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LIVE BROADCAST from the East Coast Earthquake Zone (Satire)

A strong earthquake in Virginia rattled the East coast Tuesday afternoon and sent out 5.9 seismic shock waves that were felt across the region. The quake prompted evacuations of office buildings and causing people to frantically run into the streets. Boardlane TV  is on the streets of Washington DC to obtain reactions from those scared individuals affected by the quake.

Boardlane TV: This is Boardlane TV reporting from the streets in Washington DC Metro area. We have with us here a construction worker who felt the quake  while doing construction on the road. Sir, tell us what happened when the quake hit.

Dennis: Well to tell yuh di troot mi neva know seh a earthquake enoh sistren. A dig mi a dig up di road wid a jackhamma an all of a sudden mi feel some breeda shaking an mi a seh to miself: “Blurtnaught! Dis yah jackhamma wiked noh blouse and skirt cause dung to di building dem a rakkle! When mi si di people dem a run out a di building mi drap di jackhamma an tek aff cause mi tink a mi dem a come affa fi a shake up di place soh. A friten yuh sheg!

Boardlane TV: So you actually thought the jackhammer was causing the tremors?

Dennis: Yes man! Cause mi set di ting pan buck an mi swear seh a it a mek di whole place a shake soh.  (Holding his crotch)  Mi bex still cause mi did well waan brag an boas to di ooman dem seh mi have di wikidess jackhamma, yuh noh seet.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, nice talking to you and sorry to disappoint you but you had nothing to do with the tremors. Miss, I am not sure why you are dressed like you are at the beach. Could you explain your attire?

Grace: Woooo… a weak , a weak , a weak soh til mi cyaan talk. Woooo… Miss TV lady, as dere is a Gad mi jus dun piss up miself! Mi was in di Old Navy inna di dressing room a try aan baatsuit cause mi plan fi goh Ochi nex week.  Mi jus put aan di baatsuit when di shaking start an mi tumble dung a grung. A tek foot an mi seh nat even Usian Bolt woulda ketch mi! Dats why yuh si mi yah inna baatsuit inna di miggle road. Lawd Gad ..mi all lef mi baggy an brazier  same place inna di store.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Excuse me for laughing, but that is a funny story. Are you planning on going back to retrieve your belongings?

Grace: MI?! Yuh mussi mad! Mi nat teking foot back inna dat place. Mi jus hope dem wi tek mi pan di bus inna di baatsuit wid di tag a heng aff sed way.  Disyah baatsuit cyaan sell again cause mi pee-pee inna it.  Lawd Gad… a weak soh til

Boardlane TV: All right mam.  Thanks to the quake you have a free swim suit. Have a good day. Mister, come here and have a talk with me. You seem a little dazed and confused. Are you Ok?

Dave: A di laas bombeet time mi a go drink a Bud Light pan mi lunch break! Mi noh know wey mi goh tek up miself a drink farrin liqua pan a day like dis. Mi seh lady, as mi dun drink aff di beer soh mi start wabble. Mi a wanda seh how dem seh di beer light an mi tuntid soh?! Mi tink a drunk mi drunk to faleetee! Kiss mi neck! Den mi si wan lady run ZOOPS! paas mi like lightning …an di breeze weh a falla back har lick mi ova. Mi seh Lawd Gad dis is it! Mi naah drink when sun hat again!   

Boardlane TV: So do you realize that it was no that you were drunk but it was in fact a quake?

Dave: It noh matta! Jus a cheap mi did drunk cause a di fus mi eva feel soh light inna mi head an giddy! Mi ah-rite dowe. But as Gad is my wikness mi naah touch noh more Bud Light!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, take care. Sir! You with the briefcase. How are you sir?

Milton: (Shaking) Lawd Jesas! Di place still a shake. Run fi yuh life lady! RUN MI SEH!

Boardlane TV: No sir, the quake is over. It is you that is still shaking. Calm down.

Milton: Oh a soh? Tank Gad. Well, how are you my dear? I am Milton Jackson from the department of Homeland Security. It was about 1:56 in the hofternoon when I was in mah office on the 5th floor sipping on some coffee when the quake shaked. I was so overcame with fear that I grab my briefcase an ranned out of the office. The last time I ranneth like this was at Boys Champs in ‘85. And that time was 10.56 in a sprint. I must have done 9.2 flat today.

Boardlane TV: Well Mister Jackson as an employee of homeland security you should be one of DC’s bravest as well as the most organized. Did your office not have a evacuation plan?

Milton: Evacuation plan mi backfoot!  When yuh si bookshelf an computa a shake like hell who have noh time fi memba bout evacuation plan? Anyway, dat plan is only if dere is aneda 911. Earthquake a different sinting cause yuh noh know weh ago drap pan yuh head tap!

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your time Mister Jackson. Miss, can you step over here and chat with me? How was the experience for you?

Sharon: (Feeling the Holy  Spirit)  Hastama-kanta-balu! Hastama-kanta-balu!  Jehovah Gad move di eart tideh fi show di unrighteous dem seh a im a di KING of all KINGS! Tideh di whole a wi wikness di powa an  di wrath  of di Almighty  who is rula of dis eart! Jah naah sleep an IM is nat pleased wid di corruption, di back biting, di whore mongering,  di lickie-lickie, di buggaring, di bleaching an di Facebook ting.

Boardlane TV: I see you are devoted Christian and this incident moved you? Am I correct?

Sharon:  No mam. Mi nat in di church. But mi still have to lick out gainst evil. But mi ago mek sure fine mi backside a church dis Sunday cause Maasa Gad a come fi im worl. Which church yuh goh by di way? Mi a look wan place fi worship.

Boardlane TV: You are on your own with that. Anyway have fun finding a church this weekend.

This has been a live broadcast where we  heard a wide perspective from the Jamaicans on the streets of Washington DC. Back to regularly scheduled program.

© Joelle C. Wright

 Aug 24th, 2011

Live Broadcasting from The Royal Wedding

The week’s most talked about, and widely covered event, has finally taken place. Kate Middleton and Prince William were wed this morning at Westminster Abbey . The atmosphere in London was cheerful as thousands of people gather outside Westminster Abbey to witness the wedding.  Among the thousands of well wishers were Jamaicans. Boardlane TV got a chance to speak to some of the onlookers .

Boardlane TV:Good afternoon. Hello! Miss Lady can you give us an account of what you are feeling as a witness to this matrimonial event?

Lydia: Hi –  is who you?

Boardlane TV: Oh!  I am Wendy, reporting  for Boardlane TV. Tell us how you are feeling right now.

Lydia: Mi neva hear bout dat deh statian name Boardlane TV, but anyways. Yes… William an Katrin did a wandaful jab. Dem remine mi a mi own children dem. Ongly ting is fi own dem noh fare aff soh good.  Di wan lilly gyal pickney mi have drap outta school wid belly before shi tun 14 an  mi son  drive wan trolleybus weh noh pay quatty! Dem is mi pickney dem but mi deh yah a watch di Royal couple an wish fi mi pickney dem coulda marrid wid horse an buggy like Katrin and William. But dat naah happen cause dem noh have wan drap a ambition!

Boardlane TV: Madam, love them anyway and be proud no matter what, OK?  Let me move on. Young lady in blue blouse, how would you characterize what you witnessed today?

Rachel: Lady, fram mi barn mi neva witness soh much yellow teet people inna wan wedding. Jesas Gad! Dem need fi invest inna whitening teetpaste man. Dung to di lilly cyaas yeye pickney dem teet dem yellow like corn bread an butta .  Mi only hope dem noh tek wedding photograph an put aan big smile, cause Gad know seh Will and Katrin pictra dem ago pwail to rackstone.

Boardlane TV: Oh my. That was harsh – don’t yuh think?

Rachel: But a di troot miss lady!  How yuh fi cawl yuhself Royalty an yuh blastid teet dem noh tan good inna yuh head.  Dat noh right!  A di troot mi a tell yuh!

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your time. Let me get a comment from this young man standing beside you. Young man you seem a little disturbed in your face. What gives?

Steven: Mi jus a penny an notice seh dem have bout 500 harse a gallop paas wi an outta di 500 a dem,  a ongly WAN deggeh deggeh black man yuh si inna di parade! A sheggries dat! Jah know! Granted, im did look like any mascot inna tights an di cone hat, but outta di whole a Englan – a wan degge, degge black man dem coulda fine fi inna dis? Dats why di harse fling wan a dem pan im @$$ dis marning cause dem too blinking racist!

Boardlane TV: Never even noticed the one black man, but if you say so. Moving on.  Miss,  give us your take on what you witnessed today. Did you enjoy it?

Bev: Well, mi enjay everyting excep di blastid hat dem weh some a dem put aan fi come a di girl wedding. Kiss mi backfoot! Nat even ben dung plaza mi eva buck up pan dem deh “wear an lef” hat deh. Wan smaddy weh mi si, have wan hat deh fayva  dem dyam bud ness. Den wan neda wan hat fayva mi granny ole wash basin!  Some a dem shudden even allow fi wear di hat inna di church seka how dem look like sinting mek fi stab smaddy an kill dem. Di wan name Princess Beatrice have aan wan weh fayva wan blastid Octopus a heng affa har farrid. Jesas Gad –  no man! Dem sinting is a sin before Gad an all mankind.

Boardlane TV: So is there anything else you would like to comment on, other than the hats?

Bev: No mam. Dat a di only ting dat did grab mi attention cause everyting else did boring noh fawt.  Oh! Wan more ting! William did look dappa, but dem shoulda mek im kip aan fi im hat. Mi neva know seh  a soh di lickle bway head peel out!  A wanda if im sick? 

Boardlane TV: Thank you miss. Your comments were very spirited.  Ok let me see.. young man.. yes you ducking behind the crowd. What you hiding for?

Donovan: (Crouched  behind the crowd) Jus cool noh lady. Noh come ova yah soh wid noh blurtnaught camera  now man.

Boardlane TV: Why sir? Are you camera shy?

Vinette: Lady a mi bredda. Im a hide cause im goh tell im bredrin dem bout im naah come a di wedding an now im a hide cause im noh want im face show pan TV.  A soh im dark an tan. But mi have sumting seh dowe .

Boardlane TV: Go ahead Mam.

Vinette: Yes, I want to know why dem  noh have  noh food stan out here fi wi buy tings fi eat. Mi  deh yah fram marning an neva drink noh tea before mi lef mi yaad tinking seh di Queen woulda have lickle provisions fi wi out yah. A di fuss wedding mi eva goh inna my life weh food noh serve. If  a did Jamaica dis, wan lickle jerk powk  man woulda deh yah fi save wi fram dead fi hungry. Mi seh mi hungry soh til mi tripe a tan up inna mi back! Den dem mek wi a wait  fi how much howa fi si wan lickle dead stock kiss fram Willy Wonka an Flaky Katy. (kiss teet)  Dem is too dyam slack fi people who have money!

Boardlane TV: So sorry about your anguish love. Take care and hurry up and get yourself something to eat. There you have it folks, a fine day at the Royal Wedding. We thank all those who spoke with Boardlane TV. Have a great day.

 ©Joelle C. Wright  April 30, 2011

Egypt Inspires Protest in Jamaica (Satire) – LIVE BROADCAST From The Streets Of Kingston, Jamaica

Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news just in. Boardlane TV is reporting that the people of Jamaica have taken to the streets to protest the oppressive regime led by Prime Minister Bruce Golding. The protest from what we understand, stems from the uprising already taking place in Egypt where the Egyptians are also attempting to over throw their government. Boardlane TV has footage of some of the events taking place on the ground.

People Chanting: CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!!

Boardlane TV: Good day sir. It appears that you are at the forefront of this operation.  Can you tell us who organized this protest and why?

PampiDon: Yeah man, a mi yaad mi deh a watch some U-trube an si how di people dem a Egypt a kick up rumpous seh dem waan di man name Burakuta fi come out an …

Boardlane TV: Sir his name is ‘Mubarak’, but anyway carry on.

PampiDon: Yes – im sed wan! Den mi seh to miself, BLURTNAUGHT! Wi noh haffi wait pan electian fi run out di sadomite dem. Soh mi set soh –  BAM an call mi bredrin PeppaSkull and BigMac fi set up a ting fi get di massive dem outta road fi lick out gainst Bruce. Dem grab dem bullhorn an drive roun di whole place an tell people dem seh wi a march goh Gordon House. An now wi deh yah by di tousands. Yah man, a soh di ting set!

Boardlane TV: What do you hope to achieve today Mister? Do you expect the Prime Minister to heed to the will of the people?

PampiDon: Who? Trus mi, Bruce an im posse haffi RUN WEH! If dat blouse an skirt green yeye bandit noh lef di govament by midnight tideh, pure backle boom an scud missle wi a get fi bun dung Rome!

Boardlane TV: Why take such violent measures sir? Isn’t it better to see a more peaceful resolution than setting fire to his home?

Deloris: (interrupting) BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY LADY!! Wi tiyad a di suffaration inna wi country! Wi tiyad fi a pay five tousan dalla fi goh watch ‘Busy Signal and Movado’ pan stage show. Right yah now mi well waan a pair a Gucci boot an cyaan buy none seka di oppression Bruce put wi unda!

Boardlane TV: But madam is that really your concern? Shouldn’t you be more concern about employment and the ability to get good service from the government? Sorta like what the Egyptians want?

Deloris: No sah! A di Gucci boot dem wi waan. Emplayment worries a fi people who waan git up a marning time fi wok fi nutten like dem a ally-butten. Wi noh inna dat. Wi a defen di name bran an di A-class cyar an bling-bling. (Chanting with a cardboard sign) CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!!

Meanwhile in the crowd, vendors saw an opportunity to sell goods to the protesters gathered in the street.

Benjie: NUUUUTSIE! PEANUUUUTS!! Hundred dalla gi yuh a pack! Hundred dalla! Nuts yah soh! Hi nice lady yuh a buy a peanut fram mi?

Boardlane TV: No thank you sir, we are just here to report the news. Anyway, let me move a little further into the crowd to grab another person to give us an interview. Mister in the Reggae Boyz shirt, come tell us what is the mood of the people as they protest the movement today.

Clive: Well right now wi noh inna noh good mood until wi si Bruce step down. Di man come an pramise fi clean up di corruptian ting an comes to fine out seh im govament wos dan di wan wi jus vote out! Tek far hinstance how di man hangle di Dudus case. Di whole time di man pan TV a gwaan like a im a Dudus a sleep a night time. Mi seh di man mout did set like when daag nature a rise when im a tell lie. Kiss mi neckback! It come in like di man di a expec a buss assin fram im lova bway if im mek a wrang move. Wi want im OUT! (chanting) CUM OUT BRUCE CUM OUT!

Boardlane TV: Ok understood sir. Thanks for speaking with us. Young man, what brings you to this protest? Your sign reads “Free Di I fram Slavery!” What are the freedoms you seek from the government?

PopChow: (shouting in the news camera) YES IYAH! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN! Wi waan back wi rights fi run red light! Wi waan wi rights fi wok pan bus a noh wear unifarm caah wi a noh school pickney! Wi waan wi rights fi smoke inna heroes park caah a yahsoh wi barn. FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!

Suddenly, other Vendors pass by the camera crew:

Melanie: GLEANA GLEANA! NEWS FLASH!  DI EGYPT MAN JUSS DRAP OUTTA DI RACE! GET YUH GLEANA GLEANA!

Another vendor appears:
Marcel: Suck -suck and Sky Juice! Who a bawl out fi di sky juice man?! Suck -suck and Sky Juice a sell yahsoh!

PopChow: (Pushing) Hey bway stap brush gainst mi noh iyah! Yuh noh si yuh a rub yuh dutty self pan mi criss Armani shut!

Marcel: Go suck pan a straw bway! Yuh can inna crowd a people a noh expec fi get bounce pan?! Bout yuh deh a rally inna Armani shut. Gwey bway – yuh a fool!

PopChow: MOVE an GWEY! Yuh sour like! Yuh waan a man tek a Red Stripe backle an mash up yuh head skull!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear! I am not so sure what kind of oppression is going on here with people fussing over Armani gear. Anyway, look like things are getting way to hot out here in the streets of Kingston. Baordlane Tv will take a break for toady. We are expecting to televise the life speech from Bruce Golding who plans to address the nation about this crisis. Stay tuned for that event.

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PART2

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Boardlane TV: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a live broadcast from Gordon House, where Prime Minister Bruce Golding addresses the nation about the recent revolt in the streets of Kingston.

Bruce Golding:  Good day my fellow Jamaican citizens. I was attending to a very private phone call from Dudus when Deputy Prime Minister Kenneth Baugh run come to my office to inform me that there is rioting in the streets. Something to the effect that the people want me to step down from this position. I also get to understand that this is because of what you people are seeing going on TV over there in Egypt. I take full responsibility for this uprising in the streets of Kingston because as the Minister of Information and Telecommunications I should know better than to continue to give poor people rights to cable TV and Smart phone technology. But I will take a closer look into that for the future.

I want to appeal to the church leaders to call church services across the nation to educate the people that in Exodus chapter 3, Jesus commanded Moses to bring forth the people out of Egypt to a land flowing with milk and honey. Nowhere in the Bible did Jesus give any authority to anybody to free Jamaicans from affliction. For God Sakes – now is not the time to be falla fashin monkeys!

Anyway, since as you all have demands, I am prepared to make compromises. Right now I can’t step down because I have pressing issues on my plate like freeing Dudus and Buju from jail. So just so you people can go home and siddung an quiet unuself, I am asking my Minister of Foreign Affairs and Foreign Trade to relax the tariff and duty charges of essential imports to the country. On this list of essentials imports for our economy are the Benz C- Class, Volvo S60 and the BMW 7 Series. In addition, I will have him look into increasing other vital imports like J. Crew , Versace, PUMA and FUBU gear. This will ensure the rights of all who love to pose off in name brand goods.

To help the small farmers, I will instruct the Ministry of Agriculture to ensure that local fast food places buy produce from local farmers such as onion, tomatoes, lettuce, gungo peas, coco and renta yam. They may not have immediate use for the peas, yam and coco, but I plan to ask them to put peas soup on the menu. Consdida peas soup as brawta even through it wasn’t a part of the demands. People going around marching and saying I don’t protect basic rights and freedom in this country. All I have to say to that is – those accusations are unfounded! Since I took office, I have been working hand in hand with the Jamaica Broiler Association to increase the production of chicken back and chicken gizzards so families will have the right to have a decent Sunday dinner after church service.

As I said in my opening remarks, I have no intention to step down before the election. As a matter of fact, I doan know when I am going to call for the next election because without me in this office, dog nyam Dudus suppa! I am doing the best I can to support poor people by securing the release of Jamaica’s most prolific Don Man to the streets where he can continue to provide for the people in his community. I cannot provide anyting fi unu. That is not what I am here for. Please try and understand what kind of pressure I am under right now. Before I close this evening, I will throw in wan more ting to please all of you demonstrators. I will throw in 1.5 million dollars that I get from bribes for the next Passa Passa Dance. Dat soun good?

Now you all have a blessed good evening. Go home and don’t let me have to institute a 5’clack curfew.

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Boardlane TV: There you have it folks. A very disconnected response from the Prime Minister. Will the people accept Mister Golding’s compromises and go home? One cannot tell at this moment. We here at Boardlane TV are committed to bringing you events as they unfold. Now we take you back to the re-runs of “Good Times” now in progress.

©Joelle C. Wright Feb 11, 2011

Live Broadcasting From The Buju Banton Trial

Boardlane TV has been following the trial of reggae superstar Mark Myrie, also known as ‘Buju Banton’ since the court session began. Banton is on trial for conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute five or more kilogrammes of cocaine. He could get a maximum of 20 years to life in prison if convicted.

Buju Banton’s fans have turned out in their numbers for the trial that started on Monday.  We have exclusive insider reporting into the happenings inside the Tampa Court from the fans of Buju Banton.

 Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, you look a little deflated from the proceedings. Tell us what seems to be your worry.

Suzette: Yes Miss lady, mi waan know is why a bare farrina deh pan di jury? Imagine seh a whole heapa  DJ  out deh a look food fi nyam an coulda deh pan di jury fi retribute justice fi Buju. Dem farrin people noh undastan di suffaratian wey  yaad man goh troo. Dem jus a goh look pan im rasta head an automatically tink seh im a drugs man. A soh dem dutty minded people apparate.

Boardlane TV: So who would you suggest should make up a jury of his peers mam?

Suzette: Lady mek mi tell yuh -man like Flourgon, Shabba Ranks,  DelaRanks and Yellowman fi up deh a lissen to wey di stinka dem a seh bout Buju. Dem woulda simpatize caah mi know fi a fac seh dem man deh tek coke inna fi  dem time to. Yuh did know seh a coke mek Yellow Man mout lean an look like absess  a grow inna im teet?

Boardlane TV: No, I had no idea. Well thank you for taking my question. Let me talk to another individual. Young lady, yes you in di red blouse… come over and let me have a talk with you for a moment.

Merlene: Hi how yuh doing? Wan minute deh before yuh start. (she takes the mike away from the reporter). I want to sen greetings to Aunt Myrna ina Dumfries Trelawny. Wishing a hawty ‘ello to mi bredda pan mi modda side – cyaan memba im name now fram Nanny Town dung a Portlan. Big Up! BUJU SHALL OVACOME! WI NAAH LEF IM OUT! BRAP!

Boardlane TV: Ok, can I have the mike back please?  Thank you. During the trial, you were seen covering your ears when the tapes where being played. Can you explain to Boardlane TV why you did that?

Merlene: Lady mi feel it fi im enoh. It did look bad fi im an den when mi hear seh tape a goh play, mi heart cudden stan fi hear noh more an mi dis cawk up mi ears ole. Mi cyaan tek an noh stress seka mi carry belly fi Buju now. Im is di love of mi life, mi hawt an mi soul, only deat will do us part. By di way, yuh did hear wey dem did a seh pan di tape?

Boardlane TV: Yes. He was caught on tape claiming he was getting into drug smuggling to feed and send his 15 children to school.

Merlene: Seh wah?! Den a how di  backside  im mek di tree pickney dem mi hav fi im a dead fi ungry?!  Soh fi mi pickney dem a noh nutten to im? Yuh si seka dat, a hope di govament heng up im roosss by im teelie  an put im pan display mek  a get fi stone out im kacka-ole!

Boardlane TV: Alrighty then. So much for supporting Buju.  Sir, you in the green and yellow Clarks shoes. Could I ask you a question? What do think about the guilt or innocence of the defendant in the case?

Donavon: Well so far mi tink im innocent enoh. As far as mi si dem a try di man fi taste lickle coke. Fi all I know, Buju coulda tink seh a milk powda dem a gi im fi taste. A set dem set im up. No evidence did deh fi seh di man move coke fram pint A to pint B,  yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: So what do you think about the accusation about smuggling diamonds from Africa?

Donavon: Dutty canspiracy lady! Mo’ Fiyah! Mi know fi a fac seh wey dem a cawl diamond a Cubic zirconian. A di sed false sinting yuh si a glissen ina Buju teet. A dat dem a cawl diaman smuggling.   (kiss teet ) Buju B  is a  ghetto yute. Wey im know bout diaman? Di only ting di man tek outta Africa is wan antique wood stool! Mi noh know wey dem a chat bout!

Boardlane TV: Interesting comments sir. Thank you.  Mister over here please. Do you have opinion as to what you have heard in court today sir?

Rohan: Yes mam …a  bare almshouse bisness a gwaan ina di courtroom. Yuh si di infarma bway wey a wok fi di govament…unu noh si seh di man a try escape dip back to Columbia? Di way how mi si it a im bring argument to Buju bout coke bizness an Buju run di bway! Im tek bex  an  cawl dung Babylon pan Buju. A infarma bway fi dead!

Boardlane TV: But what about the tapes sir? It was Buju who was clearly asking Mister Johnson to set up the deal to acquire cocaine. Wouldn’t you agree with that?

Rohan: Lady tap gwaan like yuh naah si weh a gwaan!  Buju did a talk on behalf of di two bway dem wey come fram Georgia name Ike  an Tyke! Buju noh inna noh coke bizness! Di yute is all about Music an bussing gun shat inna b@tty bway head.  A bet seh dem same set a chi-chi man a set im up? Di same way how dem did seh a neva R Kelly pan di tape,  mi noh believe seh a Buju dat pan di tape eida. Dem deh bogus cassette fi dash wey!

Boardlane TV: Ok, thanks for your comments sir. Have a good day.  Hi young lady, come talk to Boardlane TV. Do you think the defendant is guilty as charged or are you here to support him?

Donnet: Miss lady, Buju a wan a wi, soh wi  did haffi come yah fi support im. Mi cyan believe wey dem a try do to wi Jamaican Igol. Di man wey testify tideh seh Buju neva buy di jrugs, im only talk bout it. Soh a how dem fi hole Buju when all im do is fantisize fi bi a drug king pin? At least im a show some ambition. Nuff people have di same dream fi run jrugs up an dung di place, but dat noh mek wi jrug smuggla. Dat jus a show yuh seh money naah run an wi a look fi sinting betta in life. Mek dem move an gweh!

Boardlane TV: But drug smuggling is against the law madam. Shouldn’t he have dreams that are less criminal in nature?

Donnet: People fi tap paas judgement pan di bway. Buju seh im have pickney fi feed an sen goh school. Di man haffi try a ting. Supposen seh im did really a try sell jrugs, mi noh blame im caah Candense milk an school unifarm dare out hell!  Im jus a try bi a good baby faada fi im pickney dem. Dem  fi tap treat Buju like im a some cumunoono! After all!

Boardlane TV: Ok  miss, I am sure he appreciates your support. Let me get Stephen Marley on camera. Hi Stephen, you were one of the key witnesses for the defense. What can you tell us about your relationship with Buju and do you think he will be convicted?

Stephen: Well mi haffi come defen mi idren caah mi know Buju fi bout 20 years now. Mi an im use to bun calliweed wid Peta Tosh an Bunny Wailer back when wi was a yute a  goh a school – zeen?  As mi seh to di court, Buju a di voice of di people.  An wi naah goh stan fi di heathen dem silence di vice dat gi wi peace loving choones like  ‘Man Fi Dead’ an ‘Boom Boom By Bye. ’ Dem lyrics deh speak to heart of di Jamaican people – zeen?

Stephen then burst out into a skank and begins to sing one of Buju’s songs with gun finger in the air:

Let Jah rise and the heathen scatter

Have to give thanks and praises no matter

Even if the flames is getting hotter & hotter

Every one should know I don’t believe in rumor..

Stephen: WHEEEELLLLL!! Buju yuh dun know. Yuh safe lick bulla inna  glass case. Dem a try get yuh outta di rat race. Dem set pizen fi rasta taste but di Babylon bway dem noh hav noh case – easy yuhself Dread an noh watch noh face!

Boardlane TV: Ok folks, that’s all the live reporting we have from BoardlaneTV at the moment. We are hoping we can get a word with the Defendant’s Lawyer or the defendant himself later in the day or in the future. Now back to our regular scheduled programming.

©  Joelle “Wendy” Wright

10/15/2010

 

Live Broadcasting: American Airlines Flight 331 Crash Scene

An American Airlines plane crashed and broke into pieces after landing at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston a short while ago. The aircraft carried over 145 passengers and crew most of them Jamaicans returning home. Boardlane TV news was on site to interview some of the passengers that were able to speak to us about the events that took place after the crash.

Boardlane TV:  Hi sir, could you give us a moment and tell us how are you feeling and what happened when you realized your flight crashed?

Lincoln: Lady, mi seh a Jah save wi cause a di back mi deh enoh Miss and all of a sudden mi si di miggle a di plane hice up inna di air and a dat time mi a penny seh di rahtid sinting bruck inna tree. Mi all si wan suitcase drap outta di ova head bin sinting and lick out wan white man flat a grung. Im mite inna di plane still kunk out an cyaan git up cause everybody tep ova im. Man an woman a try cum out before di plane boom up!

Boardlane TV:  No one stopped to assist the injured man?

Lincoln: Look yah lady, when plane boom flick pan dry land is all about survival yuh no seeit. Every man fi dem self cause yuh noh know if all a nex suitcase a goh shoot out fram di ova head sinting an lick yuh out. Trus mi!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, thanks very much and glad you are Ok. Miss over here. Can you tell us how you feel and give us some insights on what took place on your flight?

Matlida: Glorry Glorry… I seh Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Lady a cyaan talk … Sweet Jesas! A nearly si di coming of mi Creata an mi nat even have on good drawz. I seh Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Halli-luyah!!!

Boardlane TV : Ok Madam, thanks. Hi Miss, can you come over here please?  BoardlaneTV here. Can you tell us what happened on your flight as it was landing?

Millicent: Dat razzklat pilot noh know wey di bloodseed im a do! Im nearly kill aff di whole a wi inna di big Chrismus haliday yah. A  fly di bummbeet plane like im a deh pan jet ski pan di tarmac. A waan smaddy buss im klaat an sen im back a flying school. Wan a mi lickle 9 year ole yute lan kite betta dan dat suckka lan dis big ole bloodbawt  plane. Cho Blood cleet. Come outta mi way yaah man.

Boardlane TV : Oookk?? Clearly she is upset with the pilot and understandable so. Let’s see… little one can you come over here and talk with us? How are you doing?

Celine:  Mi cyaan fine mi mummy. Yuh si har fi mi?

Boardlane TV :  No but maybe you can describe her and we can get some help for you.

Celine: Mi mummy have wan batty big <<soh>> an wear  wan burgundy hair weave. Har finga nail dem have Chrismuss tree paint pan dem. When di plane crash shi tek aff an run wey lef mi like shi figat seh shi have pickney pan di plane. Dats how shi behave when har head tek har yuh mam. Shi noh memba nutten bout mi.

Boardlane TV: Oh no! Poor thing. Go to the officer and find some help. Be safe. Let’s get one more comment from this gentleman. Hi sir, do you care to comment on the incident that just took place?

Percy: Sure I would loves to comments. Miss Lady, I and my mistress was in the bock aff di plane han was very hestinguished when wi realize dot di plane do nat landed good pan di runaway. So I jess tell di mistress to pick up di suitcase dem han faller backa me.

Boardlane TV : You made her carry both suitcases by herself?

Percy : What mek yuh hosk? Yuh noh si how shi strapping an have trang back? A wan cow dis yuh noh lady! Anyways, hofta shi falla backs a me, wi truck aff troo di side exit door an landed inna wan whole heapa gravel. Si hall my helbow chip up fram di rackstone dem an yuh si mi mistress nat even get a scrotch how shi tough. Dats why mi loves her soh. A very trong women dis. Wi aroight dowes. Just wont to find a batroom now fi change mi brief. Mi cyaan ston inna di pee-pee noh longer.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, God bless you and the mistress. Well ladies and gentlemen there you have it. A very lucky set of passengers. Now we return to our regular scheduled programming.

We will have more comments from passengers as they get sorted out.

**** PART 2 ****

Boardlane TV: We are now back on the air speaking with a few more of the passengers from flight 331. Mister, can you step over here and have a chat with us. How are you doing? You look a little shaken up!

Trevor : Bway, I neva experience anyting like dis inna my life sistren. A lissen mi a lissen some trune pan mi Ipod an feel di plane a skid wey to blurtnaught. Di betern nex to mi look out a di window an start bawl out seh wi ago drap inna sea wata to birdbeak! Lady,  mi start pray unto Jah cause I man cyaan swim a lick an plus mi  all hear seh nuff Alligator inna di sea.

Boardlane TV: Alligators in the sea sir? Where have you heard such a thing? That’s not true.

Trevor : Yuh a fool man! Alligata inna di sea mi seh. Nuff time mi si dem lie dung pan di banking when mi a fly out, soh mi noh know wey yuh a chat seh. If wi did crash inna di sea an hear seh Alligata nyam up all a wi inna di plane,  wey yuh woulda seh eeh? How unu news people can behave like a hongle unu wan have educatian soh? Tek man fi fool an illeterate. GO WEY!!

Boardlane TV: Ok. Clearly that is a very misguided passenger but we are glad he wasn’t eaten by Alligators nonetheless. Looks like another shaken passenger heading our way. Over here sir. Can you tell us what this experience was like for you?

Neville: Ioyoo cyooon taalkk naw iss…. mknot a ood hime

Boardlane TV: Sir what are saying? I’m sorry we can’t hear you so good. Repeat that please.

Neville’s Daughter: Sarry lady. Papa cyaan talk to yah now. Im false teet fly outta im mout when im head lick up pan di seat. Nat a soul cyaan fine di teet all now. Gad eeh know how dis man a goh nyam im Chrismuss dinna now widout’en di teet. Lawd a mercy pan wi Puppa Jesas!

Boardlane TV: Ok sorry to hear that. Well let’s hope he will have a merry Christmas despite his missing teeth. God bless you. Hi, hi young man come and talk to us over here. What’s going through you mind after going through what just occurred?

Roy: Yuh really waan know what a goh troo my mine sistren? Is a spliff I waan bun yah now. Jah rastafari know. Dem kinna ting wi mash up yuh nerval system when rasta deh pan plane an it bruck up wid yuh inna it, yuh noh seeit . Mi teet dem noh tap rakkle fram mi lef outta di plane. I man need a weefah fi calm I nerves, but di bloodseed police bway dem a walk roun wid di sniffa daag dem  sed way mek I man cyaan draw fi di herb. (kiss teet)  Easy yaah mi sistren. I an I ago get outta dis Babylon cage.  More time!

Boardlane TV: Ok, we have time for just one more passenger. Looks like this lady is one of the more injured. Let’s see what she has to say.  Pssstttt Miss …can you share with Boardlane TV how you got your injuries?

Silvia: Noh wan batty bway push mi dung a try race mi outta di plane, mam. Mi seh dem noh have no mannas enoh lady. Imagine dis American Airlines likle punk fling mi dung inna fuss class an kick mi inna mi side when  im  jump ova mi. Mi seh if a neva fi mi artritis inna mi right han, a tump im dung if a eva si im bout yah. Look how mi frack dutty up like mi naah come fram nohweh!

Boardlane TV: Wait a minute, you said he was an American Airline person?

Silvia: Yes lady! A wan a di Hair hostess bway do mi soh. All yuh hear dem a chat bout lef plane ardaly in case of emergency dem a di fuss wan a bulldoza yuh when plane crash. Dem is jus like dem dam hooligan yuh si a stage show. Dam set a viagro dem! Dem only inna di stoosh unifarm like dem desent but dem noh betta dan di hag dem yuh si inna pig style. Dutty Jankro dem!

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. Well there you have it folks. A very traumatic day for the passengers as you just heard. We wish all a pleasant evening and thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.

©  Joelle “Wendy” Wright

12/23/09

 

Jamaicans Aid in the Clean Up of Massive Oil Spill

Boardlane TV has learned that BP has solicited an expert group of Jamaicans to assist with the clean up efforts of the massive oil spill off the Gulf of Mexico.  Boardlane TV has exclusive video of the meeting that took place between the Jamaicans and BP at the site of the disaster and the results of their work.

BP Official: We thank you all for coming to our aid to clean up this mess. We can’t say enough to express our gratitude.

Ratcliff: No prablem Man. Wi noh really need fi hear nutten bout noh gravitrude right yah now. All wi jus waan hear is how much di work ago pay, zeen?

BP Official:Well, our corporate office is thinking $US500 a day per person. What you think about that?

Ratcliff: Sey wah?? What I tink is dat yuh is a blastid criminal an tief! Yuh tek big man fi fool? Yuh know how much wi pay fi di plane drive fi come yahso fi wok fi dat deh lickle bit a money?  Look yah sar – 500 dalla cyan feed my 7 pickney and tree more wey mi expec  fram Patsy, Michelle and Beverly.

BP Official: Ok then, name your price. At this point we will pay anything to get this mess of our hands. Give me a price.

Ratcliff: Hole an mek a confulscate wid mi betren  dem mek mi hear weh dem a sey.

BP Official: Confulscate?? What does that mean in English?

Ratcliff: Imagine dat eeh!!  Ah di fuss mi a meet wan  Hinglish smaddy who noh undastan standard plain Hinglish. Dat mean mi ago get a kanstitutian  fram di ressa di crew.  Yuh get dat now Missa suit an tie?

BP Official: Whatever you say mon.

Ratcliff: Yow ButtaTeet, TipyToe, BalheadDread rope in! How much unu tink wi fi demands fi disyah work? A nuff aile out yah still an dem lickle English tite @$$ dem noh know wey dem a do out yah.

ButtaTeet: Di way mi seet, dis ago cast  dem bout 2 case a Guinness.

BalheadDread: Hey bway yuh a ediat? Go wey bout yuh  2 case Guinness.  Ratcliff,  tell di man sey wi ago tek  20 lb a high grade  weed fi do di wok yuh hear sah.

TipyToe: Kiss mi rahtid  …mi cyan believe mi earsole. Unu is set a blastid ediat – A MONEY WI A DEFEN! Ratcliff, yuh si wah mek mi did tell yuh fi lef dem two jack@$$ yah a dem yaad? Tell di man wi ago charge US1.5 miyion dallas. It goh soh!

Ratcliff: How much hundred dalla bill ina dat Tipy?

TipyToe: A mi yuh a ask? A dat mi hear JayZ and Beyonce a mek soh dat soun like di sed amount wi fi ask fah. Plus di sun hat out yah man. Wi fi get compenstition fi dat to. Trus mi!

Ratcliff: Arite mek a run it by bossman an si wey im a deal wid.  (He summons the BP official)  Mista suit and tie come ova yahso sar…

BP Official: Yes Mister Ratcliff, I take it you all came up with a price.

Ratcliff: Yes sar. Mi betren dem come up wid a bargain deal  betta dan di price fi a Elvis jacket. Wi a tink bout 1.5 miyion . Tell mi sey dat a noh wan wikid deal?!

BP Official: Bloody Hell! What do you Jamaicans think this is – a casino heist?

Ratcliff: Mine how yuh a talk loud enoh Mista suit an tie!  If yuh naah let aff di 1.5 miyion mi can goh back a mi yaad cause mi have wan Mavado stage show uppa Halfway-Tree square fi goh.  Wi noh havi dey yah soh a lay, lay wid yuh.

BP Official: Alright, alright! Bloody Hell Pals – Ya’ killing me here. Ok, we can get the money together. What kind of equipment you people have to clean this up anyway?

BalheadDread: A wah do dis white man iyah? Equipment? Yaad man noh use  noh Babylon machine fi do manual labor. Wi have natural tings dat wi guarantee fi soak up dis ting in bout hour an half taps!

BP Official: Oh Yeah? And what’s that may I ask?

ButtaTeet: 200 carton bax a hair weave sar? Di natural type… good, good Yaki bran made in China.

BP Official: Huh? What di bloody hell you all talking about? Hair weave? Is this what you want me to pay millions of dollars for? You take this thing for a joke?

Ratcliff:  Hey sah… mine yuh buss a shut button. Relax yuh self. Yuh neva si how hair weave can soak up aile yet? Why yuh tink yuh si di ooman dem a walk round wid dry head bout di place? As dem dash lickle ail ina dem head.. di weave nyam dat up like nutten neva goh in dey fram di day di weave patch in. Is dats why di gyal dem head dry like cocknat brush soh!

ButtaTeet: Trus wi Mista BP, it ago work man. None a fi unu hi-tech sinting naah wok anyway. An fi  wi plan come wid a zero pint naught percent money back guarantee.

BP Official: You people had better know what you are doing because my *ss is on the line for this and you people told me you could get this problem fixed.

TipyToe: Well count yuh blessings. Yuh noh gat noh *ss behine yuh, soh yuh noh have nutten fi loose.

BP Official: You can make jokes all you want. Tell me how is this thing going to work now?

BalheadDread: A simple ting dread. Wi ago tek a small boat outta sea an dash in di weave dem ova which part di aile a swim. Den wi jus watch di weave swallow up di aile. When  wi dun, wi jus crape up back di weave dem an put dem ina scandal bag.

BP Official: Ok, then how do you get rid of the oil soaked hair when it’s all done?

TipyToe: Get ridda? A wah do dis bredda yah? Wi a carry dem back to di Rock goh sell dem pan di black market! Yuh know how much money di skettel dem wi pay fi a ready made ail sheen weave?

BalheadDread: Yeah Man. A dat wi call hampa-try-nurship iyah! Wi ago promote di stappage a dry head pan di island, yuh noh seeit. Wi ago tell wi customas dem sey di weave dem come well priserve wid “Aile of the Bay”. Woooiiii! Yes Iyah!  A big tings!

BP Official: You people are nuts! OK get to work. Let’s just see if this madness you are talking about works.

The three men took off in the ocean spreading bundles of hair in the ocean. The BP officials using binoculars watched from the pier hoping that the Jamaicans had finally found the cure for their misery.

Three hours past and the oil appeared to be subsiding.  The news of the success spread across the airways and crews from CNN, MSNBC and CSPAN started filming the work of the Jamaicans. The BP officials were amazed at the speed at which the hair weaves sucked the oil from the ocean and began to throw high fives all around.  The US was in a euphoria singing the praises of the Jamaicans as they came back to shore to a jubilant BP officials and TV crew.

BP Official: I cannot believe it!! You guys did it!! Only you Jamaicans would think of such an ingenious plan. Bravo to you my friends!

Ratcliff: Wi did tell unu sey a simple ting dis man. Unu dash wey dem dey big ole ugly machine wey noh have noh use. An by di way gi wi di money mek wi get fi  goh bout wi business

BP Official: As you say in Jamaica – No Problem Mon. The cash is right over here for you. You can count it all if you want

BalheadDread: But Kiss mi gyal renking meat! A soh much money mek up 1.5 miyion?? No star, wi cyan count up dem deh money yahsoh. Eeehm…Is nat dat wi cyan count but mi noh able fi disyah breeze blow  weh di whole a wi money a sea. Wi trus yuh sey it all dey dey bossman. Rispec!

BP Official: Thank you all for this once again. Our company is forever indebted to you.

CNN Reporter: Hey Jamaicans! One moment please, we have someone who wants to talk to you by phone.

Ratcliff: Kiss mi Nike boot! A mi baby madda Patsy dat a call mi already? I doan know why mi goh tek up wid dat graven lizzad lip gyal enoh!

CNN Reporter : I don’t know who Patsy is sir. It’s President Obama wanting to congratulate you and your team and thank you all for a job well done sir.

Ratcliff: Tell Obama sey mi wi chat to im wan neda time. Im tink mi noh hear bout im pan Fax cable news? Imma wan blastid ginal! A waan im waan come tax wi money fi goh bail out Toyata outta fi dem prablem.  Im naah get none a dis a baxide!

CNN Reporter: Huh? Did anybody catch what the heck he just said?

©  Joelle “Wendy” Wright

4/14/2010

Why Jamaican Children Do Not Trick Or Treat

Ever wonder why Jamaican Children do not participate in Trick or Treat? Maybe this sketch will explain it.

Benny: (Knocking on the door) Good eveling… anybady deh here?

Ms Clarice: Is who dat a knack pan di door dem hours a clack when mi a look fi turn in sah? COMING!! HOLE AAN… Lawd mi cyaan even fine mi glasses. Is who dat a di door?!

Benny: A me Benny, Miss Clarice.  Me, Tony, Tamas, an Peta a Trick-a-Treat mam.

Ms Clarice: (Opens the door) Weh yuh seh lickle bway? Talk again, granny neva hear yuh good.

Benny: Wi Trick-a-Treating mam. Yuh gat any sweetie can put inna wi crocus bag?

Ms Clarice: Pickney yuh eva look inna di mirror an notice seh yuh noh gat any teet? A full time yuh tap nyam di whole heapa sweetie dem! Yuh noh si seh a only wan more teet lef fi drap outta yuh head!

Benny: No mam, mi teet a-rite! Dung to di odda day mi bite cane wid mi wan teet mam. Beg yuh some sweetie noh.

Ms Clarice: A-rite, ole an a minute…mi suppose to have some icy-mint inna mi bosom yah.

Benny: Miss Clarice,  yuh noh have nutten sweeta dan icy-mint, mam?

Ms Clarice: Bway pickney! Yuh eva get a good smell affa yuh breat yet? Is why yuh tink is icy-mint mi a look fi gi yuh? (Empting her bosom)) Tek dem …si dem yah an share dem up wid di ress a yuh nassy nose fren dem. Shoo! Goh home now!

The four boys walk over to another house.

Benny: (Calling out) Nurse Philips! Tricka Treat! Tricka Treat!

Nurse Philips: Benny! What on eart yuh doing trick-a-treating for candy when yuh know yuh not well?!

Benny: Nurse is Halloween an wi jus a beg sweetie fi di haliday mam. Mi feel fine tideh Nurse.

Nurse Philips: Benny, I am not going to give yuh any candy when yuh madda jus tek yuh to di clinic yessiday fi get worm medicine! Yuh know seh too much sweet-sweet a gi yuh dem whole heapa worm ina yuh belly? Chile, goh home before I call yuh madda fi get yuh off di street!

Benny: Arite Nurse Philips, mi going home now. Tanks fi di worm medicine yestiday yuh hear mam. (Cut yeye)

The four boys walk to a third house.

Benny: HOLE DAWG!! Maas Sunny ooyee! Maas Sunny, a mi Benny fram rouna lane a beg some sweetie sar!

Maas Sunny: Benny? Benny bway a yuh grow soh big an ugly?! Massi Jesas!  Benny a time yuh fi tap nyam sweetie yuh noh. Look pan yuh gut in front a yuh fi a lickle bway! Fayva like yuh ago deliva a cow any day now.

Benny: A noh sweetie mek mi belly soh big Maas Sunny. A troo mi madda cook plenty salt powk a eveling time. Beg yuh some sweetie noh.

Mass Sunny: Well mi have some juju sweetie inna di dressa draw. Ole an yah soh mek a goh get dem fi yuh an yuh nassy nose fren dem.

Benny: Tank yuh sah! (Jumping for joy) Yeaaaah!! Wi ago get some sweetie!!

Maas Sunny: Si dem yah… noh mine di biting ants weh a crawl ova dem. A troo dem ina di draw fi ova two year now. Mass Sunny a get ole an mi false teet caan manige di tough sweetie dem like wan time. Unu can brush aff di ants dem affa it. Dem nyam good sed way.

The four boys walk to a fourth home.

Benny: Bigga Don! Yuh deh bout?A mi Benny an mi fren dema Trick-a-treat!

Bigga Don: Seh wah lickle yute? Yuh a walk an a beg Sweetie?

Benny: Yeah man … mi get some sweetie fram couple people down di road excep fi mean Nurse Philips.

Bigga Don: Mek mi si how much sweetie yuh have inna di bag deh yout.

Benny: A noh much but it can do. Si di bag here.

Bigga Don: Mek mi si wey yuh have. Yuh have some Icy-mint an juju sweetie.. Niiiiceness! Jus weh mi waan! My yute mi jus done smoke a spliff an mi ago hole an pan dem sweetie yah, zeen?

Benny: (starts to cry) Waaaaiii….mi waan back mi sweetie dem … waaaiii… mi ago tell mi madda seh yuh tek weh mi sweetie dem.

Bigga Don: Hush up yuh mout and move fram mi yaad gate wid di bag a cow bawling, before mi set mi bad dawg pan yuh backside! Run weh!

Benny: (sob, sob) Move and gwey! Yuh big dutty teif yuh!

© Joelle “Wendy” Wright

10/30/01

Jamaican Bus Safety Guidelines

Bus Driver: (speaking on the intercom) Good marning an welcome to bus numba 40, running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct unu attention to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model features.

Conductor: Hail up massive! We want you to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan di di Papine to Down Town route. Dis mogle bus is owned and operated by Rough Rider transports  Dis mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu can si, dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff time an it still a drive like new! This bus seats up to 55 passengers, howeva, due to our commitment to excellent service, wi do not leave anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up top 140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town.

During di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences. These are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out “Lard Jesas mi dead now!” – our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure di axle an wheel noh bruck aff inna wan a dem. But incase wi drap inna wan a dem pathole deh an cyaan come out, please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus fare…I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45.

This bus is not equipped with seat belts. Please hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide dung inna dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side. Our seating passengers may experience standing passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu . Please do not yell out “Hey batty bway, come off a mi r*ss lap!” Dat may cause a serious shoot out!

When unu coming aff di bus, please don’t expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di bus step skillfully. If unu drap an lan pan unu backside an bruck unu *ss, Rough Rider noh response.

This is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta fact, wi stop any which part wi waan. Wi stop at every yaad gate – all inna miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police. Incase of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase di normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout til wi drive weh lef di Babylon  bway dem.  Incase di bus get hijacked by a terrorist known as “pick pocket” – hole di bway an murda im to r*ss.

Finally, if wi reach Down Town inna one piece, please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung before unu can get off. Noh mine dem …unu hafi undastan seh seat kina ration. Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider bus pon di route and hope you enjoy di ride.  DRIVA – PRESS OUT!!

© Joelle “Wendy” Wright

03/12/99

The Titanic- Jamaican Style

The Titanic was about to set sail from England to New York with hundreds of Jamaicans aboard.  At the pier, some were saying their goodbyes to family and friends.

FITZROY: Airight baby love, tek care til mi come back, yuh hear? Yuh done know sey when mi reach a  farrin’ an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice,  zeen?

WIFIE: OK sweethawt, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea. If mi  eva hear sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh! And Fitzroy,  memba fi sen money by fi mi an di pickney dem when yuh ketch a New Yark, farrin.

Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy base rhythms as DJ Daag Heart spins reggae tunes on the “Sea Love “sound system. The “deckhall” crew was partying like it was 1929. The ship was owned an operated by the Pot-head Naygah People (PNP). The ship’s Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big spenders on the ship.

CAPTAIN: Hi Mistress Minister of Transportation, yuh looking lovely wid all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe. Look how yuh fat an rosey. Hey Mister Prime Minister, mek wi kip wi fingas cross – no riots and deck blocks on the ship so far, eeh? (wink, wink)

PRIME MINISTER: Dat is because a don’t announce di fare increase yet… but I will have fi Minister of Finance deal wid dat layta.

At the controls on the upper deck were Sammy and Rupert. Both had been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.

SAMMY: Di bleezenaught place cold eeh rasta. Kiss mi neck!

RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke. If mi teet dem noh tap rakkle mi boun’ fi loose bout half dozen a dem to blouse an skirt!

SAMMY: A wonda how far wi deh now? Wi noh suppose to soon reach NewYark?  How much a’clack yuh have  Rupert?

RUPERT: Half pass ten and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di ship suppose to dock roun 9:30…but wi noh too late …9:30 is ‘bout 11:30 Jamaican time, soh wi pon track sed way.

SAMMY: (pointing in the sea) Is wah dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert?

RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey?  It look like a one oversize snow cone. A wonda a wah?

SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a wan rahtid ugly looking sinting. Yow, mi ago phone di Captain. (He radios) Captain Barkley, one snow cone ina di way sar. What is we to do? *Hova han hout *

CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Inna di sea?

SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar. Afta mi noh know a what it is sar.

The Captain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he yelled:

CAPTAIN: Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG, ICEBERG!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!

RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do? It nat gwine move outa di way!

CAPTAIN: Bwaay don’t back ansa mi, mi seh BLOW DI HARN!

So Sammy did has he was told and blew the horn.

SAMMY: Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah. Why wi noh jus lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side fi get roun di snowcone?

CAPTAIN: Airight den. But do yuh bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure. An memba seh unu a drive di ship unda suspended license so do – tek unu time.

Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right. The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on top of each other. Some panicked:

HIGGLER: Oye driva! Tek time roun di carna noh man! Try yuh bes jus let mi aff mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inyah.

Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the ship came dangerously close to the iceberg.

CAPTAIN:(Trembling): Eternal fadda bless our land. Rupert an Sammy,  unu sey a likkle praya caus wi bout fi si pinnie walli up inyah.

SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn’, wi dun safe. Wi ago mek it man. A years mi a drive ship!

And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.

RUPERT: Respec! What a wicked one wheelie dat was. (Pointing at the Captain) Kiss mi neck! Di Captn piss up im pants!

They all laughed and hugged and dapped fist as a sign of relief.

The Captain then spoke in the intercom to calm the fears of his passengers. 

CAPTAIN: Ladies an genklemen, dis is your Captain speaking. Sarry bout di di lickle turbulence pan di watas. Wi jus dadge wan hellova iceberg itch up ina di sea.  We about to land …eehhmm mi mean about to dock in about anoda half hour. Sit tightly and tenk unu for sailing the Titatnic. Your continued patronage is always welcome.

** The moral of the story: Had it been Jamaicans on the Titanic, it would not have crashed and sunk. It would have reached New York late but it would have gotten there in one piece, nonetheless.**

© Joelle “Wendy” Wright

8/25/98