Category Archives: Parodies

These are parodies that I wrote


Boardlane TV: Good day ladies and gentlemen. Bordlane TV news has just learned that Adidja ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer and his three co-accused were just sentenced to life in prison for the  murder of Clive ‘Lizard’ Williams. Some Jamaicans are vividly upset with the verdict while some camps believe the verdict was just.  I have a  young man standing next to me who says he is a supporter of the dancehall DJ, has something to say about the verdict. Go ahead, young man.

Blinkas: (Shouting angrily) Mek mi show unu dis now massive.. yuh si all a dis blurtnaught sheggries weh dem a put poor people troo, wi naah blurneet tek it soh! Wi dun si seh dem  a use Kartel as scapegoat fi put fear inna ghetto yute but mi waan di World Boss fi know seh *WI*  naah goh stap fight fi im freedom an wi naah stap seh soh!!

Boardlane TV:  May I ask how are you and the rest of supporters planning onbe fighting for his freedom? Explain?

Blinkas: (Pauses) Well…well wi can do some tings like… like eehhh.. like put aan some stage show or.. well troo wi noh have noh funds an ting dat ago tough fi do still.  A noh nutte dow. Wi  can gwaan mek some chune fi blaze up fiyah pan di oppression weh dem a put poor people troo, n’aah mean. But world boss fi free up! GAZA STRAIGHT!

Boardlane TV: OK I guess freedom songs will help indeed. Never worked before but you can never tell. Let me get to this little miss who is in tears. Come over here sweetheart.  What is going on?

Shazzy: (Wailing) Mi mumma! Dem kill Kartel!  Woooiieieee Kartel dead nung!

Boardlane TV:  Miss, why are you saying that. He is not dead.

Shazzy: (Still wailing) Might as well dem did kill im. How di backside im a goh manige inna jail fi di ress a im life?! How im ago survive widout di cake soap fi soh long?! Look how im skin did a buss soh nice an pretty. Yuh know all dem ago do now a mek im tan a jail an tun back black an dry dung to nutten. (Drops to the ground and rolling) Woooiieieee Kartel mi feel it fi yuh! Waaiiiiiii! Mi baby faada dead oyyyyeeee! Dancehall noh good again oyyyeee!!!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear, we may need an ambulance for this one. Moving on now to this man who is eager to make a comment. What do you think of the verdict and was it just in your opinion?

Bradley: Yes! Yes! Yes! A dat di lickle brute fi get! Every day dem a walk a talk bout dem a bad man fram birt. Well seet deh! A dat bad man get fi tek up badmanship pan im head. Dem blasted careliss bway love chuck badniss to much an cyaan hangle di consequence.

Ruffus: (Cursing as he walks by)  MOVE an GWEH  ediat bway! Yuh sour like lime! Kartel help out more yute inna di ghetto more dan anyting. A wan man di boss kill an dem come gi im LIFE?! How dat fi fair? Man, goh bade yuh dutty self an come affa Kartel name!

Bradley: Now hear dis ignorant jackass bout a wan man im kill soh di verdict noh fair. Yuh hear dat trupiness miss TV lady?! A dem kina fawt Kartel followers chat day in, day out like dem brain a wan big empty dry coknat! Dyam fool!

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) Thank you for your opinion, sir and try to avoid further confrontation. We don’t want to see you get hurt. Next we have an elderly lady who wants to speak to our viewers. Go right ahead.

Hilda: (Hands akimbo) Yes mam. Tideh mi suppose to deh a market a mine mi stall but mi decide fi come a court fi come hear dis sentance fi myself. Mi decide seh mi noh waan hear it pan TV, less mi goh paas out an nobaddy noh deh roun mi fi crape mi up. When mi lissen to di Judge good an hear har a chat an a chat an den all of a suden shi goh soh – BAM – 35 to Life pan yuh head tap! I tan up deh a piss up di wan good drawz mi wear tideh.

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Does that mean you did not like the verdict?

Hilda: NO SAH! Nat a dyam! Aldowe mi noh believe a im kill Lizzad, mi coulda deal wid 6 monts to a year caah dem have im a prison soh lang from 19 how lang dat im serve a good amount a time arreid di fi di lilly bway weh dem seh dead. Im coulda all deh a Mandeville a lay low now an a watch weh poor Kartel a goh troo and a laugh. But Gad naah sleep. If Lizzad really a tek dis ting fi joke, im is a WIKID  sucka! (Screaming in the mike) LIZZAD! Di joke dun now! Come from affa di hill an come talk di troot mek dem free World Boss Yuh is nat a Lizzad but a blasted SERPENT fi mek dem a do di poor bway soh!

Boardlane TV: (Raised eye brows) Miss, “Lizard” is in fact dead. Where are you coming from with this theory?

Hilda: Look yah lady. Yuh look like yuh did goh good school, soh doan talk what yuh doanknow. How di backside yuh know dat?! Mi haffi si Lizzad dead bady before me believe any ting di liyad police dem seh. Di dutty bway a hide weh upppa Mandeville. Believe mi when mi tell yuh dat. Mi dream bout it laas week. Awoh!!

Boardlane TV:OK Miss.. I think you will never be persuaded otherwise. Thank you. Young lady come over hearr and give us the final comment of the day. What you have to say about today’s verdict?

Lorna: (Steps forward) Well, me personally noh feel sarry fi Kartel. Some a dem feel seh caah dem a big artist dem can jus walk an kill as dem please an get weh wid it. May Gad help im inna jail caah by di time im come outta jail im naah goh name World Boss again. Dem ago call im “Lizzad” jus like di bway weh im kill.

Boardlane TV:  How so?

Lorna: (grins) Yuh noh si how im start change color arredi. A ongle lizzad wan mi si change color soh often. Wan minute im white an nex minute im black an dem im tun white again to backfoot. Im nex color change ago bi grey when im tun ole man a walk outta prison. He heya! What a ting! Kartel a life yaah baby.. yuh do di crime bossy, yuh haffi do di time. Dats all.

Boardlane TV: Well that is a great place to end this interview. Thank you so much for you all for tuning into Boardlane TV. We promise to bring you much more on this very divisive case and verdict as things unfold. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studios.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright April  3rd, 2014

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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Customs Commissioner, Major Richard Reese recently announced that the Customs Department will be collecting taxes on the import of human hair weaves. According to recent reports, weave imports have reached JM$1 billion and now the government wants a bigger piece of the pie. Boardlane TV took to the streets to find out how local hairdressers and customers feel about the imposed tax on this commodity.

Boardlane TV: Hi folks, I am in the middle of a street corner “salon” located on Princess Street in downtown, Kingston. This corner is bustling with folks having hear extensions done and we are eager to get their feedback on the weave tax that is about to affect them. We have someone here who wants to weigh in. Go ahead, miss.

Pinkey: (Lips pouted) Hello! Mi is a hair bootichian fi ova 15 years now an mi neva have been seen such sheggries like dis yet! I doan know why di jancrow dem noh hop affa poor people! Wi already a pay tax pan di spritz dem. Wah more dem waan? Wan bakkle a spritz a fi $450 dalla plus tax. Den silva glitta is aneda $250 plus tax. When mi dun pay fi all a dat now, mi cyaan even afford a backle a hair aile fi grease dung di people dem dry head. Di set a jancrow dem out fi kill wi aff wid tax!

Boardlane TV: So do you think this is unfair? Is the government taking advantage of the upsurge of weaves in the country?

Pinkey: Of course di parasite dem a tek libatty wid wi! Di weave dem tax before dem lef China and as dem reach a airport dem tax dem again. Den when dem put dem pan truck, dem put aan highway tax pan dem again. Fi tek dem affa di truck a di warehouse ..dem tax it backside again. Kiss mi toe nail bway! Fram a bawn a neva si such wikidness!

Boardlane TV: Oh my! You seems to be up-to-date on all sorts of imaginary tax. Thanks for chatting with me. (Moves to another section) Hi Miss, I see you are getting a fancy do. Are you concerned that such a hair-style will one day be too expensive for you to get?

Perline: Well lady, yuh noh know how it goh. Welcome to land of wood, water an weaves. A yah soh poor people money spend.  If a di laas lickle money wi have, it haffi spen pan wi hair, clothes an finganail.

Boardlane TV: So your priority will always be your hair no matter what it cost?

Perline: It noh matta mi weh dem waan tax, enoh lady. All mi do, if push come to shove di hair can wash an dry pan clothes line an re-use til every strawn a hair drop outta di track. Mi noh cyaah, becausen seh my hair haffi look bash pan a certain level. Long, curly an pretty-pretty, yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. (Speaking to the hairdresser ) So do you agree with your client that the tax will not affect you and your business, young lady?

Munchie: (Busy sewing in weave) Baby doll, govament luckia dan mi yaah. Dem naah stap my progress caah everybody a wear weave. A it a di in ting like Tessanne Chin. Trus mi! Dem fi portian out di tax dem prappa dowe. Some  a di pack dem come wid stringy-stringy hair weh cyaan siddung pan people head right an prappa! Is a sin fi pay tax pan dem deh bad-breed hair deh.

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) I am sure you do not expect the government to spend time to decipher what is quality hair from what is not – right?

Munchie: (Still busy sewing in weave) How yuh mean?!  If dem ago demands dat we pay more tax, wi a demand dat dem sen good hair come gi wi. All Portia she, shi betta come dung yah come mek mi put wan sensible weave inna har head. Di tiyad bang shi have fram 1972 waan upgrade. (Grabbing the Mike) Portia come dung a Princess street an ask fi Munchie, yuh hear? A me do Macka Diamond hair fi Sting. Aldowe shi did flop out, har hair style did slap weh!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Ok ladies, thanks for your comments. I would love to hear from a male. Which one of you gentleman would like to comment on the weave tax?

Richie: (Raise his hands) Mi have something fi seh, sistren. Mi noh stap seh, oh what a web dem a weave when dem practice fi deceive wi!  Why dese women woan grow wah already deh pan dem head? A dat a baffle mi to bombawt!

Perline: (Shouts angrily) Shut up yuh blasted mout! Weh yuh noh practice fi comb yuh blinking head weh tough like dem blasted steel wool weh can scowa pot!

Richie: (Argues back) At least a fi mi head dis a grow fram di root straight to di stem! Di govament fi charge yuh tax fi a walk roun wid dat deh vampire face to. Yuh dyam face full a more dent dan di cyar dem a junk yaad to rahtid. Tek weh yuhself gyal!

Boardlane TV: (Signals) OK, OK! You are live on TV. Please stop the fussing and continue your remarks to our viewers. You were saying?

Richie: Yes, sistren. Sarry! Mi was a seh dat if dem neva did a hitch aan soh much false hair pan dem head govament wudden have weave fi tax. A dem put dat pan dem head – literally and figarately! Dem fi knot up dem head like rasta an get back in touch wid dem roots.

Perline: (Still arguing) Nobadddy noh waan dem head full a lice like fi yuh! Look like dat deh head noh wash fram yuh come outta yuh mumma belly! Gweh dutty bway!

Boardlane TV: (Alarmed) Oh sweet Jesus! Sir, you can go now. Thanks for the comments. Is there anyone else in favor of the tax who would like to speak on camera?

Maxine: (Steps forward) Well, I have to say I agree wid di tax. Mi noh too pree di weave ting caah mi try it wan time an mi head scratch out mi daylight whole day soh til mi haffi tear ie aff. But mi sista dem love it! If dem can tax hanbag, jewelry an odda accessories, dem can tax hair to.

Boardlane TV:  So you are saying that hair weaves should be classified as an accessory?

Maxine: (Nods) Yes, yes, yes! My sista dem wear dem like any accessory! Dem noh goh noh weh widdout it. Dem all have wig fi every day a di week inna all sorta color. Weh di govament fi tax to a di blasted bat lash weh dem put pan dem yeye to. Mi a defen taxing false anyting!  All di fake Rasta dem fi get tax to. Some a dem have aan di natty locks but dem naah deal wid Rasta principles. A nyam up di Trenton like it a goh outta style. Yes, a wi seh tax fi tun up pan all falsity! Chat bout!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Tax, tax and more tax! Well, folks you heard what the people had to say. It appears some folks will have to hold on tight to their extensions and wigs, because weave taxes are coming in with gale force wind speed. This is Wendy reporting live from Princess Street. Now back to the studios.


© Written by Joelle C. Wright  January 14th, 2014

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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The Voice’s final 10 singers assembled for a live two-hour battle last night. The night was punctuated by a “cameo” appearance from Olympian Usain Bolt. When it was her time, Tessanne Chin gave another powerful rendition of “If I was your woman.” With nine other contestants who performed, Boardlane TV is Live in Portmore, Jamaica to obtain feedback from  the viewers of the show.

Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from outside a shopping Mall in Portmore. I have a young lady standing next to me who identified herself  as an avid viewer and a loyal Tessanne fan. So miss, we know you are a Tessanne fan, are there any other favorites you have in the show?

Felicia: (Nods) No sah! To tell yuh troot half a dem boring noh puss front! Wan lily gyal pan di show name Caroline, Gad know seh shi fi use Google maps an goh fine har bloody yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?

Felicia: Nat a backside! An doan even get mi started pan di loud mout gyal name, Kat. Why di blurtbeet rouna fi har yeye dem haffi always soh black like di pot dem inna mi kitchen?  Every week it come een like shi beg smaddy tump har inna har yeye before shi touch di stage. Den di black vampire wan wid im zip up sleeve, Ceelo, a come talk bout Kat have 9 live. Well so does DUPPY an if shi noh fayva wan mi change mi name to Medusa!

Boardlane TV: OK then. Very strong feelings there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now, you sir have been waiting patiently to speak to me. What is your take on the top 10 performers?

Ranny: (Shaking head side-to-side) Baby doll, mi siddung inna mi settee a pree how Miss Chin a sing out har heart an soul to mi. Laas night shi mek it clear to mi dat  if she was MY WOMAN, mi wouden waan noh more ooman an shi woulda mek mi weak like a goat!

Boardlane TV: (Interjects) That should be like a “lamb”, sir. The word in the song is, “lamb.”

Ranny: Goat-Lamb… same dyam ting caah di two a dem can curry! Weh mi a try seh is, shi look straight inna di camera an tell mi seh me is a part of har an mi jus noh know yet. An shi waan mi but shi too fraid fi show it.  Oh Gad, a feel it to mi BONE! (Closing his eyes) Oh Tessy, I need yuh caressing and loving, baby. (Licks lips)

Tina: (Slaps across his head) Ranny! Weh di rahtid yuh jus seh, big head?! Yuh tink mi noh si yuh ova yah a drip mout wata ova di nice, nice woman weh nat even know wan ting bout yuh an yuh bruck  ass!

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) Excuse me. Boardlane TV, here. Who are you?

Tina:  Mi a di wifie, Miss lady. Mi si im ova yah a chat to yuh soh mi seh mek mi walk ova an hear what unu talking bout. Only fi hear im an im ransid mout a chat bout Tess want him. Coo im to. Fayva dem blastid croakin’ lizzad!

Boardlane TV: Never mind him. I’m sure it was all innocent. Well, I asked your husband to give me his take on the Voice last night. Do you have anything to say about any of the contestants?

Tina: Yes, as a matter of fact, I does have some tings to seh. Tess, yuh ting shell dung but sweetie, a when yuh ago bruck out di dub plate mek wi hear some reggae music? Come een like Adam noh know weh di fawt im a do wid yuh except fi a stare inna yuh yeye like im si matta in deh! Look yah noh Adam, Miss Chin nat trying to headline show inna Pegasus hotel, enoh. Di ooman a try get top a di line intanational career! Tap gi di ooman sang weh drap affa di chart fram whappy kill phillup an bring har up to di forty-first century! Cho r@@s man!

Ranny: Yes, a true ting mi wife a seh. Leggo di reggae pan di crowd Tessy, but noh sing noh more sang to mi caah yuh a cause worries inna mi house. Love yuh bad, bad, bad!

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) You two are a funny bunch. You can go now and Miss, go easy on your husband. It was just fantasy.  Moving along. Sir, would you like to share your views on any of the contestants of the show?

Ringo:  Trus mi, a nuff tings di Don waan seh still but hear wah…mek a seh sinting bout di yute weh name James Worl-Pit or whateva im waan name…

Boardlane TV: Do you mean James Wolpert, sir?

Ringo: (Shrugs) Yes, dah punk deh! Mi waan fi know weh di blurtneet di bredda goh tek aan high note weh im cyaan manige fah? Di yute set fi goh high wan time an mi swear im sh!t up im pants. Mi bet any money seh im all buss out im pant cratches pan di stage an dem haffi change im roun a back deh. BLURTNAUGHT! Di bway nearly buss up mi ears drum to banana trash!

Boardlane TV: So clearly you didn’t like his performance, ah?

Ringo: No Star! Adam mite as well gi im wan lollipop an sen im home to im mumma fi Chrismuss. As far as mi si, a ongly Tess wan fi deh pan fi im team. Waste a time di whole lot a dem!

Boardlane TV: You held back nothing at all for sure. Thanks for the comments and we have just enough time left for one more person. Let me grab this young lady with her shopping bags. Miss, Boardlane TV reporting. Would you like to share with us your take in the top 10 performances on the Voice?

Nino: Ah yes, that show! The highlight for me was when Usain Bolt show im face fi seh im come fi support  Tessanne. Bad enough di yankee dem haffi get a buss assin pan di track an now Usain Bolt come pan di Voice fi mek di whole a di singas dem know seh Tess ago put aan more buss assin pan dem Jamaican-style! Lawd, it noh pretty!

Boardlane TV: So you think this is going to be another win for Jamaica, ah?

Nino: No question bout dat! Mite as well dem start line up di podium an get ready fi hice up di flag backa Tessanne and mek shi sing di national antem. It is going to be an Olympic style victory where Tessanne wins by a long-slide. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV: Who do you think will be the runner up?

Nino: (Kiss teet) It noh matta mi enoh lady, soh as long as di whole a dem come dead laas backa har, in the name of Jesus. Prayer works!

Boardlane TV:  OK, there you have it. One viewer has just predicted a win for the Jamaican songstress by a “long-slide” – whatever that means. This is Wendy reporting from Portmore shopping plaza. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  November 19th, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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Government Shut Down: Obama Gets “Jamaican” on Boehner (Spoof)

As the government shut down continues, an exasperated President Barack Obama called in Speaker of the house, John Boehner, for talks in attempt to end the stalemate. The Speaker emerged from the talks very shaken and visibly in tears, claiming “ the President got straight Jamaican on me, man.” Boardlane TV obtained a voice recording of what went down behind closed doors during the talk. Take a listen.

Boehner: Hey there, Mister President! Thanks for inviting me to the White House for this talk. (Smiling) Nice tie, by the way.

Barack: (Grimacing) Jus sit yuh backside dung an noh come grin yuh big teet dem wid mi! Right now mi inna no joke bizness wid yuh! (Points)  Pree dis, yuh si dis problem weh yuh an di ress a cow ticks dem inna di House a cause, unu betta sort it out proppa before unu get mi cross like Bounty Killa!

Boehner: (Eyes wide open) Wait a minute, Mister President. You’re Jamaican?!  Hot dam! Man, I thought you were from Kenya, dude! And who’s “Bounty Killa?” His he from  AlQueda?

Barack: YOW! Noh ask mi noh bombawt question bout Al Queda an stick to di matta before mi subtract yuh front teet. A long time mi a kip mi cool but unu gwaan soh til unu draw out di Yaadie outta mi an mek mi RED!  (Stroking his chin) Soh when yuh an di fassy dem ago open up back di govament? Talk to mi!

Boehner: (Sighs) Well you see, Mister President, like we said days ago, we are willing to open up the government if you just stop handing out Health Care like candy to the American people. The American people don’t need health care. What the people want is more freedom, Mister President.

Barack: But a weh di kacka-tail yuh a chat bout, Bonah? How yuh mean di people dem noh waan healthcare! Man like yuh noh know nutten bout poor people plight an a my policy yuh waan come undamine. Mi tell yuh arredi an mi naah tell yuh again, mi naah mek NO deal pan di people dem ‘Bamacare! Yuh noh si nuff a di people dem inna Ted Cruz distric waan good dentis  fi get dem teet fix! Everyday yuh si di blasted people dem pan TV wid wan bag a ratten teet inna dem blinking mout! Dem need di ‘Bamacare soh dem can goh tek care a dat nastiness!

Boehner: That is not the point though, sir. (Sighs)  Look dude, I got a whole lotta them redneck bastard holding me hostage in the house. I ain’t trying to look like a punk in front of them. Please give me a little something, Mister President.  Please!

Barack: Yow orange face termite! Yuh already look like a lickle punk!!  Every minute  yuh a walk roun a bawl like a lickle sissy an a wipe aff yuh nose naught pan yuh shut sleeve.  Yuh know what your problem is, yuh an di Tea-Pot posse a try raise up ‘gainst di general an a instigate fi bring dung everyting Federal. But watch an si how unu plot ago flop. Real talk dat, bredrin!

Boehner: (Nervous laugh) No sir! Not true. All we want is compromise. Just a little compromise and we’ll open back the government and we’ll have a laugh about it on the golf course.

Barack: How ‘bout mi mek mi boot heel compromise wid yuh dankey face! Yuh tek bad man fi fool?! Laas time mi gi yuh compromise, yuh goh pan news an diss big man like yuh tink mi a di sausage nyaming bobo-dread weh marrid yuh knock knee dawta.

Boehner: It won’t happen again, I promise you. Throw me a bone please!!

Barack: Rasta, mi noh have noh boombeet bone a gi yuh! (Threatening stare) Lissen to mi boss man, noh mek mi get irate an set Bo fi bite out anneda hole inna yuh crusty b@tty! Di whole a unu betta stap tess mi patience before mi squeeze off a rocket fram mi drone an wipe out di whole a unu like how Hurricane Sandy wipe out Jersey!

Boehner: Naah ah! Not the drones. Calm down, bro! Look, what if we settle on another tax cut for the 1 %? How does that sound?

Barack: What if mi gi yuh uppa cut crass yuh jawbone?! How dat soun?

Boehner: (Flustered) Errrr.. OK, I guess no more tax cuts. Seriously, is there anything we can agree on today, sir? This damn Speakership is kicking my ass man!  Give me something to take back to the house, please sir!

Barack: (Pulls him up by the collar) Mi seh fi open up back di blurtneet govament! A work mi come fi work ..a noh fowl mi come fi jerk! Wi seh wi naah retreat an wi naah surrenda!

Boehner: OK, sir. Let me go back and talk to the caucus. I’m going to try my best but you know my hands are tied. They’re trying to take me down, man!

Barack: Eeh, EEh. What a stress! Welcome to di party, cockroach! Now move from in front a mi before mi blow faas like a gas cylinda! If yuh know wah good fi yuh, come affa dis suicide mission caah a dead yuh out fi dead like cell phone battery. (Sipping alcohol)  Mi deh yah soh a sip pan mi tigerbone blen up wid some tequila an a watch yuh movements.

Boehner: (Head hung low and sobbing) Man, this ain’t right!  I hate this stupid job!

 © Written by Joelle C. Wright  October 4, 2013

Books by the Author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan

For more laughs, visit:

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The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowing soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin.
Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?
Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV:: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?
Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.
Boardlane TV:: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?
Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.
Boardlane TV:: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?
Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.
Boardlane TV:: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?
Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!
Boardlane TV:: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area) Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?
Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.
Boardlane TV:: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!
Boardlane TV:: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!
Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?
Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.
Boardlane TV:(Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?
Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity, plus tax!
Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?
Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright September 25, 2013
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit:
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Tessanne Chin Wows The Voice: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)

Jamaicans woke up to a natural high after witnessing Reggae superstar, Tessanne Chin, dominated night two of The Voice’s  blind auditions. Tessanne, who really had the judges going all-in, sang “Try” by Pink. The Jamaican had all four judges turned around by the time she hit the song’s chorus. Today Boardlane TV gets reaction from Jamaicans in downtown, Kingston.

Boardlane TV: Good day everyone, I am here in downtown Kingston where there a few elated Jamaicans gathered in a corner store still reminiscing about their home town girl’s performance on NBC’s, The Voice. Let’s hear what some of them have to say. Miss, step over here and tell us how you feel this morning after that wonderful performance by Tessanne Chin?

Joan: (Fanning away tears) Oh my sweet Jesas! Lady, a proud a Tennessee so til mi baddy WEAK!….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Her name is Tess-anne. Not “Tennessee” …that is the name of a State in the US.

Joan: Oh sarry! Dats why dem chiney people fi gi dem pickney name weh black people can pronounce, enoh. Cho! Ah-rite, soh what I were saying was dat Miss Tennessee gi dem a peica show deh! Mi seh, when di girl touch pan di fuss note mi jump up in spirit sed time. Den yuh si when di fuss chair tun roun .. a pan di grung mi deh wid asthma attack to fawt! Is mi son haffi carry mi ventilator sinting soh mi coulda breade again. Wooiiii! Excitement come ova mi dat mi nearly dead to rahtid! Tennessee, yuh sell aff, my girl!

Boardlane TV: Very nice…although you are still calling her “Tennessee.” Moving on. You Sir, was this a moment of pride and joy for you as it seems for everyone?

Graig: Den noh muss man! Bway, Jamaica really did need dis fi liff up wi spirit. Wi did a cry fi somting fi jubilate ova, caah si di blastid Reggae Boyz dem goh pan world stage goh put wi to shame wah day. Dah sinting still bun mi til dis day!  But Miss Tess really tun up har ting loud pan di stage an mek wi can HICE UP di black, green, and gold once more. Wi well prouda har bad!

Boardlane TV: Well done, sir. Thanks. Hi there, come and have a chat with me. Did you see the performance and what do you think of it?

Icilyn: Dat lickle gyal pickney did granny heart proud but shi have to be very, very careful what shi talk out of har mout mek certain people hear.

Boardlane TV: (Confused) Come again. What do you mean by that, madam?

Icilyn:  What I mean is, when Portia Simpson goh hear seh har singing is har Bread an Butta, shi naah goh do nutten but put aan more tax pan bread an butta. All Portia waan know is, if sinting a mek smaddy eat a food, it fi get tax an mi cyaan afford fi tax raise pan bread and butta caah dats all mi nyam a day time soh mi noh dead fi hungry.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckling) OK, madam. I hear you. Thank you for that Candid remark. Young miss, do you have anything else to add?

Rachel:  (Holding the Mike) Yes, I would like to say to Tessa dat di whole a wi back home pulling for you shuga plum-plum. Wi also very happy dat yuh pick Adam an nat dat Country half-ediat name, Blake. How im fi ask di girl if she has ever been to Jamaica? Noh yah shi barn an grow?! Mi seh some people ignorant and dunce yuh si man! (Kiss teet) Well, im an im bow foot can nobaddy tink im a win dis again caah it ago bi Adam an Tess TO DI WOORLLLLLL!! Jamaicans seh soh!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Well, we have just enough time for one more remark. Miss in the white blouse, come on over. Give us your feedback on the performance?

Bubbles: (Excited) Wooiiieee! Mi seh Missa Chin was di highlight a di night fi mi. Im jus goh pan di farrin TV an demand dat Tessa SHUT DEM DUNG BABY! Missa Chin noh tap jump up an prance like bull frag roun a back deh. But Lady, mi is a artical, rude gyal fram Vineyard Town an mi noh usually bawl fi much…but yuh si when Missa Chin start halla an seh, “Lawd mi lickle baby!” .. a buss out some cow bawling inna di place til all yeye wata soak mi ti-ti dem. Wi prouda all dem – dung to di puppa! Gad know!

Boardlane TV: Do you think she can win the competition?

Bubbles: Lady, dat is a very foo-fool questian! Anyting di yaadie dem inna wi haffi tek di Gold! Only di lickle football a gi wi trubble but a troo dem bway deh a play wid two lef foot. Tessanne Chin a tek dis ting to dem! Nobaddy cyaan compare!

Boardlane TV:  Well folks, there you have it. A very jubilant set of Kingstonians celebrating Jamaica’s Tessanne Chin’s appearance on the Voice which they deem a very proud and eventful night for Jamaicans around the word. This has been Wendy reporting from Kingston. Thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  September 25, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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Boardlane TV has learned that House Speaker John Boehner’s 35 year old daughter, Lindsay Boehner, is set to marry Jamaican-born Rastafarian, Dominic Lakhan. Reports are that Speaker Boehner is not happy about his daughter’s choice for a fiancée. But how do Jamaicans feel about this union? Boardlane TV took to the streets to gauge reactions.

Boardlane TV: Excuse me sir. I am looking for some opinions on a story we are following. The Speaker of the house is about to be the father-in-law of a Jamaican Rastafarian. What do you think about that?

Ruddy:  SEH WAH?! Mi noh know a who dem  enoh, sistren. Yuh have a pictra fi show mi?

Boardlane TV: Sure! (Showing him photos) This is a photo of the Boehner family and this is the photo of her Jamaican fiancée. As you can see, he is clearly a Rasta.

Ruddy: Kiss mi neck! (Singing) Guess who’s coming to dinna…Natty Dreadlocks!  Bway, di bo-bo dread ago create inta-racial HISTORY to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Why do you say that? There have been many Dreads who have dated Caucasian women before. This isn’t new.

Ruddy: Look yah man…di puppa orange and di  gyal look orange to. Dem  deh people noh white!  Im ago bi di fus Ras fi marrid inna orange family. (Laughing hard) If dem eva have any pickney, dem a goh have color like carrot an pumpkin. Wooiiiii!!

Boardlane TV: Fair enough. Thanks for your comments, sir.  Now you Mister, do you have an opinion on the relationship between Speaker Boehner’s daughter and the Jamaican Rasta?

Kirk: (Shaking his head)  Weh mi waan fi know is how dis Dread tek up imself an gaan mix up imself wid poli-trikcian pickney. Mi a bun a fiyah caah Boehner is a man weh nat even waan legalize di herb much less fi have weed head inna im family. Mek im tan deh til  Boehner  get a immigration man fi dip im blousecut back a yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s interesting but maybe the relationship is a real and genuine one. What do you think about that?

Kirk: (Kissteet) REAL?!! Di dread nat even real to brown daaag. Di man all a nyam Sausage McMuffin fram MacDonald’s an a drink diet Coke! Everyting bout dis ting circumspect. Mi naah feel dah wan yah a-tall, Jah know!

Boardlane TV: LOL. Thanks for your candid remarks sir. Let me get another opinion from this lady.  You look disturbed. What do you have to say about this relationship?

Miss Delcy: Yuh know something noh smell right wid dis ting yah.

Boardlane TV: Why do you say so, miss?

Miss Delcy: Mi is a very old woman but mi have plenty wisdom inna mi head. How comes dis rasta bway penetrate disyah big family soh easy an im anoh smaddy important?  Mi mine tell mi sey is Portia Simpson set up di bway fi fren up dis gyal fi get favors fram di US govament.

Boardlane TV: I am lost. What are you talking about?

Miss Delcy: Portia a tek time mash up Jamaica an a run it inna bankruptcy. Shi plant dis Rasta inna di govament fi im fi try get farrin aid fi help bail har out of har worries. An shi prably set im up fi beg Boehner fi gi Jamaica a bly fi sell ganja to di US fi lickle an nutten. Mi have a clear vision pan wah a gwaan. Dis is a undacova plan.

Lisa: (Intervenes) Lady, mi noh tink nat a bloody ting goh soh caah mi hear seh di bway did get lack up fi weed an Bona is a man weh a fight gainst di herb bad. Di Rasta bway start aff pan di wrang footing arredi. (Throws her hand in the air) Lawd Gad have His Mercy an like how  Bona soh dyam bawly, bawly…a now im ago bawl.

Boardlane TV:  His name is “Boehner”, pronounced “Bay-ner,” not “Boner.”

Lisa: Well a “Bona” mi call im caah im is a blasted bone head! An come een like di dawta is a bone head to caah weh shi a do wid a rasta man? Shi noh know seh dem noh partake inna powk nyamings? Di whole a di Bona dem come fram Ohio an mi know fi a fact seh dem grow roun nuff Hag Farm inna dah State deh.

Boardlane TV: Really? I didn’t draw that connection with the State of Ohio and pigs.

Lisa: Yes missis. Dem people deh nyam powk like it ago goh outta style. Di hag dem inna Ohio even have dem own Twitter account to how dem popular. But mi noh bizness wid dem. Mi have bigga tings pan my head but dat deh Rastaman betta study di runnings before im  get sheg an en up a live pan Hog farm wid Bona. Mi noh know how Tanksgiving dinna ago work out fi di dread!

Boardlane TV:  You learn something new every day. Thanks for talking with us. Well folks, it appears that the Jamaicans are skeptical of the sustenance of this intriguing relationship. This is Wendy reporting from the streets. No back to regular scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright 4/26/2013

Books by the Author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

 A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

Grammy’s Bob Marley Tribute: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)

The 55th Annual Grammys paid tribute to Bob Marley on Sunday with a segment featuring Rihanna, Sting, Bruno Mars, and the late reggae icon’s sons Ziggy and Damian. What was a well-anticipated event from viewers all over the world, including Jamaicans; Boardlane TV gets feedback from Jamaicans living in the Atlanta area.

Boardlane TV: Good day, I am here live with Vivia who wants to share her opinion on the tribute. Vivia, you are one of many who watched the Bob Marley tribute at the Grammys. Tell us what you thought of it.

Vivia: Well fuss to begin, mi noh really watch Grammy to dat caah more time a bare drunkard pan it. But mi sista call mi seh mi was to chune in caah dem about fi do wan Bob tribute. Soh mi tun to di station an siddung deh a wait. Mi wait an wait soh til mi get hungry an decide seh mi ago set aan a pot a parridge….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Just get to your opinion, please. We have only a few short minutes on the air.

Vivia: Lawd misiss, mek yuh a rush mi soh?! Mek mi hassemble mi toughts inna mi head noh! Cho! Anyway, soh afta 1 hour wait dem goh soh – BOOM! Time fi di tribute. An mi siddung wid mi frack tail lap an a salivate. Mi si wan lickle midget come aan name, Bruno. (Pauses) Yuh know seh a soh mi lickle, puppy daag name to? Ah-rite back to di ting now. Soh when Bruno come aan im a sing bout “Locked Out Of Heaven.” Same time mi call back mi sista an ask har a wah year Bob did buss dah chune deh caah mi neva hear Bob a sing nutten bout Maasa Gad lack im outta heaven.

Boardlane TV: Well, that is not one of Bob’s songs. That is a Bruno Mars song.

Vivia: Dat is prexactly right! Dat a how comes mi get canfuse now caah mi tink a Bob dem a tribute. Fi tell yuh di troot, mi a look fi si Bruno tan up pan wan stool – to how im is a shorty-poop-stick, an play im guitar an sing some “Redemption Song.”  If im neva know noh Bob chune im coulda Google an fine wan an practice fi sing it. Dat lickle, tumpa foot bway is very slack an outta arda fi a come pan Bob tribute tribute a promote fi im chune. Dat is RENKNISS! An mi nat very pleased!

Boardlane TV: Well, it is fair to say you don’t approve. Does anyone standing around here think that the tribute was done fairly well? Sir, do you want to respond to that question?

Michael: Sistren, all now mi a wait pan di tribute. Di fus two weh come aan neva sing noh Bob chune soh when mi si Ri-Ri come out an a skank mi seh, ah-rite shi come wdi sinting good. But di more shi skank an a beat up har chess, all mi a si a di tattoo brazier shi a wear unda har shut. Mi chune har out sed time. All now mi cudden tell yuh weh shi sing seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir thanks. No one liked the tribute? How about when the Marley brothers performed?

Felicia: (Steps forward) Well Ziggy coulda paas. At least im sing wan a im faada sang dem. When Junior Gong come aan now, a some DJ bizness im a come wid an mek di whole a di people dem a di Grammy canfuse to backside! All Ellen DeGeneres tap dance an a look like – A weh di…??! When yuh si Ellen tap dance yuh muss know seh sinting is VERY wrang!

Donna: (Chimes in) And unu did si how Damian locks lang dung a grung? Mi did jus a pray seh im noh tan deh jump an land pan di locks an pitch ova an grung. A woulda dead wid laff to blousecut! Dat woulda mek di wait wortwhile.

Boardlane TV: So again, no one liked any of the tribute?

Jessica: Oh God. At least dem did try. Plus everybady did a drap asleep inna di room until dat part come aan. Everybady git up an a rock two side. Dung to my girl, Nicole Kidman did a try move, aldowe shi stiff like rigamortis set pan har. Shi a dance an a ongle di neck yuh si a move. Every weh else pan har bady refuse fi budge. Soh mi gi dem a lickle bly fi lively up di place.

Terrence: (Disagrees) No star! Mi naah gi dem noh bly a puss tail!  It did too blinking shart to! Mi waan fi know dis. If dem did a do wan tribute to Whitney Houston, dem woulda mek people goh up deh goh sing Brittany Spears sang? As far as mi si, a diss dem diss Bob. Di way how dem do di ting, dem coulda raise di man outta im grave fi  shat dem a carton bax an run dem affa di blurtnaught stage. Dem fi run weh wid dat sheggries!

Boardlane TV: Interesting. Thank you all for your candid remarks. It appears that the tribute may have not been well received by most Jamaican viewers. We hope that the Grammys will take another stab at a tribute worthy of praise the next time around. This has been Wendy reporting live from Atlanta. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  February 11, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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Volkswagen Super Bowl AD: Live from Negril (Jamaican Sketch)

Boardlane TV reporting live from the beaches of Negril, where we are here to get the reactions of Jamaicans on the controversial Volkswagen ad that has been causing a stir in the U.S. Some  critics have described the pregame Super Bowl ad from Volkswagen of America as offensive and culturally insensitive. Some will say, it depends who you talk to, so let us find out how these folks in tourist town, feel about it.  

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, Mister. Have you heard of the new Volkswagen ad that has been causing quite a buzz in the United States?

Bugzy: Yeah man. Di ad have a cool vibes still. Weh dem a try show people seh is dat nutten too tough noh badda we Jamaicans, yuh si mi? If wi noh have food fi eat, wi jus pap big smile an gwaan pose aff wid white squall pan wi mout carna sed way. If wata lack aff… no problem man…wi jus wait til when rain start fall fi ketch a bade. A soh wi dweet!

Boardlane TV:  So you endorse the happy-go-lucky vibe the ad portrays of Jamaicans and you believe that is a good thing for the car company?    

Bugzy: Moas definitely caah fram dem naah talk bout how wi a tief an smoke ganja, mi cool wid it. More time di white people dem too uptight, fi real. Like all di man inna di en bout im a look pan watch an a race up di man bout im late. Jamaican people noh watch clack dem way deh. Mi glad when Dave tell im fi chill out im blurtneet self, bout im a look pan watch. If a mi did a run dah ad deh, mi mek Dave come outta di cyar an shat im bax mek im dizzy! A soh wi dweet.  Maximum rispec to Dave an di crew, fi real.

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your candor, young man. Good afternoon sir, as a food vendor here in Negril  I am sure you meet a lot of tourist day-to-day. What do you think of Volkswagen’s portrayal of Jamaicans using a white man from Minnesota?

Macka Beard:  Di advertizment wikid! Hey, yuh know seh mi know dah bredda deh inna di commercial?

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) You do?

Macka Beard: Yeah man, Dave come on yah nuff time an orda two fish an bammy fram mi more time. Im come a yaad every holiday fi soak up some sun. A mi artical dat!

Boardlane TV:  But do you realize the gentleman is an actor and “Dave” is not his real name? Are you sure you are not mistaking him for someone else?

Macka Beard: Yow, yuh a tek big man fi fool? Mi seh a mi idren DAVE weh come fram Mannasotta weh come a mi food stan all di while!

Boardlane TV: The name of the State is Minnesota, sir.  Min-nes-ota.

Macka Beard: Mannasotta.. Minnesota.. wah di difference? Mi a try show yuh seh a dah same man deh come drink two Red Stripe wid mi all di while. Im use to walk all bout pan di beach wid im face lang dung til mi haffi show im seh im fi tun im frown in a smile an noh tek noh stress. Si dem all a use it inna di commercial. A mi all teach im fi chat like yaad man, soh mi noh know weh yuh a come questian mi bout.  

Boardlane TV: OK, OK. I am not going to argue with you, sir. Have a good day. (Calling out ) Mister, could you give us a few minutes?  Have you heard of the VW ad that is being debated in the news lately?

Reggie: Yes lady! Mi si di ad a run pan di news an dem a seh some farrin people seh it racist an dem ting deh.

Boardlane TV: Do you agree with that?

Reggie: No Star! Di ad ah-rite but a di cyar dem mi noh like. Dem deh blastid VW always a bruck dung wid people a road to bloodbawt. Yuh know seh mi did have wan inna ‘88 weh wi use to call “Buggy.”  Memba dem? Mi seh as mi drive aff fi bout 2 minute, di flipping cyar cut aff an a cough like it a choke. Den it alone coulda kill ten tousen maskita wid di amount a smoke weh a falla back a it.

Boardlane TV: Well, that was back then. I think they have better cars these days.

Reggie: Mi noh care weh dem waan seh inna dem commercial, mi naah buy noh more VW a bombeet! Dem coulda tun dem frown inna smile til di sun tun red, mi naah buy none! But mi still tink di commercial tun up!

Boardlane TV: Well, glad you see things in some positive light. Thanks and have a good day.  

Norma: (Walking along as she yells) PEPPA SWIMPS! FIFTY DALLA  gi yuh a bag!  PEPPA SWIMPS!

Boardlane TV: (Waving) Hello miss. Come here for a minute, love.

Norma: (Excited) Peppa swimps, lady?

Boardlane TV: No, no. Just want ask a question. Boardlane TV here and we are live on air.

Norma: (Patting her hair down) Lawd Gad lady! Afta mi hair noh comb. Mi cyaan deh pan TV wid mi head tan soh!   

Boardlane TV: You look fine. Wanted to ask you if you heard about the Super Bowl ad from Volkswagen and what’s your take on it. Is it controversial to you?

Norma: Oh! Yuh talk bout di ad wid di hurry-come-up man weh a tell people inna im workplace seh dem fi tap mek up dem face like sour puss an bi happy? Mi like it man! Mi jus glad dem neva mek im wear wan a dem hat wid di fake rasta dread a heng aff pan it. A dat time mi woulda cuss! Mi cyaan bare si di sinting pan di white people dem head.

Boardlane TV: So no controversy at all for you?

Norma: No, Miss TV lady. Nutten noh wrang wid it. An wan neda ting mi glad fah, is dat dem neva play noh Bob Marley chune inna di background. Marley music sweet an all but a full time odda people get a buss. Mi did love fi hear when Jimmy Cliff come aan. Mi all did figet seh im a smaddy to how dem live pan Bob Marley. Every blastid commercial dem do a farrin is bare: (singing)  One love, one heart… Let’s get together and feel all right… Cho! Mi tiyad a dat rahtid now man. VW to di worrrll! A soh wi seh!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) So funny. We thank you for your remarks.

Norma: Soh wait deh. Yuh naah buy wan Peppa swimps fram mi?

Boardlane TV: OK. I’ll have one for you being such a good sport. But in the meantime, let me turn it back to our studios. This has been Wendy reporting live from Negril. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.

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© Written by Joelle C. Wright  January 31, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:



Tonight is must-see TV! It is the night Americans find out who has been elected president.  But Jamaicans may have other viewing preferences. Boardlane TV obtains insights on how Jamaicans view President Barack Obama and his Republican challenger Mitt Romney.

Boardlane TV: Hello, Wendy coming to you live from Cross Roads where I am soliciting the views of members of the public as to who they think will emerge winner when Americans cast their votes and the results announced. I am starting with a lovely young lady who seems to be excited. Will you be watching the results as the come in?

Tasha: Den mi noh muss watch weh a gwaan pan di farrin election! Mi noh want a soul tell mi how it did goh. Mi waan seet live an direct pan mi cola TV fi miself. Mi set up mi two dutchie pat ready fi tonight.

Boardlane TV: You are in for all night cooking to watch?

Tasha: No lady! A wah do yuh? Di pat cova a fi when dem declare ‘Bama di winna an mi set out pan di road a lick mi dutchie pat cova an a fling up mi frack tail inna di air an a galang like ole naygah!

Boardlane TV: OK love, just make sure you wear clean underwear. Sir just a moment, will you be tuned into the US Presidential elections tonight?

Tony: No, enoh sistren. I man cyaan watch cauzen seh dem cut aff mi cable fram wah day.  Mi inna wan nex bine caah JPS ketch mi a tief light fram ova di school an nat even local statian mi ago get fi watch. Mi bex noh blurtseed! But mi wi try ketch some a it pan di radio statian dowe ..if di battery dem hole out. Bless up!  (He walks away)

Boardlane TV: I guess he is out of luck tonight. Blue shirt! Over here, please. Who will you be rooting for in this year’s US Presidential election?

Bruck Packet: Obama wi seh still! Hope seh Obama tun up di ting caah it would be more easia fi Jamaica fi continue fi have good trade relations wid di US. A nuff tings wi export to  farrin weh Mitt Money naah defen. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Like what soh?

Bruck Packet: Mitt Money a talk some way like seh im noh have noh rispec fi weh wi a cantribute to di ‘Merican society. Look how much tings wi bring a farrin come show dem. A wi show dem how fi do di dalla wine. Yuh eva a watch Beyonce a bubble pan stage? A yaad shi bring dat fram enoh! Look all pan di amount a renta yam dem man a buy up jus troo dem a try cultivate di nex Bolt. If a neva fi wi ‘Merican people noh get fi wear rasta tam wid fake locks. Straight! Dem deh kine a export wi still gwaan unda Obama. A soh mi seet.

Boardlane TV: Wow that was very educational.  Never knew those things played such a key role in the US. OK young man, what say you about this election? Who do you want to win?

Terrence: (Gun finger in the air) Barack to di weerlll wi seh!! Di man weh a challenge im a gwaan like seh im noh rate immigrants.Yet still wi dun know seh im have quarta dozen Mexicans a rake up wan bag a harse dee-dee a im yaad. Unu news people fi goh check it out. Mi bet  unu two fowl outta mi fowl coob seh im have some man a pay unda di table fi wipe di harse dem backside as dem drap a load.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) You don’t say? Not sure we can look into that but well stated. Sir, will you be watching the results of the US election?

Wolfie Den mi noh muss watch dat man! Boss man, Obama all the way wi seh! A black man time now!

Boardlane TV: So  is your support for him because he is African American?

Wolfie: Well is nat jus troo im black man still. But di man a daag heart mi a tell yuh. All dem adda white man noh wikid like im. Man a pap shat inna every man head lef an right. Di pirates dem who tek hostage get  dem head lick aff. Im pap a coppa shat right troo Bin Laden yeye. Libya man all get duss out. A black man fi run di tings caah if a man come tess, im get im dead. All Mitt a come wid is a bag a mout talk a folda fulla ooman. Weh dat can do?

Boardlane TV: Nothing I suppose. Well it seems Jamaicans have taken one side of this election and is in support of the current President. We will be watching as the votes are tallied and a President declared. This is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  May 10, 2012

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

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