goh tell yuh “crime minister” seh Jamaica don’t need noh more prison. What wi need a more mad house fi fling har and di ressa restarded jancrow dem r@ss in deh!

Boardlane TV: (Alarmed) Woaa! Woaa!!Ok, Ok. Calm down folks before things get out of hand here. Take a deep breath. You Miss, what’s your side on this heated discussion going on here?

Debby: Look Miss, some people missing the point. Mista Cameron have the right to deport criminals. A dem wrang fi goh a UK an goh tun criminal. Look how long mi deh yah a try get a Visa fi goh Miami an cyaan get troo and dem goh quite a England gaan en up a prison. Portia fi tap gi criminal VISA an gi dem to people like mi who waan goh farrin goh live betta life. Mi noh wrang Cameron fi tell dem seh dem cyaan stay dere an at least im want to build somewhere fi put dem soh dem noh run wild inna di streets.

Devon: (Starts arguing again) Here dis almshouse argument fram dah big foot gyal yah! Mr Cameron is a slimy goat wid evil intentions! When dem tek up residence a people country, dem need to serve di time weh dem do di crime and tan deh afta dem serve dem time!!…Cameron fi wheel an come again or goh di hell back to Britain …Like dem seh: “Red eye and Lickie Lickie dog all the same. ” Portia too blasted Lickie Lickie an shi need fi goh buy two pound a DIGNITY an one pound a CLASS!

Rose: (Adds) Portia don’t have no vision and shi need Jesas. Shi neven demands dat Cameron pay wi back reparations fi slavery soh mi can get a check fi set up mi house good wid bran new furniture an wan flat screen TV.

Boardlane TV: Madam, reparations are not about people getting a check. Instead reparations could be in the form of debt forgiveness to reduce our debt load and requesting the building of schools, hospitals, and the improvement of existing infrastructure such as roads etc. It’s not about giving individuals payments by check.

Rose: (Disappointed) A true fi real? Den a mek people did a galang soh ova reparations like a sinting good fi poor people. (KMT) Well if a noh money wi a get dem can stuff dat where di sun don’t shine!

Boardlane TV: All right then and on that note we have now concluded our live reactions from very opinionated Jamaicans on the streets of Constant Springs. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 1, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

Reggae Boyz beats TeamUSA in CONCACAF Gold Cup semifinal – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

USA took on Jamaica’s Reggae Boyz in the CONCACAF Gold Cup semifinal game on July 22nd where Jamaica came out on top with a 2-1 upset over Team USA. The streets have quieted down from the jubilation but the Jamaicans are still basking in the after math of the victory. Boardlane TV is live in Portmore, Jamaica to get reactions.

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from Portmore and I am standing next a jubilant supporter of the victorious Jamaican football team. Why don’t you tell our viewers how you are feeling this morning about Wendsday’s game.

Sheldon: (Pumping fist) Watch mi now peeple.. a we seh REGGAE BOYZ goh a farrin an drive di blurtneet GREEN bus inna di fuss half and den park wan big duty YELLOW truck inna di second half and den BLACK out di US team to bombawt! (Yells) GREEN, YELLOW AN BLACK TO DI FLIPPING WOLRD WI SEH!!

Boardlane TV: Wow! What a way to put it. So who impressed you the most in the game?

Sheldon: All a dem perform pan tap shelf level, sistren. Truss mi… if dem neva preform dem way deh.. wi bruck dem foot as dem step pan Jamdung soil. Wi noh tek buss assin fram USA lightly soh caah a wi fi run football pan dem yute deh. Weh dem know bout football like wi? Big up to di man Mr. Schafer. Nuff respect! Di old white head man slew dem to bombeet!

Boardlane TV: I thank you for your comments. Nicely done. Miss, come here and give our viewers your take on team Jamaica’s victory.

Merna: (Yawns) Excuse mi fi yawn lady but mi neva sleep too good laas night. A roun 9 aclack inna di night mi get call fram mi bredda fram quite a Hinglan a hosk if mi if mi si how Jamaica beat up USA inna football match. Troo mi use to di blastid, wuklis bway dem always a fling weh di game dem mi neva set up fi watch it. Soh mi jump outta mi bed sed time an ask him: “A serious medz or a joke binzness dis??” Lowe an behold a true sinting to kackafawt!

Boardlane TV: Yes, it is indeed true. So have you celebrated with friends since you got the news?

Merna: Well, mi neva do nutten much fi celebrate odda dan as mawning light mi git up outta mi bed and start mek some “Reggae Boyz” grater cake fi sell. Yuh know how dem Jamaicans yah wi buy anyting now weh seh “Reggae Boyz.” Any adda day dem bruck an pauperish but mi know tideh dem a fine money fi buy any old fawt caah dem inna good mood. Money haffi mek tideh.

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Moving right along. Young man you are true patriot decked out in your Reggae Boyz jersey with the number 11. Tell us the significance of your support for number 11.

Bruce: Well lady I am a big supporta of numba 11, Darren Mattocks. Wi use to call im “Natty Matty”. Mi a falla im fram di time im deh pan di Portmore United football squad an mi glad seh a im put wi up one love inna di game. When mi si “Natty Matty” goh soh an flick in a heada inna di goal mi head start raise like duppy tek set in deh to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Explain that. Head raised?

Bruce: Yah man! When people seh dem head raise dat mean dem feel proud. (Puzzled) A weh yuh come fram? A farrin TV station dis mek yuh know dat?

Boardlane TV: (Smiles) Just wanted you to clarify for the viewers so they don’t think you became daemon possessed. Let me hear from this other gentleman. How do you feel about how team Jamaica represented?

Dillon: (Excited) Wiked match!!Match noiceee!!! A maddd ting!! Up up up way up!!!!!! Straight up like 7up! A wi seh wi team swaggerific and terrific! Wi shell dung an tun up til wi buck!! Wi goh deh fi drink milk wi noh goh deh fi count cow! A werk wi werk…wi noh come fi jerk!

Rohan: (Laughing) But a bare slang disyah bway deh pan like im an Elephant man a fuss cousin. Mek I ansa di question yaah lady.

Boardlane TV: Go right ahead.

Rohan: A soh dem shoulda a gwaan long time. Last year di Jamaica team neva did a gwaan wid nutten! Dem did look soh blastid bad dat mi a wanda why dem neva recruit some ooman fi play fi di team. But fram mi si di performance wid dem an Argentina coming down, mi know di man dem annoh buck up dis time. After all dese years wi finally bus USA ass! Tank yuh Faada!

Boardlane TV: Good stuff. Come here young lady, you are just dying to say something. Speak to me. What’s on your mind?

Juliet: (twirling her long weave) Would you marry me number 17, Rodolph Austin? Would you be my one and only baby daddy? And if yuh seh no .. can yuh get di goalie numba fi mi? Im body tun up an look trang deh dowe!

Otis: (Steps in annoyed) Sweetheart, do you even watch football? Goh wan side an tek weh yuh blastid cunnu-munu self affa di people dem TV statian! Blinking nuff like powda puff!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir why dot you close out the interview for us.

Otis: (Grabs the mike) All mi haffi seh dis mawning is dem did seh wi was di under dog. Under dog like unu PUPPA! Mi si all a man a di game a wear Barcelona shut like im did deh a look fi Messi. KMT. Unu noh a gwaan like unu noh rate wi but Reggae Boyz buss up head and buss up net! Who did doubt wi an jump ship .. unu si seh di ship still a sail. Goh tell every man an woman, young an old seh di Red White an Blue juss get dem ass whoop by di Black Green an Gold! Mi dun talk! (Drops Mike)

Boardlane TV: Oh Jesus, did you just drop the expensive mike on the ground sir?

Otis: (Picks up the mike fast) Sarry! Hush! Mi did get too excited. If it expensive it noh suppose to mash up. Seet deh it still a carry sound.

Boardlane TV: Anyway folks! It was a pleasure bring ng you live reactions from proud Jamaicans on the streets of Portmore. Until next time this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright July23rd, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

 

Ms JA, Kaci Fennell Places 5th: Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

In a stunner on January 25, Miss Jamaica, Kaci Fennell was shut out of the top three despite being one of the competition’s front-runner. Supporters gathered in Half-way-Tree square were “jaw-dropped” when they saw their beloved Kaci drop to fifth place. Boardlane TV was on location to get a few reactions.

Boardlane TV: Hello to our viewers. I am here with a visible upset fan of Kaci Fennel. She doesn’t look happy…Miss, can you tell us what you are feeling now?

Suzy: (Shaking her head) Anybady si dis blasted foolishness a gwaan uppa farrin?! How dem fi mek di lilly gyal come dead laas an shi soh lickle bit an cute?

Boardlane TV: She technically did not come “dead laas”, miss. She was placed fifth. That is quiet an accomplishment, don’t you think?

Suzy: (Holding up 5 fingers) Lady… is five smaddy did tan up deh an fram dem lick har out a di competition, to mi dat mean shi come dead laas! Jamaican people noh use to dem tings yah. Wi noh enta nutten an come dead laas. Nat a mumma backside! Nutten more dan a wan lang hair smaddy dem did waan win again! Dem mek mi tomach sick!

Boardlane TV: Never mind darling. It could have been worst. I am going to move on to this young man who is still jubilating despite the placement of Kaci. Sir, why are you so happy?

Fur Cat: (Grinning) Mi cyaan feel a way fi how lickle Miss Muffet represent Jamaica. My girl sell aff! Wan time mi si Kaci a wink pan di camera an mi hawt start gallop like race harse… mi swear a mi shi a wink affa. Kaci noh tap seduce mi wid har dreamy yiye dem. Mi soh glad mi lef mi ooman a di yaad caah shi woulda tek jealousy an start pure war out yah tinite. Mi ago sleep good tonight. Noh worry yuhself.

Boardlane TV: I see. Glad you got your fix for the night. Now Miss, come over here and talk to the viewers. How are you taking this major upset?

Babzy: (Face wrenched) IT HAT MI! It hat mi soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi know is dis ting hat mi an it ago hat mi fi a very lang time.

Boardlane TV: Why are you so hurt?

Babzy: Mi cyaan explain odda dan it HAT mi! Mi noh waan nobaddy ask mi nutten else caah it HAT mi bad! Mi noh have nutten else fi seh.

Boardlane TV: Well, it should be clear to our viewers that this truly “hat yuh.” Thanks for the comment. Now Miss come over here and talk to the viewers. What is your take on the outcome?

Hilda: (Holding back tears) Personally, mi tink dem teif Kaci an mi believe seh Miss Columbia teet too big fi win beauty contest. When shi smile di whole a di teet tek up di screen an look how big disyah screen bi.

Boardlane TV: I think she is a beautiful young lady, no?

Hilda: (Kiss teet) Shi noh betta looking dan fi wi gyal! Mi have cow weh smile betta dan har. Mi did preffa Kaci teet, pose an frack – everything pan har set good. Dem too bloody teif! Dem judge deh waan dash weh! Dats why di people dem boo dem backside. Di blasted lot a dem cyaan even chat good English mek people get fi undastan weh di r@@s dem a seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok then, miss. Thanks for speaking so candidly. How about you sir, what is your take?

Sam: As far as mi si Kaci win! Noat a soul a chat bout Miss Columbia.. everybody fram coast to coast, a Kaci name gaan a lead. Shi a di only wan inna di top 5 weh did have personality an helegance. Di ress a dem did stiff like boad. Only wan ting did hole Kaci back fram tek di crown.

Boardlane TV: What do you think held her back?

Sam: Mi tink troo shi have fine foot shi cudden tan up pan dem good. Kaci foot dem noh bigga dan fi maskita. Shi did a wobble wan an two time til all wan time shi nearly pitch ova pan di stage. Gad know mi glad shi neva drap caah mi noh know if di foot dem wudden bruck to rahtid.

Boardlane TV: Hmmn. That never came to mind but thank you sir. Come here lovey. You are dying to talk to us. What do you have to say?

Carmen: Mi seh lady I neva si nutten bun mi soh! Some a dem ooman deh nat even shoulda come even near Kaci to bird beak. Di lickle cranky wan from Ukraine a come a talk bout fi har country give army to di world. A wah kina fawt dat?! Well shi an dat deh army can goh siddung an hole a medz caah dat noh mek it. Miss Netherlands she look like shi shoulda have wan bress pump set fi har roun a di back caah shi did look very milky uppa tap deh. Mi naah lie. Di ti-ti dem swell up soh til di poor frack did a strain unda di pressure.

Boardlane TV: Wow! You are not holding back. You don’t think you are being harsh?

Carmen: Lady I am tawking di troot dat I feel inna mi hawt. Miss Columbia nice an ting mi tink dem only gi har di crown caah shi have nearly eleventeen bredda an sistas an dem look hungry. A dats why shi win. Mi bex lik bull frag! Kaci shoulda come up betta dan dat. An mi naah stap seh soh!

Boardlane TV: Well, there you have it all. On a whole we can say that these supporters are truly disappointed that despite her valiant effort, Miss Jamaica did not place higher in the competition. On behalf of Baordlane TV we wish Kaci Fennel well in her future endeavors. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studio

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Jan 26, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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BOARDLANE TV:KARTEL SENTENCED – REACTIONS FROM JAMAICANS. (Funny Spoof)

Boardlane TV: Good day ladies and gentlemen. Bordlane TV news has just learned that Adidja ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer and his three co-accused were just sentenced to life in prison for the  murder of Clive ‘Lizard’ Williams. Some Jamaicans are vividly upset with the verdict while some camps believe the verdict was just.  I have a  young man standing next to me who says he is a supporter of the dancehall DJ, has something to say about the verdict. Go ahead, young man.

Blinkas: (Shouting angrily) Mek mi show unu dis now massive.. yuh si all a dis blurtnaught sheggries weh dem a put poor people troo, wi naah blurneet tek it soh! Wi dun si seh dem  a use Kartel as scapegoat fi put fear inna ghetto yute but mi waan di World Boss fi know seh *WI*  naah goh stap fight fi im freedom an wi naah stap seh soh!!

Boardlane TV:  May I ask how are you and the rest of supporters planning onbe fighting for his freedom? Explain?

Blinkas: (Pauses) Well…well wi can do some tings like… like eehhh.. like put aan some stage show or.. well troo wi noh have noh funds an ting dat ago tough fi do still.  A noh nutte dow. Wi  can gwaan mek some chune fi blaze up fiyah pan di oppression weh dem a put poor people troo, n’aah mean. But world boss fi free up! GAZA STRAIGHT!

Boardlane TV: OK I guess freedom songs will help indeed. Never worked before but you can never tell. Let me get to this little miss who is in tears. Come over here sweetheart.  What is going on?

Shazzy: (Wailing) Mi mumma! Dem kill Kartel!  Woooiieieee Kartel dead nung!

Boardlane TV:  Miss, why are you saying that. He is not dead.

Shazzy: (Still wailing) Might as well dem did kill im. How di backside im a goh manige inna jail fi di ress a im life?! How im ago survive widout di cake soap fi soh long?! Look how im skin did a buss soh nice an pretty. Yuh know all dem ago do now a mek im tan a jail an tun back black an dry dung to nutten. (Drops to the ground and rolling) Woooiieieee Kartel mi feel it fi yuh! Waaiiiiiii! Mi baby faada dead oyyyyeeee! Dancehall noh good again oyyyeee!!!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear, we may need an ambulance for this one. Moving on now to this man who is eager to make a comment. What do you think of the verdict and was it just in your opinion?

Bradley: Yes! Yes! Yes! A dat di lickle brute fi get! Every day dem a walk a talk bout dem a bad man fram birt. Well seet deh! A dat bad man get fi tek up badmanship pan im head. Dem blasted careliss bway love chuck badniss to much an cyaan hangle di consequence.

Ruffus: (Cursing as he walks by)  MOVE an GWEH  ediat bway! Yuh sour like lime! Kartel help out more yute inna di ghetto more dan anyting. A wan man di boss kill an dem come gi im LIFE?! How dat fi fair? Man, goh bade yuh dutty self an come affa Kartel name!

Bradley: Now hear dis ignorant jackass bout a wan man im kill soh di verdict noh fair. Yuh hear dat trupiness miss TV lady?! A dem kina fawt Kartel followers chat day in, day out like dem brain a wan big empty dry coknat! Dyam fool!

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) Thank you for your opinion, sir and try to avoid further confrontation. We don’t want to see you get hurt. Next we have an elderly lady who wants to speak to our viewers. Go right ahead.

Hilda: (Hands akimbo) Yes mam. Tideh mi suppose to deh a market a mine mi stall but mi decide fi come a court fi come hear dis sentance fi myself. Mi decide seh mi noh waan hear it pan TV, less mi goh paas out an nobaddy noh deh roun mi fi crape mi up. When mi lissen to di Judge good an hear har a chat an a chat an den all of a suden shi goh soh – BAM – 35 to Life pan yuh head tap! I tan up deh a piss up di wan good drawz mi wear tideh.

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Does that mean you did not like the verdict?

Hilda: NO SAH! Nat a dyam! Aldowe mi noh believe a im kill Lizzad, mi coulda deal wid 6 monts to a year caah dem have im a prison soh lang from 19 how lang dat im serve a good amount a time arreid di fi di lilly bway weh dem seh dead. Im coulda all deh a Mandeville a lay low now an a watch weh poor Kartel a goh troo and a laugh. But Gad naah sleep. If Lizzad really a tek dis ting fi joke, im is a WIKID  sucka! (Screaming in the mike) LIZZAD! Di joke dun now! Come from affa di hill an come talk di troot mek dem free World Boss Yuh is nat a Lizzad but a blasted SERPENT fi mek dem a do di poor bway soh!

Boardlane TV: (Raised eye brows) Miss, “Lizard” is in fact dead. Where are you coming from with this theory?

Hilda: Look yah lady. Yuh look like yuh did goh good school, soh doan talk what yuh doanknow. How di backside yuh know dat?! Mi haffi si Lizzad dead bady before me believe any ting di liyad police dem seh. Di dutty bway a hide weh upppa Mandeville. Believe mi when mi tell yuh dat. Mi dream bout it laas week. Awoh!!

Boardlane TV:OK Miss.. I think you will never be persuaded otherwise. Thank you. Young lady come over hearr and give us the final comment of the day. What you have to say about today’s verdict?

Lorna: (Steps forward) Well, me personally noh feel sarry fi Kartel. Some a dem feel seh caah dem a big artist dem can jus walk an kill as dem please an get weh wid it. May Gad help im inna jail caah by di time im come outta jail im naah goh name World Boss again. Dem ago call im “Lizzad” jus like di bway weh im kill.

Boardlane TV:  How so?

Lorna: (grins) Yuh noh si how im start change color arredi. A ongle lizzad wan mi si change color soh often. Wan minute im white an nex minute im black an dem im tun white again to backfoot. Im nex color change ago bi grey when im tun ole man a walk outta prison. He heya! What a ting! Kartel a life yaah baby.. yuh do di crime bossy, yuh haffi do di time. Dats all.

Boardlane TV: Well that is a great place to end this interview. Thank you so much for you all for tuning into Boardlane TV. We promise to bring you much more on this very divisive case and verdict as things unfold. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studios.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright April  3rd, 2014

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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BOARDLANE TV BRODACAST: WILL JAMAICANS PULL THE THREAD ON THEIR WEAVES? (Jamaican Spoof)

BAORDLANE TV BRODACAST: WILL JAMAICANS PULL THE THREAD ON THEIR WEAVES? (Jamaican Spoof)

 

Customs Commissioner, Major Richard Reese recently announced that the Customs Department will be collecting taxes on the import of human hair weaves. According to recent reports, weave imports have reached JM$1 billion and now the government wants a bigger piece of the pie. Boardlane TV took to the streets to find out how local hairdressers and customers feel about the imposed tax on this commodity.

Boardlane TV: Hi folks, I am in the middle of a street corner “salon” located on Princess Street in downtown, Kingston. This corner is bustling with folks having hear extensions done and we are eager to get their feedback on the weave tax that is about to affect them. We have someone here who wants to weigh in. Go ahead, miss.

Pinkey: (Lips pouted) Hello! Mi is a hair bootichian fi ova 15 years now an mi neva have been seen such sheggries like dis yet! I doan know why di jancrow dem noh hop affa poor people! Wi already a pay tax pan di spritz dem. Wah more dem waan? Wan bakkle a spritz a fi $450 dalla plus tax. Den silva glitta is aneda $250 plus tax. When mi dun pay fi all a dat now, mi cyaan even afford a backle a hair aile fi grease dung di people dem dry head. Di set a jancrow dem out fi kill wi aff wid tax!

Boardlane TV: So do you think this is unfair? Is the government taking advantage of the upsurge of weaves in the country?

Pinkey: Of course di parasite dem a tek libatty wid wi! Di weave dem tax before dem lef China and as dem reach a airport dem tax dem again. Den when dem put dem pan truck, dem put aan highway tax pan dem again. Fi tek dem affa di truck a di warehouse ..dem tax it backside again. Kiss mi toe nail bway! Fram a bawn a neva si such wikidness!

Boardlane TV: Oh my! You seems to be up-to-date on all sorts of imaginary tax. Thanks for chatting with me. (Moves to another section) Hi Miss, I see you are getting a fancy do. Are you concerned that such a hair-style will one day be too expensive for you to get?

Perline: Well lady, yuh noh know how it goh. Welcome to land of wood, water an weaves. A yah soh poor people money spend.  If a di laas lickle money wi have, it haffi spen pan wi hair, clothes an finganail.

Boardlane TV: So your priority will always be your hair no matter what it cost?

Perline: It noh matta mi weh dem waan tax, enoh lady. All mi do, if push come to shove di hair can wash an dry pan clothes line an re-use til every strawn a hair drop outta di track. Mi noh cyaah, becausen seh my hair haffi look bash pan a certain level. Long, curly an pretty-pretty, yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. (Speaking to the hairdresser ) So do you agree with your client that the tax will not affect you and your business, young lady?

Munchie: (Busy sewing in weave) Baby doll, govament luckia dan mi yaah. Dem naah stap my progress caah everybody a wear weave. A it a di in ting like Tessanne Chin. Trus mi! Dem fi portian out di tax dem prappa dowe. Some  a di pack dem come wid stringy-stringy hair weh cyaan siddung pan people head right an prappa! Is a sin fi pay tax pan dem deh bad-breed hair deh.

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) I am sure you do not expect the government to spend time to decipher what is quality hair from what is not – right?

Munchie: (Still busy sewing in weave) How yuh mean?!  If dem ago demands dat we pay more tax, wi a demand dat dem sen good hair come gi wi. All Portia she, shi betta come dung yah come mek mi put wan sensible weave inna har head. Di tiyad bang shi have fram 1972 waan upgrade. (Grabbing the Mike) Portia come dung a Princess street an ask fi Munchie, yuh hear? A me do Macka Diamond hair fi Sting. Aldowe shi did flop out, har hair style did slap weh!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Ok ladies, thanks for your comments. I would love to hear from a male. Which one of you gentleman would like to comment on the weave tax?

Richie: (Raise his hands) Mi have something fi seh, sistren. Mi noh stap seh, oh what a web dem a weave when dem practice fi deceive wi!  Why dese women woan grow wah already deh pan dem head? A dat a baffle mi to bombawt!

Perline: (Shouts angrily) Shut up yuh blasted mout! Weh yuh noh practice fi comb yuh blinking head weh tough like dem blasted steel wool weh can scowa pot!

Richie: (Argues back) At least a fi mi head dis a grow fram di root straight to di stem! Di govament fi charge yuh tax fi a walk roun wid dat deh vampire face to. Yuh dyam face full a more dent dan di cyar dem a junk yaad to rahtid. Tek weh yuhself gyal!

Boardlane TV: (Signals) OK, OK! You are live on TV. Please stop the fussing and continue your remarks to our viewers. You were saying?

Richie: Yes, sistren. Sarry! Mi was a seh dat if dem neva did a hitch aan soh much false hair pan dem head govament wudden have weave fi tax. A dem put dat pan dem head – literally and figarately! Dem fi knot up dem head like rasta an get back in touch wid dem roots.

Perline: (Still arguing) Nobadddy noh waan dem head full a lice like fi yuh! Look like dat deh head noh wash fram yuh come outta yuh mumma belly! Gweh dutty bway!

Boardlane TV: (Alarmed) Oh sweet Jesus! Sir, you can go now. Thanks for the comments. Is there anyone else in favor of the tax who would like to speak on camera?

Maxine: (Steps forward) Well, I have to say I agree wid di tax. Mi noh too pree di weave ting caah mi try it wan time an mi head scratch out mi daylight whole day soh til mi haffi tear ie aff. But mi sista dem love it! If dem can tax hanbag, jewelry an odda accessories, dem can tax hair to.

Boardlane TV:  So you are saying that hair weaves should be classified as an accessory?

Maxine: (Nods) Yes, yes, yes! My sista dem wear dem like any accessory! Dem noh goh noh weh widdout it. Dem all have wig fi every day a di week inna all sorta color. Weh di govament fi tax to a di blasted bat lash weh dem put pan dem yeye to. Mi a defen taxing false anyting!  All di fake Rasta dem fi get tax to. Some a dem have aan di natty locks but dem naah deal wid Rasta principles. A nyam up di Trenton like it a goh outta style. Yes, a wi seh tax fi tun up pan all falsity! Chat bout!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Tax, tax and more tax! Well, folks you heard what the people had to say. It appears some folks will have to hold on tight to their extensions and wigs, because weave taxes are coming in with gale force wind speed. This is Wendy reporting live from Princess Street. Now back to the studios.

 

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  January 14th, 2014

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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VOICE TOP 10 PERFORMS: JAMAICANS WEIGH IN . (Jamaican Spoof)

The Voice’s final 10 singers assembled for a live two-hour battle last night. The night was punctuated by a “cameo” appearance from Olympian Usain Bolt. When it was her time, Tessanne Chin gave another powerful rendition of “If I was your woman.” With nine other contestants who performed, Boardlane TV is Live in Portmore, Jamaica to obtain feedback from  the viewers of the show.

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from outside a shopping Mall in Portmore. I have a young lady standing next to me who identified herself  as an avid viewer and a loyal Tessanne fan. So miss, we know you are a Tessanne fan, are there any other favorites you have in the show?

Felicia: (Nods) No sah! To tell yuh troot half a dem boring noh puss front! Wan lily gyal pan di show name Caroline, Gad know seh shi fi use Google maps an goh fine har bloody yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?

Felicia: Nat a backside! An doan even get mi started pan di loud mout gyal name, Kat. Why di blurtbeet rouna fi har yeye dem haffi always soh black like di pot dem inna mi kitchen?  Every week it come een like shi beg smaddy tump har inna har yeye before shi touch di stage. Den di black vampire wan wid im zip up sleeve, Ceelo, a come talk bout Kat have 9 live. Well so does DUPPY an if shi noh fayva wan mi change mi name to Medusa!

Boardlane TV: OK then. Very strong feelings there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now, you sir have been waiting patiently to speak to me. What is your take on the top 10 performers?

Ranny: (Shaking head side-to-side) Baby doll, mi siddung inna mi settee a pree how Miss Chin a sing out har heart an soul to mi. Laas night shi mek it clear to mi dat  if she was MY WOMAN, mi wouden waan noh more ooman an shi woulda mek mi weak like a goat!

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) That should be like a “lamb”, sir. The word in the song is, “lamb.”

Ranny: Goat-Lamb… same dyam ting caah di two a dem can curry! Weh mi a try seh is, shi look straight inna di camera an tell mi seh me is a part of har an mi jus noh know yet. An shi waan mi but shi too fraid fi show it.  Oh Gad, a feel it to mi BONE! (Closing his eyes) Oh Tessy, I need yuh caressing and loving, baby. (Licks lips)

Tina: (Slaps across his head) Ranny! Weh di rahtid yuh jus seh, big head?! Yuh tink mi noh si yuh ova yah a drip mout wata ova di nice, nice woman weh nat even know wan ting bout yuh an yuh bruck  ass!

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) Excuse me. Boardlane TV, here. Who are you?

Tina:  Mi a di wifie, Miss lady. Mi si im ova yah a chat to yuh soh mi seh mek mi walk ova an hear what unu talking bout. Only fi hear im an im ransid mout a chat bout Tess want him. Coo im to. Fayva dem blastid croakin’ lizzad!

Boardlane TV: Never mind him. I’m sure it was all innocent. Well, I asked your husband to give me his take on the Voice last night. Do you have anything to say about any of the contestants?

Tina: Yes, as a matter of fact, I does have some tings to seh. Tess, yuh ting shell dung but sweetie, a when yuh ago bruck out di dub plate mek wi hear some reggae music? Come een like Adam noh know weh di fawt im a do wid yuh except fi a stare inna yuh yeye like im si matta in deh! Look yah noh Adam, Miss Chin nat trying to headline show inna Pegasus hotel, enoh. Di ooman a try get top a di line intanational career! Tap gi di ooman sang weh drap affa di chart fram whappy kill phillup an bring har up to di forty-first century! Cho r@@s man!

Ranny: Yes, a true ting mi wife a seh. Leggo di reggae pan di crowd Tessy, but noh sing noh more sang to mi caah yuh a cause worries inna mi house. Love yuh bad, bad, bad!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) You two are a funny bunch. You can go now and Miss, go easy on your husband. It was just fantasy.  Moving along. Sir, would you like to share your views on any of the contestants of the show?

Ringo:  Trus mi, a nuff tings di Don waan seh still but hear wah…mek a seh sinting bout di yute weh name James Worl-Pit or whateva im waan name…

Boardlane TV: Do you mean James Wolpert, sir?

Ringo: (Shrugs) Yes, dah punk deh! Mi waan fi know weh di blurtneet di bredda goh tek aan high note weh im cyaan manige fah? Di yute set fi goh high wan time an mi swear im sh!t up im pants. Mi bet any money seh im all buss out im pant cratches pan di stage an dem haffi change im roun a back deh. BLURTNAUGHT! Di bway nearly buss up mi ears drum to banana trash!

Boardlane TV: So clearly you didn’t like his performance, ah?

Ringo: No Star! Adam mite as well gi im wan lollipop an sen im home to im mumma fi Chrismuss. As far as mi si, a ongly Tess wan fi deh pan fi im team. Waste a time di whole lot a dem!

Boardlane TV: You held back nothing at all for sure. Thanks for the comments and we have just enough time left for one more person. Let me grab this young lady with her shopping bags. Miss, Boardlane TV reporting. Would you like to share with us your take in the top 10 performances on the Voice?

Nino: Ah yes, that show! The highlight for me was when Usain Bolt show im face fi seh im come fi support  Tessanne. Bad enough di yankee dem haffi get a buss assin pan di track an now Usain Bolt come pan di Voice fi mek di whole a di singas dem know seh Tess ago put aan more buss assin pan dem Jamaican-style! Lawd, it noh pretty!

Boardlane TV: So you think this is going to be another win for Jamaica, ah?

Nino: No question bout dat! Mite as well dem start line up di podium an get ready fi hice up di flag backa Tessanne and mek shi sing di national antem. It is going to be an Olympic style victory where Tessanne wins by a long-slide. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV: Who do you think will be the runner up?

Nino: (Kiss teet) It noh matta mi enoh lady, soh as long as di whole a dem come dead laas backa har, in the name of Jesus. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV:  OK, there you have it. One viewer has just predicted a win for the Jamaican songstress by a “long-slide” – whatever that means. This is Wendy reporting from Portmore shopping plaza. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  November 19th, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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