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Parodies

OPRAH INTERVIEWS JAMAICAN MONGRELS – (Funny Spoof)

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144 terrier dogs got an opportunity to migrate to Canada, making them Jamaica’s first to be placed through the international dog adoption program. The mongrels were taken via a chartered flight, heading to various homes. Just weeks after settling in a foreign land, two friends sat down with Oprah Winfrey for a shocking and exclusive interview. Below is the transcript of the interview:

OPRAH: Meganne and Harley, thank for being here. You both agreed to sit down with me for a revealing interview about your lives in Jamaica and what led you to offer yourselves up for adoption. Let’s begin there. What made you dogs want to leave such a paradise, Jamaica?

MEGANNE: Miss Oprah, juss look pan wi an si how wi stay! Look how wi look old an sickly like disease tek wi up. An before yuh ask… NO! Wi noh gat Covid. Wi jus noh tan good fi wi age.

OPRAH: (Nods) Yes, you do look sorta old and weak. What gives?

MEGANNE: (Barks) LACK A FOOD! Before mi and Harley get inna di shelta, di lady weh wi did live wid neva eva, eva, eva gi wi a good meal yet fram di day wi bawn! Bare bun-bun fram di pot battom an stale food wid maggot pan it!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

HARLEY: A troo ting shi a talk Oprah. Yuh si all when mi nyam di stale food… mi belly cut mi like razor and when mi dee-dee up di place, di ooman tek har size 12 hoof an gi mi wan B!TCH kick inna mi gut side! More time mi fly troo di yaad fence!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

HARLEY: Aaa sah!  Mis Oprah, it was a blessed day di shelta come pick wi up or else wi woulda dead fi hungry! Di way how di bone dem inna mi rib cage rub teggeda, mi skin all start gash fire to blurtnaught! (SMH) Life did ruff, mi naah lie.    

OPRAH: (SMH): Hmmnn, Hmnnn! That sounds cruel and awful. So tell me about the people of Jamaica in general. I have been to Jamaica and the people are the most friendly and welcoming people in the world.

MEGANNE: (Laughs) Heh heya! Mi noh know bout noh friendly Jamaican. Neva meet dem yet! Dem people dung deh treat daag like dem a secan class citizen!

OPRAH (Raised Brow): Elaborate, please.

MEGANNE: (Cross legs) Well Oprah, mek I tell yuh story. Wan day mi a walk paas wan lady name, Miss Erva, house an shi did a kill fowl di day. Mi sight wan fat fowl leg lay dung pan peica zinc. Troo mi well hungry, mi run troo har gate an grab up di fowl leg dem an bolt. Yuh know seh di ooman wait til night when shi know seh mi a sleep an come a mi yaad come tek wan plywood an buss mi @ss ova di lilly fowl meat!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

MEGANNE: (Vex) Mi shoulda bite up har boombeet scaly foot dem but troo dem soh tough an dry, mi neva badda. Mi neva waan bruck di wan good teet Gad put inna mi mout.

HARLEY: (Chimes in) Miss Oprah yuh noh hear nutten yet. (Pointing) Yuh si dah big, black mark yuh si pan mi farrid?

OPRAH: Yes. It looks terrible! What happened to you there?

HARLEY: Well, dis happen fram wan a dem “nice Jamaicans” yuh a talk bout. Wan night I man horny yuh sheg! Mi did a look fi a nice piece fi goh shell dung. Wan stoosh b!tch did live 2 door fram mi. Soh mi goh check har an gi har a wan talk. Yuh shoulda si how di two a wi a rub wi nose tiggeda an puddung some sloppy wet kiss.

MEGANNE: (Fanning) Lawd Harley… skip di foreplay an get to di point! Mi is a daag inna heat yah now.

HARLEY: (Eyes wide open) Meg, shet up yuh leg dem! Yuh chun-chun deh pan red alert in front a Miss Oprah. A wah do yuh ooman?! (Continues) Anyway, as I was saying. Fi cut a lang story shart, mi an di gyal goh a di side a di house an pudding some daggy-style, lizzad lap, wheel barrow, Six tirty…mi did a kill har wid it, zeen! Dolly house mash up when har owna come round di carna an tek a big stone and klaat mi straight inna mi head! When mi come to …a pan wan road banking mi wake up inna wan pile a dankey dee-dee!

OPRAH: (Shocked): WHAT?!!

MEGANNE: Yuh tink dem nice to wi dung deh?! Mi is not a church going daag but mi have to give tanks to Gad Almighty fi show mercy soh wi can get wi Visa fi come a Canada.

OPRAH: You poor souls must be relieved. So how is life in your new home Meganne?

MEGANNE: (In a soft tone) Yuh mean “the Firm?”

OPRAH: (Curious) What do you mean by “the firm”? Is it bad there too?

MEGANNE: Well it noh too bad compared to what mi used to. But wan day mi owner gimmie some chicken soup inna wan silva bowl full to di brim! 

OPRAH: (Smiles) Aaaww…Well that’s nice.

MEGANNE: (Roll eyes) Nice mi backfoot! Di bloody soup nat evan have WAN flowa dumplin in deh! Bare so-so carrot an sinting name celery a swim inna di wata-dung soup. A which devil worshiper tell dese people seh yaad daag nyam carrot and celery, eeh?!

HARLEY: (Shocked): SEH WAH?! NO FLOWA DUMPLIN?! Dat is a sin before Jesas an im ten disciples!

OPRAH: Jesus had 12 disciples, Harley. Not ten. Anyway, how is your place, Harley? Are you comfortable? Is it like a “firm” too?

HARLEY: Everything good, enoh. Di only complain mi have a when mi new owna bark affa mi bout mi a run up dem phone bill. All mi a tell di lady seh mi have 13 baby modda mi haffi mine an dem a call I-man all troo di day a beg money since mi get di Visa, shi still noh get it (KMT).

OPRAH: (Raised Brow) I’d say you were one wild dog in Jamaica. 13?! Oh My Gosh! Anyway, one last question for you two. Despite all the challenges of living on the island, is there anything you miss about Jamaica that you can’t do in Canada? Meg, you first.

MEGANNE: Well, if mi ago bi trootful, mi miss di warm sunshine an di fact dat mi coulda walk a road. Up yah mi cyaan walk road unless smaddy have mi pan leash an a tag along behine mi. I HATE DAT YUH SI! Sometime mi waan leggo a big fawt but troo di ooman behine mi mi haffi let it goh lickle by lickle.   

HARLEY: (Nods in agreement): Yes, mi definitely miss di sunshine to an di ability to pup freely. Mi also miss di days when mi use to chase cyaar an bicycle, zeen. Mi cyaan do dat a Canada caah dem have too much rules an regulations. If mi eva try dat up yah, Babylon goodly write mi a ticket an all dem sheggries deh! An next ting govament DIP mi black backside back a country.

OPRAH: (Smiles) Well, Meganne and Harley, thank you for chatting with me. I have certainly learned more about your life as it was in Jamaica and I wish you both the best in your new lives.  

HARLEY: (Dap fist) Kool noh, sistren. One Love!

MEGANNE: (Flirts) Oprah, mi like yuh wig. Beg yuh it noh!

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 21, 2021

Jamaican Comedy Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!“

“A Soh It Goh!“

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

“A Soh Life Goh”

Parodies, Uncategorized

Tessanne Chin Wows The Voice: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)

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Jamaicans woke up to a natural high after witnessing Reggae superstar, Tessanne Chin, dominated night two of The Voice’s  blind auditions. Tessanne, who really had the judges going all-in, sang “Try” by Pink. The Jamaican had all four judges turned around by the time she hit the song’s chorus. Today Boardlane TV gets reaction from Jamaicans in downtown, Kingston.

Boardlane TV: Good day everyone, I am here in downtown Kingston where there a few elated Jamaicans gathered in a corner store still reminiscing about their home town girl’s performance on NBC’s, The Voice. Let’s hear what some of them have to say. Miss, step over here and tell us how you feel this morning after that wonderful performance by Tessanne Chin?

Joan: (Fanning away tears) Oh my sweet Jesas! Lady, a proud a Tennessee so til mi baddy WEAK!….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Her name is Tess-anne. Not “Tennessee” …that is the name of a State in the US.

Joan: Oh sarry! Dats why dem chiney people fi gi dem pickney name weh black people can pronounce, enoh. Cho! Ah-rite, soh what I were saying was dat Miss Tennessee gi dem a peica show deh! Mi seh, when di girl touch pan di fuss note mi jump up in spirit sed time. Den yuh si when di fuss chair tun roun .. a pan di grung mi deh wid asthma attack to fawt! Is mi son haffi carry mi ventilator sinting soh mi coulda breade again. Wooiiii! Excitement come ova mi dat mi nearly dead to rahtid! Tennessee, yuh sell aff, my girl!

Boardlane TV: Very nice…although you are still calling her “Tennessee.” Moving on. You Sir, was this a moment of pride and joy for you as it seems for everyone?

Graig: Den noh muss man! Bway, Jamaica really did need dis fi liff up wi spirit. Wi did a cry fi somting fi jubilate ova, caah si di blastid Reggae Boyz dem goh pan world stage goh put wi to shame wah day. Dah sinting still bun mi til dis day!  But Miss Tess really tun up har ting loud pan di stage an mek wi can HICE UP di black, green, and gold once more. Wi well prouda har bad!

Boardlane TV: Well done, sir. Thanks. Hi there, come and have a chat with me. Did you see the performance and what do you think of it?

Icilyn: Dat lickle gyal pickney did granny heart proud but shi have to be very, very careful what shi talk out of har mout mek certain people hear.

Boardlane TV: (Confused) Come again. What do you mean by that, madam?

Icilyn:  What I mean is, when Portia Simpson goh hear seh har singing is har Bread an Butta, shi naah goh do nutten but put aan more tax pan bread an butta. All Portia waan know is, if sinting a mek smaddy eat a food, it fi get tax an mi cyaan afford fi tax raise pan bread and butta caah dats all mi nyam a day time soh mi noh dead fi hungry.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckling) OK, madam. I hear you. Thank you for that Candid remark. Young miss, do you have anything else to add?

Rachel:  (Holding the Mike) Yes, I would like to say to Tessa dat di whole a wi back home pulling for you shuga plum-plum. Wi also very happy dat yuh pick Adam an nat dat Country half-ediat name, Blake. How im fi ask di girl if she has ever been to Jamaica? Noh yah shi barn an grow?! Mi seh some people ignorant and dunce yuh si man! (Kiss teet) Well, im an im bow foot can nobaddy tink im a win dis again caah it ago bi Adam an Tess TO DI WOORLLLLLL!! Jamaicans seh soh!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Well, we have just enough time for one more remark. Miss in the white blouse, come on over. Give us your feedback on the performance?

Bubbles: (Excited) Wooiiieee! Mi seh Missa Chin was di highlight a di night fi mi. Im jus goh pan di farrin TV an demand dat Tessa SHUT DEM DUNG BABY! Missa Chin noh tap jump up an prance like bull frag roun a back deh. But Lady, mi is a artical, rude gyal fram Vineyard Town an mi noh usually bawl fi much…but yuh si when Missa Chin start halla an seh, “Lawd mi lickle baby!” .. a buss out some cow bawling inna di place til all yeye wata soak mi ti-ti dem. Wi prouda all dem – dung to di puppa! Gad know!

Boardlane TV: Do you think she can win the competition?

Bubbles: Lady, dat is a very foo-fool questian! Anyting di yaadie dem inna wi haffi tek di Gold! Only di lickle football a gi wi trubble but a troo dem bway deh a play wid two lef foot. Tessanne Chin a tek dis ting to dem! Nobaddy cyaan compare!

Boardlane TV:  Well folks, there you have it. A very jubilant set of Kingstonians celebrating Jamaica’s Tessanne Chin’s appearance on the Voice which they deem a very proud and eventful night for Jamaicans around the word. This has been Wendy reporting from Kingston. Thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  September 25, 2013

Books by the author:

“A Soh Wi Do It!“

“A Soh It Goh!“

“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/

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Parodies

LIVE BROADCAST: A RASTA TO MARRY JOHN BOEHNER’ DAUGHTER – Reactions from the streets

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Boardlane TV has learned that House Speaker John Boehner’s 35 year old daughter, Lindsay Boehner, is set to marry Jamaican-born Rastafarian, Dominic Lakhan. Reports are that Speaker Boehner is not happy about his daughter’s choice for a fiancée. But how do Jamaicans feel about this union? Boardlane TV took to the streets to gauge reactions.

 
Boardlane TV: Excuse me sir. I am looking for some opinions on a story we are following. The Speaker of the house is about to be the father-in-law of a Jamaican Rastafarian. What do you think about that?

Ruddy:  SEH WAH?! Mi noh know a who dem  enoh, sistren. Yuh have a pictra fi show mi?

Boardlane TV: Sure! (Showing him photos) This is a photo of the Boehner family and this is the photo of her Jamaican fiancée. As you can see, he is clearly a Rasta.

Ruddy: Kiss mi neck! (Singing) Guess who’s coming to dinna…Natty Dreadlocks!  Bway, di bo-bo dread ago create inta-racial HISTORY to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Why do you say that? There have been many Dreads who have dated Caucasian women before. This isn’t new.

Ruddy: Look yah man…di puppa orange and di  gyal look orange to. Dem  deh people noh white!  Im ago bi di fus Ras fi marrid inna orange family. (Laughing hard) If dem eva have any pickney, dem a goh have color like carrot an pumpkin. Wooiiiii!!

Boardlane TV: Fair enough. Thanks for your comments, sir.  Now you Mister, do you have an opinion on the relationship between Speaker Boehner’s daughter and the Jamaican Rasta?

Kirk: (Shaking his head)  Weh mi waan fi know is how dis Dread tek up imself an gaan mix up imself wid poli-trikcian pickney. Mi a bun a fiyah caah Boehner is a man weh nat even waan legalize di herb much less fi have weed head inna im family. Mek im tan deh til  Boehner  get a immigration man fi dip im blousecut back a yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s interesting but maybe the relationship is a real and genuine one. What do you think about that?

Kirk: (Kissteet) REAL?!! Di dread nat even real to brown daaag. Di man all a nyam Sausage McMuffin fram MacDonald’s an a drink diet Coke! Everyting bout dis ting circumspect. Mi naah feel dah wan yah a-tall, Jah know!

Boardlane TV: LOL. Thanks for your candid remarks sir. Let me get another opinion from this lady.  You look disturbed. What do you have to say about this relationship?

Miss Delcy: Yuh know something noh smell right wid dis ting yah.

Boardlane TV: Why do you say so, miss?

Miss Delcy: Mi is a very old woman but mi have plenty wisdom inna mi head. How comes dis rasta bway penetrate disyah big family soh easy an im anoh smaddy important?  Mi mine tell mi sey is Portia Simpson set up di bway fi fren up dis gyal fi get favors fram di US govament.

Boardlane TV: I am lost. What are you talking about?

Miss Delcy: Portia a tek time mash up Jamaica an a run it inna bankruptcy. Shi plant dis Rasta inna di govament fi im fi try get farrin aid fi help bail har out of har worries. An shi prably set im up fi beg Boehner fi gi Jamaica a bly fi sell ganja to di US fi lickle an nutten. Mi have a clear vision pan wah a gwaan. Dis is a undacova plan.

Lisa: (Intervenes) Lady, mi noh tink nat a bloody ting goh soh caah mi hear seh di bway did get lack up fi weed an Bona is a man weh a fight gainst di herb bad. Di Rasta bway start aff pan di wrang footing arredi. (Throws her hand in the air) Lawd Gad have His Mercy an like how  Bona soh dyam bawly, bawly…a now im ago bawl.

Boardlane TV:  His name is “Boehner”, pronounced “Bay-ner,” not “Boner.”

Lisa: Well a “Bona” mi call im caah im is a blasted bone head! An come een like di dawta is a bone head to caah weh shi a do wid a rasta man? Shi noh know seh dem noh partake inna powk nyamings? Di whole a di Bona dem come fram Ohio an mi know fi a fact seh dem grow roun nuff Hag Farm inna dah State deh.

Boardlane TV: Really? I didn’t draw that connection with the State of Ohio and pigs.

Lisa: Yes missis. Dem people deh nyam powk like it ago goh outta style. Di hag dem inna Ohio even have dem own Twitter account to how dem popular. But mi noh bizness wid dem. Mi have bigga tings pan my head but dat deh Rastaman betta study di runnings before im  get sheg an en up a live pan Hog farm wid Bona. Mi noh know how Tanksgiving dinna ago work out fi di dread!

Boardlane TV:  You learn something new every day. Thanks for talking with us. Well folks, it appears that the Jamaicans are skeptical of the sustenance of this intriguing relationship. This is Wendy reporting from the streets. No back to regular scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright 4/26/2013

Books by the Author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

 A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

Parodies

LIVE BROADCAST: Busy Signal Arrest – Reactions on the streets (Jamaican Sketch)

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Popular Jamaican dancehall artist ‘Busy Signal’ was arrested by members of the Fugitive Apprehension Team at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston as he disembarked a flight. Busy Signal was said to be fugitive wanted on decade-old drug conspiracy charges in the U.S. He is also accused of travelling on false documents. The reaction from Jamaicans is one of dismay, shock and disbelief. Boardlane TV rushed to the scene out side the Norman Manley airport to get reactions.

Boardlane TV: Sir, you are standing here silently and seemed to be in shock. Can you give us your thought on the Busy Signal arrest this morning?

Willy: (Shaking his head) A mi artist dat enoh lady! Mi tan up yah soh cyaan believe weh mi a hear to blurtnaught. Fus Dudus an now Busy?! Mi waan fi know is why di US people dem have up di Yaadi dem soh? Every blastid minute dem a handcuff  wan a wi an a sen wi a jail fi nutten! Come een like dem tink di yaadi dem a prison accessory.

Boardlane TV: Sir, the charges stem from him falsifying his name and alluding authorities. Those are charges that are concerning, wouldn’t you agree?

Willy: (Snaps angrily) GOH WEH wid dat! Every man who DJ have false name. Everybady wid a brain know dat. Unu expec di man fi DJ unda im real name? Unu GWEH!

Boardlane TV: Mister, that is not the issue. Did you know that is real name is Glendale Gordon and not Reanno Gordon as he claims?

Willy: GOH WEH wid dat again! Look how much a wi inna Jamdung have two name! Fimi birt certificate seh “William Buddy Stroker” but people all bout call mi “Willy Stroker.”  Ediat talk yuh a talk. All weh a gwaan is dat di man a cut im chune dem an a gwaan good an di farrin serpent dem cyaan lef di yute mek im eat a food like everybady else.

Boardlane TV: Ok, clearly I am not getting you to understand what is at hand. Thanks for your time. Moving on. Sir come over here and tell me what is your reaction to this arrest.

Danny: Lady, mi noh have nutten too tough fi seh enoh. Dis wan tek di cake. Jah know! All mi know is, Busy and Dudus fi get National hero status. Straight!

Boardlane TV:  I don’t understand. Why do you believe Busy and Dudus are national heroes?

Danny: Well, history claim seh Nanny ketch shat in har b@tty and Sam Sharpe buss outta im shackles an cause a revolution. When yuh check it out Dudus get nuff shat inna fi im b@tty an still noh dead and Busy Signal buss out a fi ankle bracelet. Might as well dem gi dem di heroes tikle.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) OK. I hear you. Thanks for your time. How about you Miss. What do you have to say about all of this?

Claudia: (Wailing) How di rahtid Busy get imself inna dis dear Gad? Mi seh mi love Busy bad soh til mi cyaan talk. All mi a fret pan now is how im baby madda ago tek dis news… cause shi have wan hell of a big belly in front har deh now an di pickney soon drop? How di hell shi ago manige, eeh? Savior Gad, redeem wi!

Boardlane TV: Yes, that is indeed sad, But I am sure she will be OK.  You claim you are a big fan of Busy. Tell me more about that.

Claudia: Big, big fan Miss Lady. Anyweh Busy deh, I did follow backa im. If mi did have mi Visa, mi woulda falla im goh a di way a Englan weh im jus come fram. Mi love im soh til all mi woulda put aan ankle bracelet pan im foot miself fi stalk out im behine. (Wailing) Lawd mi God. Dancehall mash up now to rahtid cage! Dancehall business dun wid!

Boardlane TV: No ma’am. No need to be that dramatic. Dancehall will do just fine. Never mind. Dry your tears. We have just enough time to chat with one more individual. Sir, what is your take on this incident.

Lance: Bway a mi artical bredrin dat fi real. Mi an im move good an ting an mi jus cyaan believe seh mi bredrin did undacova all dese years.

Boardlane TV:  So you know Busy Signal personally?

Lance:  Yah man! An mi paardi datfi  bout 5 yrs now and mi come aan yah when mi hear di news pan di radio. Mi always a wanda why Busy neva waan goh a di States goh mek some dallas. Im tell mi seh im jus waan do di Canada an Europe circle caah as im explain it, di ‘Merican breeze noh good fi im skin. Im all show mi wan bwail pan im neck back weh im seh im get when im did expose to di ‘Merican weadda couple years ago.

Boardlane TV: And you believed that? You believe that someone could have a bump from exposure to the US climate?

Lance: Bway, mi neva questian it enoh lady. It did soun like sinting coulda goh soh but mi a fine out now seh a lie im did a tell mi now.  Di only ting im allergic to a US handcuff! Mi feel it fi im dowe caah right now im ago goh fram Busy Signal to Dial Tone.

Boardlane TV: Thanks for talking with us. That is all for now folks. It appears that this astonishing news surrounding Busy Signal continues to send shock waves throughout the island. This is Wendy reporting live. Have a good day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright May 22, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It  &  A Soh It Goh!

Parodies

USAIN BOLT AND BELLE LUBICA: REACTIONS ON THE STREETS OF TRELAWNEY (Jamaican Sketch)

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Recently, a picture of Usain Bolt and Slovakian born fashion designer, Belle Lubica kissing, started  a wave of charged remarks on the web among Jamaicans both abroad and on the island. BoardlaneTV visited the small community of Sherwood Content in Trelawny where the record holding sprinter was born and raised to get reactions from the residents.  We now bring you the reactions to the story.

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon young lady. Boardlane TV here live. We are trying to get opinions on the infamous Bolt and Belle kissing photo. Do you have any comments on the matter?

Vinette: (Hands akimbo) Lady, a troo yuh noh know how di sinting BUN MI! Dah bway deh want a bax cross him face wid mi rubba, flip flop slippas! Afta all  di pretty, black beauty Queens dem weh yuh si pallaaf a beach, why di backside im haffi goh pick up wan white ooman, eeh?! Imagine di shock to mi spleen when mi si Bolt wid im crusty mout pan di White Witch of Rose Hall. Im waan two b!tch lick!  Trus mi!

Boardlane TV: Wow, you really feel strongly about this. Is that how everyone around here feels about this alleged relationship?

Miriam: (Grabbing the Mike) Gimmi dah mike yah mek mi talk pan dis. Mi have wan sinting fi ask. Did dis gyal Belly Lube know dis bway when im did a chase dankey up di hill when im was a yute? NO! Matta a fact mek I ask aneda question to Miss Lube.  Did yuh know Usian when im did a walk goh a primary school wid im trousis batty tear out and im boot a beg bread? If yuh know wah good fi yuh Miss Belly Lube – yuh jus tan soh back an lef wi prodigal son! Yuh dyam face tuff like dem blastid hardcover book!

Boardlane TV: Ooohhh that was harsh! Sir , do you feel as strongly as the lady about Mister Bolt and his European girlfriend?

Roger: Lady, a fram marning di woman dem out yah a cuss enoh!  Kiss mi mumma! Yuh woulda tink seh a dem Bolt leff fi deh wid di ooman.  What dem doan undastan is dat Bolt gaan worl-wide now. Im ratings gaan international an di man ago waan sample some farrin food. Im cyaan feed pan ghetto meat all di time – it wi bine im up. Im jus a try a new flavor an if im try it an feel seh it noh have enuff spice, im wi dash it weh. Dem fi jus cool an lowe di man. But im betta be careful di whole heap a sample im a tek dowe – im might tek craven an tun roun get pizen!

Miriam: (Yelling in back) Mek im backside noh come home wid di Gole inna di Olympics! Before im goh train fi win di gole, im busy a pick up dutty Gole-digga! Dis blastid, dish claat bway tink im tun towel… a gwaan like im noh know seh a bush im come fram!

Linda: A troo man! A weh di gyal come fram by di way? A di fus mi eva hear bout she.

Boardlane TV: She is native of Slovakia but she resides here in Jamaica. Does that make it any better?

Linda: Nat a dyam! Fus to begin, mi wudden even know weh fi fine dat deh place pan di map. It soun like a some place pan Jupita an dat would explain why shi soh fayva space monkey! Mi noh like har! Bolt did have wan sweet, black girl noh too long and all dat gyal wanted outta Bolt was a lickle smallz fi  put inna wan fix deposit account. Shi did a plan fi buy wan stoosh apartment a Red Hills. Dis gyal wid har agriculture ginga toe, a look deposit fi buy Benz an shi want im fi put har up inna Sandals every week.

Boardlane TV: How do you come to such a conclusion about someone you do not know, Miss?

Vinette:(Interrupting) Wi noh haffi know har!! A soh all a dem white ooman dem tan! As dem si di black man dem a mek  millions, dem come een like mad bull pan stampede fi henka!  Granted, di whole a wi know seh Bolt is di worl fastess man, but im is NAT di world most handsomess man. Di head im have, it shape like dem gungo peas an im  fayva dem dankey in front a hand cyat. Soh you tell mi wey shi a do wid im, if nat fi di money?

Boardlane TV: Well, you may have a point there. Miss, you must have known Usian as a child seeing that you are one of the community’s elders. Would you mind giving us your take on this matter?

Florence: Yes mi love. Mi use to change im nappy when im madda leff im wid mi when shi goh market. All mi have to seh is Usain is not intelligently circumcised. Mi tink sinting did goh wrang when im a get circumcised, cause im head noh tan good if a really dis farrin, licky-licky gyal im deh wid.

Boardlane TV: She is a Fashion Designer, Madam. She seems to be holding her own.

Florence: (Kissteet) Di only fashion shi know bout is “falla fashion!” Shi fi puddung di neegle an tread an goh larn fi cook hog foot soup , goat belly soup, an run dung cause a dat Bolt ago waan nyam any how dem marrid.  Soh help mi Gad, if a neva fi wan ting, a tek a pieca macka stick an beat out Bolt kacka di nex time im come yah. Im tink im too big fi get lick but watch mi an im if im noh lef dat Golgate cola gyal.

Linda: A true Miss Florence. Shi fayva dem mash up  tube a Aquafresh! Mek shi goh siddung!

Roger: Bway unu dangerous noh bax cova! Mi jus hope sey Bolt lickle soljah dem noh run faas like im an goh breed har. Arelse hell pap a Jamaica yah! Di govament woulda haffi gi har security 24/7,  cause dem yah bad mine ooman yah goodly drive truck ova she an di belly an kill aff di ooman.

Boardlane TV: Well that about sums up how things may get very heated for Mister Bolt if the relationship picks up steam.  Thank you all for being so candid with me. One can only hope that this too shall pass. This is Wendy reporting with Boardlane TV. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  March 15, 2012

Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It!  &  A Soh It Goh!

Parodies

Egypt Inspires Protest in Jamaica (Satire) – LIVE BROADCAST From The Streets Of Kingston, Jamaica

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Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news just in. Boardlane TV is reporting that the people of Jamaica have taken to the streets to protest the oppressive regime led by Prime Minister Bruce Golding. The protest from what we understand, stems from the uprising already taking place in Egypt where the Egyptians are also attempting to over throw their government. Boardlane TV has footage of some of the events taking place on the ground.

People Chanting: CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!!

Boardlane TV: Good day sir. It appears that you are at the forefront of this operation.  Can you tell us who organized this protest and why?

PampiDon: Yeah man, a mi yaad mi deh a watch some U-trube an si how di people dem a Egypt a kick up rumpous seh dem waan di man name Burakuta fi come out an …

Boardlane TV: Sir his name is ‘Mubarak’, but anyway carry on.

PampiDon: Yes – im sed wan! Den mi seh to miself, BLURTNAUGHT! Wi noh haffi wait pan electian fi run out di sadomite dem. Soh mi set soh –  BAM an call mi bredrin PeppaSkull and BigMac fi set up a ting fi get di massive dem outta road fi lick out gainst Bruce. Dem grab dem bullhorn an drive roun di whole place an tell people dem seh wi a march goh Gordon House. An now wi deh yah by di tousands. Yah man, a soh di ting set!

Boardlane TV: What do you hope to achieve today Mister? Do you expect the Prime Minister to heed to the will of the people?

PampiDon: Who? Trus mi, Bruce an im posse haffi RUN WEH! If dat blouse an skirt green yeye bandit noh lef di govament by midnight tideh, pure backle boom an scud missle wi a get fi bun dung Rome!

Boardlane TV: Why take such violent measures sir? Isn’t it better to see a more peaceful resolution than setting fire to his home?

Deloris: (interrupting) BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY LADY!! Wi tiyad a di suffaration inna wi country! Wi tiyad fi a pay five tousan dalla fi goh watch ‘Busy Signal and Movado’ pan stage show. Right yah now mi well waan a pair a Gucci boot an cyaan buy none seka di oppression Bruce put wi unda!

Boardlane TV: But madam is that really your concern? Shouldn’t you be more concern about employment and the ability to get good service from the government? Sorta like what the Egyptians want?

Deloris: No sah! A di Gucci boot dem wi waan. Emplayment worries a fi people who waan git up a marning time fi wok fi nutten like dem a ally-butten. Wi noh inna dat. Wi a defen di name bran an di A-class cyar an bling-bling. (Chanting with a cardboard sign) CUM OUT BRUCE, CUM OUT!! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!!

Meanwhile in the crowd, vendors saw an opportunity to sell goods to the protesters gathered in the street.

Benjie: NUUUUTSIE! PEANUUUUTS!! Hundred dalla gi yuh a pack! Hundred dalla! Nuts yah soh! Hi nice lady yuh a buy a peanut fram mi?

Boardlane TV: No thank you sir, we are just here to report the news. Anyway, let me move a little further into the crowd to grab another person to give us an interview. Mister in the Reggae Boyz shirt, come tell us what is the mood of the people as they protest the movement today.

Clive: Well right now wi noh inna noh good mood until wi si Bruce step down. Di man come an pramise fi clean up di corruptian ting an comes to fine out seh im govament wos dan di wan wi jus vote out! Tek far hinstance how di man hangle di Dudus case. Di whole time di man pan TV a gwaan like a im a Dudus a sleep a night time. Mi seh di man mout did set like when daag nature a rise when im a tell lie. Kiss mi neckback! It come in like di man di a expec a buss assin fram im lova bway if im mek a wrang move. Wi want im OUT! (chanting) CUM OUT BRUCE CUM OUT!

Boardlane TV: Ok understood sir. Thanks for speaking with us. Young man, what brings you to this protest? Your sign reads “Free Di I fram Slavery!” What are the freedoms you seek from the government?

PopChow: (shouting in the news camera) YES IYAH! FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN! Wi waan back wi rights fi run red light! Wi waan wi rights fi wok pan bus a noh wear unifarm caah wi a noh school pickney! Wi waan wi rights fi smoke inna heroes park caah a yahsoh wi barn. FREEDOM AN WI RIGHTS WI WAAN!

Suddenly, other Vendors pass by the camera crew:

Melanie: GLEANA GLEANA! NEWS FLASH!  DI EGYPT MAN JUSS DRAP OUTTA DI RACE! GET YUH GLEANA GLEANA!

Another vendor appears:
Marcel: Suck -suck and Sky Juice! Who a bawl out fi di sky juice man?! Suck -suck and Sky Juice a sell yahsoh!

PopChow: (Pushing) Hey bway stap brush gainst mi noh iyah! Yuh noh si yuh a rub yuh dutty self pan mi criss Armani shut!

Marcel: Go suck pan a straw bway! Yuh can inna crowd a people a noh expec fi get bounce pan?! Bout yuh deh a rally inna Armani shut. Gwey bway – yuh a fool!

PopChow: MOVE an GWEY! Yuh sour like! Yuh waan a man tek a Red Stripe backle an mash up yuh head skull!

Boardlane TV: Oh dear! I am not so sure what kind of oppression is going on here with people fussing over Armani gear. Anyway, look like things are getting way to hot out here in the streets of Kingston. Baordlane Tv will take a break for toady. We are expecting to televise the life speech from Bruce Golding who plans to address the nation about this crisis. Stay tuned for that event.

*******************************

PART2

 ******************************

Boardlane TV: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a live broadcast from Gordon House, where Prime Minister Bruce Golding addresses the nation about the recent revolt in the streets of Kingston.

Bruce Golding:  Good day my fellow Jamaican citizens. I was attending to a very private phone call from Dudus when Deputy Prime Minister Kenneth Baugh run come to my office to inform me that there is rioting in the streets. Something to the effect that the people want me to step down from this position. I also get to understand that this is because of what you people are seeing going on TV over there in Egypt. I take full responsibility for this uprising in the streets of Kingston because as the Minister of Information and Telecommunications I should know better than to continue to give poor people rights to cable TV and Smart phone technology. But I will take a closer look into that for the future.

I want to appeal to the church leaders to call church services across the nation to educate the people that in Exodus chapter 3, Jesus commanded Moses to bring forth the people out of Egypt to a land flowing with milk and honey. Nowhere in the Bible did Jesus give any authority to anybody to free Jamaicans from affliction. For God Sakes – now is not the time to be falla fashin monkeys!

Anyway, since as you all have demands, I am prepared to make compromises. Right now I can’t step down because I have pressing issues on my plate like freeing Dudus and Buju from jail. So just so you people can go home and siddung an quiet unuself, I am asking my Minister of Foreign Affairs and Foreign Trade to relax the tariff and duty charges of essential imports to the country. On this list of essentials imports for our economy are the Benz C- Class, Volvo S60 and the BMW 7 Series. In addition, I will have him look into increasing other vital imports like J. Crew , Versace, PUMA and FUBU gear. This will ensure the rights of all who love to pose off in name brand goods.

To help the small farmers, I will instruct the Ministry of Agriculture to ensure that local fast food places buy produce from local farmers such as onion, tomatoes, lettuce, gungo peas, coco and renta yam. They may not have immediate use for the peas, yam and coco, but I plan to ask them to put peas soup on the menu. Consdida peas soup as brawta even through it wasn’t a part of the demands. People going around marching and saying I don’t protect basic rights and freedom in this country. All I have to say to that is – those accusations are unfounded! Since I took office, I have been working hand in hand with the Jamaica Broiler Association to increase the production of chicken back and chicken gizzards so families will have the right to have a decent Sunday dinner after church service.

As I said in my opening remarks, I have no intention to step down before the election. As a matter of fact, I doan know when I am going to call for the next election because without me in this office, dog nyam Dudus suppa! I am doing the best I can to support poor people by securing the release of Jamaica’s most prolific Don Man to the streets where he can continue to provide for the people in his community. I cannot provide anyting fi unu. That is not what I am here for. Please try and understand what kind of pressure I am under right now. Before I close this evening, I will throw in wan more ting to please all of you demonstrators. I will throw in 1.5 million dollars that I get from bribes for the next Passa Passa Dance. Dat soun good?

Now you all have a blessed good evening. Go home and don’t let me have to institute a 5’clack curfew.

———————————–
Boardlane TV: There you have it folks. A very disconnected response from the Prime Minister. Will the people accept Mister Golding’s compromises and go home? One cannot tell at this moment. We here at Boardlane TV are committed to bringing you events as they unfold. Now we take you back to the re-runs of “Good Times” now in progress.

©Joelle C. Wright Feb 11, 2011

Parodies

Live Broadcasting From The Buju Banton Trial

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Boardlane TV has been following the trial of reggae superstar Mark Myrie, also known as ‘Buju Banton’ since the court session began. Banton is on trial for conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute five or more kilogrammes of cocaine. He could get a maximum of 20 years to life in prison if convicted.

Buju Banton’s fans have turned out in their numbers for the trial that started on Monday.  We have exclusive insider reporting into the happenings inside the Tampa Court from the fans of Buju Banton.

 Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, you look a little deflated from the proceedings. Tell us what seems to be your worry.

Suzette: Yes Miss lady, mi waan know is why a bare farrina deh pan di jury? Imagine seh a whole heapa  DJ  out deh a look food fi nyam an coulda deh pan di jury fi retribute justice fi Buju. Dem farrin people noh undastan di suffaratian wey  yaad man goh troo. Dem jus a goh look pan im rasta head an automatically tink seh im a drugs man. A soh dem dutty minded people apparate.

Boardlane TV: So who would you suggest should make up a jury of his peers mam?

Suzette: Lady mek mi tell yuh -man like Flourgon, Shabba Ranks,  DelaRanks and Yellowman fi up deh a lissen to wey di stinka dem a seh bout Buju. Dem woulda simpatize caah mi know fi a fac seh dem man deh tek coke inna fi  dem time to. Yuh did know seh a coke mek Yellow Man mout lean an look like absess  a grow inna im teet?

Boardlane TV: No, I had no idea. Well thank you for taking my question. Let me talk to another individual. Young lady, yes you in di red blouse… come over and let me have a talk with you for a moment.

Merlene: Hi how yuh doing? Wan minute deh before yuh start. (she takes the mike away from the reporter). I want to sen greetings to Aunt Myrna ina Dumfries Trelawny. Wishing a hawty ‘ello to mi bredda pan mi modda side – cyaan memba im name now fram Nanny Town dung a Portlan. Big Up! BUJU SHALL OVACOME! WI NAAH LEF IM OUT! BRAP!

Boardlane TV: Ok, can I have the mike back please?  Thank you. During the trial, you were seen covering your ears when the tapes where being played. Can you explain to Boardlane TV why you did that?

Merlene: Lady mi feel it fi im enoh. It did look bad fi im an den when mi hear seh tape a goh play, mi heart cudden stan fi hear noh more an mi dis cawk up mi ears ole. Mi cyaan tek an noh stress seka mi carry belly fi Buju now. Im is di love of mi life, mi hawt an mi soul, only deat will do us part. By di way, yuh did hear wey dem did a seh pan di tape?

Boardlane TV: Yes. He was caught on tape claiming he was getting into drug smuggling to feed and send his 15 children to school.

Merlene: Seh wah?! Den a how di  backside  im mek di tree pickney dem mi hav fi im a dead fi ungry?!  Soh fi mi pickney dem a noh nutten to im? Yuh si seka dat, a hope di govament heng up im roosss by im teelie  an put im pan display mek  a get fi stone out im kacka-ole!

Boardlane TV: Alrighty then. So much for supporting Buju.  Sir, you in the green and yellow Clarks shoes. Could I ask you a question? What do think about the guilt or innocence of the defendant in the case?

Donavon: Well so far mi tink im innocent enoh. As far as mi si dem a try di man fi taste lickle coke. Fi all I know, Buju coulda tink seh a milk powda dem a gi im fi taste. A set dem set im up. No evidence did deh fi seh di man move coke fram pint A to pint B,  yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: So what do you think about the accusation about smuggling diamonds from Africa?

Donavon: Dutty canspiracy lady! Mo’ Fiyah! Mi know fi a fac seh wey dem a cawl diamond a Cubic zirconian. A di sed false sinting yuh si a glissen ina Buju teet. A dat dem a cawl diaman smuggling.   (kiss teet ) Buju B  is a  ghetto yute. Wey im know bout diaman? Di only ting di man tek outta Africa is wan antique wood stool! Mi noh know wey dem a chat bout!

Boardlane TV: Interesting comments sir. Thank you.  Mister over here please. Do you have opinion as to what you have heard in court today sir?

Rohan: Yes mam …a  bare almshouse bisness a gwaan ina di courtroom. Yuh si di infarma bway wey a wok fi di govament…unu noh si seh di man a try escape dip back to Columbia? Di way how mi si it a im bring argument to Buju bout coke bizness an Buju run di bway! Im tek bex  an  cawl dung Babylon pan Buju. A infarma bway fi dead!

Boardlane TV: But what about the tapes sir? It was Buju who was clearly asking Mister Johnson to set up the deal to acquire cocaine. Wouldn’t you agree with that?

Rohan: Lady tap gwaan like yuh naah si weh a gwaan!  Buju did a talk on behalf of di two bway dem wey come fram Georgia name Ike  an Tyke! Buju noh inna noh coke bizness! Di yute is all about Music an bussing gun shat inna b@tty bway head.  A bet seh dem same set a chi-chi man a set im up? Di same way how dem did seh a neva R Kelly pan di tape,  mi noh believe seh a Buju dat pan di tape eida. Dem deh bogus cassette fi dash wey!

Boardlane TV: Ok, thanks for your comments sir. Have a good day.  Hi young lady, come talk to Boardlane TV. Do you think the defendant is guilty as charged or are you here to support him?

Donnet: Miss lady, Buju a wan a wi, soh wi  did haffi come yah fi support im. Mi cyan believe wey dem a try do to wi Jamaican Igol. Di man wey testify tideh seh Buju neva buy di jrugs, im only talk bout it. Soh a how dem fi hole Buju when all im do is fantisize fi bi a drug king pin? At least im a show some ambition. Nuff people have di same dream fi run jrugs up an dung di place, but dat noh mek wi jrug smuggla. Dat jus a show yuh seh money naah run an wi a look fi sinting betta in life. Mek dem move an gweh!

Boardlane TV: But drug smuggling is against the law madam. Shouldn’t he have dreams that are less criminal in nature?

Donnet: People fi tap paas judgement pan di bway. Buju seh im have pickney fi feed an sen goh school. Di man haffi try a ting. Supposen seh im did really a try sell jrugs, mi noh blame im caah Candense milk an school unifarm dare out hell!  Im jus a try bi a good baby faada fi im pickney dem. Dem  fi tap treat Buju like im a some cumunoono! After all!

Boardlane TV: Ok  miss, I am sure he appreciates your support. Let me get Stephen Marley on camera. Hi Stephen, you were one of the key witnesses for the defense. What can you tell us about your relationship with Buju and do you think he will be convicted?

Stephen: Well mi haffi come defen mi idren caah mi know Buju fi bout 20 years now. Mi an im use to bun calliweed wid Peta Tosh an Bunny Wailer back when wi was a yute a  goh a school – zeen?  As mi seh to di court, Buju a di voice of di people.  An wi naah goh stan fi di heathen dem silence di vice dat gi wi peace loving choones like  ‘Man Fi Dead’ an ‘Boom Boom By Bye. ’ Dem lyrics deh speak to heart of di Jamaican people – zeen?

Stephen then burst out into a skank and begins to sing one of Buju’s songs with gun finger in the air:

Let Jah rise and the heathen scatter

Have to give thanks and praises no matter

Even if the flames is getting hotter & hotter

Every one should know I don’t believe in rumor..

Stephen: WHEEEELLLLL!! Buju yuh dun know. Yuh safe lick bulla inna  glass case. Dem a try get yuh outta di rat race. Dem set pizen fi rasta taste but di Babylon bway dem noh hav noh case – easy yuhself Dread an noh watch noh face!

Boardlane TV: Ok folks, that’s all the live reporting we have from BoardlaneTV at the moment. We are hoping we can get a word with the Defendant’s Lawyer or the defendant himself later in the day or in the future. Now back to our regular scheduled programming.

©  Joelle “Wendy” Wright

10/15/2010

 

Parodies

Live Broadcasting: American Airlines Flight 331 Crash Scene

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An American Airlines plane crashed and broke into pieces after landing at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston a short while ago. The aircraft carried over 145 passengers and crew most of them Jamaicans returning home. Boardlane TV news was on site to interview some of the passengers that were able to speak to us about the events that took place after the crash.

Boardlane TV:  Hi sir, could you give us a moment and tell us how are you feeling and what happened when you realized your flight crashed?

Lincoln: Lady, mi seh a Jah save wi cause a di back mi deh enoh Miss and all of a sudden mi si di miggle a di plane hice up inna di air and a dat time mi a penny seh di rahtid sinting bruck inna tree. Mi all si wan suitcase drap outta di ova head bin sinting and lick out wan white man flat a grung. Im mite inna di plane still kunk out an cyaan git up cause everybody tep ova im. Man an woman a try cum out before di plane boom up!

Boardlane TV:  No one stopped to assist the injured man?

Lincoln: Look yah lady, when plane boom flick pan dry land is all about survival yuh no seeit. Every man fi dem self cause yuh noh know if all a nex suitcase a goh shoot out fram di ova head sinting an lick yuh out. Trus mi!

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, thanks very much and glad you are Ok. Miss over here. Can you tell us how you feel and give us some insights on what took place on your flight?

Matlida: Glorry Glorry… I seh Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Lady a cyaan talk … Sweet Jesas! A nearly si di coming of mi Creata an mi nat even have on good drawz. I seh Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Halli-luyah!!!

Boardlane TV : Ok Madam, thanks. Hi Miss, can you come over here please?  BoardlaneTV here. Can you tell us what happened on your flight as it was landing?

Millicent: Dat razzklat pilot noh know wey di bloodseed im a do! Im nearly kill aff di whole a wi inna di big Chrismus haliday yah. A  fly di bummbeet plane like im a deh pan jet ski pan di tarmac. A waan smaddy buss im klaat an sen im back a flying school. Wan a mi lickle 9 year ole yute lan kite betta dan dat suckka lan dis big ole bloodbawt  plane. Cho Blood cleet. Come outta mi way yaah man.

Boardlane TV : Oookk?? Clearly she is upset with the pilot and understandable so. Let’s see… little one can you come over here and talk with us? How are you doing?

Celine:  Mi cyaan fine mi mummy. Yuh si har fi mi?

Boardlane TV :  No but maybe you can describe her and we can get some help for you.

Celine: Mi mummy have wan batty big <<soh>> an wear  wan burgundy hair weave. Har finga nail dem have Chrismuss tree paint pan dem. When di plane crash shi tek aff an run wey lef mi like shi figat seh shi have pickney pan di plane. Dats how shi behave when har head tek har yuh mam. Shi noh memba nutten bout mi.

Boardlane TV: Oh no! Poor thing. Go to the officer and find some help. Be safe. Let’s get one more comment from this gentleman. Hi sir, do you care to comment on the incident that just took place?

Percy: Sure I would loves to comments. Miss Lady, I and my mistress was in the bock aff di plane han was very hestinguished when wi realize dot di plane do nat landed good pan di runaway. So I jess tell di mistress to pick up di suitcase dem han faller backa me.

Boardlane TV : You made her carry both suitcases by herself?

Percy : What mek yuh hosk? Yuh noh si how shi strapping an have trang back? A wan cow dis yuh noh lady! Anyways, hofta shi falla backs a me, wi truck aff troo di side exit door an landed inna wan whole heapa gravel. Si hall my helbow chip up fram di rackstone dem an yuh si mi mistress nat even get a scrotch how shi tough. Dats why mi loves her soh. A very trong women dis. Wi aroight dowes. Just wont to find a batroom now fi change mi brief. Mi cyaan ston inna di pee-pee noh longer.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir, God bless you and the mistress. Well ladies and gentlemen there you have it. A very lucky set of passengers. Now we return to our regular scheduled programming.

We will have more comments from passengers as they get sorted out.

**** PART 2 ****

Boardlane TV: We are now back on the air speaking with a few more of the passengers from flight 331. Mister, can you step over here and have a chat with us. How are you doing? You look a little shaken up!

Trevor : Bway, I neva experience anyting like dis inna my life sistren. A lissen mi a lissen some trune pan mi Ipod an feel di plane a skid wey to blurtnaught. Di betern nex to mi look out a di window an start bawl out seh wi ago drap inna sea wata to birdbeak! Lady,  mi start pray unto Jah cause I man cyaan swim a lick an plus mi  all hear seh nuff Alligator inna di sea.

Boardlane TV: Alligators in the sea sir? Where have you heard such a thing? That’s not true.

Trevor : Yuh a fool man! Alligata inna di sea mi seh. Nuff time mi si dem lie dung pan di banking when mi a fly out, soh mi noh know wey yuh a chat seh. If wi did crash inna di sea an hear seh Alligata nyam up all a wi inna di plane,  wey yuh woulda seh eeh? How unu news people can behave like a hongle unu wan have educatian soh? Tek man fi fool an illeterate. GO WEY!!

Boardlane TV: Ok. Clearly that is a very misguided passenger but we are glad he wasn’t eaten by Alligators nonetheless. Looks like another shaken passenger heading our way. Over here sir. Can you tell us what this experience was like for you?

Neville: Ioyoo cyooon taalkk naw iss…. mknot a ood hime

Boardlane TV: Sir what are saying? I’m sorry we can’t hear you so good. Repeat that please.

Neville’s Daughter: Sarry lady. Papa cyaan talk to yah now. Im false teet fly outta im mout when im head lick up pan di seat. Nat a soul cyaan fine di teet all now. Gad eeh know how dis man a goh nyam im Chrismuss dinna now widout’en di teet. Lawd a mercy pan wi Puppa Jesas!

Boardlane TV: Ok sorry to hear that. Well let’s hope he will have a merry Christmas despite his missing teeth. God bless you. Hi, hi young man come and talk to us over here. What’s going through you mind after going through what just occurred?

Roy: Yuh really waan know what a goh troo my mine sistren? Is a spliff I waan bun yah now. Jah rastafari know. Dem kinna ting wi mash up yuh nerval system when rasta deh pan plane an it bruck up wid yuh inna it, yuh noh seeit . Mi teet dem noh tap rakkle fram mi lef outta di plane. I man need a weefah fi calm I nerves, but di bloodseed police bway dem a walk roun wid di sniffa daag dem  sed way mek I man cyaan draw fi di herb. (kiss teet)  Easy yaah mi sistren. I an I ago get outta dis Babylon cage.  More time!

Boardlane TV: Ok, we have time for just one more passenger. Looks like this lady is one of the more injured. Let’s see what she has to say.  Pssstttt Miss …can you share with Boardlane TV how you got your injuries?

Silvia: Noh wan batty bway push mi dung a try race mi outta di plane, mam. Mi seh dem noh have no mannas enoh lady. Imagine dis American Airlines likle punk fling mi dung inna fuss class an kick mi inna mi side when  im  jump ova mi. Mi seh if a neva fi mi artritis inna mi right han, a tump im dung if a eva si im bout yah. Look how mi frack dutty up like mi naah come fram nohweh!

Boardlane TV: Wait a minute, you said he was an American Airline person?

Silvia: Yes lady! A wan a di Hair hostess bway do mi soh. All yuh hear dem a chat bout lef plane ardaly in case of emergency dem a di fuss wan a bulldoza yuh when plane crash. Dem is jus like dem dam hooligan yuh si a stage show. Dam set a viagro dem! Dem only inna di stoosh unifarm like dem desent but dem noh betta dan di hag dem yuh si inna pig style. Dutty Jankro dem!

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. Well there you have it folks. A very traumatic day for the passengers as you just heard. We wish all a pleasant evening and thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.

©  Joelle “Wendy” Wright

12/23/09

 

Parodies

Jamaicans Aid in the Clean Up of Massive Oil Spill

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Boardlane TV has learned that BP has solicited an expert group of Jamaicans to assist with the clean up efforts of the massive oil spill off the Gulf of Mexico.  Boardlane TV has exclusive video of the meeting that took place between the Jamaicans and BP at the site of the disaster and the results of their work.

BP Official: We thank you all for coming to our aid to clean up this mess. We can’t say enough to express our gratitude.

Ratcliff: No prablem Man. Wi noh really need fi hear nutten bout noh gravitrude right yah now. All wi jus waan hear is how much di work ago pay, zeen?

BP Official:Well, our corporate office is thinking $US500 a day per person. What you think about that?

Ratcliff: Sey wah?? What I tink is dat yuh is a blastid criminal an tief! Yuh tek big man fi fool? Yuh know how much wi pay fi di plane drive fi come yahso fi wok fi dat deh lickle bit a money?  Look yah sar – 500 dalla cyan feed my 7 pickney and tree more wey mi expec  fram Patsy, Michelle and Beverly.

BP Official: Ok then, name your price. At this point we will pay anything to get this mess of our hands. Give me a price.

Ratcliff: Hole an mek a confulscate wid mi betren  dem mek mi hear weh dem a sey.

BP Official: Confulscate?? What does that mean in English?

Ratcliff: Imagine dat eeh!!  Ah di fuss mi a meet wan  Hinglish smaddy who noh undastan standard plain Hinglish. Dat mean mi ago get a kanstitutian  fram di ressa di crew.  Yuh get dat now Missa suit an tie?

BP Official: Whatever you say mon.

Ratcliff: Yow ButtaTeet, TipyToe, BalheadDread rope in! How much unu tink wi fi demands fi disyah work? A nuff aile out yah still an dem lickle English tite @$$ dem noh know wey dem a do out yah.

ButtaTeet: Di way mi seet, dis ago cast  dem bout 2 case a Guinness.

BalheadDread: Hey bway yuh a ediat? Go wey bout yuh  2 case Guinness.  Ratcliff,  tell di man sey wi ago tek  20 lb a high grade  weed fi do di wok yuh hear sah.

TipyToe: Kiss mi rahtid  …mi cyan believe mi earsole. Unu is set a blastid ediat – A MONEY WI A DEFEN! Ratcliff, yuh si wah mek mi did tell yuh fi lef dem two jack@$$ yah a dem yaad? Tell di man wi ago charge US1.5 miyion dallas. It goh soh!

Ratcliff: How much hundred dalla bill ina dat Tipy?

TipyToe: A mi yuh a ask? A dat mi hear JayZ and Beyonce a mek soh dat soun like di sed amount wi fi ask fah. Plus di sun hat out yah man. Wi fi get compenstition fi dat to. Trus mi!

Ratcliff: Arite mek a run it by bossman an si wey im a deal wid.  (He summons the BP official)  Mista suit and tie come ova yahso sar…

BP Official: Yes Mister Ratcliff, I take it you all came up with a price.

Ratcliff: Yes sar. Mi betren dem come up wid a bargain deal  betta dan di price fi a Elvis jacket. Wi a tink bout 1.5 miyion . Tell mi sey dat a noh wan wikid deal?!

BP Official: Bloody Hell! What do you Jamaicans think this is – a casino heist?

Ratcliff: Mine how yuh a talk loud enoh Mista suit an tie!  If yuh naah let aff di 1.5 miyion mi can goh back a mi yaad cause mi have wan Mavado stage show uppa Halfway-Tree square fi goh.  Wi noh havi dey yah soh a lay, lay wid yuh.

BP Official: Alright, alright! Bloody Hell Pals – Ya’ killing me here. Ok, we can get the money together. What kind of equipment you people have to clean this up anyway?

BalheadDread: A wah do dis white man iyah? Equipment? Yaad man noh use  noh Babylon machine fi do manual labor. Wi have natural tings dat wi guarantee fi soak up dis ting in bout hour an half taps!

BP Official: Oh Yeah? And what’s that may I ask?

ButtaTeet: 200 carton bax a hair weave sar? Di natural type… good, good Yaki bran made in China.

BP Official: Huh? What di bloody hell you all talking about? Hair weave? Is this what you want me to pay millions of dollars for? You take this thing for a joke?

Ratcliff:  Hey sah… mine yuh buss a shut button. Relax yuh self. Yuh neva si how hair weave can soak up aile yet? Why yuh tink yuh si di ooman dem a walk round wid dry head bout di place? As dem dash lickle ail ina dem head.. di weave nyam dat up like nutten neva goh in dey fram di day di weave patch in. Is dats why di gyal dem head dry like cocknat brush soh!

ButtaTeet: Trus wi Mista BP, it ago work man. None a fi unu hi-tech sinting naah wok anyway. An fi  wi plan come wid a zero pint naught percent money back guarantee.

BP Official: You people had better know what you are doing because my *ss is on the line for this and you people told me you could get this problem fixed.

TipyToe: Well count yuh blessings. Yuh noh gat noh *ss behine yuh, soh yuh noh have nutten fi loose.

BP Official: You can make jokes all you want. Tell me how is this thing going to work now?

BalheadDread: A simple ting dread. Wi ago tek a small boat outta sea an dash in di weave dem ova which part di aile a swim. Den wi jus watch di weave swallow up di aile. When  wi dun, wi jus crape up back di weave dem an put dem ina scandal bag.

BP Official: Ok, then how do you get rid of the oil soaked hair when it’s all done?

TipyToe: Get ridda? A wah do dis bredda yah? Wi a carry dem back to di Rock goh sell dem pan di black market! Yuh know how much money di skettel dem wi pay fi a ready made ail sheen weave?

BalheadDread: Yeah Man. A dat wi call hampa-try-nurship iyah! Wi ago promote di stappage a dry head pan di island, yuh noh seeit. Wi ago tell wi customas dem sey di weave dem come well priserve wid “Aile of the Bay”. Woooiiii! Yes Iyah!  A big tings!

BP Official: You people are nuts! OK get to work. Let’s just see if this madness you are talking about works.

The three men took off in the ocean spreading bundles of hair in the ocean. The BP officials using binoculars watched from the pier hoping that the Jamaicans had finally found the cure for their misery.

Three hours past and the oil appeared to be subsiding.  The news of the success spread across the airways and crews from CNN, MSNBC and CSPAN started filming the work of the Jamaicans. The BP officials were amazed at the speed at which the hair weaves sucked the oil from the ocean and began to throw high fives all around.  The US was in a euphoria singing the praises of the Jamaicans as they came back to shore to a jubilant BP officials and TV crew.

BP Official: I cannot believe it!! You guys did it!! Only you Jamaicans would think of such an ingenious plan. Bravo to you my friends!

Ratcliff: Wi did tell unu sey a simple ting dis man. Unu dash wey dem dey big ole ugly machine wey noh have noh use. An by di way gi wi di money mek wi get fi  goh bout wi business

BP Official: As you say in Jamaica – No Problem Mon. The cash is right over here for you. You can count it all if you want

BalheadDread: But Kiss mi gyal renking meat! A soh much money mek up 1.5 miyion?? No star, wi cyan count up dem deh money yahsoh. Eeehm…Is nat dat wi cyan count but mi noh able fi disyah breeze blow  weh di whole a wi money a sea. Wi trus yuh sey it all dey dey bossman. Rispec!

BP Official: Thank you all for this once again. Our company is forever indebted to you.

CNN Reporter: Hey Jamaicans! One moment please, we have someone who wants to talk to you by phone.

Ratcliff: Kiss mi Nike boot! A mi baby madda Patsy dat a call mi already? I doan know why mi goh tek up wid dat graven lizzad lip gyal enoh!

CNN Reporter : I don’t know who Patsy is sir. It’s President Obama wanting to congratulate you and your team and thank you all for a job well done sir.

Ratcliff: Tell Obama sey mi wi chat to im wan neda time. Im tink mi noh hear bout im pan Fax cable news? Imma wan blastid ginal! A waan im waan come tax wi money fi goh bail out Toyata outta fi dem prablem.  Im naah get none a dis a baxide!

CNN Reporter: Huh? Did anybody catch what the heck he just said?

©  Joelle “Wendy” Wright

4/14/2010

Parodies

Jamaican Bus Safety Guidelines

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Bus Driver: (speaking on the intercom) Good marning an welcome to bus numba 40, running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct unu attention to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model features.

Conductor: Hail up massive! We want you to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan di di Papine to Down Town route. Dis mogle bus is owned and operated by Rough Rider transports  Dis mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu can si, dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff time an it still a drive like new! This bus seats up to 55 passengers, howeva, due to our commitment to excellent service, wi do not leave anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up top 140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town.

During di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences. These are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out “Lard Jesas mi dead now!” – our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure di axle an wheel noh bruck aff inna wan a dem. But incase wi drap inna wan a dem pathole deh an cyaan come out, please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus fare…I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45.

This bus is not equipped with seat belts. Please hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide dung inna dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side. Our seating passengers may experience standing passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu . Please do not yell out “Hey batty bway, come off a mi r*ss lap!” Dat may cause a serious shoot out!

When unu coming aff di bus, please don’t expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di bus step skillfully. If unu drap an lan pan unu backside an bruck unu *ss, Rough Rider noh response.

This is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta fact, wi stop any which part wi waan. Wi stop at every yaad gate – all inna miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police. Incase of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase di normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout til wi drive weh lef di Babylon  bway dem.  Incase di bus get hijacked by a terrorist known as “pick pocket” – hole di bway an murda im to r*ss.

Finally, if wi reach Down Town inna one piece, please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung before unu can get off. Noh mine dem …unu hafi undastan seh seat kina ration. Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider bus pon di route and hope you enjoy di ride.  DRIVA – PRESS OUT!!

© Joelle “Wendy” Wright

03/12/99