Tonight is must-see TV! It is the night Americans find out who has been elected president.  But Jamaicans may have other viewing preferences. Boardlane TV obtains insights on how Jamaicans view President Barack Obama and his Republican challenger Mitt Romney.

Boardlane TV: Hello, Wendy coming to you live from Cross Roads where I am soliciting the views of members of the public as to who they think will emerge winner when Americans cast their votes and the results announced. I am starting with a lovely young lady who seems to be excited. Will you be watching the results as the come in?

Tasha: Den mi noh muss watch weh a gwaan pan di farrin election! Mi noh want a soul tell mi how it did goh. Mi waan seet live an direct pan mi cola TV fi miself. Mi set up mi two dutchie pat ready fi tonight.

Boardlane TV: You are in for all night cooking to watch?

Tasha: No lady! A wah do yuh? Di pat cova a fi when dem declare ‘Bama di winna an mi set out pan di road a lick mi dutchie pat cova an a fling up mi frack tail inna di air an a galang like ole naygah!

Boardlane TV: OK love, just make sure you wear clean underwear. Sir just a moment, will you be tuned into the US Presidential elections tonight?

Tony: No, enoh sistren. I man cyaan watch cauzen seh dem cut aff mi cable fram wah day.  Mi inna wan nex bine caah JPS ketch mi a tief light fram ova di school an nat even local statian mi ago get fi watch. Mi bex noh blurtseed! But mi wi try ketch some a it pan di radio statian dowe ..if di battery dem hole out. Bless up!  (He walks away)

Boardlane TV: I guess he is out of luck tonight. Blue shirt! Over here, please. Who will you be rooting for in this year’s US Presidential election?

Bruck Packet: Obama wi seh still! Hope seh Obama tun up di ting caah it would be more easia fi Jamaica fi continue fi have good trade relations wid di US. A nuff tings wi export to  farrin weh Mitt Money naah defen. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Like what soh?

Bruck Packet: Mitt Money a talk some way like seh im noh have noh rispec fi weh wi a cantribute to di ‘Merican society. Look how much tings wi bring a farrin come show dem. A wi show dem how fi do di dalla wine. Yuh eva a watch Beyonce a bubble pan stage? A yaad shi bring dat fram enoh! Look all pan di amount a renta yam dem man a buy up jus troo dem a try cultivate di nex Bolt. If a neva fi wi ‘Merican people noh get fi wear rasta tam wid fake locks. Straight! Dem deh kine a export wi still gwaan unda Obama. A soh mi seet.

Boardlane TV: Wow that was very educational.  Never knew those things played such a key role in the US. OK young man, what say you about this election? Who do you want to win?

Terrence: (Gun finger in the air) Barack to di weerlll wi seh!! Di man weh a challenge im a gwaan like seh im noh rate immigrants.Yet still wi dun know seh im have quarta dozen Mexicans a rake up wan bag a harse dee-dee a im yaad. Unu news people fi goh check it out. Mi bet  unu two fowl outta mi fowl coob seh im have some man a pay unda di table fi wipe di harse dem backside as dem drap a load.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) You don’t say? Not sure we can look into that but well stated. Sir, will you be watching the results of the US election?

Wolfie:  Den mi noh muss watch dat man! Boss man, Obama all the way wi seh! A black man time now!

Boardlane TV: So  is your support for him because he is African American?

Wolfie: Well is nat jus troo im black man still. But di man a daag heart mi a tell yuh. All dem adda white man noh wikid like im. Man a pap shat inna every man head lef an right. Di pirates dem who tek hostage get  dem head lick aff. Im pap a coppa shat right troo Bin Laden yeye. Libya man all get duss out. A black man fi run di tings caah if a man come tess, im get im dead. All Mitt a come wid is a bag a mout talk a folda fulla ooman. Weh dat can do?

Boardlane TV: Nothing I suppose. Well it seems Jamaicans have taken one side of this election and is in support of the current President. We will be watching as the votes are tallied and a President declared. This is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  May 10, 2012

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!”

“A Soh It Goh!”

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/