Excerpt: A Soh It Goh!

Mix Up and Blenda: 334 Morebrooke Lane

Following up on his bet he made with his friends, the next day finds Dean sitting in his bedroom clutching his cell phone as he nervously decides whether he should call the house at 334 Moorebrook Lane. He had the late Miss Delsie’s phone number stored in his phone as he would check on her many times before she died. He searches for the programmed number in his phone and takes a nervous breath and makes the call.

Sasha: (Answers the phone) Haaaaalo….who dis? Chat to mi!

Dean: Hey, is dis di nice an fresh bashy lady dat move in yestiday?

Sasha: Yah man, a mi same wan. Fresh an green like money machine. Is who dis?

Dean: Dis is Dean from dung a 338. Jus two house down fram yuh. What is your name sweetniss?

Sasha: Well mi bawn name Sashanna but yuh can call mi Sasha. Dat spell S-A-S-H-A. Nutten mi hate more dan smaddy cyaan spell mi name right.

Dean: Mi hear yuh sistren. Mi was a top knatch spelling bee champian from basic school days soh mi feel yuh pan dat. But a noh school bizness mi cawl yuh bout still.

Sasha: Oh! Is dat so?

Dean: Yes, dat is so. Troo mi cyaan talk certain tings roun di lane too tough mongst di faas people dem, mi decide fi cawl yuh in private.

Sasha: Why yuh noh jus tap di small talk and get to what yuh want? Mi a bwail some cornmeal parridge an mi noh waan mi pat bun up pan mi, soh beg yuh hurry up an seh weh yuh haffi seh an come affa mi phone!

Dean: Easy noh sistren. Ease up lickle man. Cho! A lang time mi noh gi a nice girl a wan talk. Goh easy wid mi man. Anyway, mi jus a try si if mi an yuh can link up fi do di ting dat big people do inna di dawk. Yuh ketch mi driff?

Sasha: But yuh brite an bumptious noh bway?! Anyway, mi like yuh still. A soh mi like when a man jus come live an direct an noh beat roun noh bush.

Dean: Soh…soh dat mean yuh ago gi mi a piece a di saltfish?

: I suppose so. How about yuh come check mi roun two minute paas midnight at my place lickle layta, ah-rite?

Dean: Really baby love? Den a soh yuh CHEAP?! …uhmmm…mi mean…a soh yuh SWEET?!

Sasha: You jus mek sure yuh noh show up late cause I have a ting gainst ghetto people who cyaan tell time. I will be waiting. (She abruptly hangs up the phone)

That night Dean arrives at 334 Moorebrook Lane after midnight. Sasha unlocks the grill doors and invites him in. She leads Dean into her bedroom as he gapes at her curves spilling through her pink see-through night gown hovering above her knees. The two sit side-by-side on an untidy queen-size bed. As adrenaline rushes through his veins, Dean becomes drenched with perspiration.

Sasha: Oye maasa, is why yuh a sweat like hog soh?! I hope yuh naah goh drip sweat all ova mi when yuh a do di ting enoh. Anyhow yuh wet up mi wig tinite yah, a gi yuh some bitch tump weh noh stap yah soh!

Dean: (Wiping sweat from his forehead) Sarry bout dat! Mi heart jus a beat faas cause mi a tense up. But mi ah-rite sweets. (Unbuttoning his shirt) Soh yuh ready fi do dis?

Sasha: Ready as can be. Wait, mek mi tek aff mi nighty an mi wig. (She undresses and then places her wig on the nightstand) Come now. Hangle yuh bizness! An mi hope yuh know weh yuh a do an nobadda come batta-batta up mi soulcase. Awoh!

The two lie on the bed and after a few minutes of clumsy foreplay, they are enthralled in lustful intimacy. While he furiously pummels Sasha, Dean shamelessly brags about his prowess amidst his groans of pleasure.

Dean: Aaahh sweetie-pie…woooooooo. Dat is my spot right dere soh. Yeahhhh baaby. Mi a di King fi tek dis crown. (He continues to praise himself during the act) Yeeeeessss …mi have di right anaconda fi do di wok …yeahhh. Oooo yes, look how mi abs tight like bad man fist …oooo! Ongly mi alone have di good winery. Mi a worl class maraton runna baabby. Mi a geet to yuh sweet. Mi know yuh love it baby …wooooooo.

Sasha: (Pulls at his ears) HEY! Easy ediat! A weh di rahtid yuh a do?! If yuh ago talk bout yuhself all dyam night, slow dung an annunciate yuh words dem prapaly! Matta a fact, when yuh dun do weh yuh a do, mek mi know. Yuh boring noh puss jook! Mi gaan hole a sleep. (She closes her eyes and lays still)

Dean is not bothered by her not participating in the act. He feels no shame and continues to enjoy himself. After reaching his peak moment, he smiles contentedly knowing he has achieved his goal of being the newcomer’s first lover on Morebrook Lane. He puts on his clothes and escorts himself out of the house, leaving behind Sasha fast asleep and snoring in bed.

A month goes by when Sasha begins to feel lethargic and nauseous. She has no clue why she feels ill and decides she must consult a health professional. She knows the nurse mid-wife who lives across from her house and decides to pay her a visit.

Sasha: (Banging her fist against the door) Nurse Beckford!! Open up!! Mi sick, mi sick, mi sick like a dawg! Help mi! Do!

Nurse Beckford: (Peering through the door) Is wah wrang wid yuh young miss?

Sasha: Mi a vamit up di place fram mawning Nurse Beckford. Mi yeye dem a tun ova inna mi head! Mi notice seh all mi nose a spread weh like cable! Mi belly a hat mi an every ting pan mi a swell up!

Nurse Beckford: Lawd a mercy! Gyal pickney, mi have news fi yuh. YUH PRIGNANT!!

Sasha: (Shocked) Look yah Nurse Beckford, mine mi haffi fling two bakkle in yah enoh. Noh tell mi soh!

Nurse Beckford: Tan deh! Lickle bit fram dis di ongly backle yuh ago fling, is wan baby nipple backle. All mi can advise yuh is fi get ready fi canstipation, gas pain, excess wata, swell up nipple, mood swing an stretch mark pan yuh belly! Mi sarry fi yuh. By di way, is which wan a di bway dem yuh mek fat yuh up? Noh tell mi seh a di carelis bway Dean weh walk up an dung pan street a sell Kisko-pop!

Sasha: Lawd Nurse Beckford, I doan even know. Mi an Dean did deh, but couple time Fridge get a slam. But anyway, mi have a strang feeling seh di belly belong to Dean dowe.

Nurse Beckford: Soh what yuh gwine do now mi dear? Nobadda goh dash weh di belly before it harvest enoh! Dem church people roun yah wi nail yuh pan crass if dem hear seh yuh a walking cemetery!

Sasha: Mi jus haffi goh tell Dean bout it an tell im seh him haffi marrid mi, cause im naah lef mi wan fi mine noh pickney. Tank yuh very much Nurse Beckford. Mi ago straight uppa Dean yaad now fi goh gi im di news.

Sasha leaves and heads towards Dean’s house. She spots him playing football with his gang of friends. She calls out to him:

Sasha: Dean! YOW DEAN! Yuh noh hear mi a cawl yuh, rabbit ears bway?!

Dean: Weh yuh want?!  How yuh jus a fallah back a big man soh dutty foot gyal?!

Sasha: A small lickle ting jus come up an mi waan tell yuh bout it.

Dean: Well talk quick! Yuh jus come yah a instrafere wid big man football game. Cho!

Sasha: (Yells in his ears) MI A CARRY BELLY FI YUH MAINGY BWAY! Goh tell yuh madda seh yuh haffi marrid mi now cause mi a carry har gran-pickney!

Shocked by what they overheard, Dean’s friends bring their football game to a screeching halt. Dean stands astonished and dismayed much to the amusement and derision of his friends.

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