Boardlane TV has learned that BP has solicited an expert group of Jamaicans to assist with the clean up efforts of the massive oil spill off the Gulf of Mexico. Boardlane TV has exclusive video of the meeting that took place between the Jamaicans and BP at the site of the disaster and the results of their work.
BP Official: We thank you all for coming to our aid to clean up this mess. We can’t say enough to express our gratitude.
Ratcliff: No prablem Man. Wi noh really need fi hear nutten bout noh gravitrude right yah now. All wi jus waan hear is how much di work ago pay, zeen?
BP Official:Well, our corporate office is thinking $US500 a day per person. What you think about that?
Ratcliff: Sey wah?? What I tink is dat yuh is a blastid criminal an tief! Yuh tek big man fi fool? Yuh know how much wi pay fi di plane drive fi come yahso fi wok fi dat deh lickle bit a money? Look yah sar – 500 dalla cyan feed my 7 pickney and tree more wey mi expec fram Patsy, Michelle and Beverly.
BP Official: Ok then, name your price. At this point we will pay anything to get this mess of our hands. Give me a price.
Ratcliff: Hole an mek a confulscate wid mi betren dem mek mi hear weh dem a sey.
BP Official: Confulscate?? What does that mean in English?
Ratcliff: Imagine dat eeh!! Ah di fuss mi a meet wan Hinglish smaddy who noh undastan standard plain Hinglish. Dat mean mi ago get a kanstitutian fram di ressa di crew. Yuh get dat now Missa suit an tie?
BP Official: Whatever you say mon.
Ratcliff: Yow ButtaTeet, TipyToe, BalheadDread rope in! How much unu tink wi fi demands fi disyah work? A nuff aile out yah still an dem lickle English tite @$$ dem noh know wey dem a do out yah.
ButtaTeet: Di way mi seet, dis ago cast dem bout 2 case a Guinness.
BalheadDread: Hey bway yuh a ediat? Go wey bout yuh 2 case Guinness. Ratcliff, tell di man sey wi ago tek 20 lb a high grade weed fi do di wok yuh hear sah.
TipyToe: Kiss mi rahtid …mi cyan believe mi earsole. Unu is set a blastid ediat – A MONEY WI A DEFEN! Ratcliff, yuh si wah mek mi did tell yuh fi lef dem two jack@$$ yah a dem yaad? Tell di man wi ago charge US1.5 miyion dallas. It goh soh!
Ratcliff: How much hundred dalla bill ina dat Tipy?
TipyToe: A mi yuh a ask? A dat mi hear JayZ and Beyonce a mek soh dat soun like di sed amount wi fi ask fah. Plus di sun hat out yah man. Wi fi get compenstition fi dat to. Trus mi!
Ratcliff: Arite mek a run it by bossman an si wey im a deal wid. (He summons the BP official) Mista suit and tie come ova yahso sar…
BP Official: Yes Mister Ratcliff, I take it you all came up with a price.
Ratcliff: Yes sar. Mi betren dem come up wid a bargain deal betta dan di price fi a Elvis jacket. Wi a tink bout 1.5 miyion . Tell mi sey dat a noh wan wikid deal?!
BP Official: Bloody Hell! What do you Jamaicans think this is – a casino heist?
Ratcliff: Mine how yuh a talk loud enoh Mista suit an tie! If yuh naah let aff di 1.5 miyion mi can goh back a mi yaad cause mi have wan Mavado stage show uppa Halfway-Tree square fi goh. Wi noh havi dey yah soh a lay, lay wid yuh.
BP Official: Alright, alright! Bloody Hell Pals – Ya’ killing me here. Ok, we can get the money together. What kind of equipment you people have to clean this up anyway?
BalheadDread: A wah do dis white man iyah? Equipment? Yaad man noh use noh Babylon machine fi do manual labor. Wi have natural tings dat wi guarantee fi soak up dis ting in bout hour an half taps!
BP Official: Oh Yeah? And what’s that may I ask?
ButtaTeet: 200 carton bax a hair weave sar? Di natural type… good, good Yaki bran made in China.
BP Official: Huh? What di bloody hell you all talking about? Hair weave? Is this what you want me to pay millions of dollars for? You take this thing for a joke?
Ratcliff: Hey sah… mine yuh buss a shut button. Relax yuh self. Yuh neva si how hair weave can soak up aile yet? Why yuh tink yuh si di ooman dem a walk round wid dry head bout di place? As dem dash lickle ail ina dem head.. di weave nyam dat up like nutten neva goh in dey fram di day di weave patch in. Is dats why di gyal dem head dry like cocknat brush soh!
ButtaTeet: Trus wi Mista BP, it ago work man. None a fi unu hi-tech sinting naah wok anyway. An fi wi plan come wid a zero pint naught percent money back guarantee.
BP Official: You people had better know what you are doing because my *ss is on the line for this and you people told me you could get this problem fixed.
TipyToe: Well count yuh blessings. Yuh noh gat noh *ss behine yuh, soh yuh noh have nutten fi loose.
BP Official: You can make jokes all you want. Tell me how is this thing going to work now?
BalheadDread: A simple ting dread. Wi ago tek a small boat outta sea an dash in di weave dem ova which part di aile a swim. Den wi jus watch di weave swallow up di aile. When wi dun, wi jus crape up back di weave dem an put dem ina scandal bag.
BP Official: Ok, then how do you get rid of the oil soaked hair when it’s all done?
TipyToe: Get ridda? A wah do dis bredda yah? Wi a carry dem back to di Rock goh sell dem pan di black market! Yuh know how much money di skettel dem wi pay fi a ready made ail sheen weave?
BalheadDread: Yeah Man. A dat wi call hampa-try-nurship iyah! Wi ago promote di stappage a dry head pan di island, yuh noh seeit. Wi ago tell wi customas dem sey di weave dem come well priserve wid “Aile of the Bay”. Woooiiii! Yes Iyah! A big tings!
BP Official: You people are nuts! OK get to work. Let’s just see if this madness you are talking about works.
The three men took off in the ocean spreading bundles of hair in the ocean. The BP officials using binoculars watched from the pier hoping that the Jamaicans had finally found the cure for their misery.
Three hours past and the oil appeared to be subsiding. The news of the success spread across the airways and crews from CNN, MSNBC and CSPAN started filming the work of the Jamaicans. The BP officials were amazed at the speed at which the hair weaves sucked the oil from the ocean and began to throw high fives all around. The US was in a euphoria singing the praises of the Jamaicans as they came back to shore to a jubilant BP officials and TV crew.
BP Official: I cannot believe it!! You guys did it!! Only you Jamaicans would think of such an ingenious plan. Bravo to you my friends!
Ratcliff: Wi did tell unu sey a simple ting dis man. Unu dash wey dem dey big ole ugly machine wey noh have noh use. An by di way gi wi di money mek wi get fi goh bout wi business
BP Official: As you say in Jamaica – No Problem Mon. The cash is right over here for you. You can count it all if you want
BalheadDread: But Kiss mi gyal renking meat! A soh much money mek up 1.5 miyion?? No star, wi cyan count up dem deh money yahsoh. Eeehm…Is nat dat wi cyan count but mi noh able fi disyah breeze blow weh di whole a wi money a sea. Wi trus yuh sey it all dey dey bossman. Rispec!
BP Official: Thank you all for this once again. Our company is forever indebted to you.
CNN Reporter: Hey Jamaicans! One moment please, we have someone who wants to talk to you by phone.
Ratcliff: Kiss mi Nike boot! A mi baby madda Patsy dat a call mi already? I doan know why mi goh tek up wid dat graven lizzad lip gyal enoh!
CNN Reporter : I don’t know who Patsy is sir. It’s President Obama wanting to congratulate you and your team and thank you all for a job well done sir.
Ratcliff: Tell Obama sey mi wi chat to im wan neda time. Im tink mi noh hear bout im pan Fax cable news? Imma wan blastid ginal! A waan im waan come tax wi money fi goh bail out Toyata outta fi dem prablem. Im naah get none a dis a baxide!
CNN Reporter: Huh? Did anybody catch what the heck he just said?
© Joelle “Wendy” Wright