Boardlane TV: Good day to our viewers. Jamaicans are in an uproar over the recently announced tax package, which includes an inexplicable tax increase on consumer goods that will affect the poorest in the nation. Standing next to me is a mini-bus operator who is one of the hundreds of demonstrators here in the Papine area. Sir, tell us how this news will affect you.
Chucky: A madniss a gwaan inna di country lady. Fram di way mi look pan it, “Mama P” a cut in pan mi entatainment money. An I man naah stan fi dat!
Boardlane TV: What do you mean by “cutting into your entertainment? Explain.
Chucky: As a bus man, mi haffi ensure seh mi bus have aan some boss rims, have a big soun system an a fresh tint pan di window every mont. “Mama P” goh put aan neda tax pan di license plate dem an dat mean seh mi haffi goh chose between pay fi license an buy mi sub woofa!
Boardlane TV: Wait, wait…hold on a minute. I can see you being concerned about gas, insurance expenses and so on, but rims and stereo? What’s that about?
Chucky: How yuh mean? Nobaddy naah drive inna bus unless it a shock out an have high-powa speaka a blaze aff di roof. If mi noh have dat, money noh run. A nex man who have dem tings deh, get all di school girls an di shotta dem! Soh dem can tax license plate all dem waan, but if a di laas money mi have, di govament naah get a CENT!!! Mi preffa tek mi money goh a my lickle spot an goh buy wan new speaka! A soh di ting set.
Boardlane TV: So you are planning to be defiant? Is that it?
Chucky: (Looking confused) Defiant? Explain to mi what dat is nice lady. Mi noh what dat word mean, baby doll.
Judith: (Jumping in) Seet deh!! Dats why Portia fi tek aff di blastid tax pan school book an di dictionary cause dats why wi have soh much rahtid, dunce bat like dah bway yah inna di country!
Chucky: A who yuh a call dunce, ku-kum-kum? GWEY! Yuh lang an mawga an shape like dem blurtneet mop stick. Betta yuh goh nyam some tun cornmeal before yuh rib cage gash fiyah out yah. Goh sort out yuhself before yuh come chat to big man!
Judith: (Jumping in) For your information jancrow, Portia put tax pan carnmeal to, soh noh come chat to mi bout wah mi fi goh nyam. Brite!
Boardlane TV: (Stepping in between the two) OK,OK. Enough. Where did you get the idea that cornmeal is taxed, miss?
Judith: Hi…is what yuh tink is di main ingredient inna patty? IS CARNMEAL! Is dat give it dat yellow cola. (Roll eyes) Portia tink shi trixify, but mi know seh is nat patty alone di tax deh pan. Is every blinking lickle ting weh use fi mek patty get tax. Di beef, di cornmeal, di scotch bonnet peppa , onion an tyme – di tax tun up pan every blastid sinting inna di patty!
Puncy: (Weighing in) Portia wikid man. How shi fi tax di patty an noh tax di coco-bread? Is like seh shi a show wi seh a so-so coco bread wi fi nyam when wi cyaan fine money fi pay fi di patty! Dis is a national disgrace! Anytime poor people hungry, a patty wi defen. When wi cyaan buy a bax food, a patty wi defen! When bully beef scarce, a patty wi defen. Poor people a drown unda tax an dead fi hungry sed time. Merciful Faada Gad, why shi neva lef di patty alone an put di tax pan Roti…caah nohbaddy naah nyam dat blastid Trini nastiness!
Boardlane TV: I get you. Anybody in the crowd wants to address the tax on schools books?
Mavis: (Raising her hand) Yes lady! Mek mi seh sumting on dat cause a dat bun mi heart more dan anyting. Is five pickney mi have a goh a school an di book tax ago sen mi a poor house fi sure. “Mama P” yuh is wrang fi dat. Nat because yuh cannot jain up two good wod inna sentence, mek yuh a try backword fi wi pickney dem to. Poor people pickney have a right to dem school book free of tax soh dem noh haffi barrow dem wan aneda book fi study. Madam Simpson, you is teifing fram di pickney dem lunch money..cause is dat dem gwine to use to pay fi yuh slavery tax! Tek aff di book tax wi seh or else wi ago boom up Gordon House an run yuh out!
Boardlane TV: Thank you miss. With that, sir why are you here today in protest?
Vincent: Lady, mi seh mi false teet drap outta mi mout when mi hear seh tax gaan pan fowl feeden and hog feed. Is tirty years mi a raise chicken an hag an neva si dem breeda vampire tax pan feeden. Portia pramise Farmers govament subsidy fi help wi out an look weh shi a come wid now. All weh ago happen now is when mi fowl dem dead fi hungry, mi haffi goh tek dem feed di hag dem. Is 6 hog mi a raise fi sell an wan a dem a breed an shi always a look sinting fi nyam. If yuh noh mine sharp shi naym aff mi heel back when mi goh inna di pen. Now, how mi ago explain to dis ole swine seh mi cyaan afford di feeden fi gi har, eeh? Kiss mi neck bway.
Boardlane TV: That’s tough to hear. But please do not feed the chickens to the pigs. That’s not healthy.
Vincent: Poor people haffi fine a way fi live unda di pressa cooka lady. Wi live inna times now weh yuh cyaan fling out dead fowl gi dawg like wan time. Yuh haffi mek new invention fi survive, an if di hag dem noh mine nyam di dead fowl, den soh it haffi goh. If Portia waan put tax pan dead fowl to, dat a fi har bizness but a dat mi haffi goh tek mek hag feeden now.
Boardlane TV:Thank you all for sharing your views with Boardlane TV. It is clear that Portia Simpson’s attempts to cure the maladies in the economy by increasing taxes have outraged the citizens. Will poor folks enjoy Juicy beef Patties as they use to? Only time will tell. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Have a pleasant day.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright June 4th, 2012
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/