Boardlane TV: Good day ladies and gentlemen. Bordlane TV news has just learned that Adidja ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer and his three co-accused were just sentenced to life in prison for the murder of Clive ‘Lizard’ Williams. Some Jamaicans are vividly upset with the verdict while some camps believe the verdict was just. I have a young man standing next to me who says he is a supporter of the dancehall DJ, has something to say about the verdict. Go ahead, young man.
Blinkas: (Shouting angrily) Mek mi show unu dis now massive.. yuh si all a dis blurtnaught sheggries weh dem a put poor people troo, wi naah blurneet tek it soh! Wi dun si seh dem a use Kartel as scapegoat fi put fear inna ghetto yute but mi waan di World Boss fi know seh *WI* naah goh stap fight fi im freedom an wi naah stap seh soh!!
Boardlane TV: May I ask how are you and the rest of supporters planning onbe fighting for his freedom? Explain?
Blinkas: (Pauses) Well…well wi can do some tings like… like eehhh.. like put aan some stage show or.. well troo wi noh have noh funds an ting dat ago tough fi do still. A noh nutte dow. Wi can gwaan mek some chune fi blaze up fiyah pan di oppression weh dem a put poor people troo, n’aah mean. But world boss fi free up! GAZA STRAIGHT!
Boardlane TV: OK I guess freedom songs will help indeed. Never worked before but you can never tell. Let me get to this little miss who is in tears. Come over here sweetheart. What is going on?
Shazzy: (Wailing) Mi mumma! Dem kill Kartel! Woooiieieee Kartel dead nung!
Boardlane TV: Miss, why are you saying that. He is not dead.
Shazzy: (Still wailing) Might as well dem did kill im. How di backside im a goh manige inna jail fi di ress a im life?! How im ago survive widout di cake soap fi soh long?! Look how im skin did a buss soh nice an pretty. Yuh know all dem ago do now a mek im tan a jail an tun back black an dry dung to nutten. (Drops to the ground and rolling) Woooiieieee Kartel mi feel it fi yuh! Waaiiiiiii! Mi baby faada dead oyyyyeeee! Dancehall noh good again oyyyeee!!!
Boardlane TV: Oh dear, we may need an ambulance for this one. Moving on now to this man who is eager to make a comment. What do you think of the verdict and was it just in your opinion?
Bradley: Yes! Yes! Yes! A dat di lickle brute fi get! Every day dem a walk a talk bout dem a bad man fram birt. Well seet deh! A dat bad man get fi tek up badmanship pan im head. Dem blasted careliss bway love chuck badniss to much an cyaan hangle di consequence.
Ruffus: (Cursing as he walks by) MOVE an GWEH ediat bway! Yuh sour like lime! Kartel help out more yute inna di ghetto more dan anyting. A wan man di boss kill an dem come gi im LIFE?! How dat fi fair? Man, goh bade yuh dutty self an come affa Kartel name!
Bradley: Now hear dis ignorant jackass bout a wan man im kill soh di verdict noh fair. Yuh hear dat trupiness miss TV lady?! A dem kina fawt Kartel followers chat day in, day out like dem brain a wan big empty dry coknat! Dyam fool!
Boardlane TV: (Interjects) Thank you for your opinion, sir and try to avoid further confrontation. We don’t want to see you get hurt. Next we have an elderly lady who wants to speak to our viewers. Go right ahead.
Hilda: (Hands akimbo) Yes mam. Tideh mi suppose to deh a market a mine mi stall but mi decide fi come a court fi come hear dis sentance fi myself. Mi decide seh mi noh waan hear it pan TV, less mi goh paas out an nobaddy noh deh roun mi fi crape mi up. When mi lissen to di Judge good an hear har a chat an a chat an den all of a suden shi goh soh – BAM – 35 to Life pan yuh head tap! I tan up deh a piss up di wan good drawz mi wear tideh.
Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Does that mean you did not like the verdict?
Hilda: NO SAH! Nat a dyam! Aldowe mi noh believe a im kill Lizzad, mi coulda deal wid 6 monts to a year caah dem have im a prison soh lang from 19 how lang dat im serve a good amount a time arreid di fi di lilly bway weh dem seh dead. Im coulda all deh a Mandeville a lay low now an a watch weh poor Kartel a goh troo and a laugh. But Gad naah sleep. If Lizzad really a tek dis ting fi joke, im is a WIKID sucka! (Screaming in the mike) LIZZAD! Di joke dun now! Come from affa di hill an come talk di troot mek dem free World Boss Yuh is nat a Lizzad but a blasted SERPENT fi mek dem a do di poor bway soh!
Boardlane TV: (Raised eye brows) Miss, “Lizard” is in fact dead. Where are you coming from with this theory?
Hilda: Look yah lady. Yuh look like yuh did goh good school, soh doan talk what yuh doanknow. How di backside yuh know dat?! Mi haffi si Lizzad dead bady before me believe any ting di liyad police dem seh. Di dutty bway a hide weh upppa Mandeville. Believe mi when mi tell yuh dat. Mi dream bout it laas week. Awoh!!
Boardlane TV:OK Miss.. I think you will never be persuaded otherwise. Thank you. Young lady come over hearr and give us the final comment of the day. What you have to say about today’s verdict?
Lorna: (Steps forward) Well, me personally noh feel sarry fi Kartel. Some a dem feel seh caah dem a big artist dem can jus walk an kill as dem please an get weh wid it. May Gad help im inna jail caah by di time im come outta jail im naah goh name World Boss again. Dem ago call im “Lizzad” jus like di bway weh im kill.
Boardlane TV: How so?
Lorna: (grins) Yuh noh si how im start change color arredi. A ongle lizzad wan mi si change color soh often. Wan minute im white an nex minute im black an dem im tun white again to backfoot. Im nex color change ago bi grey when im tun ole man a walk outta prison. He heya! What a ting! Kartel a life yaah baby.. yuh do di crime bossy, yuh haffi do di time. Dats all.
Boardlane TV: Well that is a great place to end this interview. Thank you so much for you all for tuning into Boardlane TV. We promise to bring you much more on this very divisive case and verdict as things unfold. This is Wendy reporting live. Now back to our studios.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright April 3rd, 2014
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
- ▬▬▬ LIKE ♥ SHARE ♥ COMMENT ▬▬▬●