Excerpt: A Soh Wi Do It!

Mix Up and Blenda: Earl & Enid’s Wedding Day


Upon seeing the bride exit the taxi, the wedding party got into their places. At the sound of the piano keys, the bridal party marched through the aisle waving and winking at the admiring guests. One of the bridesmaids tries hard to control her knees from knocking together, to no avail. The inward twisting of her knees interferes with the rhythm of the march. The wedding party: Delvina, Lorna, Neville, Barry, Maid of Honor Carmen and Best Man Dwayne, align themselves in the front of the church as the Pastor signals the bride to make her appearance. Then with one loud strike of the piano key, the guests rise to their feet.

Denton: (Folding her hand under his arm) Ah-rite Enid, your time now. Yuh ready? Lef foot fus. NOH DAT LEF – di odda one!

Enid: Tek time wid mi noh man! Mi nervous soh til mi feel fi wet up miself. Cho! Ah-rite, mi ready now.

As the bride and her give-a-way march down the aisle, some of her judgmental guests grudgingly critique her as they look on:

Judith: Eeh eeh, what a gyal head tan bad! A dat Lorna do wid Enid head? Bugga! If dem did mek mi do har hair as a hexperience bootishan an barba shi woulda look more beautifishious fi har wedding. Look how har head fayva like seh fowl did a scratch out di front fi fine place fi lay egg.

Carol: Sshhh!! Tap yuh nize noh gyal! Neva mine har head. Lorna neva do a bad job. Lorna seh shi have a Bachelas degree inna hair creaming. Is jus dat Enid head tough an it noh tek crème good.

Judith: Well di special tanic mi use inna my crème coulda tendarize dat tough head betta dan dat.

Maxine: But Judit’, mi tink it did betta shi did goh a my hairdressa. Dat ooman do hair good, an all yuh haffi do is tip har wid a bucket a Kentucky Fry Chicken. Shi woulda all touch up har roots dem an sprinkle lickle bit a silva glitta inna har head mek shi look like smaddy.

Judith: Lissen to mi Maxine, shet yuh mout bout goh a fi yuh hairdressa. Nobadda come try spwail up my bizness. At least mi wouden bun up Enid farrid like how fi yuh hairdressa bun up fi yuh!

Fae: Mi raah! Unu look deh! Den a who stitch dat deh wedding frack? Afta it noh tan good pan har.

Carol: (Defensive) How yuh mean? Dat come straight from mi boo-ti-que line. Dat a di lates lick name ‘Eggsup An Brite’. All Earl a wear some a mi ‘Leggo Mi Balls’ pants line. Yuh noh si how dem look trash an ready!

Fae: (Laughing) Dem look like trash fi true. Mi noh know bout di ready part. Dat deh frack tail nat even hem straight. An a di fuss mi eva si smaddy sew white frack wid black tread. Sinting look ugly noh fawt.

Once at the end of the aisle, Denton gives his sister away to the groom. Earl takes the hands of his bride-to-be and they both face the Pastor. The Pastor, affectionately called, “Pastor Eddy”, with a cigarette barely balancing behind his earlobe, makes his opening remarks:

Pastor Eddy: Hear mi know massive an crew, wi a run late soh mi noh inna di lang tawking right now. Please put yuh hands tiggeda for our soloist, Mistress Karen Nelson, who shall sing an inspirational sang fi open up di wedding ceremony. UNU CLAP HAR!

Karen: (Stands beside the podium) Tank you Pasta Eddy. (She clears her throat and begins) Dis one reaching out to mi sistren Enid. Gi mi a ridim deh bands man!  Watch dis…it name…

Shi shi, shi gat di gun inna har panty
Shi shi, mine shi shoot yuh wid ie
Shi shi, shi gat di gun inna har panty
Shi shi, mine shi shoot yuh wid ie
Shi use to geet to rude bway Reggie
Im get Hess -Tee-Dee an Dacta cyaan cure ie…

The 5-piece band with its dub-based sound, supply the rhythm that naturally moves the guests to their feet. Karen’s solo energizes the packed church to begin to bubble and wine with cigarette lighters lit, swinging side to side above their heads.

Pastor Eddy: (In the background shouting) WHEEL!! A BIG CHUNE!! MORE FIYAH!!  WHEEL AN COME AGAIN SISTA!!

Karen wraps up her solo selection and heads back to her seat in the midst of a resounding applause from the delighted guests and Pastor.

Pastor Eddy: Yes sexy…uhhmm mi mean Sista Karen. Dat was a wikid selection fi real! Trus mi! Anyway, breddas, sistas, comman-laws, skettels an all careliss maties…ti-day is a very special day – halleluyah! Praises be to di Loooooord because on dis day – halleluyah! Mi say on dis day, we will be preparing to witness the holy matrimony of two a wi own. Tenk yuh Puppa Jesas! Tideh dis tyrant gyal gwine get marrid to di insect bway. Can I get a Amen?!

The Guests: (In unison) AMEN!

Pastor Eddy: Noting…mi say noting in dis worl of iniquity can stan in di way of dese two love birds as dem prepare fi lizard lap dem wan aneda. Tenk yuh Jesas! Mo’ fiyah…uhhmm I mean praise di Lord! If anybaddy in here know anyting dat can prevent dese two from jine up, please seh it now. An tek all di time in di worl caah dem a pay mi by di hour – halleluyah!

Whispers blanket the church as some anxiously look around to see if anyone would object to the union. A lady wearing a broad, pink feathered hat boldly raises her hand to speak:

Josephine: Yes Pastor Eddy, mi have sumting to seh. Unu jus betta tap dis yah pappy show right now caah anybady a goh marrid to Earl is me! IMAGINE mi tun mi back fi 2 minutes an dat bull frag yeye gyal Enid tief mi man an den a come marrid im aff. Naah sah, NUTTEN NAH GOH SOH!

Dwayne: (Steps out of formation) YES Josephine! Tawk di troot my girl! Dem mussi tek wi fi ediat! All di pramises weh dis dry foot gyal mek to mi, now shi a tawk bout marrid to Earl! Mi neva did even waan bi di meingy bway bess man enoh. Well mek mi tell unu sinting – NAT A WARRA-WARRA WEDDIN NAAH GWAAN AS LANG AS MI LIVIN!

Pastor Eddy: Hey wait a minute now. Miss lady have a seat, yuh broad hat blocking di view of di people in di back.  As a matta a fac, YOUR OBJECTIAN IS OVA RULED! An Mista Bess Man, how yuh a behave like a lickle sissy soh? Lord figiveth me. Troo di girl gi yuh a wan slap an shi neva like it yuh tun sour puss? Well di wedding a gwaan tideh yuh noh baas. Yuh si like how I man gamble out every penny to mi name, mi a get my money wort outta dis. By the way, yours truly is hosking di cangregation to please mek out unu church building fund donation checks toEddy dash Pinnock Incorporated Unlimited’. Gad wi bless unu.

Delvina: (Protesting) But si yah! A wedding dis or church a convention? Dis yah church dun buil fram 1967. Nat a ting lef fi buil pan it. Yuh tink wi noh know seh yuh a fraud Pastor Eddy?

Pastor Eddy: Sista, please spoke when you are speaken to. Yuh andastan standard patwa? Good! Now hush yuh mout an hole di bouquet an mine yuh mek di flowas dem drop out a grung.

Carmen: (Whispers in the bride’s ear) Lawd Enid, dis yah pastor a mad man to fawt. Yuh coulden fine smaddy else fi marrid yuh? All im good fah, a fi look up unda di sista dem frack tail. An look how im a stare dung inna yuh ti-ti dem.

Enid: (Whispers back) A di bess mi coulda do Carmen. Di ress a Pastor dem fram di community deh a jail fi children molestation.

Out of nowhere a foul odor seeps into the air from where the bridal party stood. The people closest to the stifling stench reacted with repugnance.

Delvina: (Covering her nose) A who jus poop man?!

Lorna: Sarry! Di presha pill dem weh Dacta gi mi have some side effect.

Pastor Eddy: (Fanning nose) Good Lawd Almighty! For dose who doan know what a gwaan up here, Sista Lorna jus cut a fawt! Unu praise di Lowd seh unu dung deh soh. Massi Jesas, di sinting TINK!

Earl: LAWD A MERCY! Can wi get back to di wedding PLEASE! Pastor hurry up an mek wi seh wi vows before dem people yah tek jealousy an mash up wi weddin!

Pastor Eddy: Bredrin, noh bawl offa a man of God like dat again before a bax yuh wid mi 2 by 4. Have paychence! Awoh! (Kiss Teet) As I was saying, Lord you are our rock! Lord tenk yuh fi di pretty girl dem yuh have siddung in a di front row! I wanna give a shout out to mi bredrin Pastor Willie of di Tird Circuit an Deacon Charlie from di Secon Baptist. Hol’ tight Deacon caah yuh know yuh is di choir girl dem shuga! Tenk yuh Jesas! Well bredda Early B, please to exchange yuh vows, an tawk loud soh di harda earring people a back can hear yuh.

Earl: (Turns towards the bride) Enid mi dawling, I promise to love an honor you all the days of my life. I promise to full up yuh belly wid plenty lickle childrens. I promise fi tek care a yuh hargasum as lang as yuh tek care a fi mi. I promise not to snore like a fog horn an kip yuh up all night lang. Dese tings I promise to you mi shuga plumps.

*** Read More In “A Soh Wi Do It!”

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