The Voice’s final 10 singers assembled for a live two-hour battle last night. The night was punctuated by a “cameo” appearance from Olympian Usain Bolt. When it was her time, Tessanne Chin gave another powerful rendition of “If I was your woman.” With nine other contestants who performed, Boardlane TV is Live in Portmore, Jamaica to obtain feedback from the viewers of the show.
Boardlane TV: Hello everyone, this is Wendy reporting from outside a shopping Mall in Portmore. I have a young lady standing next to me who identified herself as an avid viewer and a loyal Tessanne fan. So miss, we know you are a Tessanne fan, are there any other favorites you have in the show?
Felicia: (Nods) No sah! To tell yuh troot half a dem boring noh puss front! Wan lily gyal pan di show name Caroline, Gad know seh shi fi use Google maps an goh fine har bloody yaad!
Boardlane TV: That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?
Felicia: Nat a backside! An doan even get mi started pan di loud mout gyal name, Kat. Why di blurtbeet rouna fi har yeye dem haffi always soh black like di pot dem inna mi kitchen? Every week it come een like shi beg smaddy tump har inna har yeye before shi touch di stage. Den di black vampire wan wid im zip up sleeve, Ceelo, a come talk bout Kat have 9 live. Well so does DUPPY an if shi noh fayva wan mi change mi name to Medusa!
Boardlane TV: OK then. Very strong feelings there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now, you sir have been waiting patiently to speak to me. What is your take on the top 10 performers?
Ranny: (Shaking head side-to-side) Baby doll, mi siddung inna mi settee a pree how Miss Chin a sing out har heart an soul to mi. Laas night shi mek it clear to mi dat if she was MY WOMAN, mi wouden waan noh more ooman an shi woulda mek mi weak like a goat!
Boardlane TV: (Interjects) That should be like a “lamb”, sir. The word in the song is, “lamb.”
Ranny: Goat-Lamb… same dyam ting caah di two a dem can curry! Weh mi a try seh is, shi look straight inna di camera an tell mi seh me is a part of har an mi jus noh know yet. An shi waan mi but shi too fraid fi show it. Oh Gad, a feel it to mi BONE! (Closing his eyes) Oh Tessy, I need yuh caressing and loving, baby. (Licks lips)
Tina: (Slaps across his head) Ranny! Weh di rahtid yuh jus seh, big head?! Yuh tink mi noh si yuh ova yah a drip mout wata ova di nice, nice woman weh nat even know wan ting bout yuh an yuh bruck ass!
Boardlane TV: (Puzzled) Excuse me. Boardlane TV, here. Who are you?
Tina: Mi a di wifie, Miss lady. Mi si im ova yah a chat to yuh soh mi seh mek mi walk ova an hear what unu talking bout. Only fi hear im an im ransid mout a chat bout Tess want him. Coo im to. Fayva dem blastid croakin’ lizzad!
Boardlane TV: Never mind him. I’m sure it was all innocent. Well, I asked your husband to give me his take on the Voice last night. Do you have anything to say about any of the contestants?
Tina: Yes, as a matter of fact, I does have some tings to seh. Tess, yuh ting shell dung but sweetie, a when yuh ago bruck out di dub plate mek wi hear some reggae music? Come een like Adam noh know weh di fawt im a do wid yuh except fi a stare inna yuh yeye like im si matta in deh! Look yah noh Adam, Miss Chin nat trying to headline show inna Pegasus hotel, enoh. Di ooman a try get top a di line intanational career! Tap gi di ooman sang weh drap affa di chart fram whappy kill phillup an bring har up to di forty-first century! Cho r@@s man!
Ranny: Yes, a true ting mi wife a seh. Leggo di reggae pan di crowd Tessy, but noh sing noh more sang to mi caah yuh a cause worries inna mi house. Love yuh bad, bad, bad!
Boardlane TV: (Laughs) You two are a funny bunch. You can go now and Miss, go easy on your husband. It was just fantasy. Moving along. Sir, would you like to share your views on any of the contestants of the show?
Ringo: Trus mi, a nuff tings di Don waan seh still but hear wah…mek a seh sinting bout di yute weh name James Worl-Pit or whateva im waan name…
Boardlane TV: Do you mean James Wolpert, sir?
Ringo: (Shrugs) Yes, dah punk deh! Mi waan fi know weh di blurtneet di bredda goh tek aan high note weh im cyaan manige fah? Di yute set fi goh high wan time an mi swear im sh!t up im pants. Mi bet any money seh im all buss out im pant cratches pan di stage an dem haffi change im roun a back deh. BLURTNAUGHT! Di bway nearly buss up mi ears drum to banana trash!
Boardlane TV: So clearly you didn’t like his performance, ah?
Ringo: No Star! Adam mite as well gi im wan lollipop an sen im home to im mumma fi Chrismuss. As far as mi si, a ongly Tess wan fi deh pan fi im team. Waste a time di whole lot a dem!
Boardlane TV: You held back nothing at all for sure. Thanks for the comments and we have just enough time left for one more person. Let me grab this young lady with her shopping bags. Miss, Boardlane TV reporting. Would you like to share with us your take in the top 10 performances on the Voice?
Nino: Ah yes, that show! The highlight for me was when Usain Bolt show im face fi seh im come fi support Tessanne. Bad enough di yankee dem haffi get a buss assin pan di track an now Usain Bolt come pan di Voice fi mek di whole a di singas dem know seh Tess ago put aan more buss assin pan dem Jamaican-style! Lawd, it noh pretty!
Boardlane TV: So you think this is going to be another win for Jamaica, ah?
Nino: No question bout dat! Mite as well dem start line up di podium an get ready fi hice up di flag backa Tessanne and mek shi sing di national antem. It is going to be an Olympic style victory where Tessanne wins by a long-slide. Prayer works!
Boardlane TV: Who do you think will be the runner up?
Nino: (Kiss teet) It noh matta mi enoh lady, soh as long as di whole a dem come dead laas backa har, in the name of Jesus. Prayer works!
Boardlane TV: OK, there you have it. One viewer has just predicted a win for the Jamaican songstress by a “long-slide” – whatever that means. This is Wendy reporting from Portmore shopping plaza. Until next time, thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV
© Written by Joelle C. Wright November 19th, 2013
Books by the author:
“A Soh Wi Do It!”
“A Soh It Goh!”
“A Soh Dem Gwaan!”
For more laughs, visit: http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/category/parodies/
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