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Election 2016 – Interview with Jamaicans & Portia Simpson (Funny Spoof
The Jamaica Labour Party was declared the winner of the 2016 general election, after claiming 33 of the 63 constituency seats. With the JLP handing the PNP a stunning defeat, the green party supporters took to the streets to celebrate its massive victory. Boardlane TV was there to capture some candid movements
Boardlane TV: Hello viewers! I am here in the midst of a jubilant crowd of JLP supporters who took to the streets in a sea of green to celebrate their party’s victory. Let me get some reactions from some of the folks here. Miss, please tell our viewers how you feel about the election outcome.
Tracy: (grinning ear to ear) I feel euphoratic today. VERY, VERY EUPHORATIC! I cyaan tell yuh how it feel fi know seh wi get rid a di bad weed dem inna di country and mi naah chat bout Cali-weed eida. It is going to be a very PRESPEROUS road wid Andrew at di control. I am so very, very EUPHORATIC and EXTASTIC!
Boardlane TV: My, my such big words. Thank you so much for your comment. Young man tell us how you are feeling right about now.
Fabian : (Cheering) Up up up SHOWAAAAA to di worl!!! Yes iyah! Di dinosaur era ova yah now. A fi wi time now. Bare young people a tek ova fram di old cruff dem! A prosperity time now and di labourite team tun up LOUD LOUD!! Mi soon can buy oxtail an cow foot again! Di national dish ago mek a come back like di “Badda Badda” Riddim! No more bread an butta! Brap Brap!
Julia: (Cheering along ) Raaaaaay Andrew Holness gaan clear! Wi sink PNP ship an run Poorsha outta Gordon House to rahtid! It sweet mi!! Wah day mi si how much tousands a people inna orange outta half way tree square dat mi tink PNP did ago run weh wid di election. Weh dem deh now? Matta fact di only orange mi si tideh a wan man a sell some sour orange inna wan wheel barrow. Nat a nedda orange mi si whole day. Weh dem gaan hide?
Delroy: (Chiming in) Mi know a few a dem weh did dress up inna orange ganzi an orange boot goh polling station. Mi waan wan a dem come beg mi money when JLP start mek money run like riva wata!
Boardlane TV: So it sounds like you believe in the promises of the JLP to get rid of personal income tax for everyone who earns $1.5 million or less?
Delroy: How yuh mean? Yah man! I believe dem! Di man pramise wi seh minimum wage fi move from $6000 to $8000 come April 1st. And so help GAD ALMIGHTY – if mi noh get dat deh money weh him promise wi, mi mek sure call a next election an vote out im Blurtnaught! Mi dead serious!
Boardlane TV: I hear you sir. Although you don’t have the power to call an election but I get your point. (Smiles) Moving along…young man, what do you attribute this win by the JLP to most?
Gregory: Simple put- Portia arrogance and haggish behavior like shi market ooman. Imagine Andrew waan debate an shi come a chat bout shi naah debate nohbaddy! Mi haffi seh to miself, what a lickle renkas bright and outta orda. Portia did a gwaan like shi Jesus Christ but shi naah feed di poor people like weh Him woulda do. Shi noh fit fi bi noh PM caah shi mek wan bag a foo-fool decisions an mek poor people pay feet! An di only new industry weh develop unda fi har government was scamming. Scamma mek more money dan business man to brown daag!
Boardlane TV: With that said, what are you looking forward to from your new government?
Gregory: Good question caah I have a list of demands. (Looking into the camera)) Andrew, mek sure yuh buy back Air Jamaica. Wi lang fi di si wi own iron bird a fly inna di sky. If dem waan hole wi airline hostage, sen fi some man fram dung a Garrison Lane. Mek wi deal wid di case fi yuh. Straight! Nex orda fi yuh bredren… mi waan all a di school pickney dem school fee fi FREE soh dat mi baby modda can hop affa mi fenda bout money a mont time. Every blastid minute book an fee fi pay an mi noh have it a r@@s! Blastid ooman soh flipping igging. Deal wid dat fi mi boss.
Roach: (Adds) Mi have a few demands fi mek to lady.
Boardlane TV: Go ahead. What are your demands?
Roach: Pan day wan mi waan Andrew fi investigate Poorsha an fine out how shi value US$20 million an Obama only value 11 million. A wah goh soh? A mussi Peter Phillips maths shi a use fi count up har money! An mi waan Andrew fi deal wid weh a gwaan ova Goat Island. Wi still noh sure if “Lizzard” dead or alive. Investigate dat to. Free up Buju and Kartel! Run weh di Chinese dem an gi wi back wi land! An mek sure di dollar noh slide wan more penny or else a war!
Boardlane TV: On that note, we would like to let our viewers know that we had an opportunity to speak briefly with the ousted Prime Minister just after her concession speech. Here is the footage:
*******************************************************************
Boardlane TV: Prime Minister Simpson, what do you have to say about the resounding defeat your party took in the elections? What went wrong in your opinion?
Portia Simpson: Well, hall I hoff to say that the people hoff Jamaica hoff spoken. I just hope and pray dott the JLP does not wreck the economy I work so hord to build up.
Boardlane TV: But Mrs. Simpson, the people of Jamaica would not agree with you that the economy was on good footing given the every day struggles they faced.
Portia Simpson: Look hear noh Miss, doan draw mi tongue! We have done our best. The foct is, we are not quarrelling with anyone. The people voted for a party that promise them all sorts of things that the JLP cannot deliver and I will be watching to see whot hoppens in a few years because the people will be begging bock for me.
Boardlane TV: So you will be monitoring Andrew Holness carefully? Is that what you are saying?
Portia Simpson: I am not watching any of them over that party. As a woman, I doan watch man. What I am saying is that I am going to see if Andrew can find where money hiding to talk bout him going to reduce taxes and increase wages. I am also going to see if him build a bigger mansion than mines. Yes, I will be watching.
Boardlane TV: Would you like to offer any words of advise to the new PM, Mrs. Simpson?
Portia Simpson: No, not really. It is fi dem cross to bear now. Not mine. But I will reach out to Andrew to borrow back the plane because I still plan to go to Rio for the Olympics. I not paying big plane fare to reach dere. That is all. Have a good day.
Boardlane TV: That is all we have for you today folks. The people have spoken. As Jamaica looks towards a new future, let’s hope the country gets stronger than yesterday. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright Feb 25th , 2016
Books by the author:
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Jamaicans Prepare for President Obama’s Visit (Funny Spoof)
Portia Simpson Miller announced that President Obama will pay a state visit to Jamaica on April 9th en route to Panama. BOARDLANE TV wanted to solicit some insights from Jamaicans on the streets on just how much the visit will mean to them.
Boardlane TV: Hello viewers. With news of a sitting US president to visit the island since Ronald Reagan, we are here in Montego Bay feeling the pulse of Jamaicans in anticipation of his visit. Standing with me is a school girl who says she is a fan of the US President. Go ahead and tell us what do you think of this visit?
Tricia: (Excited) Hello Miss, mi cyaan believe seh Mista Obama a come a wi lickle Jamaica! Dis feel to mi like when mummy introduce mi to mi daddy fi di fuss time, mi naah lie. Mi love meeting strangers yuh si. Anyway, Mista President do mi a beg yuh stap a Mo’bay before yuh goh a Gordon house sar. Mi waan ketch a glimpse a yuh an si if a soh yuh really look good-up an frass like how mi si yuh pan TV.
Sadie: (Interrupts) Yes Barack! Come a Mobay fuss soh wi can gi yuh some roast yam an saltfish fi nyam. It look like di wan Michelle put yuh pan so-so lettuce leaf diet. Wi noh like how look draw dung an fayvah when daag a set fi dead. Yuh naah lef Jamaica til wi buff yuh up soh yuh can full out yuh suit dem good an prapa. Muah! Wi love yuh to di max Barack!
Boardlane TV: (Smiles) Very cute. Thanks.. now I’m going to talk to this T-shirt street vendor over here. Hello madam.. how do you feel about President Obama’s visit next month?
Rhoda: (Shocked) Kiss mi mumma tripe! A lie! ‘Bama a come a Jamaica?!!
Boardlane TV: Yes ma’am, in April. You didn’t hear about it?
Rhoda: No baby love! A weh di puss tail yuh a seh to mi! Excuse mi deh lickle …mi have a phone cawl fi mek (She dials a number on her cell phone) Dutty gyal Marva! A mi Rhoda… gyal wan ooman weh deh yah a interview mi fi TV seh Michelle Obama baby daddy a come a yaad! Misiss beg yuh put mi inna yuh book deh. Mi a come ova Satiday mawning fi put in 4 track inna mi head. Mi haffi look bash fi mi President. By di way Marva, mi money ago shart when mi come.. but mi wi pay yuh when mi sell di nex quarta dozen t-shut, yuh hear mums? Layta!
Boardlane TV: I see you are very excited but why do you want to get dolled up for the President… you may not even get a chance to see him since he will be in Kingston.
Rhoda: Yuh tan deh tink soh! If mi haffi boom a ride pan wan handcart fi reach Kingston fi goh si dat deh scrumptious man, a dat mi ago do. (Kiss teet) Excuse mi lickle caah mi haffi goh ketch Missa Chin shap fi buy some blue, red an white hair. Yuh luckia dan mi. .. (Pushing away the Mike) Beg yuh paas.
Mikey: (Puffing on a cigarette) Miss lady, a soh some a dem dunce gyal yah love galang like some blinking pappy show like dem tink Obama a come a Jamaica fi kin im teet an goh a beach wid dem. Mi suspek seh all im a come yah fah, is fi si if di yute dem dung yah a link up wid ISIS and ALKIDA. Noh troo yuh si mi noh have my diploma, mi noh know what a gwaan. Dem check seh big man a fool!
Boardlane TV: Sir, I do believe the President’s visit has nothing to do with terrorist organizations. He is planning on meeting with the PM to talk about security, trade and other topics, sir.
Clifford: (chimes in) Yow TV lady! Lowe mi bredrin mek im talk di tings straight! Di man a come dung yah fi pree some tings weh noh too level. Yuh si mi? When Obama siddung wid Portia all mi want im fi do is fi negotiate di release of Dudus, Kartel, Buju an dem man deh, zeen? A dem deh kina trade agreement wi deh pan. Memba mi tell yuh dat!
Boardlane TV: Young man, I highly doubt any of those talks will go down with the Prime Minister.. but thanks for the remarks anyway. Let me move on. You leaning against the post, do you have any expectations for the President’s visit?
Dennis: (wrenched face) Which President yuh a talk bout, sistren?
Boardlane TV: Aaah…the President of the Unites States, Barack Obama, sir. He will be here on April 9th.
Dennis: BOMBAWT!!! ‘Bama a fly dung fi real?! Well, im can gas up Air Force one an fawud still. But mi ago miss di whole ting caah I-man have a court date pan di sed day fi a weed charge, yuh noh seet. As yuh a talk bout dat, if ‘Bama naah come fi support Jamaica an buy up some a wi good high-grade an leggo some money inna wi country, a waste a time visit still. Nuff place a farrin legalize di herb soh im betta come prappa wid some dallaz line up fi di good sensie. Yuh si mi?
Boardlane TV: If you say so. Again, thanks for your comments. Hello Miss in the jeans skirt. Do you agree that the President’s visit could be a waste of time if not to negotiate on marijuana? How do you feel about this?
Lacy: (Frowns) I doan care wedda im want to come here or what im coming here fah. I jus cancern dat Portia need fi tidy up di place before shi invite good people to wi yaad. When yuh a invite stoosh people a yuh yaad, doan yuh suppose to mek sure di place noh look chacka-chacka an smell rancid? Di garbage waan pick up an dem fi out di fiyah ova Riverton. Dem cyaan have di man a fly troo black smoke. Suppose im choke up inna di air? And let’s say far instance di man goh drap inna pothole ..how dat ago look? Jesas man.. di place waan freshen up before shi chat bout shi a bring in Obama. Im noh use to di nastiness! A noh soh di man grow! Dat is slackniss!
Boardlane TV: Wow. Interesting. Thanks. Come here sweetie, looks like you want to add to what she said. Speak into the mike.
Karlene: (chimes in) Yes mam..shi speaking di troot. An ‘part fram di pot hole dem ..supposen seh light goh lack aff pan di poor man when im deh yah?! A soh Portia ago mek im siddung inna pitch black a count peenie wallie? All di same.. im fi si dese tings soh im can know dat Jamaica is nat all paradise an glory. Fawt if dem eva know di real story an goh put ie pan CNN and FOXNEWS! What a sinting wi woulda behole dung yah to rahtid!
Boardlane TV: You both have some good points there. Lastly, you in the green blouse with “JLP” written on it. You seem to be someone who is political. What do you have to say?
Jackie: (Speaks into the camera) Well, yes I support the Jamaica Labor Party and I would like to send greetings to the President from Mobay. I would also like fi hosk im, if afta im lef di white house, if im can come dung here an run fi Prime Minister?
Boardlane TV: (puzzled) You know that is not possible, right?
Jackie: (Rolls her eyes) Look yah noh…. anyting is passible when yuh pray to Almighty Gad! Di only reason mi wudden want im fi come dung yah a run di country is if im is PNP an cumunjin like Portia. Odda dan dat im fi really look into it. Wi need nuff help dung yah bad caah di eediat dem weh a run JLP noh wort di pot weh dem p!ss inna neida!
Boardlane TV: Ok I see. You guys have been amazing in your responses. Well folks we have heard it all today – those in support and those not so keen on the idea of the President’s visit. That is going to be it for now until next time. This is Wendy reporting live from Montego Bay. Have a pleasant day.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright March20th 2015
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
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Government Shut Down: Obama Gets “Jamaican” on Boehner (Spoof)
As the government shut down continues, an exasperated President Barack Obama called in Speaker of the house, John Boehner, for talks in attempt to end the stalemate. The Speaker emerged from the talks very shaken and visibly in tears, claiming “ the President got straight Jamaican on me, man.” Boardlane TV obtained a voice recording of what went down behind closed doors during the talk. Take a listen.
Boehner: Hey there, Mister President! Thanks for inviting me to the White House for this talk. (Smiling) Nice tie, by the way.
Barack: (Grimacing) Jus sit yuh backside dung an noh come grin yuh big teet dem wid mi! Right now mi inna no joke bizness wid yuh! (Points) Pree dis, yuh si dis problem weh yuh an di ress a cow ticks dem inna di House a cause, unu betta sort it out proppa before unu get mi cross like Bounty Killa!
Boehner: (Eyes wide open) Wait a minute, Mister President. You’re Jamaican?! Hot dam! Man, I thought you were from Kenya, dude! And who’s “Bounty Killa?” His he from AlQueda?
Barack: YOW! Noh ask mi noh bombawt question bout Al Queda an stick to di matta before mi subtract yuh front teet. A long time mi a kip mi cool but unu gwaan soh til unu draw out di Yaadie outta mi an mek mi RED! (Stroking his chin) Soh when yuh an di fassy dem ago open up back di govament? Talk to mi!
Boehner: (Sighs) Well you see, Mister President, like we said days ago, we are willing to open up the government if you just stop handing out Health Care like candy to the American people. The American people don’t need health care. What the people want is more freedom, Mister President.
Barack: But a weh di kacka-tail yuh a chat bout, Bonah? How yuh mean di people dem noh waan healthcare! Man like yuh noh know nutten bout poor people plight an a my policy yuh waan come undamine. Mi tell yuh arredi an mi naah tell yuh again, mi naah mek NO deal pan di people dem ‘Bamacare! Yuh noh si nuff a di people dem inna Ted Cruz distric waan good dentis fi get dem teet fix! Everyday yuh si di blasted people dem pan TV wid wan bag a ratten teet inna dem blinking mout! Dem need di ‘Bamacare soh dem can goh tek care a dat nastiness!
Boehner: That is not the point though, sir. (Sighs) Look dude, I got a whole lotta them redneck bastard holding me hostage in the house. I ain’t trying to look like a punk in front of them. Please give me a little something, Mister President. Please!
Barack: Yow orange face termite! Yuh already look like a lickle punk!! Every minute yuh a walk roun a bawl like a lickle sissy an a wipe aff yuh nose naught pan yuh shut sleeve. Yuh know what your problem is, yuh an di Tea-Pot posse a try raise up ‘gainst di general an a instigate fi bring dung everyting Federal. But watch an si how unu plot ago flop. Real talk dat, bredrin!
Boehner: (Nervous laugh) No sir! Not true. All we want is compromise. Just a little compromise and we’ll open back the government and we’ll have a laugh about it on the golf course.
Barack: How ‘bout mi mek mi boot heel compromise wid yuh dankey face! Yuh tek bad man fi fool?! Laas time mi gi yuh compromise, yuh goh pan news an diss big man like yuh tink mi a di sausage nyaming bobo-dread weh marrid yuh knock knee dawta.
Boehner: It won’t happen again, I promise you. Throw me a bone please!!
Barack: Rasta, mi noh have noh boombeet bone a gi yuh! (Threatening stare) Lissen to mi boss man, noh mek mi get irate an set Bo fi bite out anneda hole inna yuh crusty b@tty! Di whole a unu betta stap tess mi patience before mi squeeze off a rocket fram mi drone an wipe out di whole a unu like how Hurricane Sandy wipe out Jersey!
Boehner: Naah ah! Not the drones. Calm down, bro! Look, what if we settle on another tax cut for the 1 %? How does that sound?
Barack: What if mi gi yuh uppa cut crass yuh jawbone?! How dat soun?
Boehner: (Flustered) Errrr.. OK, I guess no more tax cuts. Seriously, is there anything we can agree on today, sir? This damn Speakership is kicking my ass man! Give me something to take back to the house, please sir!
Barack: (Pulls him up by the collar) Mi seh fi open up back di blurtneet govament! A work mi come fi work ..a noh fowl mi come fi jerk! Wi seh wi naah retreat an wi naah surrenda!
Boehner: OK, sir. Let me go back and talk to the caucus. I’m going to try my best but you know my hands are tied. They’re trying to take me down, man!
Barack: Eeh, EEh. What a stress! Welcome to di party, cockroach! Now move from in front a mi before mi blow faas like a gas cylinda! If yuh know wah good fi yuh, come affa dis suicide mission caah a dead yuh out fi dead like cell phone battery. (Sipping alcohol) Mi deh yah soh a sip pan mi tigerbone blen up wid some tequila an a watch yuh movements.
Boehner: (Head hung low and sobbing) Man, this ain’t right! I hate this stupid job!
© Written by Joelle C. Wright October 4, 2013
Books by the Author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
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Tessanne Chin Wows The Voice: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)
Jamaicans woke up to a natural high after witnessing Reggae superstar, Tessanne Chin, dominated night two of The Voice’s blind auditions. Tessanne, who really had the judges going all-in, sang “Try” by Pink. The Jamaican had all four judges turned around by the time she hit the song’s chorus. Today Boardlane TV gets reaction from Jamaicans in downtown, Kingston.
Boardlane TV: Good day everyone, I am here in downtown Kingston where there a few elated Jamaicans gathered in a corner store still reminiscing about their home town girl’s performance on NBC’s, The Voice. Let’s hear what some of them have to say. Miss, step over here and tell us how you feel this morning after that wonderful performance by Tessanne Chin?
Joan: (Fanning away tears) Oh my sweet Jesas! Lady, a proud a Tennessee so til mi baddy WEAK!….
Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Her name is Tess-anne. Not “Tennessee” …that is the name of a State in the US.
Joan: Oh sarry! Dats why dem chiney people fi gi dem pickney name weh black people can pronounce, enoh. Cho! Ah-rite, soh what I were saying was dat Miss Tennessee gi dem a peica show deh! Mi seh, when di girl touch pan di fuss note mi jump up in spirit sed time. Den yuh si when di fuss chair tun roun .. a pan di grung mi deh wid asthma attack to fawt! Is mi son haffi carry mi ventilator sinting soh mi coulda breade again. Wooiiii! Excitement come ova mi dat mi nearly dead to rahtid! Tennessee, yuh sell aff, my girl!
Boardlane TV: Very nice…although you are still calling her “Tennessee.” Moving on. You Sir, was this a moment of pride and joy for you as it seems for everyone?
Graig: Den noh muss man! Bway, Jamaica really did need dis fi liff up wi spirit. Wi did a cry fi somting fi jubilate ova, caah si di blastid Reggae Boyz dem goh pan world stage goh put wi to shame wah day. Dah sinting still bun mi til dis day! But Miss Tess really tun up har ting loud pan di stage an mek wi can HICE UP di black, green, and gold once more. Wi well prouda har bad!
Boardlane TV: Well done, sir. Thanks. Hi there, come and have a chat with me. Did you see the performance and what do you think of it?
Icilyn: Dat lickle gyal pickney did granny heart proud but shi have to be very, very careful what shi talk out of har mout mek certain people hear.
Boardlane TV: (Confused) Come again. What do you mean by that, madam?
Icilyn: What I mean is, when Portia Simpson goh hear seh har singing is har Bread an Butta, shi naah goh do nutten but put aan more tax pan bread an butta. All Portia waan know is, if sinting a mek smaddy eat a food, it fi get tax an mi cyaan afford fi tax raise pan bread and butta caah dats all mi nyam a day time soh mi noh dead fi hungry.
Boardlane TV: (Chuckling) OK, madam. I hear you. Thank you for that Candid remark. Young miss, do you have anything else to add?
Rachel: (Holding the Mike) Yes, I would like to say to Tessa dat di whole a wi back home pulling for you shuga plum-plum. Wi also very happy dat yuh pick Adam an nat dat Country half-ediat name, Blake. How im fi ask di girl if she has ever been to Jamaica? Noh yah shi barn an grow?! Mi seh some people ignorant and dunce yuh si man! (Kiss teet) Well, im an im bow foot can nobaddy tink im a win dis again caah it ago bi Adam an Tess TO DI WOORLLLLLL!! Jamaicans seh soh!
Boardlane TV: I hear you. Well, we have just enough time for one more remark. Miss in the white blouse, come on over. Give us your feedback on the performance?
Bubbles: (Excited) Wooiiieee! Mi seh Missa Chin was di highlight a di night fi mi. Im jus goh pan di farrin TV an demand dat Tessa SHUT DEM DUNG BABY! Missa Chin noh tap jump up an prance like bull frag roun a back deh. But Lady, mi is a artical, rude gyal fram Vineyard Town an mi noh usually bawl fi much…but yuh si when Missa Chin start halla an seh, “Lawd mi lickle baby!” .. a buss out some cow bawling inna di place til all yeye wata soak mi ti-ti dem. Wi prouda all dem – dung to di puppa! Gad know!
Boardlane TV: Do you think she can win the competition?
Bubbles: Lady, dat is a very foo-fool questian! Anyting di yaadie dem inna wi haffi tek di Gold! Only di lickle football a gi wi trubble but a troo dem bway deh a play wid two lef foot. Tessanne Chin a tek dis ting to dem! Nobaddy cyaan compare!
Boardlane TV: Well folks, there you have it. A very jubilant set of Kingstonians celebrating Jamaica’s Tessanne Chin’s appearance on the Voice which they deem a very proud and eventful night for Jamaicans around the word. This has been Wendy reporting from Kingston. Thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright September 25, 2013
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
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PNP IMPOSED TAXES PROMPT PROTEST ON THE STREETS (Jamaican Sketch)
Boardlane TV: Good day to our viewers. Jamaicans are in an uproar over the recently announced tax package, which includes an inexplicable tax increase on consumer goods that will affect the poorest in the nation. Standing next to me is a mini-bus operator who is one of the hundreds of demonstrators here in the Papine area. Sir, tell us how this news will affect you.
Chucky: A madniss a gwaan inna di country lady. Fram di way mi look pan it, “Mama P” a cut in pan mi entatainment money. An I man naah stan fi dat!
Boardlane TV: What do you mean by “cutting into your entertainment? Explain.
Chucky: As a bus man, mi haffi ensure seh mi bus have aan some boss rims, have a big soun system an a fresh tint pan di window every mont. “Mama P” goh put aan neda tax pan di license plate dem an dat mean seh mi haffi goh chose between pay fi license an buy mi sub woofa!
Boardlane TV: Wait, wait…hold on a minute. I can see you being concerned about gas, insurance expenses and so on, but rims and stereo? What’s that about?
Chucky: How yuh mean? Nobaddy naah drive inna bus unless it a shock out an have high-powa speaka a blaze aff di roof. If mi noh have dat, money noh run. A nex man who have dem tings deh, get all di school girls an di shotta dem! Soh dem can tax license plate all dem waan, but if a di laas money mi have, di govament naah get a CENT!!! Mi preffa tek mi money goh a my lickle spot an goh buy wan new speaka! A soh di ting set.
Boardlane TV: So you are planning to be defiant? Is that it?
Chucky: (Looking confused) Defiant? Explain to mi what dat is nice lady. Mi noh what dat word mean, baby doll.
Judith: (Jumping in) Seet deh!! Dats why Portia fi tek aff di blastid tax pan school book an di dictionary cause dats why wi have soh much rahtid, dunce bat like dah bway yah inna di country!
Chucky: A who yuh a call dunce, ku-kum-kum? GWEY! Yuh lang an mawga an shape like dem blurtneet mop stick. Betta yuh goh nyam some tun cornmeal before yuh rib cage gash fiyah out yah. Goh sort out yuhself before yuh come chat to big man!
Judith: (Jumping in) For your information jancrow, Portia put tax pan carnmeal to, soh noh come chat to mi bout wah mi fi goh nyam. Brite!
Boardlane TV: (Stepping in between the two) OK,OK. Enough. Where did you get the idea that cornmeal is taxed, miss?
Judith: Hi…is what yuh tink is di main ingredient inna patty? IS CARNMEAL! Is dat give it dat yellow cola. (Roll eyes) Portia tink shi trixify, but mi know seh is nat patty alone di tax deh pan. Is every blinking lickle ting weh use fi mek patty get tax. Di beef, di cornmeal, di scotch bonnet peppa , onion an tyme – di tax tun up pan every blastid sinting inna di patty!
Puncy: (Weighing in) Portia wikid man. How shi fi tax di patty an noh tax di coco-bread? Is like seh shi a show wi seh a so-so coco bread wi fi nyam when wi cyaan fine money fi pay fi di patty! Dis is a national disgrace! Anytime poor people hungry, a patty wi defen. When wi cyaan buy a bax food, a patty wi defen! When bully beef scarce, a patty wi defen. Poor people a drown unda tax an dead fi hungry sed time. Merciful Faada Gad, why shi neva lef di patty alone an put di tax pan Roti…caah nohbaddy naah nyam dat blastid Trini nastiness!
Boardlane TV: I get you. Anybody in the crowd wants to address the tax on schools books?
Mavis: (Raising her hand) Yes lady! Mek mi seh sumting on dat cause a dat bun mi heart more dan anyting. Is five pickney mi have a goh a school an di book tax ago sen mi a poor house fi sure. “Mama P” yuh is wrang fi dat. Nat because yuh cannot jain up two good wod inna sentence, mek yuh a try backword fi wi pickney dem to. Poor people pickney have a right to dem school book free of tax soh dem noh haffi barrow dem wan aneda book fi study. Madam Simpson, you is teifing fram di pickney dem lunch money..cause is dat dem gwine to use to pay fi yuh slavery tax! Tek aff di book tax wi seh or else wi ago boom up Gordon House an run yuh out!
Boardlane TV: Thank you miss. With that, sir why are you here today in protest?
Vincent: Lady, mi seh mi false teet drap outta mi mout when mi hear seh tax gaan pan fowl feeden and hog feed. Is tirty years mi a raise chicken an hag an neva si dem breeda vampire tax pan feeden. Portia pramise Farmers govament subsidy fi help wi out an look weh shi a come wid now. All weh ago happen now is when mi fowl dem dead fi hungry, mi haffi goh tek dem feed di hag dem. Is 6 hog mi a raise fi sell an wan a dem a breed an shi always a look sinting fi nyam. If yuh noh mine sharp shi naym aff mi heel back when mi goh inna di pen. Now, how mi ago explain to dis ole swine seh mi cyaan afford di feeden fi gi har, eeh? Kiss mi neck bway.
Boardlane TV: That’s tough to hear. But please do not feed the chickens to the pigs. That’s not healthy.
Vincent: Poor people haffi fine a way fi live unda di pressa cooka lady. Wi live inna times now weh yuh cyaan fling out dead fowl gi dawg like wan time. Yuh haffi mek new invention fi survive, an if di hag dem noh mine nyam di dead fowl, den soh it haffi goh. If Portia waan put tax pan dead fowl to, dat a fi har bizness but a dat mi haffi goh tek mek hag feeden now.
Boardlane TV:Thank you all for sharing your views with Boardlane TV. It is clear that Portia Simpson’s attempts to cure the maladies in the economy by increasing taxes have outraged the citizens. Will poor folks enjoy Juicy beef Patties as they use to? Only time will tell. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Have a pleasant day.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright June 4th, 2012
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
Asafa Powell Speaks: Reaction to Yendi’s Pregnancy (Jamaican Sketch)
Good day to our Boardlane TV viewers, we apologize for breaking into today’s scheduled programming to bring you an impromptu press conference called by Asafa Powell. The Jamaican sprinter has felt the need to respond to the frenzy created by Yendi Philips’ announcement that she is now carrying Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor’s child. We are at the Pegasus hotel where various TV, Radio and Newspaper media are at the conference questioning Mister Powell.
Boardlane TV: Asafa, tell us how you heard the news that Yendi is expecting a child.
Asafa: ‘Ello an good day everybody. Give mi a moment please, let mi collect miself (Holding back tears). Fus ting fus. Mi is jus a shock as everybody. Wan a mi bredrin wake mi up dis marning an a tell mi Yendi announce pan Facebook seh shi buss a breed fi Chino. Mi tink a joke bizness im a run…but mi jump outta mi bed sed speed an goh check it out. Right pan Facebook to blurtnaught mi si Yendi belly wid five black, stumpy finga pan it! Yiye wata come a mi yeye sed time!
TVJ: Asafa, did you know that Daniel and your ex were a couple?
Asafa: Naah! Mi neva did a suspec seh Yendi a do di Gully creep. As a mata a fac, mi nat even did know seh mi lose di wok. Up to wah day mi clock in a do my time an now mi get fi fine out seh Chino a work pan di case full time plus tax!
Observer: Wait a minute, she says she is 17 weeks pregnant. Are you implying that up until 17 weeks ago you two were still considered an item?
Asafa: (Counting fingers) Mek a si now. Seventeen weeks ago…. minus today, dat is…ahhmm.. Help mi out wid dah wan yah… mi only faas pan di track, mi noh too faas pan Maths. How much days ago dat equal to boss?
Observer: Forget the question. Just tell us how you feel about the two getting together and now expecting a child.
Asafa: How mi feel? MI BEX! An mi a si RED an mi mad, sick inna mi head! Fus, Bolt beat mi fi di gole an now Chino come beat mi to di right hole! Naah man! Mi cyaan goh dung soh star! (sobbing) Mi did know seh sumting neva right enoh, caah mi cudden figga out how mi jus a fiyah bare blank shat soh?! A soh mi shoot.. a soh mi miss. A di wrang hole mi deh to blurtnaught!
Boardlane TV: Well, as you know Mister Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor is no rookie. He has fathered a child before so I guess he knows just the right temperature needed to bake the bread in the oven. Could it be that you are not able to get rid of your daemons and get to the finish line?
Asafa: What duppy have to do wid dis matta?! Di fact a di matta is, wi noh know if a jacket shi a pin pan im yet. Di jacket noh muss fit im caah mi a Polyester an im a Gabadine! Mi a A-Class and im a re-pass! Im cyaan reach my league, soh mi naah watch noh face.
RJR: So would you like a DNA test conducted when the child is born? Is that what you are getting at?
Asafa: No DNA necessary! Look pan my big nose for instance. Dat is a very strang gene weh a come fram my granfaada. All yuh haffi do a look pan di pickney nose and di farrid. If di baby barn wid im nose flare up like wan jack-ass, den a my yute dat. If im barn wid big farrid like di McGregor breed, den a Chino win di race by a buck farrid an a half.
TVJ: How will this affect your mental state in preparation for the 2012 Olympics?
Asafa: Mi ago tell mi coach seh mi have a very serious injury an mi cyaan run. Mi dun fi di year.
TVJ: You are injured?! Injury to what, may I ask?
Asafa: Mi a suffa fram bruise to mi ego. Yendi an har man mash mi carn an stampede pan mi balls. Dem a willy bounce all ova mi pride. Mi naah goh able fi function inna di race soh mi haffi pull out!
Boardlane TV: Mister Powell, aren’t you going to disappoint you fans by making the decision to pull out this early?
Asafa: (sobbing) Bway, mi noh know yaah man. Mi cyaan tink straight right now caah if mi neva pull out soh blastid quick when mi did deh pan di work, a woulda mi a hold up Yendi belly pan Facebook yah now. Mi gaan.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Asafa Powell is visible upset from this news event and has abruptly left the podium. As this story develops, we will try to bring you more. This is Wendy reporting for Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright April 23, 2012
Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It & A Soh It Goh!