United Kingdom David Cameron offers a Prison to Jamaica – Jamaicans React (Hilarious Spoof)

Prime Minister of United Kingdom (UK) David Cameron official visit to Jamaica has yielded promises of a £25million fund aimed at building a new prison for the island. The news struck a nerve in Jamaicans all across the globe. Boardlane TV is on site at King’s Plaza in Constant Spring to obtain reactions from every day Jamaicans.

Boardlane TV: Sir, please come over here and tell our viewers how you feel about Prime Minister Cameron’s proposition for Jamaica.

Sophia: (Vexed face) Cameron waan smaddy slap im wid a big stone! I swear to Almighty Gad seh Manley, Bustamante, Marcus Garvey, Sam Sharpe a tun inna dem grave yah now and bawl bloody murda! Dung to Nanny mussi a seh shi ketch bullet inna har b@tty fi nutten if a dis wi come aff to. Portia Simpson naah do nutten but sell out Jamaica to di highest bidda!

Rufus: (Interrupts and chimes in) Talk di tings dawta! Mi waan fi know if di Governa General or smaddy cyaan lick some sense inna Portia lagga head?! Betta yet, why dem noh fling har r@ss inna di prison when it dun buil? Shi an di ress a sell out dem a blastid TEEF an criminal! I neva si siting hat mi soh since mi baby madda lef mi an goh deh wid mi uncle. Trus mi.

Boardlane TV: I appreciate your candid comment young man. Ok, I see someone dying to get on camera. What do you have to say to our viewers?

Cockpipe: All Rasta waan fi seh is …Cameron a di real Wasteman! God si an know! Weh Chronixx deh fi talk pan dis? Weh yuh haffi seh now Chronixx or yuh naah goh seh nuuten caah yuh fraid dem tek weh yuh Visa? All di wan Sista P always a chat bout shi noh fraida noh bwoy an noh gyal but when whi fi stan up firm an talk up fi wi, shi lose har big chat an tek dis loada hog sh!t dis man come gi wi. Shi noh have noh bloody use fi di big mout shi have. Cockpipe dun talk!

Boardlane TV: OK sir… I hear you and God knows we don’t want any more Twitter controversy over this visit. Moving right along. Let me your view on the matter. What do you have to say about this, young man?

Jeff: (Shaking head) Afta how much years a slavery – a ongle prison wi get?? Kiss mi neck Jah! Di man cudden come build some museum fi store Portia old-bruck frack and wig dem? Im cudden build more stadiums? Fix up wi bridge, road, school, police station an park?? Im cudden gi wid some fighter plane, marine tank, submarine, night goggles an dem tings deh?

Boardlane TV🙁Confused) Sir, are you expecting Jamaica to get into a war?

Jeff: (Shaking head) Lady, at di rate at which wi a go wi already inna war. When dem sen dem bad man deh dung yah fi put pan tap a di set weh dung yah …wi ago waan all scud missile to blurtneet! A more serious times wi get ready fi goh inna. Memba mi tell yuh!

Gloria: (Chimes in) TV lady, all I want to ask is …what is di education requirements to run for Prime Minister? Becausen seh as a Christian woman, dem someting here ago mek two dutty badwud come out a mi mout and Maasa Gad not going to be please wid mi. Di pickney dem nat even have prapa working teilet inna di school dem and dis stinking government a tek money fi build prison! An who di backside ago feed dem when dem come yah? Mi only hope di govament mek sure Cameron feed dem to caah enough food noh dung here fi share fi soh much people. Portia, yuh si all yuh… as election come a hope opposition light up yuh blood fire!!!

Celia: (Sigh) How soh much a unu unintelligent and dumb people love push up unu self pan TV soh? Unu soun downright trupid , rude and foolish. Why di whole a unu soh nasty gainst Portha Shrimson….a woman dat give soh much service to di country. Di whole a unu a some dutty crow an unu attitude come een like a flat tire going nowhere until unu change it! Unu gwey an hop offa mi PM back and fix unu self!

Devon: (Starts arguing) Dat is why wi country cyaan betta. Yuh cyaan even pronounce di PM name good an deh yah a chat bout people noh intelligent. MOVE and GWEY an goh tell yuh “crime minister” seh Jamaica don’t need noh more prison. What wi need a more mad house fi fling har and di ressa restarded jancrow dem r@ss in deh!

Boardlane TV: (Alarmed) Woaa! Woaa!!Ok, Ok. Calm down folks before things get out of hand here. Take a deep breath. You Miss, what’s your side on this heated discussion going on here?

Debby: Look Miss, some people missing the point. Mista Cameron have the right to deport criminals. A dem wrang fi goh a UK an goh tun criminal. Look how long mi deh yah a try get a Visa fi goh Miami an cyaan get troo and dem goh quite a England gaan en up a prison. Portia fi tap gi criminal VISA an gi dem to people like mi who waan goh farrin goh live betta life. Mi noh wrang Cameron fi tell dem seh dem cyaan stay dere an at least im want to build somewhere fi put dem soh dem noh run wild inna di streets.

Devon: (Starts arguing again) Here dis almshouse argument fram dah big foot gyal yah! Mr Cameron is a slimy goat wid evil intentions! When dem tek up residence a people country, dem need to serve di time weh dem do di crime and tan deh afta dem serve dem time!!…Cameron fi wheel an come again or goh di hell back to Britain …Like dem seh: “Red eye and Lickie Lickie dog all the same. ” Portia too blasted Lickie Lickie an shi need fi goh buy two pound a DIGNITY an one pound a CLASS!

Rose: (Adds) Portia don’t have no vision and shi need Jesas. Shi neven demands dat Cameron pay wi back reparations fi slavery soh mi can get a check fi set up mi house good wid bran new furniture an wan flat screen TV.

Boardlane TV: Madam, reparations are not about people getting a check. Instead reparations could be in the form of debt forgiveness to reduce our debt load and requesting the building of schools, hospitals, and the improvement of existing infrastructure such as roads etc. It’s not about giving individuals payments by check.

Rose: (Disappointed) A true fi real? Den a mek people did a galang soh ova reparations like a sinting good fi poor people. (KMT) Well if a noh money wi a get dem can stuff dat where di sun don’t shine!

Boardlane TV: All right then and on that note we have now concluded our live reactions from very opinionated Jamaicans on the streets of Constant Springs. Until next time, this is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 1, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

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