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PNP IMPOSED TAXES PROMPT PROTEST ON THE STREETS (Jamaican Sketch)

Boardlane TV: Good day to our viewers. Jamaicans are in an uproar over the recently announced tax package, which includes an inexplicable tax increase on consumer goods that will affect the poorest in the nation. Standing next to me is a mini-bus operator who is one of the hundreds of demonstrators here in the Papine area. Sir, tell us how this news will affect you.

Chucky: A madniss a gwaan inna di country lady. Fram di way mi look pan it, “Mama P” a cut in pan mi entatainment money. An I man naah stan fi dat!

Boardlane TV: What do you mean by “cutting into your entertainment? Explain.

Chucky:  As a bus man, mi haffi ensure seh mi  bus have aan some boss rims, have a big soun system an a fresh tint pan di window every mont. “Mama P”  goh put aan neda tax  pan di license plate dem an dat mean seh mi haffi goh chose between pay fi license an buy mi sub woofa!

Boardlane TV: Wait, wait…hold on a minute. I can see you being concerned  about gas, insurance expenses  and so on, but rims and stereo? What’s that about?

Chucky: How yuh mean? Nobaddy naah drive inna bus unless it a shock out an have high-powa speaka a blaze aff di roof. If mi noh have dat, money noh run. A nex man who have dem tings deh, get all di school girls an di shotta dem! Soh  dem can tax license plate all dem waan, but  if a di laas money mi have, di govament naah get a CENT!!!   Mi preffa tek mi money goh a my lickle spot an goh buy wan new speaka! A soh di ting set.   

Boardlane TV: So you are planning to be defiant? Is that it?

Chucky: (Looking confused) Defiant? Explain to mi what dat is nice lady. Mi noh what dat word mean, baby doll.

Judith: (Jumping in) Seet deh!! Dats why Portia fi tek aff di blastid tax pan school book an di dictionary cause dats why wi have soh much rahtid, dunce bat like dah bway yah inna di country!    

Chucky: A who yuh a call dunce,  ku-kum-kum? GWEY! Yuh lang an mawga an shape like dem blurtneet mop stick. Betta yuh goh nyam some tun cornmeal before yuh rib cage gash fiyah  out yah. Goh sort out yuhself before yuh come chat to big man!

Judith: (Jumping in) For your information jancrow, Portia put tax pan carnmeal to, soh noh come chat to mi bout wah mi fi  goh nyam. Brite!

Boardlane TV: (Stepping in between the two) OK,OK. Enough. Where did you get the idea that cornmeal is taxed, miss?

Judith: Hi…is what yuh tink is di main ingredient inna patty? IS CARNMEAL! Is dat give it dat yellow cola.  (Roll eyes) Portia tink shi trixify, but mi know seh is nat  patty alone di tax deh pan. Is every blinking lickle ting weh use fi mek patty get tax. Di beef, di cornmeal, di scotch bonnet peppa , onion an tyme – di tax tun up pan every blastid sinting inna di patty!   

Puncy: (Weighing in) Portia wikid man. How shi fi tax di patty an noh tax di coco-bread? Is like seh shi a show wi seh a so-so coco bread wi fi nyam when wi cyaan fine money fi pay fi di patty! Dis is a national disgrace! Anytime poor people hungry, a patty wi defen. When wi cyaan buy a bax food, a patty wi defen! When bully beef scarce, a patty wi defen.  Poor people a drown unda tax an dead fi hungry sed time. Merciful Faada Gad, why shi neva lef di patty alone an put di tax pan Roti…caah nohbaddy naah nyam dat blastid Trini nastiness!

Boardlane TV:  I get you. Anybody in the crowd wants to address the tax on schools books?

Mavis: (Raising her hand) Yes lady! Mek mi seh sumting on dat cause a dat bun mi heart more dan anyting.  Is five pickney mi have a goh a school an di book tax ago sen mi a poor house fi sure. “Mama P” yuh is wrang fi dat. Nat because yuh cannot jain up two good wod inna sentence, mek yuh a try backword  fi wi pickney dem to. Poor people pickney have a right to dem school book free of tax soh dem noh haffi barrow dem wan aneda book fi study.  Madam Simpson,  you is teifing fram di pickney dem lunch money..cause is dat dem gwine to use  to pay fi yuh slavery tax! Tek aff di book tax wi seh or else wi ago boom up Gordon House an run yuh out!

Boardlane TV:  Thank you miss. With that, sir why are you here today in protest?

Vincent:  Lady, mi seh mi false teet drap outta mi mout when mi hear seh tax gaan pan fowl feeden and  hog feed.   Is tirty years mi a raise chicken an hag an neva si dem breeda vampire tax pan feeden.  Portia pramise Farmers govament subsidy fi help wi out an look weh shi a come wid now.  All weh ago happen now is when mi fowl dem dead fi hungry, mi haffi goh tek dem feed di hag dem.  Is 6 hog mi a raise fi sell an wan a dem a breed an shi always a look sinting fi nyam. If yuh noh mine sharp shi naym aff mi heel back when mi goh inna di pen. Now, how mi ago explain to dis ole swine seh mi cyaan afford di feeden fi gi har, eeh?   Kiss mi neck bway.

Boardlane TV:  That’s tough to hear. But please do not feed the chickens to the pigs. That’s not healthy.

Vincent:  Poor people haffi fine a way fi live unda di pressa cooka lady. Wi live inna times now weh yuh cyaan fling out dead fowl gi dawg like wan time. Yuh haffi mek new invention fi survive, an if di hag dem noh mine nyam di dead fowl, den soh it haffi goh. If Portia waan put tax pan dead fowl to, dat a fi har  bizness but a dat mi haffi goh tek mek hag feeden now.   

Boardlane TV:Thank you all for sharing your views with Boardlane TV. It is clear that Portia Simpson’s attempts to cure the maladies in the economy by increasing taxes have outraged the citizens. Will poor folks enjoy Juicy beef Patties as they use to? Only time will tell. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Have a pleasant day.  

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  June 4th, 2012

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

 

LIVE BROADCAST: Busy Signal Arrest – Reactions on the streets (Jamaican Sketch)

Popular Jamaican dancehall artist ‘Busy Signal’ was arrested by members of the Fugitive Apprehension Team at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston as he disembarked a flight. Busy Signal was said to be fugitive wanted on decade-old drug conspiracy charges in the U.S. He is also accused of travelling on false documents. The reaction from Jamaicans is one of dismay, shock and disbelief. Boardlane TV rushed to the scene out side the Norman Manley airport to get reactions.

Boardlane TV: Sir, you are standing here silently and seemed to be in shock. Can you give us your thought on the Busy Signal arrest this morning?

Willy: (Shaking his head) A mi artist dat enoh lady! Mi tan up yah soh cyaan believe weh mi a hear to blurtnaught. Fus Dudus an now Busy?! Mi waan fi know is why di US people dem have up di Yaadi dem soh? Every blastid minute dem a handcuff  wan a wi an a sen wi a jail fi nutten! Come een like dem tink di yaadi dem a prison accessory.

Boardlane TV: Sir, the charges stem from him falsifying his name and alluding authorities. Those are charges that are concerning, wouldn’t you agree?

Willy: (Snaps angrily) GOH WEH wid dat! Every man who DJ have false name. Everybady wid a brain know dat. Unu expec di man fi DJ unda im real name? Unu GWEH!

Boardlane TV: Mister, that is not the issue. Did you know that is real name is Glendale Gordon and not Reanno Gordon as he claims?

Willy: GOH WEH wid dat again! Look how much a wi inna Jamdung have two name! Fimi birt certificate seh “William Buddy Stroker” but people all bout call mi “Willy Stroker. Ediat talk yuh a talk. All weh a gwaan is dat di man a cut im chune dem an a gwaan good an di farrin serpent dem cyaan lef di yute mek im eat a food like everybady else.

Boardlane TV: Ok, clearly I am not getting you to understand what is at hand. Thanks for your time. Moving on. Sir come over here and tell me what is your reaction to this arrest.

Danny: Lady, mi noh have nutten too tough fi seh enoh. Dis wan tek di cake. Jah know! All mi know is, Busy and Dudus fi get National hero status. Straight!

Boardlane TV:  I don’t understand. Why do you believe Busy and Dudus are national heroes?

Danny: Well, history claim seh Nanny ketch shat in har b@tty and Sam Sharpe buss outta im shackles an cause a revolution. When yuh check it out Dudus get nuff shat inna fi im b@tty an still noh dead and Busy Signal buss out a fi ankle bracelet. Might as well dem gi dem di heroes tikle.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) OK. I hear you. Thanks for your time. How about you Miss. What do you have to say about all of this?

Claudia: (Wailing) How di rahtid Busy get imself inna dis dear Gad? Mi seh mi love Busy bad soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi a fret pan now is how im baby madda ago tek dis news… cause shi have wan hell of a big belly in front har deh now an di pickney soon drop? How di hell shi ago manige, eeh? Savior Gad, redeem wi!

Boardlane TV: Yes, that is indeed sad, But I am sure she will be OK.  You claim you are a big fan of Busy. Tell me more about that.

Claudia: Big, big fan Miss Lady. Anyweh Busy deh, I did follow backa im. If mi did have mi Visa, mi woulda falla im goh a di way a Englan weh im jus come fram. Mi love im soh til all mi woulda put aan ankle bracelet pan im foot miself fi stalk out im behine. (Wailing) Lawd mi God. Dancehall mash up now to rahtid cage! Dancehall business dun wid!

Boardlane TV: No ma’am. No need to be that dramatic. Dancehall will do just fine. Never mind. Dry your tears. We have just enough time to chat with one more individual. Sir, what is your take on this incident.

Lance: Bway a mi artical bredrin dat fi real. Mi an im move good an ting an mi jus cyaan believe seh mi bredrin did undacova all dese years.

Boardlane TV:  So you know Busy Signal personally?

Lance:  Yah man! An mi paardi datfi  bout 5 yrs now and mi come aan yah when mi hear di news pan di radio. Mi always a wanda why Busy neva waan goh a di States goh mek some dallas. Im tell mi seh im jus waan do di Canada an Europe circle caah as im explain it, di ‘Merican breeze noh good fi im skin. Im all show mi wan bwail pan im neck back weh im seh im get when im did expose to di ‘Merican weadda couple years ago.

Boardlane TV: And you believed that? You believe that someone could have a bump from exposure to the US climate?

Lance: Bway, mi neva questian it enoh lady. It did soun like sinting coulda goh soh but mi a fine out now seh a lie im did a tell mi now.  Di only ting im allergic to a US handcuff! Mi feel it fi im dowe caah right now im ago goh fram Busy Signal to Dial Tone.

Boardlane TV: Thanks for talking with us. That is all for now folks. It appears that this astonishing news surrounding Busy Signal continues to send shock waves throughout the island. This is Wendy reporting live. Have a good day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 22, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

USAIN BOLT AND BELLE LUBICA SPLIT: REACTIONS ON THE STREETS (Jamaican Sketch)

Just six months into their relationship, there are reports that Usain Bolt, and Slovakian fashion designer Lubica Slovak, has ended. With the new turn of events, Boardlane TV took the streets once again to obtain reaction from the Jamaican people.    

Boardlane TV: Hello, how are you? Did you hear about the latest on the break up of Usain and Belle?  If so, what can you say about the matter?

Yvette: Well, is about dyam time dat dun wid. Dat was di langess 6 monts inna my life. Nutten more dan dat gyal a look free plane ride goh Londan fi di Olympics . Dats why shi goh hitch up harself unda Usain soh all of a sudden.  Fram mi si har, mi know seh shi a big ginal. Shi well paas har curfew time.. an Usian shoulda sen har back har yaad lang time.

Boardlane TV: Do you realize they are gown folks and they are allowed to make mistakes? What do you think about that?

Yvette: Dat is some blinking, dumb-ass mistake im mek! If im did inna soh much haste fi deh wid ooman, im neva si seh Yendi an Asafa lef?  Im  tek carelissness an  im mek Chino crape har up an im get lef wid buffy di vampire slayer! Im betta noh mek dat mistake again, arelse wi naah ramp fi trow rackstone inna im blouse an skirt head tap!

Boardlane TV: Ok then Miss …thanks for the candid remarks. Sir, step over here. What is your reaction to the Usain break up news now circulating?

Cotton Bud: (Stroking his chin) All mi can do is to speculate seh di stock unda di gyal frock neva too upright. A man naah lef a ooman soh if di ting TUN UP right. Mi a pree di girl Belle pan pan TV an  har bumpa nat even have aan noh park light pan it to  rahtid! Mi feel seh di bumpa neva fit Bolt cyar an shi cudden grease di rims, good an prapa! Yuh si mi? Dats why Bolt buss dah move deh.A di right ting im do still…caah if a girl cyaan charge di battery, shi haffi get erase, displace an  replace. Cotton Bud have di REAL TALK!  

Boardlane TV So Mister Cotton Bud, you really think the cause of the break up was due to lack of romance?

Cotton Bud:  A who seh anyting bout romance? A di bedroom wok mi a chat bout! Straight!  Romance a fi man like Jah Cure who  sing bout “Unconditional Love” an dem sheggries deh! (Kiss teet) Bolt a race harse …im noh have noh time fi slow romancing, dancing an prancing. Di man a defen pap dung bed spring an tear aff weave kina loving.   

Boardlane TV:  OK sir we will leave it there. Hi sir.. you with the yellow shirt. Can we get your reaction to the Bolt split. We are live on TV.

Garfield: Mi cyaan chat too lang enoh lady. Mi bus a come. But hear wah… mek mi mek dis ting shart an sweet. Bolt cyaan pronounce di gyal name a backside! When yuh hear Bolt a chat more time..it come een like im tongue a gallop fasta dan im bombawt brain!  Prably a call di gyal by di wrang name an shi shat im two bax an a deh soh di relationship get sour. Nex time im fi  deh wid ooman wid simple name like “Patsy, Suzette an Nadine.” (Seeing his bus driving away) DRIVA!! DRIVA whole aaan deh! Lady, mi gaan cause si yuh nearly mek mi bus lef mi a road. But put mi dung pan tape seh Bolt goh tek aan farrin ooman wid stooshas name weh im cyaan manige. Lickle more!

Boardlane TV: These are very interesting comments from the folks on the street. We have just enough time for one more point of view. Young lady, I see you have been standing there and listening in. What is your take?

Janet: You know I were very upset when I font out dat Bolt tek up wid dat girl. But I am very elastic dat im realize dat training for the Olympic gole muss be priority. On di odda han, mi feel kina sarry fi im.

Boardlane TV: I think you meant “ecstatic” and not “elastic”. Anyway, why do you feel sorry for him?

Janet: Now dat im doan have a ooman in im life, im might get backed up an dat load may cause im to slow down pan di track. Im need time to release all of that … uuuhhmm ..yuh know… uhhmmm. Well, let us juss say dat im lickle tadpoles need fi tek a swim wance in a while. Dis could be hardardous fi im.

Boardlane TV: The word is “hazardous.” So would you say you would rather him stay with Miss Lubica?

Janet: No, no no! Nat she! Smaddy else! Shi may name Lubica but she is NO lubricant?! Shi noh have what it takes fi tickle Bolt pickle. Dat is my honest opinion. Im waan wan a dem sexy gyal fram country weh can do Satan wok pan Satidey an mek im wake up Sunday marning a bawl fi Jesas Chrise! Tek it fram mi..is dat I believe im waan! Mi wish im di very bess dowe, cause a mi hawt dat. Bolt to di woorrll!!!

Boardlane TV: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Well, the ever so candid remarks from the Jamaican people are always interesting to hear. We certainly hope for the best for the Olympic star and his upcoming performance at the 2012 Olympics.  This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Thanks for joining us.

 

© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 10, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

 

Asafa Powell Speaks: Reaction to Yendi’s Pregnancy (Jamaican Sketch)

Good day to our Boardlane TV viewers, we apologize for breaking into today’s scheduled programming to bring you an impromptu press conference called by Asafa Powell. The Jamaican sprinter has felt the need to respond to the frenzy created by Yendi Philips’ announcement that she is now carrying Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor’s child. We are at the Pegasus hotel where various TV, Radio and Newspaper media are at the conference questioning Mister Powell.

Boardlane TV: Asafa, tell us how you heard the news that Yendi is expecting a child.

Asafa: ‘Ello an good day everybody. Give mi a moment please, let mi collect miself (Holding back tears). Fus ting fus. Mi is jus a shock as everybody. Wan a mi bredrin wake mi up dis marning an a tell mi Yendi announce pan Facebook seh shi buss a breed fi Chino. Mi tink a joke bizness im a run…but mi jump outta mi bed sed speed an goh check it out. Right pan Facebook to blurtnaught mi si Yendi belly wid five black, stumpy finga pan it!  Yiye wata come a mi yeye sed time!

TVJ: Asafa, did you know that Daniel and your ex were a couple?

Asafa:  Naah! Mi neva did a suspec seh Yendi a do di Gully creep. As a mata a fac,  mi nat even did know seh mi lose di wok. Up to wah day mi clock in a do my time an now mi get fi fine out seh Chino a work pan di case full time plus tax!

Observer: Wait a minute, she says she is 17 weeks pregnant. Are you implying that up until 17 weeks ago you two were still considered an item?

Asafa: (Counting fingers) Mek a si now. Seventeen weeks ago…. minus today, dat is…ahhmm.. Help mi out wid dah wan yah… mi only faas pan di track, mi noh too faas pan Maths. How much days ago dat equal to boss?

Observer: Forget the question. Just tell us how you feel about the two getting together and now expecting a child.

Asafa: How mi feel? MI BEX! An mi a si RED  an mi mad, sick inna mi head! Fus, Bolt beat mi fi di gole an now Chino come beat mi to di right hole! Naah man! Mi cyaan goh dung soh star! (sobbing) Mi did know seh sumting neva right enoh, caah mi cudden figga out how mi jus a fiyah bare blank shat soh?!  A soh mi shoot.. a soh mi miss. A  di wrang hole mi deh to blurtnaught!

Boardlane TV: Well, as you know Mister Daniel ‘Chino’ McGregor is no rookie. He has fathered a child before so I guess he knows just the right temperature needed to bake the bread in the oven. Could it be that you are not able to get rid of your daemons and get to the finish line?

Asafa: What duppy have to do wid dis matta?! Di fact a di matta is, wi noh know if a jacket shi a pin pan im yet.  Di jacket noh muss fit im caah mi a Polyester an im a Gabadine! Mi a A-Class and im a re-pass! Im cyaan reach my league, soh mi naah watch noh face.

RJR: So would you like a DNA test conducted when the child is born? Is that what you are getting at?

Asafa: No DNA necessary! Look pan my big nose for instance. Dat is a very strang gene weh a come fram my granfaada. All yuh haffi do a look pan di pickney nose and di farrid. If di baby barn wid im nose flare up like wan jack-ass, den a my yute dat. If im barn wid big farrid like di McGregor breed, den a Chino win di race by a buck farrid an a half.

TVJ: How will this affect your mental state in preparation for the 2012 Olympics?

Asafa: Mi ago tell mi coach seh mi have a very serious injury an mi cyaan run. Mi dun fi di year.

TVJ: You are injured?! Injury to what, may I ask?

Asafa: Mi a suffa fram bruise to mi ego. Yendi an har man mash mi carn an stampede pan mi balls. Dem a willy bounce all ova mi pride. Mi naah goh able fi function inna di race soh mi haffi pull out!

Boardlane TV: Mister Powell, aren’t you going to disappoint you fans by making the decision to pull out this early?

Asafa: (sobbing) Bway, mi noh know yaah man. Mi cyaan tink straight right now caah if mi neva pull out soh blastid quick when mi did deh pan di work, a woulda mi a hold up Yendi belly pan Facebook yah now. Mi gaan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Asafa Powell is visible upset from this news event and has abruptly left the podium. As this story develops, we will try to bring you more. This is Wendy reporting for Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  April 23, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

USAIN BOLT AND BELLE LUBICA: REACTIONS ON THE STREETS OF TRELAWNEY (Jamaican Sketch)

Recently, a picture of Usain Bolt and Slovakian born fashion designer, Belle Lubica kissing, started  a wave of charged remarks on the web among Jamaicans both abroad and on the island. BoardlaneTV visited the small community of Sherwood Content in Trelawny where the record holding sprinter was born and raised to get reactions from the residents.  We now bring you the reactions to the story.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon young lady. Boardlane TV here live. We are trying to get opinions on the infamous Bolt and Belle kissing photo. Do you have any comments on the matter?

Vinette: (Hands akimbo) Lady, a troo yuh noh know how di sinting BUN MI! Dah bway deh want a bax cross him face wid mi rubba, flip flop slippas! Afta all  di pretty, black beauty Queens dem weh yuh si pallaaf a beach, why di backside im haffi goh pick up wan white ooman, eeh?! Imagine di shock to mi spleen when mi si Bolt wid im crusty mout pan di White Witch of Rose Hall. Im waan two b!tch lick!  Trus mi!

Boardlane TV: Wow, you really feel strongly about this. Is that how everyone around here feels about this alleged relationship?

Miriam: (Grabbing the Mike) Gimmi dah mike yah mek mi talk pan dis. Mi have wan sinting fi ask. Did dis gyal Belly Lube know dis bway when im did a chase dankey up di hill when im was a yute? NO! Matta a fact mek I ask aneda question to Miss Lube.  Did yuh know Usian when im did a walk goh a primary school wid im trousis batty tear out and im boot a beg bread? If yuh know wah good fi yuh Miss Belly Lube – yuh jus tan soh back an lef wi prodigal son! Yuh dyam face tuff like dem blastid hardcover book!

Boardlane TV: Ooohhh that was harsh! Sir , do you feel as strongly as the lady about Mister Bolt and his European girlfriend?

Roger: Lady, a fram marning di woman dem out yah a cuss enoh!  Kiss mi mumma! Yuh woulda tink seh a dem Bolt leff fi deh wid di ooman.  What dem doan undastan is dat Bolt gaan worl-wide now. Im ratings gaan international an di man ago waan sample some farrin food. Im cyaan feed pan ghetto meat all di time – it wi bine im up. Im jus a try a new flavor an if im try it an feel seh it noh have enuff spice, im wi dash it weh. Dem fi jus cool an lowe di man. But im betta be careful di whole heap a sample im a tek dowe – im might tek craven an tun roun get pizen!

Miriam: (Yelling in back) Mek im backside noh come home wid di Gole inna di Olympics! Before im goh train fi win di gole, im busy a pick up dutty Gole-digga! Dis blastid, dish claat bway tink im tun towel… a gwaan like im noh know seh a bush im come fram!

Linda: A troo man! A weh di gyal come fram by di way? A di fus mi eva hear bout she.

Boardlane TV: She is native of Slovakia but she resides here in Jamaica. Does that make it any better?

Linda: Nat a dyam! Fus to begin, mi wudden even know weh fi fine dat deh place pan di map. It soun like a some place pan Jupita an dat would explain why shi soh fayva space monkey! Mi noh like har! Bolt did have wan sweet, black girl noh too long and all dat gyal wanted outta Bolt was a lickle smallz fi  put inna wan fix deposit account. Shi did a plan fi buy wan stoosh apartment a Red Hills. Dis gyal wid har agriculture ginga toe, a look deposit fi buy Benz an shi want im fi put har up inna Sandals every week.

Boardlane TV: How do you come to such a conclusion about someone you do not know, Miss?

Vinette:(Interrupting) Wi noh haffi know har!! A soh all a dem white ooman dem tan! As dem si di black man dem a mek  millions, dem come een like mad bull pan stampede fi henka!  Granted, di whole a wi know seh Bolt is di worl fastess man, but im is NAT di world most handsomess man. Di head im have, it shape like dem gungo peas an im  fayva dem dankey in front a hand cyat. Soh you tell mi wey shi a do wid im, if nat fi di money?

Boardlane TV: Well, you may have a point there. Miss, you must have known Usian as a child seeing that you are one of the community’s elders. Would you mind giving us your take on this matter?

Florence: Yes mi love. Mi use to change im nappy when im madda leff im wid mi when shi goh market. All mi have to seh is Usain is not intelligently circumcised. Mi tink sinting did goh wrang when im a get circumcised, cause im head noh tan good if a really dis farrin, licky-licky gyal im deh wid.

Boardlane TV: She is a Fashion Designer, Madam. She seems to be holding her own.

Florence: (Kissteet) Di only fashion shi know bout is “falla fashion!” Shi fi puddung di neegle an tread an goh larn fi cook hog foot soup , goat belly soup, an run dung cause a dat Bolt ago waan nyam any how dem marrid.  Soh help mi Gad, if a neva fi wan ting, a tek a pieca macka stick an beat out Bolt kacka di nex time im come yah. Im tink im too big fi get lick but watch mi an im if im noh lef dat Golgate cola gyal.

Linda: A true Miss Florence. Shi fayva dem mash up  tube a Aquafresh! Mek shi goh siddung!

Roger: Bway unu dangerous noh bax cova! Mi jus hope sey Bolt lickle soljah dem noh run faas like im an goh breed har. Arelse hell pap a Jamaica yah! Di govament woulda haffi gi har security 24/7,  cause dem yah bad mine ooman yah goodly drive truck ova she an di belly an kill aff di ooman.

Boardlane TV: Well that about sums up how things may get very heated for Mister Bolt if the relationship picks up steam.  Thank you all for being so candid with me. One can only hope that this too shall pass. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 15, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It!  &  A Soh It Goh!

LIVE BROADCAST: Prince Harry Visits Kingston Craft Market (Jamaican Sketch)

BoardLane TV has learned that Prince Harry took time out to visit Kingston’s Craft market earlier today. We have footage of  Prince Harry’s visit to the market.  Harry, dressed casually in an open-necked blue linen shirt, navy blue trousers and blue suede boots, was seen with his entourage walking along the side-walk heading to the Craft market. He seems un-phased by the usual hustle and bustle of the Kingston streets. As he strides along, a bus conductor tries to get his attention:

Devon: (Yelling from the steps of a mini-bus) Yow Prince Harry Potta! READY BUS DIS!! SAINT TAMAS WI A GOH! READY BUS!  A Saint Tamas yuh a head, my yute?

Harry:  (With a strong British accent) No mon. I am going to the Craft Market, just up ahead. Not going to Saint Thomas, or whatever you just said.

Devon: Trus mi star! Di Craft Market naah gwaan wid nutten inna di day yah, my yute. If yuh waan si some entatainment,  step up inna dis mek wi carry dung a Saint Tamas pan an mek wi show yuh some bus a swim inna di riva wata.  Di Craft Market canna cross dat!

Harry: Really? Buses swim in the river? That sounds awesome lad! But I’ve got to get to the market. Thanks for the offer though friend. Off you go!

Melvin: (Races towards the Prince) Whappen Harry?! Come mek mi show yuh ‘roun di market. By di way, mi love how yuh did duss out Bolt pan di track wah day. Touch mi my yute!  A yuh a di nex worl boss.  Anyway, mi a beg yuh lef someting gi mi fi mi trubbles dowe.

Harry:  (Still walking) I don’t have cash on me , sir. My security team didn’t think it was safe for me to be walking around with dollars in my pocket. Sorry, I have nothing to give you.

Melvin:  Ah-rite  dat cool mi bredrin. But hear wah yuh can do fi mi, zeen? Let aff dah blue Clarks boot an gi di I noh!  Di Clarks tun up til it buck! Soh weh yuh a seh? Man ago let aff di boot pan di I?

Harry: If I do that, then what on earth will I wear back to my quarters? The Prince of Wales need to have shoes on his feet. Besides there are holes in my socks. That would be all over the tabloids before I get back to England.

Melvin: No problem man!  Mi can carry yuh  ova to Aunty Edna stall. Shi sell all kina boot weh can fit yuh foot. Trus mi dread…. Miss Edna wi set yuh straight wid  wan har secan han crep dem.  Wah size yuh wear?

Harry:  (Smirks) You are off your trolley! My shoes stays with me. Sorry pal. I can find my way around. Take care.

Vendors spot the Prince as he walks by and yell to get his attention:

Blossom: RASTA TAM! BIG HEEL BOOT, CHA-CHA BWAY BELT! Come inna dis Prince Harry!

Desmond:  BRAN NEW GAZA CD! MAD MIX TAPE! BRAN NEW BOUNTY KILLA CHUNE A SELL AFF YAH SOH!  Harry Toddla , weh yuh a seh? Buy a CD tape fram mi noh bredrin. A five a di English pound fi wan a dem. Dem MAAAADD mi a tell yuh!

Harry:  They are mad as in crazy?  Like a lunatic?     

Desmond: Naah bredrin, MAADDD as in dem sell aff! A soh it goh!

Harry:  But if they are sold off…why do you still have so many in your hands and in that plastic bag?

Desmond: A wah do yuh Harry Toddla? Yuh come een like yuh naah penny weh mi a try  seh to yuh.

Harry:  Soh now they cost a penny? Thought you said they were 5 pounds? Which is it? I am confused.

Desmond: Dread, a yuh a canfuse di issue enoh! Yuh a gwaan like yuh cyaan undastan  weh big man a seh to yuh to blurtnaught! Yuh know wah. Gwaan weh yuh a goh,  cause mi an yuh noh deh pan di same level when it come to di communikatian, zeen. Mi cyaan chat fi yuh kina English.. so jus level, yuh hear. (Walking a way)  BRAN NEW GAZA CD! MAD MIX TAPE  A SELL OUT!

Bernicia: (Waving) Hi dere! Ova here soh handsome Prince Charming.  Princes Di wan, an only wash belly, come buy some’in fram mi noh!

Harry:  (Looking around her stall) Your wares look splendid! What would you suggest I get?

Bernicia:  (Holding up a t-shirt) Buy wan a dem ganzi yah wid di iteS, green an gole pan di front. Mi waan when yuh step aff di plane a Englan yuh bash out like any Rasta! Den yuh can get wan a dem big mug yah wid di ackee pan it.  Mi know seh yuh an yuh bredda love drink unu tea soh buy wan a dem fi im to.

Harry:  Sounds good to me. I would love to get those.

Bernicia:  (Excited) Yuh know what to Harry? Fram wah day mi a notice seh yuh bredda, William, head peal out. Soh buy wan a  dem yah trash out Rasta Tam fi im fi cova im head tap. Den yuh sista-in-law, Katy now, shi wi look good inna dis taalll ears-ring wid di Doctor bud a heng aff pan it. Soh wi cova di national dish and di National bud inna wan buy! How dat soun?

Harry:  Marvelous!! My security team will pay for them  and give you a little extra for your kindness. Thank you so much… eerr what’s your name?

Bernicia:  Bernicia Adams, dear lovely Prince Charming.  Yuh soh cute. Wan more ting mi waan fi howks yuh dowe, Miss Dianna wash belly.

Harry:  What’s that?

Bernicia:  Yuh can sen fi mi fi come a Englan come mine yuh? Mi wash clothes good enoh and mi can cook anyting yuh want mi eat – yam, roast breadfruit, hog tongue, cow tripe – yuh name it! Mi han good wid broom an mop and mi skilled in bleaching an such tings.

Harry:  (Smiling) No thank you, Bernicia. My Gran-mum has that taken care of.  Keep your peckers up though! Thanks for the souvenirs.  Off I go.

Boardlane TV:  Well folks, that wraps up the footage we have on the Prince Harry’s outing at the market. We are happy to report that he did not end up visiting Saint Thomas to watch the buses swim in the Yallahs River. Enjoy the rest of your day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 8, 2012

LIVE BROADCAST: From the Jail Cell of Dancehall Star, Vybz Kartel (Jamaican Satire)

Reggae Dancehall star Vybz Kartel has been in police custody in Jamaica since October 1, while he awaits trail for two murder cases. This morning Boardlane TV received reports that the super star has escaped from his jail cell. The reports are that Kartel started a riot at the Horizon Adult Remand Centre in Jamaica early on Wednesday morning (November 30), and managed to escape with seven other inmates after holding officers at gunpoint. Boardlane TV is on location in an attempt to get to the bottom of this story.

Boardlane TV: We are here at the Horizon Adult Remand correctional facility speaking to the head warden who was on duty this morning when the alleged escape occurred. Mister Jacobs, can you confirm or disprove that prisoner, Adidja Palmer, AKA Vybz Kartel has escaped?

Warden Jacobs: Kartel escape?!! Kiss mi neck! A weh yuh a seh to mi?!! (Waving frantically) OFFICA WILLIAMS, BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN— DI CAKE SOAP BWAY ESCAPE AN GET WEH!!

Boardlane TV: Mister Jacobs, hold on a second. We are not sure if the reports are factual. MTV news, a foreign news outlet, reported that he even sent out a tweet to his fans this morning about his escape. I am just here to find out facts, sir. Is he here or not?

Warden Jacobs: Lady, a weh di backside unu a waste mi time fah? Is he deh yah or is he nat deh yah? How di kackafart mi fi know dat? Ah-rite, come wi goh dung a im cell goh check. But mi a warn yuh, when yuh reach dah cell deh, cova yuh nose cause in deh tink a piss.  Dah bway deh noh stap piss up imself when wi a beat out im racko tail!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear! That’s sounds horrible. (Walking along) So Mister Jacobs, how can you be the head of this facility and not be sure if one of your inmates escaped. Is that a sign of negligence on your part, sir?

Warden Jacobs: Soh yuh noh tink big man fi sleep a night time?! (Kiss teet) Yuh tink mi can tan up an watch di ole dutty criminal dem whole night? Anyway, dis facility yuh si here mek outta di bess raw material money can buy weh import fram China. Nobaddy cyaan escape fram yahsoh. An to how Kartel skin have every blastid cola inna di rainbow, bout im a coloring book, my guardsman dem can spot im a mile. Si di cell a come up.

Boardlane TV: Ok, let’s see. For your sake I hope he is in there.

Warden Jacobs: (Banging on the jail cell) GAZA?! Weh yuh deh? Show yuh face, Mista Clorox bleach!!

Vybz Kartel: (From under his bed) Who dat a bawl out fi di Gaza!  (Oh!)

Warden Jacobs: Come fram undaneat di bombeet bed an come talk to dah news lady yah. Shi waan know if yuh escape dis marning.

Vybz Kartel: (From under his bed) Yow King, yuh noh si seh mi unda mi bed. Yuh cyaan jus tell di ooman seh mi noh escape YET (Oh!) Mi cyaan come out til when di sun set pan di wess dread. Di sun hat a bun out mi face to blurtseed. A ongly mi nose still bleach out star. Mi cyaan mek nohbaddy si mi soh iyah! (Oh!)

Boardlane TV: It’s OK Mister Jacobs. We now know that he is still in custody. Let him stay.

Warden Jacobs: (Banging on the jail cell) GAZA, MI SEH FI GIT UP an come chat to di people mek dem know seh yuh noh deh pan Tweaka!

Boardlane TV: Tweaka? What the heck is “Tweaka”?

Warden Jacobs: Noh yuh tell mi jus a while ago seh Kartel tweek sinting to di wukliss people dem weh a falla back a im. Di sinting pan computa man… a noh tweaka it name?

Boardlane TV: Sir, that is “Twitter!”  Mister Jacobs, let him stay. Clearly he does not want to be exposed to the sun. We can now confirm he has not escape. Do you know how this rumor became so wide spread?

Vybz Kartel: (Chanting and singing)

Check di dutty bway name Movado!

Man a gwaan like mi an im a fren but dem a wish mi life en (oh!)

Troo im waan mi babby modda, im a try put mi inna hot wata (oh!)

Gaza a di teacha’s pet… when mi touch back a road, mi a di biggess tret.

Dem man deh noh stap tek di pizen dope but mi still a wash mi face wid di cake soap (oh!)

Boardlane TV: That sounds like another hit song in the making, doesn’t it?

Warden Jacobs: A bare fawt im a chat!  Anyway, come aan now! Time unu an di news camera leave. Gaza deh yah! Goh tell di whole worl dat! An tell MTV fi stay outta yaad business. Weh dem fi penetrate is fi fine out who kill Tupac an Biggie an den tek dat mek news.

Boardlane TV: Well, this is Boardlane TV bringing you up to date news as we get them. The notorious Vybz Kartel is indeed safely secured under his bed at the Horizon Adult Remand Centre. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Nov 30th, 2011

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

LIVE BROADCAST From “Occupy Downtown“ (Jamaican Satire)

After weeks of watching the resistance movement calling itself “Occupy Wall Street”, the Jamaican people themselves have taken to the streets of downtown, Kingston.  The number of protesters on scene so far is in the thousands. The protest, which evolved from a network of individuals and groups galvanized by the demonstrations across United States, has brought people together from all walks of life to make specific demands.  Boardlane TV is live on the scene and was able to interview a few of the protesters.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, once again Boardlane TV is reporting from the streets of downtown, Kingston where a massive protest is on the way by concerned citizens of Jamaica.  I have with me here a business-like man from Constant Spring who has a lot to say about what he wants to see change in this country. Sir, could you talk to our viewers about your concerns?

Reginal: Yes, good afternoon. The reason for me being here is because I want to plea to the government to provide critical mass required to catalyzed redevelopment of the Eastern sector of Paradise Street and advocate for the expansion of the drainage system in the Southern limit across Kingston. I would like to also see the inclusion of the members of the diplomatic mission to influence entertainment and recreation around the Bellevue corridor.

Boardlane TV: Sir, you have lost me. What exactly are you talking about?

Reginal: Your guess is as good as mine baby love. Mi did jus waan soun intelligent on television an a dat mi practice fi seh whole night last night.  But I stan by everyting mi seh- even if it noh mek noh bloody sense. More time mi hear di politician dem a roun up dem mout an dem naah mek noh rahtid sense eida. Soh mi tink dat is language dem can andastan. Yuh feel mi?

Boardlane TV: Yes sir…I guess. But I thought this was about real causes here. Let me move on.  Young lady, you have a very interesting placard that decries Portia Simpson’s sense of style. What is that all about?

Denise: Well, as a hair dressa l tink it is in di bess interest of dis country dat Portia change har hairstyle. If shi did a kip up har hairdo wance in a while di economy woulda deh pan betta footing.

Boardlane TV: How so?

Denise: Well, fi startas mi personally woulda charge har whole heap a money jus fi comb out har hair. Den is aneda money fi aile it dung an aneda money fi gi har wan a dem tall hair weave mek  shi look like spring chicken. Dat deh wig looking sinting pan tap a har head spwail an it mek har look like Medusa pan steroid.  If shi come a my hairdressing parlor come do har hair, mi woulda mek a money fi spen. A soh di economy woulda get betta.  It simple soh!

Boardlane TV: Ahmn .. I don’t really think it is that simple, but if you say so. Thank you for your time. Hi Miss! Come over here and discuss your placard with us. Why have you decided to join this movement and what is your demand to the government?

Sandra: Yes mam…di ting weh bun mi why mi have to bi dung here is di fact dat dem lack up Vybz Kartel an mek “Teacha’s Pet”  flop out! Di show did a gwaan good pan Lime TV an all of a sudden sayka di jancrow police dem goh lack up di bway di show tap soh – BRAPS!

Boardlane TV: But he was arrested on the charge of double murder miss. Isn’t that serious enough for him to be in jail?

Sandra: Dat coulda wait til di show dun cause di show did ago sell aff! Plus it noh mek sense fi kip im inna jail when im alone risponsible fi di production of Cake soap inna di country. Di Supamarket Manija dem a seh Cake Soap sales a drap fram dem lack im up cause a im wan did a buy dem up.  How dat fi good fi di economy?  Cho rahtid man! Dis yah govament an di police force too blinking backwod! Dem naah run di country right a tall.

Boardlane TV: Ok my dear. Good luck with your protest. We have time to speak to one more person. Sir, your placard mentions the inequality of wealth. That sounds like a good platform. Tell us about your complaint regarding inequality.

Andy: Respec nice lady! My name is Andy Livingston an mi did enta di Festival competition dis year an come in 4th. Di people dem gi mi $100,000 an wan pieca iron trophy. But when mi tek a stock,  di man weh come in fus get 1 million an change.  A wah kina almshouse bizness dat?!  How im fi get soh much money an a pure ediat ting di man did a sing wid im foo-fool jump up dance weh noh tek. Dem coulda at leas gi mi half a million caah mi sang did wikid! Jah know seh mi a rue fi dat cause mi money shart.  A equal rights fi my portian a money mi a defen tideh!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear… what a story! Well folks, as you have just heard the people of the “Occupy Downtown” movement have their demands. Not very cohesive demands… none of them really make any sense for that matter, but we are just here to cover the news.   Have a lovely day until we report live again from Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 12th, 2011