LIVE BROADCAST From “Occupy Downtown“ (Jamaican Satire)

After weeks of watching the resistance movement calling itself “Occupy Wall Street”, the Jamaican people themselves have taken to the streets of downtown, Kingston.  The number of protesters on scene so far is in the thousands. The protest, which evolved from a network of individuals and groups galvanized by the demonstrations across United States, has brought people together from all walks of life to make specific demands.  Boardlane TV is live on the scene and was able to interview a few of the protesters.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, once again Boardlane TV is reporting from the streets of downtown, Kingston where a massive protest is on the way by concerned citizens of Jamaica.  I have with me here a business-like man from Constant Spring who has a lot to say about what he wants to see change in this country. Sir, could you talk to our viewers about your concerns?

Reginal: Yes, good afternoon. The reason for me being here is because I want to plea to the government to provide critical mass required to catalyzed redevelopment of the Eastern sector of Paradise Street and advocate for the expansion of the drainage system in the Southern limit across Kingston. I would like to also see the inclusion of the members of the diplomatic mission to influence entertainment and recreation around the Bellevue corridor.

Boardlane TV: Sir, you have lost me. What exactly are you talking about?

Reginal: Your guess is as good as mine baby love. Mi did jus waan soun intelligent on television an a dat mi practice fi seh whole night last night.  But I stan by everyting mi seh- even if it noh mek noh bloody sense. More time mi hear di politician dem a roun up dem mout an dem naah mek noh rahtid sense eida. Soh mi tink dat is language dem can andastan. Yuh feel mi?

Boardlane TV: Yes sir…I guess. But I thought this was about real causes here. Let me move on.  Young lady, you have a very interesting placard that decries Portia Simpson’s sense of style. What is that all about?

Denise: Well, as a hair dressa l tink it is in di bess interest of dis country dat Portia change har hairstyle. If shi did a kip up har hairdo wance in a while di economy woulda deh pan betta footing.

Boardlane TV: How so?

Denise: Well, fi startas mi personally woulda charge har whole heap a money jus fi comb out har hair. Den is aneda money fi aile it dung an aneda money fi gi har wan a dem tall hair weave mek  shi look like spring chicken. Dat deh wig looking sinting pan tap a har head spwail an it mek har look like Medusa pan steroid.  If shi come a my hairdressing parlor come do har hair, mi woulda mek a money fi spen. A soh di economy woulda get betta.  It simple soh!

Boardlane TV: Ahmn .. I don’t really think it is that simple, but if you say so. Thank you for your time. Hi Miss! Come over here and discuss your placard with us. Why have you decided to join this movement and what is your demand to the government?

Sandra: Yes mam…di ting weh bun mi why mi have to bi dung here is di fact dat dem lack up Vybz Kartel an mek “Teacha’s Pet”  flop out! Di show did a gwaan good pan Lime TV an all of a sudden sayka di jancrow police dem goh lack up di bway di show tap soh – BRAPS!

Boardlane TV: But he was arrested on the charge of double murder miss. Isn’t that serious enough for him to be in jail?

Sandra: Dat coulda wait til di show dun cause di show did ago sell aff! Plus it noh mek sense fi kip im inna jail when im alone risponsible fi di production of Cake soap inna di country. Di Supamarket Manija dem a seh Cake Soap sales a drap fram dem lack im up cause a im wan did a buy dem up.  How dat fi good fi di economy?  Cho rahtid man! Dis yah govament an di police force too blinking backwod! Dem naah run di country right a tall.

Boardlane TV: Ok my dear. Good luck with your protest. We have time to speak to one more person. Sir, your placard mentions the inequality of wealth. That sounds like a good platform. Tell us about your complaint regarding inequality.

Andy: Respec nice lady! My name is Andy Livingston an mi did enta di Festival competition dis year an come in 4th. Di people dem gi mi $100,000 an wan pieca iron trophy. But when mi tek a stock,  di man weh come in fus get 1 million an change.  A wah kina almshouse bizness dat?!  How im fi get soh much money an a pure ediat ting di man did a sing wid im foo-fool jump up dance weh noh tek. Dem coulda at leas gi mi half a million caah mi sang did wikid! Jah know seh mi a rue fi dat cause mi money shart.  A equal rights fi my portian a money mi a defen tideh!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear… what a story! Well folks, as you have just heard the people of the “Occupy Downtown” movement have their demands. Not very cohesive demands… none of them really make any sense for that matter, but we are just here to cover the news.   Have a lovely day until we report live again from Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 12th, 2011