Bus Driver: (speaking on the intercom) Good marning an welcome to bus numba 40, running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct unu attention to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model features.
Conductor: Hail up massive! We want you to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan di di Papine to Down Town route. Dis mogle bus is owned and operated by Rough Rider transports Dis mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu can si, dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff time an it still a drive like new! This bus seats up to 55 passengers, howeva, due to our commitment to excellent service, wi do not leave anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up top 140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town.
During di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences. These are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out “Lard Jesas mi dead now!” – our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure di axle an wheel noh bruck aff inna wan a dem. But incase wi drap inna wan a dem pathole deh an cyaan come out, please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus fare…I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45.
This bus is not equipped with seat belts. Please hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide dung inna dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side. Our seating passengers may experience standing passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu . Please do not yell out “Hey batty bway, come off a mi r*ss lap!” Dat may cause a serious shoot out!
When unu coming aff di bus, please don’t expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di bus step skillfully. If unu drap an lan pan unu backside an bruck unu *ss, Rough Rider noh response.
This is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta fact, wi stop any which part wi waan. Wi stop at every yaad gate – all inna miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police. Incase of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase di normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout til wi drive weh lef di Babylon bway dem. Incase di bus get hijacked by a terrorist known as “pick pocket” – hole di bway an murda im to r*ss.
Finally, if wi reach Down Town inna one piece, please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung before unu can get off. Noh mine dem …unu hafi undastan seh seat kina ration. Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider bus pon di route and hope you enjoy di ride. DRIVA – PRESS OUT!!
© Joelle “Wendy” Wright