As the government shut down continues, an exasperated President Barack Obama called in Speaker of the house, John Boehner, for talks in attempt to end the stalemate. The Speaker emerged from the talks very shaken and visibly in tears, claiming “ the President got straight Jamaican on me, man.” Boardlane TV obtained a voice recording of what went down behind closed doors during the talk. Take a listen.
Boehner: Hey there, Mister President! Thanks for inviting me to the White House for this talk. (Smiling) Nice tie, by the way.
Barack: (Grimacing) Jus sit yuh backside dung an noh come grin yuh big teet dem wid mi! Right now mi inna no joke bizness wid yuh! (Points) Pree dis, yuh si dis problem weh yuh an di ress a cow ticks dem inna di House a cause, unu betta sort it out proppa before unu get mi cross like Bounty Killa!
Boehner: (Eyes wide open) Wait a minute, Mister President. You’re Jamaican?! Hot dam! Man, I thought you were from Kenya, dude! And who’s “Bounty Killa?” His he from AlQueda?
Barack: YOW! Noh ask mi noh bombawt question bout Al Queda an stick to di matta before mi subtract yuh front teet. A long time mi a kip mi cool but unu gwaan soh til unu draw out di Yaadie outta mi an mek mi RED! (Stroking his chin) Soh when yuh an di fassy dem ago open up back di govament? Talk to mi!
Boehner: (Sighs) Well you see, Mister President, like we said days ago, we are willing to open up the government if you just stop handing out Health Care like candy to the American people. The American people don’t need health care. What the people want is more freedom, Mister President.
Barack: But a weh di kacka-tail yuh a chat bout, Bonah? How yuh mean di people dem noh waan healthcare! Man like yuh noh know nutten bout poor people plight an a my policy yuh waan come undamine. Mi tell yuh arredi an mi naah tell yuh again, mi naah mek NO deal pan di people dem ‘Bamacare! Yuh noh si nuff a di people dem inna Ted Cruz distric waan good dentis fi get dem teet fix! Everyday yuh si di blasted people dem pan TV wid wan bag a ratten teet inna dem blinking mout! Dem need di ‘Bamacare soh dem can goh tek care a dat nastiness!
Boehner: That is not the point though, sir. (Sighs) Look dude, I got a whole lotta them redneck bastard holding me hostage in the house. I ain’t trying to look like a punk in front of them. Please give me a little something, Mister President. Please!
Barack: Yow orange face termite! Yuh already look like a lickle punk!! Every minute yuh a walk roun a bawl like a lickle sissy an a wipe aff yuh nose naught pan yuh shut sleeve. Yuh know what your problem is, yuh an di Tea-Pot posse a try raise up ‘gainst di general an a instigate fi bring dung everyting Federal. But watch an si how unu plot ago flop. Real talk dat, bredrin!
Boehner: (Nervous laugh) No sir! Not true. All we want is compromise. Just a little compromise and we’ll open back the government and we’ll have a laugh about it on the golf course.
Barack: How ‘bout mi mek mi boot heel compromise wid yuh dankey face! Yuh tek bad man fi fool?! Laas time mi gi yuh compromise, yuh goh pan news an diss big man like yuh tink mi a di sausage nyaming bobo-dread weh marrid yuh knock knee dawta.
Boehner: It won’t happen again, I promise you. Throw me a bone please!!
Barack: Rasta, mi noh have noh boombeet bone a gi yuh! (Threatening stare) Lissen to mi boss man, noh mek mi get irate an set Bo fi bite out anneda hole inna yuh crusty b@tty! Di whole a unu betta stap tess mi patience before mi squeeze off a rocket fram mi drone an wipe out di whole a unu like how Hurricane Sandy wipe out Jersey!
Boehner: Naah ah! Not the drones. Calm down, bro! Look, what if we settle on another tax cut for the 1 %? How does that sound?
Barack: What if mi gi yuh uppa cut crass yuh jawbone?! How dat soun?
Boehner: (Flustered) Errrr.. OK, I guess no more tax cuts. Seriously, is there anything we can agree on today, sir? This damn Speakership is kicking my ass man! Give me something to take back to the house, please sir!
Barack: (Pulls him up by the collar) Mi seh fi open up back di blurtneet govament! A work mi come fi work ..a noh fowl mi come fi jerk! Wi seh wi naah retreat an wi naah surrenda!
Boehner: OK, sir. Let me go back and talk to the caucus. I’m going to try my best but you know my hands are tied. They’re trying to take me down, man!
Barack: Eeh, EEh. What a stress! Welcome to di party, cockroach! Now move from in front a mi before mi blow faas like a gas cylinda! If yuh know wah good fi yuh, come affa dis suicide mission caah a dead yuh out fi dead like cell phone battery. (Sipping alcohol) Mi deh yah soh a sip pan mi tigerbone blen up wid some tequila an a watch yuh movements.
Boehner: (Head hung low and sobbing) Man, this ain’t right! I hate this stupid job!
© Written by Joelle C. Wright October 4, 2013
Books by the Author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!“
“A Soh It Goh!“
“A Soh Dem Gwaan
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
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