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DEBATE YAAD FLY SPEAKS – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

Midway through the vice-presidential debate on Wednesday night, an unnamed fly touched down on Vice President Pence’s snow white hair for more than two minutes. The jarring black insect couldn’t be ignored by millions of viewers watching the event from home. Alas, there was no word from the fly as it left the stage. The infamous fly called in to Boardlane TV today, insisting he wanted to clear up some things and to set the record straight. 

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon sir. Thanks for calling into our TV station. Can you let our viewers know your name and who you are?

FlyAwaahe:‘Ello massive out dere! I man birt name is FlyAwaahe...surname is Peter. Mi have a twin bredda an im name FlyAwaahe Paul. Soh more time when people si di two a wi tigedda, dem start sing: “Fly away Peter, Fly away Paul. Come back Peter come back Paul." An dem wi pop up big laugh.

Boardlane TV: Oookaay! Sounds interesting.

FlyAwaahe: Ghetto people joke ting sistren. Dat fly ova yuh head- literally. Anyway, mi waan get down to bizness an explain miself caah all of a sudden mi tun instant celebrity an mi neva audition fi ‘Rising Star’ pan TVJ.

Boardlane TV: (smiles) Yes. Let’s talk about that. So you made an entrance at the VP debate atop Mike Pence’s head. The whole world wants to know how the hell that happened!

FlyAwaahe: Ahrite, hear how it goh dung di night. Whole day mi neva nyam nutten an hungry did a tear mi up. Mi lef mi yaad fi goh look a food. Mi a fly roun inna dis stoosh place an mi site sinting white inna di room. Sistren, mi swear seh a mash pitata mi si. Soh mi set soh - zoops! An a soh mi get fi pitch inna di man head.     

Boardlane TV: So, once you landed, did you realize it wasn’t mash potato because you sure sat there for a while.

FlyAwaahe: Yow! Trus mi… mi did bex bad seh anoh food but di reason why mi did up deh soh long a cause as yuh know, we flies attracted to shit in all forms— wedda dead shit, bullshit, horseshit, dipshit or dee-dee shit–  wi up all inna it! I man was inna stink-high heaven!

Boardlane TV (Laughs): Wow. So how are you dealing with your new found celebrity? 

FlyAwaahe: Sistren, mi noh mind di celebrity status enoh caah more time people noh like fly an dem deal wid wi nasty an wikid! Moas time people si wi, di fuss ting dem do is try kill wi wid all sorta tinking spray. Di only place wi can live inna peace a inna hog b@ttyhole! But anyway... tanks to mi TV debut, it look like mi can get protection if mi get wan manager an wan agent now.

Boardlane TV: What on earth would you need an agent and manager for? This could very well be short-lived and you have to go back to being everybody’s pest.

FlyAwaahe: (frowns) Yuh mad! Mi naah goh back to dem type a living a bombawt! Mi a set fi try out fi di main star bway inna “The Lord of the Flies” and mi waan know who ago play mi pan Saturday Night Live. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: You are quite the ambitious fly indeed. Some are calling you a rogue housefly. Is that how you see yourself?

FlyAwaahe: (KMT) Haters gonna hate. Nutten noh rogue bout mi. A food mi did a look di night an en up inna di man head weh stink like chink! Mi all hear some people a call mi “Deep state bug.” Dem noh have nutten fi hat dem. 

Boardlane TV: Switching topics. As you know we are living in the midst of a pandemic. Are you in fear of being exposed to the Coronavirus since you were so up close and personal with the VP?  

FlyAwaahe: Yow.. Covid anoh my worries yah now enoh sistren. Afta mi lef di place a peica runny belly tek mi yuh si! SASCRISE! Mi noh know a weh di r@ss mi pick up inna dat man head but mi feel seh mi have Dengue feva. 

Boardlane TV: (Grins) Well, you would be the first fly ever to pick up a stomach virus. Speaking of the VP. Are you up to date with politics? If so, do you have a favorite in the race?

FlyAwaahe: Bun a fiyah pan politrix! But since as mi fine miself inna di miggle a dis election circus, mi ago just seh wan ting. If dat nice, tall hair lady weh did deh pan di stage waan link mi... mi noh have a parblem fi fly wid har fi 2024.

Boardlane TV: You mean ‘run”- right?  You run with a candidate. 

FlyAwaahe: Run? (Roll eyes) Mi look like smaddy weh can run to yuh misses? Yuh have sense? But fi real dowe.. mi can seet now. It gwine to be bess election slogan eva – FLYAWAAHE/HARRIS 2024. Tell mi seh dat noh shot!

Boardlane TV: Yeah.. that’s kinda fly. (Laughs). I want to thank you mister FlyAwaahe Peter for speaking to us and giving us all a little window into who you are. Please stay safe out there and we wish you much success. 

FlyAwaahe: Tank yuh sweetheart. An mi is a man weh know how fi dodge fly swatter.. soh from now aan mi ago mek sure dodge white man head weh fulla chink!

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  Oct 8, 2020
Books by the author:
"A Soh Wi Do It!"
"A Soh It Goh!"
"A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
"A Soh Life Goh”

Kamala is Joe Biden’s running mate – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

Presidential candidate Joe Biden announced his choice of Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate, making her the first Black woman and the first person of Jamaican and Indian descent to be nominated for national office by a major party. Today, Boardlane TV is on location in a large Jamaican community in West Palm Beach, Florida to get reactions from Jamaicans on the street.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, sir. You are live on TV. We want to know how do you feel about Kamala Harris being America’s first potential black VP?

Desmond: To tell yuh di troot mi proud seh a fellow yaadie get di VP pick enoh. But as yuh dun know, Jamaicans will endorse anyting Jamaican – a coulda wan toe nail! Mi jus hope shi wear wan a dem plaid bandana skirt and tie up har head wid di flag a di convention fi big up wi culture. An from now on… State dinna haffi have jerk fowl and nuff Red stripe. A soh di ting set!

Boardlane TV: (smile) Good thoughts. Thank you. How about you miss? How do you feel about this pick, given that she is of Jamaican descent?

Carmen: (Cheering) Browns Town St. Ann to be exact! BRAP, BRAP!! Jamaica to the worlllll!! Issa good look. Yeah! Since wi cyaan get ridda di blasted Covid inna Florida, might as well wi get some good news fi a change. PAMELA TO DI WORRRLL wi seh!!!!!

Boardlane TV: (interrupting) Actually her name is “Kamala”

Carmen: (KMT) Lady, Kamala …Pamela …same difference! Shi a wan a wi! Wi noh watch name.

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Ok, let me get to another by-stander. Sir we are asking about the news that Joe Biden picked Mrs. Harris for VP. What do you think about that?

Gerry: Sistren, troo mi is a man weh love my Sunday rice and peas, mi was rooting fi di Rice lady enoh but Kamala is not a bad pick still. Shi tough like rackstone an it look like if yuh noh mine sharp shi wi tell Pence bout im klaat an mek im bawl feem mumma. Biden can put di Rice lady as secretary of di State of di Union.

Boardlane TV: (confused) Say what now? Secretary of the what?

Gerry: Of di State of di Union, mam. Shi woulda do good deh soh. Mi firmly believe dat!

Boardlane TV: Alright then. There is no such post but thanks for your comments, anyway. Let’s hear from you young man. What’s your take on the VP pick just announced?

Spoogy: Let mi speak to di current VP. (Clears throat) Mike Pence… COME GWOPE! Yuh days numbered bredrin! Kamala ago wipe di floor wid yuh bombawt top lip an sink yuh balls wid har 5 inch pike heel boot. Rasta, yuh noh waan face aff wid dis yah killa spider name Kamala. (Laughing) RUN PENCE!! DITCH PUTIN B!TCH AN RUN FI YUH LIFE!!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Very funny sir. Thanks for chatting with us. Let’s get in one more comment. Miss, can give our viewers your true feelings about the Biden/Harris ticket?

Dorris: Lady, mi soh glad Biden kill two bud wid wan stone – im pick a woman an shi black. Mi did a set feem backside if im neva do dat yuh si … caah as yuh well know, a promise is nutten but a comfat to a blastid fool!

Boardlane TV: You didn’t trust that he would pick a woman as he stated?

Dorris: NO SAH! Yuh know how dem can mek pramise an den dem tun round pull di wool ova yuh yiye. Wos like how mi did have a dream seh im did pick Bernie Sanders an di two a dem ketch a big stroke right before the convention an wi neva have a soul fi run gainst Trump. Mi jump outta mi sleep same time. Lady, like how fi mi heart weak… dat dream siddung pan mi head fi days! Mi noh tap fret yuh sheg!

Boardlane TV: Wow! That sounds like a heck of a nightmare. So there you have it folks. You heard it from the people on the streets. Seems to be a lot of enthusiasm around Harris as a potential VP. It’s now on to the battle for the White house. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright June 12, 2020

Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
 “A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
“A Soh Life Goh”