Ms JA, Kaci Fennell Places 5th: Jamaicans React (Funny Spoof)

In a stunner on January 25, Miss Jamaica, Kaci Fennell was shut out of the top three despite being one of the competition’s front-runner. Supporters gathered in Half-way-Tree square were “jaw-dropped” when they saw their beloved Kaci drop to fifth place. Boardlane TV was on location to get a few reactions.

Boardlane TV: Hello to our viewers. I am here with a visible upset fan of Kaci Fennel. She doesn’t look happy…Miss, can you tell us what you are feeling now?

Suzy: (Shaking her head) Anybady si dis blasted foolishness a gwaan uppa farrin?! How dem fi mek di lilly gyal come dead laas an shi soh lickle bit an cute?

Boardlane TV: She technically did not come “dead laas”, miss. She was placed fifth. That is quiet an accomplishment, don’t you think?

Suzy: (Holding up 5 fingers) Lady… is five smaddy did tan up deh an fram dem lick har out a di competition, to mi dat mean shi come dead laas! Jamaican people noh use to dem tings yah. Wi noh enta nutten an come dead laas. Nat a mumma backside! Nutten more dan a wan lang hair smaddy dem did waan win again! Dem mek mi tomach sick!

Boardlane TV: Never mind darling. It could have been worst. I am going to move on to this young man who is still jubilating despite the placement of Kaci. Sir, why are you so happy?

Fur Cat: (Grinning) Mi cyaan feel a way fi how lickle Miss Muffet represent Jamaica. My girl sell aff! Wan time mi si Kaci a wink pan di camera an mi hawt start gallop like race harse… mi swear a mi shi a wink affa. Kaci noh tap seduce mi wid har dreamy yiye dem. Mi soh glad mi lef mi ooman a di yaad caah shi woulda tek jealousy an start pure war out yah tinite. Mi ago sleep good tonight. Noh worry yuhself.

Boardlane TV: I see. Glad you got your fix for the night. Now Miss, come over here and talk to the viewers. How are you taking this major upset?

Babzy: (Face wrenched) IT HAT MI! It hat mi soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi know is dis ting hat mi an it ago hat mi fi a very lang time.

Boardlane TV: Why are you so hurt?

Babzy: Mi cyaan explain odda dan it HAT mi! Mi noh waan nobaddy ask mi nutten else caah it HAT mi bad! Mi noh have nutten else fi seh.

Boardlane TV: Well, it should be clear to our viewers that this truly “hat yuh.” Thanks for the comment. Now Miss come over here and talk to the viewers. What is your take on the outcome?

Hilda: (Holding back tears) Personally, mi tink dem teif Kaci an mi believe seh Miss Columbia teet too big fi win beauty contest. When shi smile di whole a di teet tek up di screen an look how big disyah screen bi.

Boardlane TV: I think she is a beautiful young lady, no?

Hilda: (Kiss teet) Shi noh betta looking dan fi wi gyal! Mi have cow weh smile betta dan har. Mi did preffa Kaci teet, pose an frack – everything pan har set good. Dem too bloody teif! Dem judge deh waan dash weh! Dats why di people dem boo dem backside. Di blasted lot a dem cyaan even chat good English mek people get fi undastan weh di r@@s dem a seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok then, miss. Thanks for speaking so candidly. How about you sir, what is your take?

Sam: As far as mi si Kaci win! Noat a soul a chat bout Miss Columbia.. everybody fram coast to coast, a Kaci name gaan a lead. Shi a di only wan inna di top 5 weh did have personality an helegance. Di ress a dem did stiff like boad. Only wan ting did hole Kaci back fram tek di crown.

Boardlane TV: What do you think held her back?

Sam: Mi tink troo shi have fine foot shi cudden tan up pan dem good. Kaci foot dem noh bigga dan fi maskita. Shi did a wobble wan an two time til all wan time shi nearly pitch ova pan di stage. Gad know mi glad shi neva drap caah mi noh know if di foot dem wudden bruck to rahtid.

Boardlane TV: Hmmn. That never came to mind but thank you sir. Come here lovey. You are dying to talk to us. What do you have to say?

Carmen: Mi seh lady I neva si nutten bun mi soh! Some a dem ooman deh nat even shoulda come even near Kaci to bird beak. Di lickle cranky wan from Ukraine a come a talk bout fi har country give army to di world. A wah kina fawt dat?! Well shi an dat deh army can goh siddung an hole a medz caah dat noh mek it. Miss Netherlands she look like shi shoulda have wan bress pump set fi har roun a di back caah shi did look very milky uppa tap deh. Mi naah lie. Di ti-ti dem swell up soh til di poor frack did a strain unda di pressure.

Boardlane TV: Wow! You are not holding back. You don’t think you are being harsh?

Carmen: Lady I am tawking di troot dat I feel inna mi hawt. Miss Columbia nice an ting mi tink dem only gi har di crown caah shi have nearly eleventeen bredda an sistas an dem look hungry. A dats why shi win. Mi bex lik bull frag! Kaci shoulda come up betta dan dat. An mi naah stap seh soh!

Boardlane TV: Well, there you have it all. On a whole we can say that these supporters are truly disappointed that despite her valiant effort, Miss Jamaica did not place higher in the competition. On behalf of Baordlane TV we wish Kaci Fennel well in her future endeavors. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studio

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Jan 26, 2015

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

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