Category Archives: Parodies

These are parodies that I wrote

Government Shut Down: Obama Gets “Jamaican” on Boehner (Spoof)

As the government shut down continues, an exasperated President Barack Obama called in Speaker of the house, John Boehner, for talks in attempt to end the stalemate. The Speaker emerged from the talks very shaken and visibly in tears, claiming “ the President got straight Jamaican on me, man.” Boardlane TV obtained a voice recording of what went down behind closed doors during the talk. Take a listen.

Boehner: Hey there, Mister President! Thanks for inviting me to the White House for this talk. (Smiling) Nice tie, by the way.

Barack: (Grimacing) Jus sit yuh backside dung an noh come grin yuh big teet dem wid mi! Right now mi inna no joke bizness wid yuh! (Points)  Pree dis, yuh si dis problem weh yuh an di ress a cow ticks dem inna di House a cause, unu betta sort it out proppa before unu get mi cross like Bounty Killa!

Boehner: (Eyes wide open) Wait a minute, Mister President. You’re Jamaican?!  Hot dam! Man, I thought you were from Kenya, dude! And who’s “Bounty Killa?” His he from  AlQueda?

Barack: YOW! Noh ask mi noh bombawt question bout Al Queda an stick to di matta before mi subtract yuh front teet. A long time mi a kip mi cool but unu gwaan soh til unu draw out di Yaadie outta mi an mek mi RED!  (Stroking his chin) Soh when yuh an di fassy dem ago open up back di govament? Talk to mi!

Boehner: (Sighs) Well you see, Mister President, like we said days ago, we are willing to open up the government if you just stop handing out Health Care like candy to the American people. The American people don’t need health care. What the people want is more freedom, Mister President.

Barack: But a weh di kacka-tail yuh a chat bout, Bonah? How yuh mean di people dem noh waan healthcare! Man like yuh noh know nutten bout poor people plight an a my policy yuh waan come undamine. Mi tell yuh arredi an mi naah tell yuh again, mi naah mek NO deal pan di people dem ‘Bamacare! Yuh noh si nuff a di people dem inna Ted Cruz distric waan good dentis  fi get dem teet fix! Everyday yuh si di blasted people dem pan TV wid wan bag a ratten teet inna dem blinking mout! Dem need di ‘Bamacare soh dem can goh tek care a dat nastiness!

Boehner: That is not the point though, sir. (Sighs)  Look dude, I got a whole lotta them redneck bastard holding me hostage in the house. I ain’t trying to look like a punk in front of them. Please give me a little something, Mister President.  Please!

Barack: Yow orange face termite! Yuh already look like a lickle punk!!  Every minute  yuh a walk roun a bawl like a lickle sissy an a wipe aff yuh nose naught pan yuh shut sleeve.  Yuh know what your problem is, yuh an di Tea-Pot posse a try raise up ‘gainst di general an a instigate fi bring dung everyting Federal. But watch an si how unu plot ago flop. Real talk dat, bredrin!

Boehner: (Nervous laugh) No sir! Not true. All we want is compromise. Just a little compromise and we’ll open back the government and we’ll have a laugh about it on the golf course.

Barack: How ‘bout mi mek mi boot heel compromise wid yuh dankey face! Yuh tek bad man fi fool?! Laas time mi gi yuh compromise, yuh goh pan news an diss big man like yuh tink mi a di sausage nyaming bobo-dread weh marrid yuh knock knee dawta.

Boehner: It won’t happen again, I promise you. Throw me a bone please!!

Barack: Rasta, mi noh have noh boombeet bone a gi yuh! (Threatening stare) Lissen to mi boss man, noh mek mi get irate an set Bo fi bite out anneda hole inna yuh crusty b@tty! Di whole a unu betta stap tess mi patience before mi squeeze off a rocket fram mi drone an wipe out di whole a unu like how Hurricane Sandy wipe out Jersey!

Boehner: Naah ah! Not the drones. Calm down, bro! Look, what if we settle on another tax cut for the 1 %? How does that sound?

Barack: What if mi gi yuh uppa cut crass yuh jawbone?! How dat soun?

Boehner: (Flustered) Errrr.. OK, I guess no more tax cuts. Seriously, is there anything we can agree on today, sir? This damn Speakership is kicking my ass man!  Give me something to take back to the house, please sir!

Barack: (Pulls him up by the collar) Mi seh fi open up back di blurtneet govament! A work mi come fi work ..a noh fowl mi come fi jerk! Wi seh wi naah retreat an wi naah surrenda!

Boehner: OK, sir. Let me go back and talk to the caucus. I’m going to try my best but you know my hands are tied. They’re trying to take me down, man!

Barack: Eeh, EEh. What a stress! Welcome to di party, cockroach! Now move from in front a mi before mi blow faas like a gas cylinda! If yuh know wah good fi yuh, come affa dis suicide mission caah a dead yuh out fi dead like cell phone battery. (Sipping alcohol)  Mi deh yah soh a sip pan mi tigerbone blen up wid some tequila an a watch yuh movements.

Boehner: (Head hung low and sobbing) Man, this ain’t right!  I hate this stupid job!

 © Written by Joelle C. Wright  October 4, 2013

Books by the Author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan

For more laughs, visit:

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The Voice finally went live on Nov 4th, with Team Adam and Team Blake giving performances throughout the night. However, the NBC show saved the best for last. The Jamaican songstress, Tessanne Chin, absolutely stole the show with her mind-blowing soulful rendition of Jimmy Cliff‘s “Many Rivers To Cross.” With the voting round now open, Boardlane TV wanted to get insights on how Jamaicans showed their support for Tessanne Chin.
Boardlane TV: Good day to all, I am here reporting from Emancipation Park in Kingston where we are trying to learn just how Jamaicans supported Tessanne’s latest stellar performance on The Voice. Standing next to me is a St. Andrew’s High school student. Tell us your name and did you vote for the hometown star last night?
Jessica: (Excited) Oh My God! Mi cyaan believe mi deh pan TV. (Waving) Hi Mommy! Mi Daddy! Hello everyone, my name is Jessica Ann-Marie Chin. And yes, I did vote for Tessanne Chin. She was magnificent!

Boardlane TV:: Incidentally you both have the same last name. Any relations by chance?
Jessica: Miss, a wish dat she was mi sista or even mi Auntie because at least mi schoolmate dem would fren mi up more. Di only time dem waan fren mi up an when dem cyaan do dem Maths homework. Fram yuh last name a “Chin” dem jus automatically tink seh yuh brite like stadium bulb. So to ansa di question… unfartunately wi nat related.
Boardlane TV:: OK. Fair enough. How did you vote for Tessanne?
Jessica: Well, I did plan fi gi har 30 votes. Mi vote pan mi Digicel 10 times. Den mi barrow mi daddy phone an vote wan next 10 time. Mi ask mi bredda fi len mi fi im phone but as usual, di jackass noh have noh credit pan fi im phone. (Gestures with her fingers) Soh dat is 30 vote minus di 20… dat lef only 10 votes. Soh as yuh can see mi bredda mek mi short 10 vote in total. A bex yuh si.
Boardlane TV:: Wow! You are truly one hell of a Math brains. Well, I am sure she appreciates the 20 votes, nevertheless. Moving along to this young fellow wearing a “TEAM BREAD and BUTTA” t-shirt. Did you cast your vote last night, young man?
Phensic: Easy noh nice lady, yuh waan si seh a by di grace a di Almighty mek mi get fi si di show laas night. Bi blastid powa people dem lack aaf big man light 2 mont now an a bare flashlight a do mi ting. An yuh know seh flash light cyaan operate Television.
Boardlane TV:: That’s true. So with no electricity, did you go somewhere else to watch the show?
Phensic: (Shrugs) Naah man! Di bredda weh live side a mi have light, soh all mi do a jus itch up wan line pan im powa line an tief lickle light fi di hour. A soh mi ketch di show. But mi neva get fi vote dowe. (Kiss teet) Noh phone noh inna di house an mi noh buy noh charga fi di cellular yet. Suffaration a kill mi sistren. But a wi seh Tessanne to di worrrll! STRAIGHT!!
Boardlane TV:: That is an interesting tale. Thanks for sharing. (Walking over to another area) Hey sir, seeing as you are clutching a Bible, it appears you are a man of the church. Have you tuned into the TV show, The Voice? Also, do you have any idea what’s going on with Tessanne Chin?
Pastor Lewin: (Hand akimbo) Sista TV smaddy, mi noh live unda fowl roost enoh. Of course mi watch di Voice! Fram di show start mi tell mi congregation seh mi naah do noh more praya meeting pan Mondays. Mi tell dem fi tan a dem yaad an ask Gad fi showa im blessings pan Miss Chin caah mi cyaan badda wid dem an dem worries pan Monday night.
Boardlane TV:: Oh! So you shifted priorities! So what’s your take on her performance and did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: Sista…blessed be to Jesas di son of God because laas night my yeye did see wan angel pan di TV! What a lilly gyal pretty like money! Halleeluu! Den di frack jus hug up har hip tight like bad man fist. Halleeluu!! Sista, when shi a sing “many rivas to cross”… mi git up an ketch inna spirit an bawl out, PUPPA JESAS, I CANNA CROSS DIS RIVA! (Rocking side to side) GLORY! Hallilujah! I said, Maasa Gad! Tek mi to yuh Kingdom now an sen Miss Chin come to mi!
Boardlane TV:: OK Pastor. Calm down a bit, sir! Did you vote?
Pastor Lewin: No enoh Sista. Mi was soh ovacome wid emotions an di Holy Sprit dat mi paas out flat a grung when shi dun sing di sang. Me is a very sarry smaddy. Nex time mi wi kip mi foot pan more solid ground soh mi can get in mi vote dem. Halleeluu!!
Boardlane TV: (Chuckles) You are something else. Let’s move on to this lady who is actually selling the Observer highlighting the story. Miss, we want to know how Jamaicans threw their support around Tess last night. Did you vote and how did you vote?
Pepsi: (Puts down her stack of papers) Well, mi glad dem finally call election fi di show. An mi like fi dem election caah yuh can double up pan di vote dem nuff time. Mi vote soh til mi finga dem scaach aff to rahtid! When dem cut mi aff, mi tek taxi goh a mi Sista yaad goh fine out if mi can vote pan fi har lan line. Shi tell mi seh shi dun aff fi har vote dem an mi cyaan use har phone.
Boardlane TV:(Chuckles) Wow. So you paid for a taxi just to add more votes? Did you feel that you wasted time and money since you could not vote on your sister’s phone?
Pepsi: Lady, mi wi climb blue mountain peak wid mi bad knee an swim troo sewage wata fi mek sure seh Tessanne get har rightful amount a vote. Dem fi gi wi more dan 10 vote causen seh fi a small island wi deserve bout hundred an odd to infinity, plus tax!
Boardlane TV: But you did at least give her all 10 votes, right?
Pepsi: Afta yuh neva mek mi dun tell mi story! Afta mi fine out seh mi sista nyam up all a fi har vote dem, mi set mi clock fi rise before cock put aan im drawz. Mi call wan nex taxi fi drap mi aff a “Print Plus” as soon as dem door open. Mi write mi name an address pan pieca paypa an beg di owna man fi fax off 10 more vote a farrin fi mi dis marning. (Beats her chest) A soh mi goh to work! Support fi Tess by any means necessary, mi love!
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Faxing votes, ah? That is certainly a new and innovative way of voting. Well viewers, you have heard it here. Jamaicans doing the most bizarre things to ensure they throw all their support behind Tessanne Chin. This is Wendy reporting from Emancipation Park. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright September 25, 2013
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit:
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Tessanne Chin Wows The Voice: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)

Jamaicans woke up to a natural high after witnessing Reggae superstar, Tessanne Chin, dominated night two of The Voice’s  blind auditions. Tessanne, who really had the judges going all-in, sang “Try” by Pink. The Jamaican had all four judges turned around by the time she hit the song’s chorus. Today Boardlane TV gets reaction from Jamaicans in downtown, Kingston.

Boardlane TV: Good day everyone, I am here in downtown Kingston where there a few elated Jamaicans gathered in a corner store still reminiscing about their home town girl’s performance on NBC’s, The Voice. Let’s hear what some of them have to say. Miss, step over here and tell us how you feel this morning after that wonderful performance by Tessanne Chin?

Joan: (Fanning away tears) Oh my sweet Jesas! Lady, a proud a Tennessee so til mi baddy WEAK!….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Her name is Tess-anne. Not “Tennessee” …that is the name of a State in the US.

Joan: Oh sarry! Dats why dem chiney people fi gi dem pickney name weh black people can pronounce, enoh. Cho! Ah-rite, soh what I were saying was dat Miss Tennessee gi dem a peica show deh! Mi seh, when di girl touch pan di fuss note mi jump up in spirit sed time. Den yuh si when di fuss chair tun roun .. a pan di grung mi deh wid asthma attack to fawt! Is mi son haffi carry mi ventilator sinting soh mi coulda breade again. Wooiiii! Excitement come ova mi dat mi nearly dead to rahtid! Tennessee, yuh sell aff, my girl!

Boardlane TV: Very nice…although you are still calling her “Tennessee.” Moving on. You Sir, was this a moment of pride and joy for you as it seems for everyone?

Graig: Den noh muss man! Bway, Jamaica really did need dis fi liff up wi spirit. Wi did a cry fi somting fi jubilate ova, caah si di blastid Reggae Boyz dem goh pan world stage goh put wi to shame wah day. Dah sinting still bun mi til dis day!  But Miss Tess really tun up har ting loud pan di stage an mek wi can HICE UP di black, green, and gold once more. Wi well prouda har bad!

Boardlane TV: Well done, sir. Thanks. Hi there, come and have a chat with me. Did you see the performance and what do you think of it?

Icilyn: Dat lickle gyal pickney did granny heart proud but shi have to be very, very careful what shi talk out of har mout mek certain people hear.

Boardlane TV: (Confused) Come again. What do you mean by that, madam?

Icilyn:  What I mean is, when Portia Simpson goh hear seh har singing is har Bread an Butta, shi naah goh do nutten but put aan more tax pan bread an butta. All Portia waan know is, if sinting a mek smaddy eat a food, it fi get tax an mi cyaan afford fi tax raise pan bread and butta caah dats all mi nyam a day time soh mi noh dead fi hungry.

Boardlane TV: (Chuckling) OK, madam. I hear you. Thank you for that Candid remark. Young miss, do you have anything else to add?

Rachel:  (Holding the Mike) Yes, I would like to say to Tessa dat di whole a wi back home pulling for you shuga plum-plum. Wi also very happy dat yuh pick Adam an nat dat Country half-ediat name, Blake. How im fi ask di girl if she has ever been to Jamaica? Noh yah shi barn an grow?! Mi seh some people ignorant and dunce yuh si man! (Kiss teet) Well, im an im bow foot can nobaddy tink im a win dis again caah it ago bi Adam an Tess TO DI WOORLLLLLL!! Jamaicans seh soh!

Boardlane TV: I hear you. Well, we have just enough time for one more remark. Miss in the white blouse, come on over. Give us your feedback on the performance?

Bubbles: (Excited) Wooiiieee! Mi seh Missa Chin was di highlight a di night fi mi. Im jus goh pan di farrin TV an demand dat Tessa SHUT DEM DUNG BABY! Missa Chin noh tap jump up an prance like bull frag roun a back deh. But Lady, mi is a artical, rude gyal fram Vineyard Town an mi noh usually bawl fi much…but yuh si when Missa Chin start halla an seh, “Lawd mi lickle baby!” .. a buss out some cow bawling inna di place til all yeye wata soak mi ti-ti dem. Wi prouda all dem – dung to di puppa! Gad know!

Boardlane TV: Do you think she can win the competition?

Bubbles: Lady, dat is a very foo-fool questian! Anyting di yaadie dem inna wi haffi tek di Gold! Only di lickle football a gi wi trubble but a troo dem bway deh a play wid two lef foot. Tessanne Chin a tek dis ting to dem! Nobaddy cyaan compare!

Boardlane TV:  Well folks, there you have it. A very jubilant set of Kingstonians celebrating Jamaica’s Tessanne Chin’s appearance on the Voice which they deem a very proud and eventful night for Jamaicans around the word. This has been Wendy reporting from Kingston. Thanks for tuning into Boardlane TV.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  September 25, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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Boardlane TV has learned that House Speaker John Boehner’s 35 year old daughter, Lindsay Boehner, is set to marry Jamaican-born Rastafarian, Dominic Lakhan. Reports are that Speaker Boehner is not happy about his daughter’s choice for a fiancée. But how do Jamaicans feel about this union? Boardlane TV took to the streets to gauge reactions.

Boardlane TV: Excuse me sir. I am looking for some opinions on a story we are following. The Speaker of the house is about to be the father-in-law of a Jamaican Rastafarian. What do you think about that?

Ruddy:  SEH WAH?! Mi noh know a who dem  enoh, sistren. Yuh have a pictra fi show mi?

Boardlane TV: Sure! (Showing him photos) This is a photo of the Boehner family and this is the photo of her Jamaican fiancée. As you can see, he is clearly a Rasta.

Ruddy: Kiss mi neck! (Singing) Guess who’s coming to dinna…Natty Dreadlocks!  Bway, di bo-bo dread ago create inta-racial HISTORY to rahtid!

Boardlane TV: Why do you say that? There have been many Dreads who have dated Caucasian women before. This isn’t new.

Ruddy: Look yah man…di puppa orange and di  gyal look orange to. Dem  deh people noh white!  Im ago bi di fus Ras fi marrid inna orange family. (Laughing hard) If dem eva have any pickney, dem a goh have color like carrot an pumpkin. Wooiiiii!!

Boardlane TV: Fair enough. Thanks for your comments, sir.  Now you Mister, do you have an opinion on the relationship between Speaker Boehner’s daughter and the Jamaican Rasta?

Kirk: (Shaking his head)  Weh mi waan fi know is how dis Dread tek up imself an gaan mix up imself wid poli-trikcian pickney. Mi a bun a fiyah caah Boehner is a man weh nat even waan legalize di herb much less fi have weed head inna im family. Mek im tan deh til  Boehner  get a immigration man fi dip im blousecut back a yaad!

Boardlane TV: That’s interesting but maybe the relationship is a real and genuine one. What do you think about that?

Kirk: (Kissteet) REAL?!! Di dread nat even real to brown daaag. Di man all a nyam Sausage McMuffin fram MacDonald’s an a drink diet Coke! Everyting bout dis ting circumspect. Mi naah feel dah wan yah a-tall, Jah know!

Boardlane TV: LOL. Thanks for your candid remarks sir. Let me get another opinion from this lady.  You look disturbed. What do you have to say about this relationship?

Miss Delcy: Yuh know something noh smell right wid dis ting yah.

Boardlane TV: Why do you say so, miss?

Miss Delcy: Mi is a very old woman but mi have plenty wisdom inna mi head. How comes dis rasta bway penetrate disyah big family soh easy an im anoh smaddy important?  Mi mine tell mi sey is Portia Simpson set up di bway fi fren up dis gyal fi get favors fram di US govament.

Boardlane TV: I am lost. What are you talking about?

Miss Delcy: Portia a tek time mash up Jamaica an a run it inna bankruptcy. Shi plant dis Rasta inna di govament fi im fi try get farrin aid fi help bail har out of har worries. An shi prably set im up fi beg Boehner fi gi Jamaica a bly fi sell ganja to di US fi lickle an nutten. Mi have a clear vision pan wah a gwaan. Dis is a undacova plan.

Lisa: (Intervenes) Lady, mi noh tink nat a bloody ting goh soh caah mi hear seh di bway did get lack up fi weed an Bona is a man weh a fight gainst di herb bad. Di Rasta bway start aff pan di wrang footing arredi. (Throws her hand in the air) Lawd Gad have His Mercy an like how  Bona soh dyam bawly, bawly…a now im ago bawl.

Boardlane TV:  His name is “Boehner”, pronounced “Bay-ner,” not “Boner.”

Lisa: Well a “Bona” mi call im caah im is a blasted bone head! An come een like di dawta is a bone head to caah weh shi a do wid a rasta man? Shi noh know seh dem noh partake inna powk nyamings? Di whole a di Bona dem come fram Ohio an mi know fi a fact seh dem grow roun nuff Hag Farm inna dah State deh.

Boardlane TV: Really? I didn’t draw that connection with the State of Ohio and pigs.

Lisa: Yes missis. Dem people deh nyam powk like it ago goh outta style. Di hag dem inna Ohio even have dem own Twitter account to how dem popular. But mi noh bizness wid dem. Mi have bigga tings pan my head but dat deh Rastaman betta study di runnings before im  get sheg an en up a live pan Hog farm wid Bona. Mi noh know how Tanksgiving dinna ago work out fi di dread!

Boardlane TV:  You learn something new every day. Thanks for talking with us. Well folks, it appears that the Jamaicans are skeptical of the sustenance of this intriguing relationship. This is Wendy reporting from the streets. No back to regular scheduled programming.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright 4/26/2013

Books by the Author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

 A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

Grammy’s Bob Marley Tribute: Jamaicans React. (Jamaican Spoof)

The 55th Annual Grammys paid tribute to Bob Marley on Sunday with a segment featuring Rihanna, Sting, Bruno Mars, and the late reggae icon’s sons Ziggy and Damian. What was a well-anticipated event from viewers all over the world, including Jamaicans; Boardlane TV gets feedback from Jamaicans living in the Atlanta area.

Boardlane TV: Good day, I am here live with Vivia who wants to share her opinion on the tribute. Vivia, you are one of many who watched the Bob Marley tribute at the Grammys. Tell us what you thought of it.

Vivia: Well fuss to begin, mi noh really watch Grammy to dat caah more time a bare drunkard pan it. But mi sista call mi seh mi was to chune in caah dem about fi do wan Bob tribute. Soh mi tun to di station an siddung deh a wait. Mi wait an wait soh til mi get hungry an decide seh mi ago set aan a pot a parridge….

Boardlane TV: (Interrupts) Just get to your opinion, please. We have only a few short minutes on the air.

Vivia: Lawd misiss, mek yuh a rush mi soh?! Mek mi hassemble mi toughts inna mi head noh! Cho! Anyway, soh afta 1 hour wait dem goh soh – BOOM! Time fi di tribute. An mi siddung wid mi frack tail lap an a salivate. Mi si wan lickle midget come aan name, Bruno. (Pauses) Yuh know seh a soh mi lickle, puppy daag name to? Ah-rite back to di ting now. Soh when Bruno come aan im a sing bout “Locked Out Of Heaven.” Same time mi call back mi sista an ask har a wah year Bob did buss dah chune deh caah mi neva hear Bob a sing nutten bout Maasa Gad lack im outta heaven.

Boardlane TV: Well, that is not one of Bob’s songs. That is a Bruno Mars song.

Vivia: Dat is prexactly right! Dat a how comes mi get canfuse now caah mi tink a Bob dem a tribute. Fi tell yuh di troot, mi a look fi si Bruno tan up pan wan stool – to how im is a shorty-poop-stick, an play im guitar an sing some “Redemption Song.”  If im neva know noh Bob chune im coulda Google an fine wan an practice fi sing it. Dat lickle, tumpa foot bway is very slack an outta arda fi a come pan Bob tribute tribute a promote fi im chune. Dat is RENKNISS! An mi nat very pleased!

Boardlane TV: Well, it is fair to say you don’t approve. Does anyone standing around here think that the tribute was done fairly well? Sir, do you want to respond to that question?

Michael: Sistren, all now mi a wait pan di tribute. Di fus two weh come aan neva sing noh Bob chune soh when mi si Ri-Ri come out an a skank mi seh, ah-rite shi come wdi sinting good. But di more shi skank an a beat up har chess, all mi a si a di tattoo brazier shi a wear unda har shut. Mi chune har out sed time. All now mi cudden tell yuh weh shi sing seh.

Boardlane TV: Ok sir thanks. No one liked the tribute? How about when the Marley brothers performed?

Felicia: (Steps forward) Well Ziggy coulda paas. At least im sing wan a im faada sang dem. When Junior Gong come aan now, a some DJ bizness im a come wid an mek di whole a di people dem a di Grammy canfuse to backside! All Ellen DeGeneres tap dance an a look like – A weh di…??! When yuh si Ellen tap dance yuh muss know seh sinting is VERY wrang!

Donna: (Chimes in) And unu did si how Damian locks lang dung a grung? Mi did jus a pray seh im noh tan deh jump an land pan di locks an pitch ova an grung. A woulda dead wid laff to blousecut! Dat woulda mek di wait wortwhile.

Boardlane TV: So again, no one liked any of the tribute?

Jessica: Oh God. At least dem did try. Plus everybady did a drap asleep inna di room until dat part come aan. Everybady git up an a rock two side. Dung to my girl, Nicole Kidman did a try move, aldowe shi stiff like rigamortis set pan har. Shi a dance an a ongle di neck yuh si a move. Every weh else pan har bady refuse fi budge. Soh mi gi dem a lickle bly fi lively up di place.

Terrence: (Disagrees) No star! Mi naah gi dem noh bly a puss tail!  It did too blinking shart to! Mi waan fi know dis. If dem did a do wan tribute to Whitney Houston, dem woulda mek people goh up deh goh sing Brittany Spears sang? As far as mi si, a diss dem diss Bob. Di way how dem do di ting, dem coulda raise di man outta im grave fi  shat dem a carton bax an run dem affa di blurtnaught stage. Dem fi run weh wid dat sheggries!

Boardlane TV: Interesting. Thank you all for your candid remarks. It appears that the tribute may have not been well received by most Jamaican viewers. We hope that the Grammys will take another stab at a tribute worthy of praise the next time around. This has been Wendy reporting live from Atlanta. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  February 11, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:

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Volkswagen Super Bowl AD: Live from Negril (Jamaican Sketch)

Boardlane TV reporting live from the beaches of Negril, where we are here to get the reactions of Jamaicans on the controversial Volkswagen ad that has been causing a stir in the U.S. Some  critics have described the pregame Super Bowl ad from Volkswagen of America as offensive and culturally insensitive. Some will say, it depends who you talk to, so let us find out how these folks in tourist town, feel about it.  

Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, Mister. Have you heard of the new Volkswagen ad that has been causing quite a buzz in the United States?

Bugzy: Yeah man. Di ad have a cool vibes still. Weh dem a try show people seh is dat nutten too tough noh badda we Jamaicans, yuh si mi? If wi noh have food fi eat, wi jus pap big smile an gwaan pose aff wid white squall pan wi mout carna sed way. If wata lack aff… no problem man…wi jus wait til when rain start fall fi ketch a bade. A soh wi dweet!

Boardlane TV:  So you endorse the happy-go-lucky vibe the ad portrays of Jamaicans and you believe that is a good thing for the car company?    

Bugzy: Moas definitely caah fram dem naah talk bout how wi a tief an smoke ganja, mi cool wid it. More time di white people dem too uptight, fi real. Like all di man inna di en bout im a look pan watch an a race up di man bout im late. Jamaican people noh watch clack dem way deh. Mi glad when Dave tell im fi chill out im blurtneet self, bout im a look pan watch. If a mi did a run dah ad deh, mi mek Dave come outta di cyar an shat im bax mek im dizzy! A soh wi dweet.  Maximum rispec to Dave an di crew, fi real.

Boardlane TV: Thanks for your candor, young man. Good afternoon sir, as a food vendor here in Negril  I am sure you meet a lot of tourist day-to-day. What do you think of Volkswagen’s portrayal of Jamaicans using a white man from Minnesota?

Macka Beard:  Di advertizment wikid! Hey, yuh know seh mi know dah bredda deh inna di commercial?

Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) You do?

Macka Beard: Yeah man, Dave come on yah nuff time an orda two fish an bammy fram mi more time. Im come a yaad every holiday fi soak up some sun. A mi artical dat!

Boardlane TV:  But do you realize the gentleman is an actor and “Dave” is not his real name? Are you sure you are not mistaking him for someone else?

Macka Beard: Yow, yuh a tek big man fi fool? Mi seh a mi idren DAVE weh come fram Mannasotta weh come a mi food stan all di while!

Boardlane TV: The name of the State is Minnesota, sir.  Min-nes-ota.

Macka Beard: Mannasotta.. Minnesota.. wah di difference? Mi a try show yuh seh a dah same man deh come drink two Red Stripe wid mi all di while. Im use to walk all bout pan di beach wid im face lang dung til mi haffi show im seh im fi tun im frown in a smile an noh tek noh stress. Si dem all a use it inna di commercial. A mi all teach im fi chat like yaad man, soh mi noh know weh yuh a come questian mi bout.  

Boardlane TV: OK, OK. I am not going to argue with you, sir. Have a good day. (Calling out ) Mister, could you give us a few minutes?  Have you heard of the VW ad that is being debated in the news lately?

Reggie: Yes lady! Mi si di ad a run pan di news an dem a seh some farrin people seh it racist an dem ting deh.

Boardlane TV: Do you agree with that?

Reggie: No Star! Di ad ah-rite but a di cyar dem mi noh like. Dem deh blastid VW always a bruck dung wid people a road to bloodbawt. Yuh know seh mi did have wan inna ‘88 weh wi use to call “Buggy.”  Memba dem? Mi seh as mi drive aff fi bout 2 minute, di flipping cyar cut aff an a cough like it a choke. Den it alone coulda kill ten tousen maskita wid di amount a smoke weh a falla back a it.

Boardlane TV: Well, that was back then. I think they have better cars these days.

Reggie: Mi noh care weh dem waan seh inna dem commercial, mi naah buy noh more VW a bombeet! Dem coulda tun dem frown inna smile til di sun tun red, mi naah buy none! But mi still tink di commercial tun up!

Boardlane TV: Well, glad you see things in some positive light. Thanks and have a good day.  

Norma: (Walking along as she yells) PEPPA SWIMPS! FIFTY DALLA  gi yuh a bag!  PEPPA SWIMPS!

Boardlane TV: (Waving) Hello miss. Come here for a minute, love.

Norma: (Excited) Peppa swimps, lady?

Boardlane TV: No, no. Just want ask a question. Boardlane TV here and we are live on air.

Norma: (Patting her hair down) Lawd Gad lady! Afta mi hair noh comb. Mi cyaan deh pan TV wid mi head tan soh!   

Boardlane TV: You look fine. Wanted to ask you if you heard about the Super Bowl ad from Volkswagen and what’s your take on it. Is it controversial to you?

Norma: Oh! Yuh talk bout di ad wid di hurry-come-up man weh a tell people inna im workplace seh dem fi tap mek up dem face like sour puss an bi happy? Mi like it man! Mi jus glad dem neva mek im wear wan a dem hat wid di fake rasta dread a heng aff pan it. A dat time mi woulda cuss! Mi cyaan bare si di sinting pan di white people dem head.

Boardlane TV: So no controversy at all for you?

Norma: No, Miss TV lady. Nutten noh wrang wid it. An wan neda ting mi glad fah, is dat dem neva play noh Bob Marley chune inna di background. Marley music sweet an all but a full time odda people get a buss. Mi did love fi hear when Jimmy Cliff come aan. Mi all did figet seh im a smaddy to how dem live pan Bob Marley. Every blastid commercial dem do a farrin is bare: (singing)  One love, one heart… Let’s get together and feel all right… Cho! Mi tiyad a dat rahtid now man. VW to di worrrll! A soh wi seh!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) So funny. We thank you for your remarks.

Norma: Soh wait deh. Yuh naah buy wan Peppa swimps fram mi?

Boardlane TV: OK. I’ll have one for you being such a good sport. But in the meantime, let me turn it back to our studios. This has been Wendy reporting live from Negril. Thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.

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© Written by Joelle C. Wright  January 31, 2013

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!”

For more laughs, visit:



Tonight is must-see TV! It is the night Americans find out who has been elected president.  But Jamaicans may have other viewing preferences. Boardlane TV obtains insights on how Jamaicans view President Barack Obama and his Republican challenger Mitt Romney.

Boardlane TV: Hello, Wendy coming to you live from Cross Roads where I am soliciting the views of members of the public as to who they think will emerge winner when Americans cast their votes and the results announced. I am starting with a lovely young lady who seems to be excited. Will you be watching the results as the come in?

Tasha: Den mi noh muss watch weh a gwaan pan di farrin election! Mi noh want a soul tell mi how it did goh. Mi waan seet live an direct pan mi cola TV fi miself. Mi set up mi two dutchie pat ready fi tonight.

Boardlane TV: You are in for all night cooking to watch?

Tasha: No lady! A wah do yuh? Di pat cova a fi when dem declare ‘Bama di winna an mi set out pan di road a lick mi dutchie pat cova an a fling up mi frack tail inna di air an a galang like ole naygah!

Boardlane TV: OK love, just make sure you wear clean underwear. Sir just a moment, will you be tuned into the US Presidential elections tonight?

Tony: No, enoh sistren. I man cyaan watch cauzen seh dem cut aff mi cable fram wah day.  Mi inna wan nex bine caah JPS ketch mi a tief light fram ova di school an nat even local statian mi ago get fi watch. Mi bex noh blurtseed! But mi wi try ketch some a it pan di radio statian dowe ..if di battery dem hole out. Bless up!  (He walks away)

Boardlane TV: I guess he is out of luck tonight. Blue shirt! Over here, please. Who will you be rooting for in this year’s US Presidential election?

Bruck Packet: Obama wi seh still! Hope seh Obama tun up di ting caah it would be more easia fi Jamaica fi continue fi have good trade relations wid di US. A nuff tings wi export to  farrin weh Mitt Money naah defen. Yuh si mi?

Boardlane TV: Like what soh?

Bruck Packet: Mitt Money a talk some way like seh im noh have noh rispec fi weh wi a cantribute to di ‘Merican society. Look how much tings wi bring a farrin come show dem. A wi show dem how fi do di dalla wine. Yuh eva a watch Beyonce a bubble pan stage? A yaad shi bring dat fram enoh! Look all pan di amount a renta yam dem man a buy up jus troo dem a try cultivate di nex Bolt. If a neva fi wi ‘Merican people noh get fi wear rasta tam wid fake locks. Straight! Dem deh kine a export wi still gwaan unda Obama. A soh mi seet.

Boardlane TV: Wow that was very educational.  Never knew those things played such a key role in the US. OK young man, what say you about this election? Who do you want to win?

Terrence: (Gun finger in the air) Barack to di weerlll wi seh!! Di man weh a challenge im a gwaan like seh im noh rate immigrants.Yet still wi dun know seh im have quarta dozen Mexicans a rake up wan bag a harse dee-dee a im yaad. Unu news people fi goh check it out. Mi bet  unu two fowl outta mi fowl coob seh im have some man a pay unda di table fi wipe di harse dem backside as dem drap a load.

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) You don’t say? Not sure we can look into that but well stated. Sir, will you be watching the results of the US election?

Wolfie Den mi noh muss watch dat man! Boss man, Obama all the way wi seh! A black man time now!

Boardlane TV: So  is your support for him because he is African American?

Wolfie: Well is nat jus troo im black man still. But di man a daag heart mi a tell yuh. All dem adda white man noh wikid like im. Man a pap shat inna every man head lef an right. Di pirates dem who tek hostage get  dem head lick aff. Im pap a coppa shat right troo Bin Laden yeye. Libya man all get duss out. A black man fi run di tings caah if a man come tess, im get im dead. All Mitt a come wid is a bag a mout talk a folda fulla ooman. Weh dat can do?

Boardlane TV: Nothing I suppose. Well it seems Jamaicans have taken one side of this election and is in support of the current President. We will be watching as the votes are tallied and a President declared. This is Wendy reporting. Have a pleasant day.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  May 10, 2012

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

For more laughs, visit:



Jamaicans are hunkered down as Hurricane Sandy with pelting rain and howling winds, is battering the island. However, a few brave souls are out and about defying warnings to stay home. Boardlane TV is here this St. Ann area to speak to some of them.

Boardlane TV: (Under an umbrella) Hello, I am here in the streets where heavy winds have picked up a few minutes ago. I am about to speak to a mentally ill man who lives here on the street and he seems to be the least bit worried about the storm. Sir, do you need help to get into a shelter?

Mad Max: Goh a which shelta?! Yuh a mad ooman?! Yuh tink mi coulda hear seh wan gyal name, Sandy a come an run weh lef har?  Everyday man a git up a call mi mad, but is only a mad man would git up an lef Sandy all alone. (Eyes closed) Feel how di breeze nice soh til!  I can smell di scent of Sandy as shi whiff paas mi nose-ole. Shi a tantalize mi wid har tenda touch pan di back mi elbow. (Arms stretched out) Sandy baby, come man-hangle mi like a wild beast, mi shuga candy. Drench mi wid yuh love, baby. Kill mi wid it, buttacup!

Boardlane TV: Sir, I understand that you are mentally ill but I am truly concerned for your safety. You need to get to a shelter.

Mad Max: Fret not, caah mi Sandy wi protect mi unda har bosom. Listen good. Yuh hear dat? Mi hear Sandy a whispa some sweet lyrics inna mi ears. (Hugging himself) Sandy, come wi goh roun a di back a di church an mek tree baby wan time, mi dawling.

Boardlane TV: (Sigh) Oh dear. He is really not all together. Moving on to a young lady who is soaked from head to toe. What are you doing out here when you should be home?

Marsha: Hi, hello. Mi jus wanted to come check out di wan, Sandy. Mi waan fi know how shi soh brazen. Shi noh hear seh dem a rape aff ooman lef to right dung yah? Is why shi a come eggs up harself now fi come a Jamaica like shi noh gat noh flipping sense! (Wagging her finger) Sandy, please to goh back where yuh coming fram an mine man ketch yuh an rape yuh aff.

Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Never a dull day with Jamaicans.  Moving over to man in the far corner with his back turn to us.  Excuse me young man. Why are you out here in the storm?

Ronny: (With Carbolic Soap in hand) Who me? Trus mi, Sandy come di right time. A troo yuh noh know. Dem lack aff wata fram laas night an a wan bade mi come outta fi ketch.

Boardlane TV:  You are seriously washing yourself in the middle of the street?

Ronny: How yuh mean? A di bess bade dis mi eva get. More time a lickle troops a wata mi get outta di pipe fi ketch inna wash pan. Anyway, unu move fram yah soh caah mi about fi drap mi drawz an wash some place weh cyaan show pan TV.

Boardlane TV: OK ..yes we cannot show that on TV. Just when I thought I have seen it all. Oh, I see someone running towards us. Let’s see what she is up to.

Noreen: (Running with hands covering her head) Lady, mi can seh someting to di TV?

Boardlane TV: Sure. Come on over under this umbrella. What would you like to say?

Noreen: Greetings! I would like to sen a message to Auntie Sadie in Miami dat shi fi memba seh when breeze blow shi fi pack wan barrel fi mi. Tings ago hard dung here as fram tomorrow, soh please mi a beg har sen some Ivory soap, wan tin a cheese, some boasy jeans fi di baby, two pack a 10 inch hair weave…di wet an wavy type, wan size 9 slippas an anyting else shi can trow in deh. Tanks, yuh hear. Have a nice day.

Boardlane TV:  All right love. Hope she gets the message. Interestingly there is another man here just leaning up against a closed shop. (Walking towards him) Hi, hello…. Wendy reporting for Boardlane TV. Why are you standing here so comfortably when there is such a dangerous storm brewing?

Kapone: (Puffing a cigarette) Yow, if a live TV dis unu betta black out mi face, enoh. Mi cyaan mek people come si mi face a show pan TV a blurtnaught.

Boardlane TV:  Well, we are recording live…we will not record your face if you wish. What’s your concern and why are you here?

Kapone: Yuh waan si mi a lay wait Sandy fi come blow aff di zinc affa dah shap yah. As mi si zinc start fly mi ago grab some shuga, rice, cornmeal, two cut a butta and peica salt powk. A waan tell yuh seh mi noh have nutten a mi yaad fi nyam to bombawt!

Boardlane TV: Are you confessing to a plan to loot the shop?

Kapone: (Puffs the cigarette) Watcha lady, looting a weh unu news people call it. I man call it “survival.” A lang time mi a plan fi bruck di shap but since as Sandy deh yah, mi ago do dis ting di legal way. When di roof fly weh, nohbaddy cyaan seh mi bruck dem shap. A soh mi seet.  Unu can gwaan rae rae bout looting…a work mi deh pan jus like yuh deh pan your work. Mi dun talk!

Boardlane TV: That is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard. What if the police are alerted?

Kapone: Mek di police bway dem come. Mek dem come! When mi start fling some tin mackerel affa dem blousecut, mi naah miss. Sen dem come. Yuh tink mi fraida police? (Looking up to the sky) Come aan Sandy, liff aff dah roof yah mek I man do mi ting an lef fram bout yah!

Boardlane TV: This is sad. Anyway, the wind is picking up here and we have to go. We here at Boardlane TV wish every Jamaican safety during the storm. Thanks for joining us.

© Written by Joelle C. Wright  Oct 24, 2012

Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!

For more laughs, visit:

Jamaica Wins Gold – Reaction from HWT (Jamaican Sketch)

This is Wendy reporting from Half-way-tree square where hundreds of Jamaicans witnessed the gold medal run from Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce. I am going to try to squeeze my way through this thick crowd to get some reactions from the jubilant on-lookers.

Boardlane TV: Miss, what do you have to say about that spectacular run from Shelly-Ann?

Nadine: Wooeeiii!! Lady, mi tell yuh seh mi glad bag buss when mi si di bald-head gyal Carmelita get a peica beaten like when mi ole granny use to tek cow cod belt an whoop mi behine fram Satdeh to Sundeh! Carmelita tek razor an  shave aff har head caah shi tink dat did ago mek har get hair-o-dynamic fi win di race. In di meantime yuh si how Shelly-Ann have har nice, tall hair weave  jus a blow wid di breeze an yet still shi run lef di gyal?! It sweet mi yuh si!

Boardlane TV: So you are saying hair or no hair, Carmelita had no chance?

Nadine: NAT a chance in SATAN hell!! Gole wi a defen, all day! If it mek outta Gole, wi a bring it back to Jamaica… wi a bring home di gole mine, di gole ring an di gole fish – it’s ganna be a gole rush like wi neva si before! (dancing) Raaaeeeee!! JAMAICA TO DI WORL WI SEH!!

Ragga: (reaching for the mike) Lady, mek mi seh someting to di worl weh a chune in to dis ting. Hear dah talk yah.Yuh si fram when wi a try show dem seh Jamaica a noh wan country weh yuh fi try come push up yuh chess pan bout yuh a challenge wi pan di 100? Yuh si fram when wi gi dem a chance fi back out an goh tek up egg an spoon race? Dem noh hear bout neegle an tread an crocus bag race? A dem ting deh di gyal dem fi goh do an tap train fi run 100 meta race. Dem show flop out fram Worl War four! An fram dem deh days deh wi a dun dem!

Boardlane TV: Very nice. Thanks for the candid remarks. You miss, you have not stopped jumping since the race ended. Tell us how you feel.

Patsy: (Waving a flag) JAMAIIIICAAAA WEH WI SEH!! A mash wi a mash dung Lundun, Canada, Japan, Merica, Israel, Africa, China – bring dem come..wi ready fi ANYBADY!! A who dem really tink dem a deal wid? Dem noh si seh Shelly-Ann a stallion weh barn an grow a Watahouse weh ghetto people a run fram gun shat everyday! Unu noh si when Shelly hear di gun pap, shi run weh lef di gyal dem?! Tell dem seh Patsy seh a gunman bring Shelly to dis stage of har life! None a dem odda people dung inna di Olympics know bout gunman, dats why dem cyaan come outta di block faas like Shelly!

Errol: (Gun finger) BLOP! BLOP! Gun salute pan dah wan deh, my girl!  Real talk! Hear weh wi a seh know. Every man a pap aff a shat fi Shelly-Ann dung a Gaza city right yah now. Big up my girl, Veronica Campbell. Shi still a run wid har duck foot but shi win di bronze fi wi sed speed. Mi only sarry seh shi neva bruck Jeta foot. Yuh know weh wi call a girl like Jeta dung a Gaza city?

Boardlane TV: No. I sure don’t. What do you call them?

Errol: Dem deh gyal deh a weh wi call BREAD BACK! Simple becaah badman noh nyam bread back..wi dash weh bread back! Shelly-Ann, seh di gyal a bread back an dash weh dat, straight!  Shi goh HARD-DOUGH bread an DUN har!

Boardlane TV: (Laughing) OK, sir. Thanks you fro the lesson in bread back. Mister, you are in such a good spirit. Tell us how you really feel.

Henry: (Singing the national anthem with pride) Eeeeternal faaadar, Bless wi hand…Tank yuh fi lickle Shelly-Ann … Keep us free from weevil flour… Give us rice fi countless hours…To our feeders, great pretenders..grant true…

Sandra: (Interrupting) Oye maasa! Tap mash up di national antem soh!! Dat noh mek it! If yuh ago sing di sinting, sing it prapaly or shet up yuh mout. In dis time when wi a tun 50 an deh pan tap di worl stage, a full time yuh goh larn di wod dem inna di sang. Yuh  a galang like yuh neva goh primary school fi larn wi antem. Come man…do betta dan dat.

Henry: (Snaps) Hush up yuh flipping mout an lowe mi mek mi sing wah come outta mi heart!  Renk an fayvah dem blastid bex face bullfrag! Miss, yuh ask mi how I am feeling an I have to say dis is a blessed day fi wi country.  Mi proud a dat lickle gyal pickney an mi proud a all who larn dem fi gallop like race horse soh.  Di lilly gyal have some renta yam foot deh weh tan up firm til di vein dem stretch out like ‘lastic. Shi remine mi a wan harse mi use to race dung a Caymanas Park. A same way di horse foot back did tough like turbit.  Mi glad fi har soh til mi cyaan talk.

Boardlane TV: Bless your heart sir.  Proud day for Jamaica in deed. Folks, Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce has won an impressive race, giving the Jamaicans much to be proud of. Until we see you again, this Wendy reporting from Half-Way-Tree.

by Joelle C. Wright Aug 4th, 2012


JAMAICA TO DI WORRL! (Dedicated to Team Jamaica)

Soh Beverly mi goh buy mi ticket fi goh London
Caah mi a bruck mi neck fi goh celebrate all wi worl champion
Mi haffi deh front an centa inna di place
When dem  announce seh Jamaica win di race!

Yuh si when dem line dem up an seh dem fi get pan dem mark
When di gun pap an wi sprinta dem tek aff, every man ago lef ina di dark
All yuh  ago si a breeze an daylight backa Yohan Blake
When di res a dem finish di race, dem ago bawl fi wan peica belly ache

Dem ago run out dem soulcase til dem mout lip a wabble
Dem ago feel wah name agony, pain an struggle
Every laas wan a dem a get deflate by a lightning jolt
Cause nat wan a dem naah ketch wi Usain Bolt

Dem ago tiyad fi si di Black, Green an Gole Ganzi shut
Cause when wi reach a di finish line, dem still back a wi a strut
Between yuh an mi, mi sarry fi dem who waan come tess
If dem know wah good fi dem, dem gi dis sprinting ting a ress

Mi seh people ago hear di sweet soun a wi national antem
When di flag raise high, waving side to side by di fans dem
Di whole stadium a London ago gi dem undivided attentian
As wi akletes dem get dem well deserve recagnitian

Gyal, mi naah stap brag an puddung big boast
Because Jamaica ago whip dem coast to coast
Goh si wi nation a do wi pocco jump an a dance an twirl
When dem si dat dis Olympic year is  – JAMAICA TO DI WORRL!

by Joelle C. Wright July 12, 2012










Books by the author:

A Soh Wi Do It!

A Soh It Goh!

A Soh Dem Gwaan!