Monthly Archives: May 2012

Parodies

LIVE BROADCAST: Busy Signal Arrest – Reactions on the streets (Jamaican Sketch)

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Popular Jamaican dancehall artist ‘Busy Signal’ was arrested by members of the Fugitive Apprehension Team at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston as he disembarked a flight. Busy Signal was said to be fugitive wanted on decade-old drug conspiracy charges in the U.S. He is also accused of travelling on false documents. The reaction from Jamaicans is one of dismay, shock and disbelief. Boardlane TV rushed to the scene out side the Norman Manley airport to get reactions.

Boardlane TV: Sir, you are standing here silently and seemed to be in shock. Can you give us your thought on the Busy Signal arrest this morning?

Willy: (Shaking his head) A mi artist dat enoh lady! Mi tan up yah soh cyaan believe weh mi a hear to blurtnaught. Fus Dudus an now Busy?! Mi waan fi know is why di US people dem have up di Yaadi dem soh? Every blastid minute dem a handcuff  wan a wi an a sen wi a jail fi nutten! Come een like dem tink di yaadi dem a prison accessory.

Boardlane TV: Sir, the charges stem from him falsifying his name and alluding authorities. Those are charges that are concerning, wouldn’t you agree?

Willy: (Snaps angrily) GOH WEH wid dat! Every man who DJ have false name. Everybady wid a brain know dat. Unu expec di man fi DJ unda im real name? Unu GWEH!

Boardlane TV: Mister, that is not the issue. Did you know that is real name is Glendale Gordon and not Reanno Gordon as he claims?

Willy: GOH WEH wid dat again! Look how much a wi inna Jamdung have two name! Fimi birt certificate seh “William Buddy Stroker” but people all bout call mi “Willy Stroker.”  Ediat talk yuh a talk. All weh a gwaan is dat di man a cut im chune dem an a gwaan good an di farrin serpent dem cyaan lef di yute mek im eat a food like everybady else.

Boardlane TV: Ok, clearly I am not getting you to understand what is at hand. Thanks for your time. Moving on. Sir come over here and tell me what is your reaction to this arrest.

Danny: Lady, mi noh have nutten too tough fi seh enoh. Dis wan tek di cake. Jah know! All mi know is, Busy and Dudus fi get National hero status. Straight!

Boardlane TV:  I don’t understand. Why do you believe Busy and Dudus are national heroes?

Danny: Well, history claim seh Nanny ketch shat in har b@tty and Sam Sharpe buss outta im shackles an cause a revolution. When yuh check it out Dudus get nuff shat inna fi im b@tty an still noh dead and Busy Signal buss out a fi ankle bracelet. Might as well dem gi dem di heroes tikle.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) OK. I hear you. Thanks for your time. How about you Miss. What do you have to say about all of this?

Claudia: (Wailing) How di rahtid Busy get imself inna dis dear Gad? Mi seh mi love Busy bad soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi a fret pan now is how im baby madda ago tek dis news… cause shi have wan hell of a big belly in front har deh now an di pickney soon drop? How di hell shi ago manige, eeh? Savior Gad, redeem wi!

Boardlane TV: Yes, that is indeed sad, But I am sure she will be OK.  You claim you are a big fan of Busy. Tell me more about that.

Claudia: Big, big fan Miss Lady. Anyweh Busy deh, I did follow backa im. If mi did have mi Visa, mi woulda falla im goh a di way a Englan weh im jus come fram. Mi love im soh til all mi woulda put aan ankle bracelet pan im foot miself fi stalk out im behine. (Wailing) Lawd mi God. Dancehall mash up now to rahtid cage! Dancehall business dun wid!

Boardlane TV: No ma’am. No need to be that dramatic. Dancehall will do just fine. Never mind. Dry your tears. We have just enough time to chat with one more individual. Sir, what is your take on this incident.

Lance: Bway a mi artical bredrin dat fi real. Mi an im move good an ting an mi jus cyaan believe seh mi bredrin did undacova all dese years.

Boardlane TV:  So you know Busy Signal personally?

Lance:  Yah man! An mi paardi datfi  bout 5 yrs now and mi come aan yah when mi hear di news pan di radio. Mi always a wanda why Busy neva waan goh a di States goh mek some dallas. Im tell mi seh im jus waan do di Canada an Europe circle caah as im explain it, di ‘Merican breeze noh good fi im skin. Im all show mi wan bwail pan im neck back weh im seh im get when im did expose to di ‘Merican weadda couple years ago.

Boardlane TV: And you believed that? You believe that someone could have a bump from exposure to the US climate?

Lance: Bway, mi neva questian it enoh lady. It did soun like sinting coulda goh soh but mi a fine out now seh a lie im did a tell mi now.  Di only ting im allergic to a US handcuff! Mi feel it fi im dowe caah right now im ago goh fram Busy Signal to Dial Tone.

Boardlane TV: Thanks for talking with us. That is all for now folks. It appears that this astonishing news surrounding Busy Signal continues to send shock waves throughout the island. This is Wendy reporting live. Have a good day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 22, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

Parodies

USAIN BOLT AND BELLE LUBICA SPLIT: REACTIONS ON THE STREETS (Jamaican Sketch)

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Just six months into their relationship, there are reports that Usain Bolt, and Slovakian fashion designer Lubica Slovak, has ended. With the new turn of events, Boardlane TV took the streets once again to obtain reaction from the Jamaican people.    

Boardlane TV: Hello, how are you? Did you hear about the latest on the break up of Usain and Belle?  If so, what can you say about the matter?

Yvette: Well, is about dyam time dat dun wid. Dat was di langess 6 monts inna my life. Nutten more dan dat gyal a look free plane ride goh Londan fi di Olympics . Dats why shi goh hitch up harself unda Usain soh all of a sudden.  Fram mi si har, mi know seh shi a big ginal. Shi well paas har curfew time.. an Usian shoulda sen har back har yaad lang time.

Boardlane TV: Do you realize they are gown folks and they are allowed to make mistakes? What do you think about that?

Yvette: Dat is some blinking, dumb-ass mistake im mek! If im did inna soh much haste fi deh wid ooman, im neva si seh Yendi an Asafa lef?  Im  tek carelissness an  im mek Chino crape har up an im get lef wid buffy di vampire slayer! Im betta noh mek dat mistake again, arelse wi naah ramp fi trow rackstone inna im blouse an skirt head tap!

Boardlane TV: Ok then Miss …thanks for the candid remarks. Sir, step over here. What is your reaction to the Usain break up news now circulating?

Cotton Bud: (Stroking his chin) All mi can do is to speculate seh di stock unda di gyal frock neva too upright. A man naah lef a ooman soh if di ting TUN UP right. Mi a pree di girl Belle pan pan TV an  har bumpa nat even have aan noh park light pan it to  rahtid! Mi feel seh di bumpa neva fit Bolt cyar an shi cudden grease di rims, good an prapa! Yuh si mi? Dats why Bolt buss dah move deh.A di right ting im do still…caah if a girl cyaan charge di battery, shi haffi get erase, displace an  replace. Cotton Bud have di REAL TALK!  

Boardlane TV:  So Mister Cotton Bud, you really think the cause of the break up was due to lack of romance?

Cotton Bud:  A who seh anyting bout romance? A di bedroom wok mi a chat bout! Straight!  Romance a fi man like Jah Cure who  sing bout “Unconditional Love” an dem sheggries deh! (Kiss teet) Bolt a race harse …im noh have noh time fi slow romancing, dancing an prancing. Di man a defen pap dung bed spring an tear aff weave kina loving.   

Boardlane TV:  OK sir we will leave it there. Hi sir.. you with the yellow shirt. Can we get your reaction to the Bolt split. We are live on TV.

Garfield: Mi cyaan chat too lang enoh lady. Mi bus a come. But hear wah… mek mi mek dis ting shart an sweet. Bolt cyaan pronounce di gyal name a backside! When yuh hear Bolt a chat more time..it come een like im tongue a gallop fasta dan im bombawt brain!  Prably a call di gyal by di wrang name an shi shat im two bax an a deh soh di relationship get sour. Nex time im fi  deh wid ooman wid simple name like “Patsy, Suzette an Nadine.” (Seeing his bus driving away) DRIVA!! DRIVA whole aaan deh! Lady, mi gaan cause si yuh nearly mek mi bus lef mi a road. But put mi dung pan tape seh Bolt goh tek aan farrin ooman wid stooshas name weh im cyaan manige. Lickle more!

Boardlane TV: These are very interesting comments from the folks on the street. We have just enough time for one more point of view. Young lady, I see you have been standing there and listening in. What is your take?

Janet: You know I were very upset when I font out dat Bolt tek up wid dat girl. But I am very elastic dat im realize dat training for the Olympic gole muss be priority. On di odda han, mi feel kina sarry fi im.

Boardlane TV: I think you meant “ecstatic” and not “elastic”. Anyway, why do you feel sorry for him?

Janet: Now dat im doan have a ooman in im life, im might get backed up an dat load may cause im to slow down pan di track. Im need time to release all of that … uuuhhmm ..yuh know… uhhmmm. Well, let us juss say dat im lickle tadpoles need fi tek a swim wance in a while. Dis could be hardardous fi im.

Boardlane TV: The word is “hazardous.” So would you say you would rather him stay with Miss Lubica?

Janet: No, no no! Nat she! Smaddy else! Shi may name Lubica but she is NO lubricant?! Shi noh have what it takes fi tickle Bolt pickle. Dat is my honest opinion. Im waan wan a dem sexy gyal fram country weh can do Satan wok pan Satidey an mek im wake up Sunday marning a bawl fi Jesas Chrise! Tek it fram mi..is dat I believe im waan! Mi wish im di very bess dowe, cause a mi hawt dat. Bolt to di woorrll!!!

Boardlane TV: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Well, the ever so candid remarks from the Jamaican people are always interesting to hear. We certainly hope for the best for the Olympic star and his upcoming performance at the 2012 Olympics.  This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Thanks for joining us.

 

© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 10, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!