Portia Calls for an Election – Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

In front of thousands of a jubilant crowd of supporters, Prime Minister Portia Simpson announced that Thursday, February 25 is to be the next Election Day. As Jamaicans prepare to head to the polls, passions are rising on both sides of the political spectrum and Boardlane TV is on the streets of Kingston to get reactions from the people.

Boardlane TV: Hello out there! Jamaicans now know when they will go to the polls and I am here in the Half Way Tree Mall getting reactions from a group of people who are already chattering about the election. Let me start with you sir. What are your views of Portia’s chances to be re-elected?

Robert: To tell yuh di troot mi pray seh shi neva return. Is time now wi get a party in powa dat care about Jamaicans. If yuh eva get sick and goh a hospital yuh si weh mi a talk bout. It get soh bad dat nat even fly waan pitch pan dee-dee caah dem noh waan get sick inna dis country. I-man not even sure if di JLP can do any betta. All a dem jus dunce an love dem party ova di people. Mi dun talk!

Melanie: (Rebuts in anger) Maasa tap chat rubbish!!  Look pan all di tings dem weh happen unda PNP watch! Wi have boasy Highways.. everybady own a cyar soh til yuh cyaan fine place fi walk.. Nuff people own mansions pan tap a di hill. Technology a blow up all ova di place! Dung to di lickle baby dem a walk wid cell phone! And look how much gold medal wi win inna Olympics unda Portia watch?  Yuh tink dat jus come soh widout a strong leada?

Robert: (Brushes her off) As mi hear people like yuh open up unu ignorant mout mi dead sure dis a roll call fi di  retarded. Yes ..unu goh ansa to unu masta Mama P  caah unu a fret seh unu naah goh get noh  more oxtail and goat fi unu  blastid  bang gut! Ooman walk off yaah!

Boardlane TV: Ok , Ok! No need for the back and forth arguing. Let me move on. How do you see this election shaping up Miss in the purple blouse?

Dalia: (Looking in the camera) Sit comfortable Portia! Siddung steady gyal because you are going nowhere!

Miriam: (Butts in) But coo yah! Yuh did si how Portia did look tiyad an pap dung laast night? Fi har time EXPIRE! Pooorrsha is time fi step down and goh get a facial scrub. Yuh tiyad!

Boardlane TV: So Miss, are you predicting that the JLP will take over the reign of the government?

Miriam: (Nodding) Yes! I am VERY confident of a victory for the JLP. Mi all hear seh people a farrin a book flight fi come dung fi cast dem vote.  Dem want to mek sure Poorsha an har government get di stepping! The change is coming Jamaica. Unu watch an si!

Boardlane TV: I guess in a few weeks the airports won’t be able to keep up with those flights coming in. Oh dear. Sir, do you agree with her prediction sir? Who will win this election in your opinion?

Collin: (Kiss teet) Lady, a promise is nutten but a comfat to a blastid fool!  Only when election time yuh hear dem a mek all kina pramise weh dem neva gi wi yet. Dis yah govament noh care bout poor people. People muss vote pan di issues an puddung party loyalty. Some a dem PNP  people a sufffa soh til dem noh have strent fi git up outta dem bed. Some a dem maaga dung to nutten ova starvation and yet still dem waan believe dis garbage mi hear Portia a chat pan TV. Right now mi cyaan even kip mi yam an cocoa pan mi farm sayka di dyam teef dem.  When mi a vote mi a vote pan prosperity. Mi naah lissen to noh pramise.  Action speak louder dan words.

Nova: (Agrees) Talk di tings Bredda D! All a dem a tek wi fi puppet. Dem a tell yuh fi vote but yet still yuh noh have noh road.  Mi tiyad fi a buy new slippas caah di bad road dem a tear dem up! Imagine if mi did have a cyar!  Wi noh have noh prapa drainage system. Look how much dutty black wata dout di place. Jamaica tun di land of wood and dutty black wata.  Slackniss dis man! Wi need new leadaship!

Dalia: (Rebuts) Den if yuh a buy hundred dalla slippas weh yuh expect?! Di way how some a unu a talk is like a Portia mek Jamaica poor! Unu neva did poor before shi come inna powa? Well, di JLP did a bawl fi election call soh now di date set. Hope unu ready fi di landslide buss assin dat unu ago get.

Dean: (Laughing jubilantly)  Mek dem tan deh chat bout Portia ago lose sistren! Shi mek a good move caah dem cyaan prepare fi wi inna tree weeks! Nat even T-shut dem can get print inna tree weeks.  Daag ago nyam daag ova Belmont road di mawning  of Feb 26th. Stay tuned!

Boardlane TV: So am I hearing that most people believe Andrew Hollness will have a difficult haul in this election?

Marie: I want to know if Portia can stay in powa fi soh long an shi nuh have noh brains, why Andrew who is a “ROADS” scholar  cyaan run di country?

Dean: (Mocks) Andrew a really “road” scholar fi troot.” Fi im road  slippery an im party  dry up like grass inna hot sun. Wooiii mi belly! Yuh deh yah a try diss di prime minister an a show up how yuh daff an illiterate!

Marie: (Angrily responds) STINK AFF MONGREL! Unu a jump pan di man back like unu know anyting bout im. Di whole a unu friten ova big speech pan podium. Gi di man a chance!

Melanie: (Disagrees) Nat even di Labourites ago gi Andrew noh  chance. Mark mi word.. if im win by di 26th dem kick im out an put in Audley. Andrew a star inna im own duppy show!

Boardlane TV: This is getting really heated on both sides. It seems there is no trust in either party. How do you as voters decide on who is best to lead?

Rohan: Lady, wi coulda complain til wi black and blue nutten naah change. Wi jus haffi tek di lesser of two evils. Trust me it betta wi tap waste time wid dem yah politician an goh vote fi God caah  a only im wan can help wi.  Whole a dem a some parasite! All di teefing Peter Philips behine Portia look like im blastid raw mout a drip sewage wata. Look like im want a blurtnaught bib round him powk neck! A cyaan tek di whole a dem!

Boardlane TV: Oh Dear. Well, we are going to wrap this up now and get a final word in. Anyone wants to close out on this topic?

Princess: (Steps up to the Mike) Unno look here noh! It is in di best interest of the PNP party to win because foreigners are waiting patiently to come here an buy up di land weh poorsha pramise dem. Jamaica a noh fi wi again.  Dem a sell wi out to di highest bidda. Soh all di warring dem people a gwaan wid noh matta. Portia ago win sed way.

Boardlane TV: So there you have it folks. The last word has been spoken. Portia has stated in her speech: “If you want to keep Jamaica moving up, stay with the People’s National Party.” Only time will tell how this will turn out for either party and for Jamaica. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Feb 2 , 2016

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!



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