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144 terrier dogs got an opportunity to migrate to Canada, making them Jamaica’s first to be placed through the international dog adoption program. The mongrels were taken via a chartered flight, heading to various homes. Just weeks after settling in a foreign land, two friends sat down with Oprah Winfrey for a shocking and exclusive interview. Below is the transcript of the interview:

OPRAH: Meganne and Harley, thank for being here. You both agreed to sit down with me for a revealing interview about your lives in Jamaica and what led you to offer yourselves up for adoption. Let’s begin there. What made you dogs want to leave such a paradise, Jamaica?

MEGANNE: Miss Oprah, juss look pan wi an si how wi stay! Look how wi look old an sickly like disease tek wi up. An before yuh ask… NO! Wi noh gat Covid. Wi jus noh tan good fi wi age.

OPRAH: (Nods) Yes, you do look sorta old and weak. What gives?

MEGANNE: (Barks) LACK A FOOD! Before mi and Harley get inna di shelta, di lady weh wi did live wid neva eva, eva, eva gi wi a good meal yet fram di day wi bawn! Bare bun-bun fram di pot battom an stale food wid maggot pan it!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

HARLEY: A troo ting shi a talk Oprah. Yuh si all when mi nyam di stale food… mi belly cut mi like razor and when mi dee-dee up di place, di ooman tek har size 12 hoof an gi mi wan B!TCH kick inna mi gut side! More time mi fly troo di yaad fence!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

HARLEY: Aaa sah!  Mis Oprah, it was a blessed day di shelta come pick wi up or else wi woulda dead fi hungry! Di way how di bone dem inna mi rib cage rub teggeda, mi skin all start gash fire to blurtnaught! (SMH) Life did ruff, mi naah lie.    

OPRAH: (SMH): Hmmnn, Hmnnn! That sounds cruel and awful. So tell me about the people of Jamaica in general. I have been to Jamaica and the people are the most friendly and welcoming people in the world.

MEGANNE: (Laughs) Heh heya! Mi noh know bout noh friendly Jamaican. Neva meet dem yet! Dem people dung deh treat daag like dem a secan class citizen!

OPRAH (Raised Brow): Elaborate, please.

MEGANNE: (Cross legs) Well Oprah, mek I tell yuh story. Wan day mi a walk paas wan lady name, Miss Erva, house an shi did a kill fowl di day. Mi sight wan fat fowl leg lay dung pan peica zinc. Troo mi well hungry, mi run troo har gate an grab up di fowl leg dem an bolt. Yuh know seh di ooman wait til night when shi know seh mi a sleep an come a mi yaad come tek wan plywood an buss mi @ss ova di lilly fowl meat!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

MEGANNE: (Vex) Mi shoulda bite up har boombeet scaly foot dem but troo dem soh tough an dry, mi neva badda. Mi neva waan bruck di wan good teet Gad put inna mi mout.

HARLEY: (Chimes in) Miss Oprah yuh noh hear nutten yet. (Pointing) Yuh si dah big, black mark yuh si pan mi farrid?

OPRAH: Yes. It looks terrible! What happened to you there?

HARLEY: Well, dis happen fram wan a dem “nice Jamaicans” yuh a talk bout. Wan night I man horny yuh sheg! Mi did a look fi a nice piece fi goh shell dung. Wan stoosh b!tch did live 2 door fram mi. Soh mi goh check har an gi har a wan talk. Yuh shoulda si how di two a wi a rub wi nose tiggeda an puddung some sloppy wet kiss.

MEGANNE: (Fanning) Lawd Harley… skip di foreplay an get to di point! Mi is a daag inna heat yah now.

HARLEY: (Eyes wide open) Meg, shet up yuh leg dem! Yuh chun-chun deh pan red alert in front a Miss Oprah. A wah do yuh ooman?! (Continues) Anyway, as I was saying. Fi cut a lang story shart, mi an di gyal goh a di side a di house an pudding some daggy-style, lizzad lap, wheel barrow, Six tirty…mi did a kill har wid it, zeen! Dolly house mash up when har owna come round di carna an tek a big stone and klaat mi straight inna mi head! When mi come to …a pan wan road banking mi wake up inna wan pile a dankey dee-dee!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

MEGANNE: Yuh tink dem nice to wi dung deh?! Mi is not a church going daag but mi have to give tanks to Gad Almighty fi show mercy soh wi can get wi Visa fi come a Canada.

OPRAH: You poor souls must be relieved. So how is life in your new home Meganne?

MEGANNE: (In a soft tone) Yuh mean “the Firm?”

OPRAH: (Curious) What do you mean by “the firm”? Is it bad there too?

MEGANNE: Well it noh too bad compared to what mi used to. But wan day mi owner gimmie some chicken soup inna wan silva bowl full to di brim! 

OPRAH: (Smiles) Aaaww…Well that’s nice.

MEGANNE: (Roll eyes) Nice mi backfoot! Di bloody soup nat evan have WAN flowa dumplin in deh! Bare so-so carrot an sinting name celery a swim inna di wata-dung soup. A which devil worshiper tell dese people seh yaad daag nyam carrot and celery, eeh?!

HARLEY: (Shocked): SEH WAH?! NO FLOWA DUMPLIN?! Dat is a sin before Jesas an im ten disciples!

OPRAH: Jesus had 12 disciples, Harley. Not ten. Anyway, how is your place, Harley? Are you comfortable? Is it like a “firm” too?

HARLEY: Everything good, enoh. Di only complain mi have a when mi new owna bark affa mi bout mi a run up dem phone bill. All mi a tell di lady seh mi have 13 baby modda mi haffi mine an dem a call I-man all troo di day a beg money since mi get di Visa, shi still noh get it (KMT).

OPRAH: (Raised Brow) I’d say you were one wild dog in Jamaica. 13?! Oh My Gosh! Anyway, one last question for you two. Despite all the challenges of living on the island, is there anything you miss about Jamaica that you can’t do in Canada? Meg, you first.

MEGANNE: Well, if mi ago bi trootful, mi miss di warm sunshine an di fact dat mi coulda walk a road. Up yah mi cyaan walk road unless smaddy have mi pan leash an a tag along behine mi. I HATE DAT YUH SI! Sometime mi waan leggo a big fawt but troo di ooman behine mi mi haffi let it goh lickle by lickle.   

HARLEY: (Nods in agreement): Yes, mi definitely miss di sunshine to an di ability to pup freely. Mi also miss di days when mi use to chase cyaar an bicycle, zeen. Mi cyaan do dat a Canada caah dem have too much rules an regulations. If mi eva try dat up yah, Babylon goodly write mi a ticket an all dem sheggries deh! An next ting govament DIP mi black backside back a country.

OPRAH: (Smiles) Well, Meganne and Harley, thank you for chatting with me. I have certainly learned more about your life as it was in Jamaica and I wish you both the best in your new lives.  

HARLEY: (Dap fist) Kool noh, sistren. One Love!

MEGANNE: (Flirts) Oprah, mi like yuh wig. Beg yuh it noh!

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 21, 2021

Jamaican Comedy Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

A Soh Life Goh

DEBATE YAAD FLY SPEAKS – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

Midway through the vice-presidential debate on Wednesday night, an unnamed fly touched down on Vice President Pence’s snow white hair for more than two minutes. The jarring black insect couldn’t be ignored by millions of viewers watching the event from home. Alas, there was no word from the fly as it left the stage. The infamous fly called in to Boardlane TV today, insisting he wanted to clear up some things and to set the record straight. 

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon sir. Thanks for calling into our TV station. Can you let our viewers know your name and who you are?

FlyAwaahe:‘Ello massive out dere! I man birt name is FlyAwaahe...surname is Peter. Mi have a twin bredda an im name FlyAwaahe Paul. Soh more time when people si di two a wi tigedda, dem start sing: “Fly away Peter, Fly away Paul. Come back Peter come back Paul." An dem wi pop up big laugh.

Boardlane TV: Oookaay! Sounds interesting.

FlyAwaahe: Ghetto people joke ting sistren. Dat fly ova yuh head- literally. Anyway, mi waan get down to bizness an explain miself caah all of a sudden mi tun instant celebrity an mi neva audition fi ‘Rising Star’ pan TVJ.

Boardlane TV: (smiles) Yes. Let’s talk about that. So you made an entrance at the VP debate atop Mike Pence’s head. The whole world wants to know how the hell that happened!

FlyAwaahe: Ahrite, hear how it goh dung di night. Whole day mi neva nyam nutten an hungry did a tear mi up. Mi lef mi yaad fi goh look a food. Mi a fly roun inna dis stoosh place an mi site sinting white inna di room. Sistren, mi swear seh a mash pitata mi si. Soh mi set soh - zoops! An a soh mi get fi pitch inna di man head.     

Boardlane TV: So, once you landed, did you realize it wasn’t mash potato because you sure sat there for a while.

FlyAwaahe: Yow! Trus mi… mi did bex bad seh anoh food but di reason why mi did up deh soh long a cause as yuh know, we flies attracted to shit in all forms— wedda dead shit, bullshit, horseshit, dipshit or dee-dee shit–  wi up all inna it! I man was inna stink-high heaven!

Boardlane TV (Laughs): Wow. So how are you dealing with your new found celebrity? 

FlyAwaahe: Sistren, mi noh mind di celebrity status enoh caah more time people noh like fly an dem deal wid wi nasty an wikid! Moas time people si wi, di fuss ting dem do is try kill wi wid all sorta tinking spray. Di only place wi can live inna peace a inna hog b@ttyhole! But anyway... tanks to mi TV debut, it look like mi can get protection if mi get wan manager an wan agent now.

Boardlane TV: What on earth would you need an agent and manager for? This could very well be short-lived and you have to go back to being everybody’s pest.

FlyAwaahe: (frowns) Yuh mad! Mi naah goh back to dem type a living a bombawt! Mi a set fi try out fi di main star bway inna “The Lord of the Flies” and mi waan know who ago play mi pan Saturday Night Live. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: You are quite the ambitious fly indeed. Some are calling you a rogue housefly. Is that how you see yourself?

FlyAwaahe: (KMT) Haters gonna hate. Nutten noh rogue bout mi. A food mi did a look di night an en up inna di man head weh stink like chink! Mi all hear some people a call mi “Deep state bug.” Dem noh have nutten fi hat dem. 

Boardlane TV: Switching topics. As you know we are living in the midst of a pandemic. Are you in fear of being exposed to the Coronavirus since you were so up close and personal with the VP?  

FlyAwaahe: Yow.. Covid anoh my worries yah now enoh sistren. Afta mi lef di place a peica runny belly tek mi yuh si! SASCRISE! Mi noh know a weh di r@ss mi pick up inna dat man head but mi feel seh mi have Dengue feva. 

Boardlane TV: (Grins) Well, you would be the first fly ever to pick up a stomach virus. Speaking of the VP. Are you up to date with politics? If so, do you have a favorite in the race?

FlyAwaahe: Bun a fiyah pan politrix! But since as mi fine miself inna di miggle a dis election circus, mi ago just seh wan ting. If dat nice, tall hair lady weh did deh pan di stage waan link mi... mi noh have a parblem fi fly wid har fi 2024.

Boardlane TV: You mean ‘run”- right?  You run with a candidate. 

FlyAwaahe: Run? (Roll eyes) Mi look like smaddy weh can run to yuh misses? Yuh have sense? But fi real dowe.. mi can seet now. It gwine to be bess election slogan eva – FLYAWAAHE/HARRIS 2024. Tell mi seh dat noh shot!

Boardlane TV: Yeah.. that’s kinda fly. (Laughs). I want to thank you mister FlyAwaahe Peter for speaking to us and giving us all a little window into who you are. Please stay safe out there and we wish you much success. 

FlyAwaahe: Tank yuh sweetheart. An mi is a man weh know how fi dodge fly swatter.. soh from now aan mi ago mek sure dodge white man head weh fulla chink!

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  Oct 8, 2020
Books by the author:
"A Soh Wi Do It!"
"A Soh It Goh!"
"A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
"A Soh Life Goh”

Kamala is Joe Biden’s running mate – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

Presidential candidate Joe Biden announced his choice of Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate, making her the first Black woman and the first person of Jamaican and Indian descent to be nominated for national office by a major party. Today, Boardlane TV is on location in a large Jamaican community in West Palm Beach, Florida to get reactions from Jamaicans on the street.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, sir. You are live on TV. We want to know how do you feel about Kamala Harris being America’s first potential black VP?

Desmond: To tell yuh di troot mi proud seh a fellow yaadie get di VP pick enoh. But as yuh dun know, Jamaicans will endorse anyting Jamaican – a coulda wan toe nail! Mi jus hope shi wear wan a dem plaid bandana skirt and tie up har head wid di flag a di convention fi big up wi culture. An from now on… State dinna haffi have jerk fowl and nuff Red stripe. A soh di ting set!

Boardlane TV: (smile) Good thoughts. Thank you. How about you miss? How do you feel about this pick, given that she is of Jamaican descent?

Carmen: (Cheering) Browns Town St. Ann to be exact! BRAP, BRAP!! Jamaica to the worlllll!! Issa good look. Yeah! Since wi cyaan get ridda di blasted Covid inna Florida, might as well wi get some good news fi a change. PAMELA TO DI WORRRLL wi seh!!!!!

Boardlane TV: (interrupting) Actually her name is “Kamala”

Carmen: (KMT) Lady, Kamala …Pamela …same difference! Shi a wan a wi! Wi noh watch name.

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Ok, let me get to another by-stander. Sir we are asking about the news that Joe Biden picked Mrs. Harris for VP. What do you think about that?

Gerry: Sistren, troo mi is a man weh love my Sunday rice and peas, mi was rooting fi di Rice lady enoh but Kamala is not a bad pick still. Shi tough like rackstone an it look like if yuh noh mine sharp shi wi tell Pence bout im klaat an mek im bawl feem mumma. Biden can put di Rice lady as secretary of di State of di Union.

Boardlane TV: (confused) Say what now? Secretary of the what?

Gerry: Of di State of di Union, mam. Shi woulda do good deh soh. Mi firmly believe dat!

Boardlane TV: Alright then. There is no such post but thanks for your comments, anyway. Let’s hear from you young man. What’s your take on the VP pick just announced?

Spoogy: Let mi speak to di current VP. (Clears throat) Mike Pence… COME GWOPE! Yuh days numbered bredrin! Kamala ago wipe di floor wid yuh bombawt top lip an sink yuh balls wid har 5 inch pike heel boot. Rasta, yuh noh waan face aff wid dis yah killa spider name Kamala. (Laughing) RUN PENCE!! DITCH PUTIN B!TCH AN RUN FI YUH LIFE!!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Very funny sir. Thanks for chatting with us. Let’s get in one more comment. Miss, can give our viewers your true feelings about the Biden/Harris ticket?

Dorris: Lady, mi soh glad Biden kill two bud wid wan stone – im pick a woman an shi black. Mi did a set feem backside if im neva do dat yuh si … caah as yuh well know, a promise is nutten but a comfat to a blastid fool!

Boardlane TV: You didn’t trust that he would pick a woman as he stated?

Dorris: NO SAH! Yuh know how dem can mek pramise an den dem tun round pull di wool ova yuh yiye. Wos like how mi did have a dream seh im did pick Bernie Sanders an di two a dem ketch a big stroke right before the convention an wi neva have a soul fi run gainst Trump. Mi jump outta mi sleep same time. Lady, like how fi mi heart weak… dat dream siddung pan mi head fi days! Mi noh tap fret yuh sheg!

Boardlane TV: Wow! That sounds like a heck of a nightmare. So there you have it folks. You heard it from the people on the streets. Seems to be a lot of enthusiasm around Harris as a potential VP. It’s now on to the battle for the White house. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright June 12, 2020

Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
 “A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
“A Soh Life Goh”