Tag Archives: Jokes

Tessanne Chin Wows The Voice: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)

Jamaicans woke up to a natural high after witnessing Reggae superstar, Tessanne Chin, dominated night two of The Voice’s  blind auditions. Tessanne, who really had the judges going all-in, sang “Try” by Pink. The Jamaican had all four judges turned around by the time she hit the song’s chorus. Today Boardlane TV gets reaction from Jamaicans in downtown, Kingston.

Boardlane TV: Good day everyone, I am here in downtown Kingston where there a few elated Jamaicans gathered in a corner store still reminiscing about their home town girl’s performance on NBC’s, The Voice. Let’s hear what some of them have to say. Miss, step over here and tell us how you feel this morning after that wonderful performance by Tessanne Chin?

Joan: (Fanning away tears) Oh my sweet Jesas! Lady, a proud a Tennessee so til mi baddy WEAK!….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Her name is Tess-anne. Not “Tennessee” …that is the name of a State in the US.

Joan: Oh sarry! Dats why dem chiney people fi gi dem pickney name weh black people can pronounce, enoh. Cho! Ah-rite, soh what I were saying was dat Miss Tennessee gi dem a peica show deh! Mi seh, when di girl touch pan di fuss note mi jump up in spirit sed time. Den yuh si when di fuss chair tun roun .. a pan di grung mi deh wid asthma attack to fawt! Is mi son haffi carry mi ventilator sinting soh mi coulda breade again. Wooiiii! Excitement come ova mi dat mi nearly dead to rahtid! Tennessee, yuh sell aff, my girl!

Boardlane TV: Very nice…although you are still calling her “Tennessee.” Moving on. You Sir, was this a moment of pride and joy for you as it seems for everyone?

Graig: Den noh muss man! Bway, Jamaica really did need dis fi liff up wi spirit. Wi did a cry fi somting fi jubilate ova, caah si di blastid Reggae Boyz dem goh pan world stage goh put wi to shame wah day. Dah sinting still bun mi til dis day!  But Miss Tess really tun up har ting loud pan di stage an mek wi can HICE UP di black, green, and gold once more. Wi well prouda har bad!

Boardlane TV: Well done, sir. Thanks. Hi there, come and have a chat with me. Did you see the performance and what do you think of it?

Icilyn: Dat lickle gyal pickney did granny heart proud but shi have to be very, very careful what shi talk out of har mout mek certain people hear.

Boardlane TV: (Confused) Come again. What do you mean by that, madam?

Icilyn:  What I mean is, when Portia Simpson goh hear seh har singing is har Bread an Butta, shi naah goh do nutten but put aan more tax pan bread an butta. All Portia waan know is, if sinting a mek smaddy eat a food, it fi get tax an mi cyaan afford fi tax raise pan bread and butta caah dats all mi nyam a day time soh mi noh dead fi hungry.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckling) OK, madam. I hear you. Thank you for that Candid remark. Young miss, do you have anything else to add?

Rachel:  (Holding the Mike) Yes, I would like to say to Tessa dat di whole a wi back home pulling for you shuga plum-plum. Wi also very happy dat yuh pick Adam an nat dat Country half-ediat name, Blake. How im fi ask di girl if she has ever been to Jamaica? Noh yah shi barn an grow?! Mi seh some people ignorant and dunce yuh si man! (Kiss teet) Well, im an im bow foot can nobaddy tink im a win dis again caah it ago bi Adam an Tess TO DI WOORLLLLLL!! Jamaicans seh soh!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Well, we have just enough time for one more remark. Miss in the white blouse, come on over. Give us your feedback on the performance?

Bubbles: (Excited) Wooiiieee! Mi seh Missa Chin was di highlight a di night fi mi. Im jus goh pan di farrin TV an demand dat Tessa SHUT DEM DUNG BABY! Missa Chin noh tap jump up an prance like bull frag roun a back deh. But Lady, mi is a artical, rude gyal fram Vineyard Town an mi noh usually bawl fi much…but yuh si when Missa Chin start halla an seh, “Lawd mi lickle baby!” .. a buss out some cow bawling inna di place til all yeye wata soak mi ti-ti dem. Wi prouda all dem – dung to di puppa! Gad know!

Boardlane TV: Do you think she can win the competition?

Bubbles: Lady, dat is a very foo-fool questian! Anyting di yaadie dem inna wi haffi tek di Gold! Only di lickle football a gi wi trubble but a troo dem bway deh a play wid two lef foot. Tessanne Chin a tek dis ting to dem! Nobaddy cyaan compare!

Boardlane TV:  Well folks, there you have it. A very jubilant set of Kingstonians celebrating Jamaica’s Tessanne Chin’s appearance on the Voice which they deem a very proud and eventful night for Jamaicans around the word. This has been Wendy reporting from Kingston. Thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  September 25, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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LIVE BROADCAST: A RASTA TO MARRY JOHN BOEHNER’ DAUGHTER – Reactions from the streets

Boardlane TV has learned that House Speaker John Boehner’s 35 year old daughter, Lindsay Boehner, is set to marry Jamaican-born Rastafarian, Dominic Lakhan. Reports are that Speaker Boehner is not happy about his daughter’s choice for a fiancée. But how do Jamaicans feel about this union? Boardlane TV took to the streets to gauge reactions.

 
Boardlane TV: Excuse me sir. I am looking for some opinions on a story we are following. The Speaker of the house is about to be the father-in-law of a Jamaican Rastafarian. What do you think about that?

Ruddy:  SEH WAH?! Mi noh know a who dem  enoh, sistren. Yuh have a pictra fi show mi?

Boardlane TV: Sure! (Showing him photos) This is a photo of the Boehner family and this is the photo of her Jamaican fiancée. As you can see, he is clearly a Rasta.

Ruddy: Kiss mi neck! (Singing) Guess who’s coming to dinna…Natty Dreadlocks!  Bway, di bo-bo dread ago create inta-racial HISTORY to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Why do you say that? There have been many Dreads who have dated Caucasian women before. This isn’t new.

Ruddy: Look yah man…di puppa orange and di  gyal look orange to. Dem  deh people noh white!  Im ago bi di fus Ras fi marrid inna orange family. (Laughing hard) If dem eva have any pickney, dem a goh have color like carrot an pumpkin. Wooiiiii!!

Boardlane TV: Fair enough. Thanks for your comments, sir.  Now you Mister, do you have an opinion on the relationship between Speaker Boehner’s daughter and the Jamaican Rasta?

Kirk: (Shaking his head)  Weh mi waan fi know is how dis Dread tek up imself an gaan mix up imself wid poli-trikcian pickney. Mi a bun a fiyah caah Boehner is a man weh nat even waan legalize di herb much less fi have weed head inna im family. Mek im tan deh til  Boehner  get a immigration man fi dip im blousecut back a yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s interesting but maybe the relationship is a real and genuine one. What do you think about that?

Kirk: (Kissteet) REAL?!! Di dread nat even real to brown daaag. Di man all a nyam Sausage McMuffin fram MacDonald’s an a drink diet Coke! Everyting bout dis ting circumspect. Mi naah feel dah wan yah a-tall, Jah know!

Boardlane TV: LOL. Thanks for your candid remarks sir. Let me get another opinion from this lady.  You look disturbed. What do you have to say about this relationship?

Miss Delcy: Yuh know something noh smell right wid dis ting yah.

Boardlane TV: Why do you say so, miss?

Miss Delcy: Mi is a very old woman but mi have plenty wisdom inna mi head. How comes dis rasta bway penetrate disyah big family soh easy an im anoh smaddy important?  Mi mine tell mi sey is Portia Simpson set up di bway fi fren up dis gyal fi get favors fram di US govament.

Boardlane TV: I am lost. What are you talking about?

Miss Delcy: Portia a tek time mash up Jamaica an a run it inna bankruptcy. Shi plant dis Rasta inna di govament fi im fi try get farrin aid fi help bail har out of har worries. An shi prably set im up fi beg Boehner fi gi Jamaica a bly fi sell ganja to di US fi lickle an nutten. Mi have a clear vision pan wah a gwaan. Dis is a undacova plan.

Lisa: (Intervenes) Lady, mi noh tink nat a bloody ting goh soh caah mi hear seh di bway did get lack up fi weed an Bona is a man weh a fight gainst di herb bad. Di Rasta bway start aff pan di wrang footing arredi. (Throws her hand in the air) Lawd Gad have His Mercy an like how  Bona soh dyam bawly, bawly…a now im ago bawl.

Boardlane TV:  His name is “Boehner”, pronounced “Bay-ner,” not “Boner.”

Lisa: Well a “Bona” mi call im caah im is a blasted bone head! An come een like di dawta is a bone head to caah weh shi a do wid a rasta man? Shi noh know seh dem noh partake inna powk nyamings? Di whole a di Bona dem come fram Ohio an mi know fi a fact seh dem grow roun nuff Hag Farm inna dah State deh.

Boardlane TV: Really? I didn’t draw that connection with the State of Ohio and pigs.

Lisa: Yes missis. Dem people deh nyam powk like it ago goh outta style. Di hag dem inna Ohio even have dem own Twitter account to how dem popular. But mi noh bizness wid dem. Mi have bigga tings pan my head but dat deh Rastaman betta study di runnings before im  get sheg an en up a live pan Hog farm wid Bona. Mi noh know how Tanksgiving dinna ago work out fi di dread!

Boardlane TV:  You learn something new every day. Thanks for talking with us. Well folks, it appears that the Jamaicans are skeptical of the sustenance of this intriguing relationship. This is Wendy reporting from the streets. No back to regular scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright 4/26/2013

Books by the Author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

 A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!